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DistressedLady

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Everything posted by DistressedLady

  1. Please don’t feel bad. You left the door wide open for him so don’t feel like ‘you didn’t give him enough time’ because you did. In time you will realize he was not the one for you. My previous boyfriend left me because of it and told me ‘he disapproved of the lifestyle I had led’. I’m a prude who has never had a 1 night stand and who has only been with a few men. He made me feel so dirty and unlovable that I didn’t date for over 10 years. I’m so glad I didn’t end up with him but I was heartbroken at the time. You have HSV2 and that’s it. He either accepts it or not and you’ve already told him how you feel and that you want to be with him. If he doesn’t want the same you need to move on. It won’t be too much for the right person. Let him go. If it’s meant to be he will come back to you. my current partner left me for a few months. I had started to move on and was thinking about dating again and he came back to me saying he was so sorry for how he had behaved and how he had made me feel and he really missed me and wanted to be with me regardless. If this guy has half a brain he won’t let this ruin what you have - but he might. I am so thankful I didn’t end up with my previous partner because I was so desperate to be accepted by him and so fearful about the future I totally missed all the other signs that he was completely wrong for me. And he was so wrong for me (racist, sexist, homophobic etc. a horrible man) but I desperately wanted to be accepted so I knew there was more to me than this. if your partner wants to leave let him. It hurts but it’s not your fault and you really do deserve more than to be made feel less than.
  2. I am truly sorry about your partner. As you said this is something you can’t change about yourself - and it wasn’t your choice to get it. You have done the right thing and been open and honest with him. You can’t make it go away but you can keep your dignity and self worth. You deserve better and are so much more than this pesky annoying cold sore. I think he will realise that in time but you need to heal and do what’s best for you and sitting waiting is not best for you. My partner left me over it too - after 9 months together. It caused a lot of damage but in time I got over it. We got back together and have had our ups and downs but are now together 4 years and closer than ever. Give him space and if he comes back then you can decide what you want to do. If he doesn’t then you deserve better and in time you will see that. Now you are hurt and disappointed- and rightly so. Be gentle on yourself but know that this is something you unfortunately can’t change and you absolutely deserve more from a partner. Think one day at a time for now.
  3. So sorry you are in this situation. I have been there too and it’s very difficult. I waited a week for my partner to ‘think about things’ after I told him. During that time I setup a call with a doctor to discuss the chances of transmission and let him think things over. He said he did want to stay with me but it was about 2 -3 weeks before we had protected sex. We have used condoms (male and female) and I take suppressive medication. In the last few months we have had unprotected sex which now concerns me more than him . Bottom line is no one wants herpes and while I agree with space and time to think - a year is too long for a person to sit around waiting for someone else to decide if they are worth the risk. I think it is unkind of him to do that to you and there ARE other men out there. I’m not saying I don’t respect his dersire to not get it BUT waiting erodes and hurts you by making you feel ‘not good enough or not worth the risk’ and that’s not right. We all deserve to be loved. Like you I got hsv2 from a partner who lied to me. I wouldn’t want to do that to anyone. If someone leaves me because of this then they’re not for me. I would talk to your partner and explain how you feel. If he refuses to be close to you and love you then you can move on knowing you did all you could. I met my partner at 46 - there are lots of good partners out there and you absolutely deserve love and commitment.
  4. Thank you so much for taking the time to send that. You have no idea how good it is to hear that - what a relief. I think I’m so paranoid I have let it grow into this huge big deal to the extent that I’m afraid to enjoy sex in case I get too close and then pass it to him. Your messages are beyond calming and reassuring - you have no idea. Massive congratulations on your second child. What lovely news and what a positive story. THANK YOU!
  5. Thank you for your reply. It has been helpful at calming my overactive paranoid brain so it is very much appreciated. Btw I’m pretty sure the guy who gave it to me knew he had it and just didn’t care. He was cheating on me, gave me hsv2, said he ‘you didnt get nothing from me!’ when I asked him and dumped me. Looking back he had a sore on his penis but I had no idea about stds at the time (26 years ago) and didn’t think you could get one when you were with a boyfriend for a long time. I haven’t spoken to him since and I will never forgive him. But that’s life! thanks again for your kind words and help.
  6. Thank you for your reply - I appreciate it enormously. You hit the nail on the head - I feel like a walking disease and am completely paranoid. I understand the chance is small but I’ve been in the position where I was told ‘you have a 3% chance of x happening’ and it did - so I’m still nervous. I know it doesn’t help the situation but I can’t help it! I was wondering if you can answer these questions? When we have asymptomatic shedding, how long does it last? Is it an hour, a day, a week? Can you be shedding one day but not the next? If someone is exposed to asymptomatic shedding are they guaranteed to get it or can they still avoid it? If they have hsv1 do they have immunity to hsv2 to some degree? I understand you are not a medical expert if you had any thoughts on these I’d really appreciate it.
  7. Hi all I have had HSV2 for approximately 25 years although it wasn’t confirmed until years later. After a horrible rejection I abstained from relationships for about 15 years. I am now in a really happy relationship for about 4 years - on and off but continuously for approximately 18 months. He knows my status and we have been very careful when having sex. I take daily famicyclovir and we have used protection (male and female condoms) each time. Last night we had unprotected sex for the first time. I am taking the anntivirals and have no symptoms but I’m wondering what the chances are that he could have been infected? I love him dearly and couldn’t imagine passing this to him. I feel terribly guilty and feel like I should have protected him more and been strong enough to stop him. We had been drinking wine so we’re definitely less inhibited and while he is adamant it was his decision, I feel I should have protected him and that I let him down. I’m hoping that because it was a one off that we will be ok but can you tell me statistically what the chances are of female to male transmission of hsv2 with antivirals? Also has anyone else had unprotected sex with a long term partner and is it normal to feel so guilty? thank you.
  8. I’m really sorry you are having such a tough time. Can I ask if you have any autoimmune issues as this can impact your immune system and cause outbreaks? I think if your immune system is low there’s more of a chance of an outbreak. I take lots of supplements to help my immune system and also lysine, zinc, vitamin D etc. It seems to help and let’s me feel I’m helping to keep it suppressed which lightens the stress and worry. I hope it settles for you very soon.
  9. Hello I think most of us have been where you are and it’s a horrible place to be. Like you, the person who passed it to me denied having it and blatantly lied about it, but we both know what he did. I will never forgive him as had he been honest and open with me, he could have protected me, but he chose not to do that and I live with the consequences. Re when to disclose, personally I would wait until you knew you wanted to be with him and you were sure that he would be respectful towards you - regardless of whether he would remain with you or not. Unfortunately you may meet people who choose to judge you and leave because of it - and that REALLY hurts, but you will be able to stand tall and know that you did the right thing. There are shitty people out there but there are a lot of kind, compassionate people too. I wouldn’t rush into telling anyone once you are not engaging in sex. You owe them nothing and may find after a few dates that you don’t want a sexual relationship with them anyway. I think the worst thing about having this is the fear of passing it onto someone we love and knowing the difficulties they will face in this situation if the relationship doesn’t work out. I would be so upset if I put my partner in the position where he had to tell someone else and wait for their judgement. It’s a truly horrible place and ruined my confidence completely. That said I can’t change what I have but I can do all I can to protect him from it and the rest is up to him. I would say take your time. Don’t feel pressured into disclosing because they are pushing to have sex. Keep the brakes on until you are sure they will be understanding. At the end of the day, it is only a cold sore in most cases, and all we can do is our best to protect others.
  10. Hi all Im trying to think of ways to reduce the possibility of transmission from a female to male and am wondering if anyone has any thoughts/opinions on these? aside from anti virals - would you think the following might reduce the risk of transmission? female condoms as more of the female is covered? Less skin to skin? im not sure of the technical term but the penis rings as again, they provide another barrier between the skin? Some look quite large? Are there any swabs we can do to tell if we are shedding? Is there anything such as latex undergarments women can wear to protect the partner? Possibly a stretch but wondering if anyone may have any ideas/suggestions? Obviously male condoms don’t offer complete protection. thanks for your thoughts.
  11. Many thanks for the replies @AlliKat12and @Sumshine. He hasn’t acquired it from me as he has been tested, but I know he is afraid that the longer we are together or the more sex we have, the higher the likelihood is. I have purchased the book which I hope will answer some of his questions and maybe we will both be able to relax more. I think it’s the knowledge that it can be passed on even without symptoms that scares him. I understand but am deeply saddened. He is a wonderful man and I feel so sad that because of a cheating ex of mine many years ago we are unable to have the intimacy that we both would like. He knows he needs to accept it as I can’t change it but it is creating distance between us. thanks again for your replies. Really appreciated.
  12. My partner of 2.5 years on and off, admitted last night that he struggles with my diagnosis. I guess this is partly why our sex life is non existent at the moment. I am so upset. I understand he doesn’t want to get it and I do everything to make sure he won’t - i take anti vitals and we use condoms. I got female condoms as I thought they might be safer for him. I just don’t know what else I can do. I feel so hurt and although he says he doesn’t want us to split up and he wants us to stay together and figure things out, I don’t know if we can. I can’t change this about myself and I was struggling to relax with him sexually as it was. I needed reassurance but got the opposite. I feel like I’m not good enough and I don’t know that I could be intimate with him again knowing that he is ‘afraid’ of me. After all this time this still comes up between us. does anyone have any advice? Should I end the relationship as this is something I can’t change? I don’t think he realises how much this hurts me. He said he was trying to be open and honest - which I want but it really hurts!
  13. Hello @GentleLady Thank you for your reply. That is exactly how I feel. I also worry one of us will not be able to continue because of this. I hate living with the worry that I could pass it and also I hate how cumbersome it is to have to stop all foreplay and put on a condom. No such thing as spontaneous sex. It becomes a lot after a while and definitely prevents us being as close/intimate as we would like. Do people just continue using condoms forever or do they get to a point where they risk sex without condoms? I’m taking anti virals and we use condoms but I’d be too afraid to have sex without some barrier. I’d be even more stressed than I am! I guess I just have to accept that this is how it is for us.
  14. Thank you for your reply. It’s a really difficult place to be when you want to be close to your partner but are afraid of passing this to them. The shame and stigma of having it is so awful. I would hate to put another person in this place. I know in the greater scheme of things it’s not the worst BUT it’s still a permanent stain on their ‘clean’ status that you just don’t want to have to live with. I just hope they find a cure or vaccine soon. thanks again.
  15. Hi Grace thanks for your kind message. It’s very unfair really. I feel if I had known my ex had it years ago I would have stayed anyway - just been more cautious and maybe never gotten it but he didn’t give me a choice. Re my current partner - I hate using condoms - probably more than him. He is very kind and logical about it to be fair to him. He says there’s plenty of other things we can do and this is how it is so there’s no point stressing and worrying about it. He has no problem using condoms - he just says they reduce sensitivity. He thinks very logically. we have recently tried female condoms which make me slightly more comfortable as more of me is covered so I feel he is less at risk. I was just wondering how others cope with their fear of infecting their partners and if it affects their sex life? One part of me feels if we are that close I might as well enjoy it but the other part is afraid I’m passing it on. I thought with time the fear would ease but it’s getting worse - I feel the longer we are together the higher the risk.
  16. Hi all i’ve had HSV2 for over 20 years. I got it from a cheating ex who denied giving it to me and denied having it - and walked away. I’m with my boyfriend over 2.5 years on/off. I was open about my status and he chose to stay with me. After 6ish months he left as he thought he may have gotten it (he hadn’t). We got back together a few months ago and things are good, but I’m terrified I will pass it to him and am not able to relax during sex. I take daily anti virals and we always use condoms but I’m concerned that this may ruin our relationship. I hate that we have to use condoms as I know he doesn’t like them. I feel terrible every time we have sex that I’m the reason we have to use them. I feel like I’m dirty. I would be so upset if I passed it to him but I know there’s always a risk. I’m afraid to relax in case I get too close and give it to him. Condoms don’t cover everything and I’m so afraid that I will pass it on. It’s really affecting our sex life. I love him very much and want to stay with him but I’m struggling with my need to be close to him and my fear of passing it onto him. Has anyone else felt like this and how did you manage it? I couldn’t imagine life without him but I don’t want the shame/fear of passing this on either. When I try to talk to him he shuts it down and says he will deal with it if it happens. any advise appreciated. thank you.
  17. Hi I have been in a very similar position I’m afraid and I know how distressing and upsetting it is. I had disclosed to my partner and we had been together 9 months - I was on medication and we used condoms. Long story short he got something, panicked, finished everything and ran away. When he eventually got tested months later, it turned out it was thrush. Negative for HSV2. He had been angry with me, incredibly cold, hurtful, disgusted, sad etc It was a really difficult time - so tough that I went to therapy as I couldn’t cope with the thought I had passed it on and he had treated me how he did - having known for 9 months. In our situation we ended up getting back together and are together now - though I constantly worry about passing it on and how he will react or feel if he gets it. At the end of the day you did the right thing. You disclosed your status and SHE made the choice to be with you. She is a grown woman and this isn’t your fault. You didn’t knowingly pass it on and she may not even have it. We all need to remind ourselves that this doesn’t define who we are and we are entitled to love. We didn’t ask to have this and we have done nothing wrong. It is a common skin condition with massive amounts of stigma that we all live with. Don’t beat yourself up - you were honest. Time provides clarity - for both of you so take time and space. im sorry you are going through this now. It’s unfair but speaks more about them than it does about you.
  18. Ah that’s so exciting - and nerve racking too. It’s such a hard conversation to have at any age but just because someone is older doesn’t mean they will respond better - trust me! That said I honestly believed stds only happened to prostitutes or people who frequented them, until I got it from my boyfriend at 24. The thing is I know if he had told me he had it I probably would have stayed with him and just been careful. He may be more naive than you about them so it may be a little more alarming to hear but give him time and let him get his head around it. If he is a good person who truly cares about you it shouldn’t matter too much to him. at the end of the day we can only do our best to protect the ones we care about and I know you will always do your best to protect him. You have HSV1 right? So a much lower chance of passing it on. How long have you known him? Is he a mature 20 year old? Have you spoken about spending more time together or being intimate? Remenber you don’t need to disclose or do anything until you’re absolutely ready so please take your time!
  19. Thanks again Grace! im not worried about the pregnancy part, I’m purely concerned about limiting the chance of transmitting hsv2 to a male partner and wondering if female condoms offer better protection for the male than regular condoms?
  20. Thank you Grace. The idea of passing this on has me almost terrified to be in any way intimate with someone. As my ex and I spent a long time thinking I had passed it - and he didn’t handle it very well - I’m afraid to go near him again in ways. Also I am on immuno suppressants and have read that that makes you shed the virus more frequently. thank you again for your answer. It eases my crazy overthinking mind!
  21. Another question I have is would female condoms offer better protection to men than male condoms? They cover more of the female anatomy and therefore should offer more protection against the transmission from female to male right? Has anyone and information or experience with using female condoms to prevent transmission to men? thank you
  22. Hi all I have a question that I can’t find a direct answer to so I’m hoping someone here can tell me for sure... I know hsv2 can be passed through bodily fluids even when no symptoms are present, during skin to skin contact. My question is can it be passed through clothing? To be direct I was recently with my ex boyfriend and we were sharing a bed. He was naked but I kept my pj bottoms on but we did get quite intimate. I’m not currently taking any medication and he had no condom on. While we didn’t have intercourse because of my pjs, I’m wondering if it’s still possible to infect him through vaginal fluid seeping through my pjs? I always read that it’s passed through skin to skin contact but also, through bodily fluids, so could it be passed even if I kept my pjs on? Or underwear as another example? Also no outbreak present. thank you
  23. Ah thank you for your lovely reply. I read your post after I wrote mine and was so excited for you and I’m sorry it didn’t work out. It’s great that you didn’t let it upset you and understood his reasons and moved forward. In my situation it’s hard as I’ve been told absolutely that the reason we are not together is because of the HSV2. It’s so unfair. My ex and I had been good friends for a few years and did a lot of stuff together as we are both single parents. He is a lovely man with a good heart - even though his behaviour completely stunned me. So it’s hard as I’ve lost the man I loved and also my only other single parent friend. I know I’m a good person worthy of love but this really hurts and I don’t know how to find anything positive in it right now.
  24. Hi all Since my last post, it turned out my ex came back HSV2 NEGATIVE. I did NOT give it to him. To say I was relieved was an understatement but that’s when all the hurt began for me. He had known my status for over 10 months and had chosen to stay with me. I honestly thought we had a future together but he got thrush(I now think) panicked and finished the relationship - telling me he had definitely been infected. After receiving 2 negative antigen tests he is happy he doesn’t have it but doesn’t want to risk a sexual relationship with me anymore for fear that he will get it further down the road. He insists he was really happy with me and our relationship was great but bottom line is - he doesn’t want to get it. This is only the second man I’ve trusted and the second man to leave the relationship because of it. He is constantly in contact and wants us to stay friends as our children are friends, so we have spent time together with our kids but I’m still feeling so hurt by what happened. I’m so sad he chose to leave me because of this. I feel like I’m not good enough and he thinks I’m dirty and unclean. I’m so disappointed and hurt. im wondering how you all cope with the rejection and hurt of being rejected? ‘I’m a beautiful, smart, kind, good person - I did the right thing - I deserve better - he doesn’t deserve me .. ‘ - all the things I have been hear I got from my friends but it doesn’t stop the absolute heartbreak I still feel. He stayed with me for 10 months, and then just as I trusted him he turned and ran out the door so fast. Any advise or tips for getting over this - again? I feel like all men will leave me when I tell them and I feel so dirty and sad. Should we remain friends or should I cut all contact? I’m feeling so sad and low. The last time this happened I didn’t date for over 10 years.
  25. Great post. I wish I had read it a few months ago. I disclosed to my ex before we were together and I absolutely honestly believed if we were careful - that he wouldn’t get it. I’m mostly asymptomatic and have only had mild outbreaks - so I thought the chances of him getting it were small. That said it was always on my mind because of how much I cared about him. I took daily medication and we used condoms every single time. There was probably like a 2-5% chance he would get it and he did. And obviously he is so upset. I can not explain how bad I feel for passing it to him him as it is life changing as you say - and not in a good way. I know he will have to tell any new partner and will risk rejection and hurt and I feel I let him down badly. I know it is ‘just a cold sore’ (for most) but it affects mental health more and that’s what I struggle with. thank you for your frank and honest post!
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