Sabrinalexandra

BTW forgiving my mother didn't take compassion, it took forgiveness and moving on. Compassion is me taking her in to my home and taking care of her while she heals from the surgery she has next month. The point everyone is making with David, is you didn't go running out of the room when you heard the word herpes, while you may not have been well informed or made the best decisions (but really who has all the time), you hadn't bought into the stigma society has placed on this virus. However, you are now buying into that stigma because you made uninformed decisions that led to your exposure and you are reacting to Mark's reaction. This will take time and you will forgive yourself, just keep trying!

I'll tell you something unforgivable, at age 13 I came home and my mother had moved herself and all her stuff out of our house and abandoned our family and reasons that were less than honorable. Guess what I have forgiven her, I have not forgotten, but I have forgiven. So, you knew that the person you slept had the virus and you made some uninformed decisions, you also didn't know you had the virus until your outbreak, which means you didn't know and had nothing to disclose. From your story it sounds like there was a bit of time between you and David and you and Mark, most people get their first outbreaks within 2wks of exposure, so how would you know?! You are really being too hard on yourself and I think there are deeper issues coming to the surface, especially surrounding this Mark guy....I mean did he disclose his sexual history in detail? Probably not and I would doubt he would have told you the truth even if he did. Mark sounds like one of those bad decisions we all make when we are vulnerable, lonely, or really want something that makes us vulnerable. There could be other manifestations in your life that you need to deal with, which will help you see things in a new light. You are vulnerable right now and being your own worst judge and jury

Your story was very heartbreaking to read, thank you for sharing with us! Lots of warm hugs (its freaking cold where I am!!) First, you have to get your self respect back or you will make bad decisions. I was also molested and didn't realize how much it had manifested and affected my entire life. This manifestation led to a lot of poor self destructive decisions, which ultimately ended with me getting herpes. I took it as a wake up call. I got herpes not a death sentence. I sought out counseling and have become a much more positive person about life and myself. It took several years of therapy and a horrible 5 year relationship that I stayed in way too long because 1. I unknowingly gave him herpes and how could I leave him knowing I did that I owed it to him to stay 2. He had it and I would probably never meet someone better or accepting of me. As someone on the other side, you can meet other people. I broke up with him because staying in the relationship meant I was keeping him from someone that would truly make him happy and also that someone that would make me happy. As someone who is currently loving her dating life, I have had a couple good disclosures, but ultimately I broke things off with them because it just wasn't right. The point is this won't change your dating life, it will however help you decide who you are serious about and who your aren't. We are all still learning, so having this forum for support is very helpful. Chin up, you are in the right place!!! More warm hugs!!

@Ponce44, Sorry to hear that! It does hurt, but you are doing the right thing when you tell someone. If they can't handle it, it's because it wasn't meant to be. I just got dumped last Friday by the guy I had been on 6 awesome dates with, the day after I disclosed the virus. He first told me he could never be comfortable touching me or having sex with me and blah blah blah. Then he called it an incompatibility thing, either way it wasn't meant to be. That being said, the way I disclosed most certainly didn't help the situation and I found out just how neurotic he is, which is a definite turn-off. Point is while I didn't see it for a blessing then, I am actually happy that I got dumped ;)

Haha, so this guy has been sending me random messages here and there the last couple of days, which have been childish in nature, like he is mad at me for having herpes?! (even though he has HSV-1 and a history of wart causing HPV) I didn't put him at any risk physically, so he can't be mad that I exposed him and we were taking things very slow emotionally as well. I've now come to realize what a baby he is and he actually did me a favor. Additionally, on date 3 he wanted to go down on me while knowing he has HSV-1, which I didn't know. Had I not already had herpes, I could have contracted it from him because I probably would have let him that night. However, I was trying hard to protect him from me that night and without knowing I was protecting myself! Here is an example of the H-Opportunity we speak of, this virus has made me respect myself and body more than ever and even more importantly showed me how to PROTECT myself!

Congratulations HONOR Graduate!! See how you keep moving forward, someone who wasn't as strong might have shutdown, so I wouldn't call you defeated at all!

I sometimes get outbreaks in my vaginal canal, which then my open and bleed, not a lot, but very trace amount and discharges (grossing myself out), anyway, sometimes it can smell slightly infected. It clears up with the out break. But if it doesn't I would make a doctor appointment there is also bacteria vaginosis, which can be an infection you will want medicine for. My friend gets from time to time and seems to be easily cleared up. She also said there was a smell associated with it.

abc123: My heartbreaks that you feel this way about yourself. WCS couldn't have said it better "Or let me put it this way - if YOU are a street whore, we ALL are street whores on here. We ALL got it from bad luck, poor choices and/or trusting too much. We all got it because we were searching - each in our imperfect ways much of the time - for affection. Do you know how many people on here got this from someone they were just starting to see? You got it from someone you were seeing on a regular basis...sure you eventually realized he wasn't the guy for you, but you TRIED. That certainly doesn't make you a street whore." abc123: You will get through this, you said that you are a strong person, so don't let this virus define you! Nobody's life is ruined regardless of how you feel right now. You will have good days and bad ones, but there will be more good than bad. Stay strong, we will be here on those bad days!

I would start with reading all the links that you can find on here. These are the ones Adrial first provided to me: Handouts: http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout Disclosure e-book: http://eepurl.com/b4IPP "Rejection" talk: http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3 These are all very helpful. However, you first need to work on your attitude about this. I promise it feels like the end of the world, but it isn't. There will be guys that will ditch out the second they find out, just happened to me last Friday, but EVERYONE here is so supportive and understanding. It will make you realize that it will weed out a lot of jerks and it is a deal breaker for others. Even though my recent disclosure didn't go so well, I learned a ton on how I was presenting this virus. If you are afraid, ashamed, embarassed, or treat it like it is world ending, then it is going to be really hard for someone else to be accepting of it. Here is my story, which is why I put myself down for years about it. I dated a guy for about 9months and guess what I got pregnant and we had an abortion (please hold judgment). Well that was one of the most depressing points in my life. My boyfriend was too busy golfing and playing video games with his friends to hold me and take care of me while I went through one of most physically and mentally painful things ever in my life. I became extremely depressed and had poor self-esteem, I wasn't getting the support I needed from my boyfriend. So, one day my college f*ck buddy calls me up and we meet for drinks and have sex. Which in hindsight he had been "sick" then after we have sex he is like I think I got a blister on my dick, as we both like it a little rough. I didn't think anything of it. Yeah, blister was him having an outbreak, apparently I wasn't the only girl he called while in town.Well I ended up having sex with my boyfriend like a week later (again feeling very worthless and not making good decisions) and was apparently in the early stages of my first outbreak, so now he has it too :( So, here I am cheating on my boyfriend and as low in self-esteem like no other time in my life and not only do I have herpes, but I have already passed it right along!! We broke up and got back together, even though we never should as there were many things broken about that relationship. I stayed in it so long because I felt like I owed him because of what I had done. I also thought that nobody would ever want me and I certainly couldn't tell them the story of how I got it. 5 long horrible years later (thank GOD he never asked me to marry him because I probably would have) and I am single and loving it! I have more positively received disclosures than negatively received ones. The negative ones SUCK, but it just means it wasn't meant to be. You will not be alone the rest of your life. Take care of yourself and most of all love yourself! Plus, you can always come here for support!

Pretty Cute: Moving on is right! Like others have said on here, everyone has their deal breakers, including myself. H forced him to decide if he was in or out and he chose out. It is hard to know when to tell someone, but ultimately I don't think there would have been a right time for this guy, he was very neurotic and I am not sure if that was because he had a lot of shit going on in his life or a way of life. WCS: I love the updates! Keep them coming!

Hey Skittles, unfortunately, when I had my first outbreak it was bad and lasted close to a month. I was taking Valtrex the whole time. However, from that outbreak forward if I took the Valtrex as I felt the itching/stinging/aching feeling I would take 5days of pills and that would help stop the outbreak from going full blown. It took several years to get to where I didn't have breakouts several times a month. However, when I started a relationship with a H- guy, I found taking the pills daily very helpful and haven't stopped. I am also not a "pill person", but this is now my exception. My vagina has thanked me.

WCS Well Said! Keep us updated on your experiment! It will be interesting to see how it plays out. I have not tried online dating, but maybe I should because I seem to attract jerks who treat me like a conquest, but then again I might just attract jerks who have an online dating profile ;)

I couldn't watch the whole thing, as I am at work, but it does put things in perspective! Thank you for sharing and reminding us that this isn't life ending, bigger things will happen in our lives!

WCS Wow! Just putting it out there from the get go!...I am not there yet. I really appreciate you all for your responses. I think I would be having a much harder time with this if I didn't have a place to go and vent with people who get it, but also see the positive stories of how it can workout! This was my first negative response, which I think I needed in order to get my poop in a group. I feel like this experience and finding this forum has truly transformed me and my thinking for the better. Things don't feel like the curse I thought I had even a week ago!

I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. It does help to read other's experiences and know that you are not alone. I felt exactly like you, how could I make such a stupid mistake? Why wasn't I more proactive? This is normal and you will learn to stop asking yourself these questions because it doesn't matter anyway. The point is you have learned something, good or bad, and you are moving forward!!

Peach, I also found it ironic that he has the HPV strand that causes warts and expected me to be fully understanding, but when it came time to reciprocate that same understanding it was not there. I know there are a million reasons why this is for the best, it just still sucks. I see how the H was a mirror for both of us. I have had a couple positive disclosures that came with much understanding and was treated it like a small detail in the bigger picture (including a doctor, who couldn't have cared less). I am proud of myself for 1. Disclosing, when it is easier not to, which is for my own self respect if nothing else.... 2. I am not willing to settle on the first guy that is ok with the virus just because I fear being rejected because of the virus. 3. I think after 5years I finally get it!! I've already been asked on two dates, by two very nice guys since Friday night, but this gal needs an indefinite break!!

Haha, what it isn't about me? ;)

PS, it is almost easier to be let go of because of the H and not because of who you are...

Thank you WCS, it is hard to analyze situations when you are in them sometimes. I am glad we didn't have sex. I am tired of sharing my body with people who could take or leave me, I made a promise to never do it again because I respect and love myself too much. The H, really helps filter those guys out! This was a major learning experience because if I had slept with him when the "hormones" were going and he wanted to, I would really regret to then find out the whole time he was just thinking we were incompatible. You are so right, this is not the guy I want in my life, I thought he was, but when it comes down to it he is not. This experience made that clear. When you wrote this, "this is about his fear of commitment and the possibility of getting hurt and the H just made him stop and realize that." it makes much more sense to me. I now see that is what he was trying to say, but he said it in a much more confusing way ;) As for, "Now mind you, it's also a proven scientific fact that a man's circulatory system cannot supply blood to both heads at the same time.. .. " Hahahahaha! Sometimes you wonder!

You are lucky to have to have someone so supportive, but you would be just fine to get through this on your own and with us if you needed to. It is good you are talking with a therapist. Herpes really isn't the end of the world, even though at first it seems like it will be. You have a virus that causes a skin condition, albeit an annoying and sometimes painful one, but regardless a skin condition and nothing more. If him getting tested would make you feel better, I would assume there are clinics where he lives that would have reasonable rates for the blood work needed. I would ask him to do it if you think it would make a difference. My BIGGER concern is what else might be lurking, especially if he hasn't been tested for other things. It seems like many STDs stay hidden and many have no symptoms, so if that isn't enough of a reason to get tested, than I would wonder why he wouldn't want to be tested?! He does get to live his life and apparently he is not buying into the negative stigma that herpes has here in the States. You can empower yourself the same way, it is just harder because you have to reprogram the way you think about the virus. This is not easy and we all learn at our own pace. Your life is not so seriously compromised, as I am positive, and I am not a doctor, but I feel fairly certain you aren't going to die from this virus ;) I can also say, I know you didn't say this but, you can date others if things don't workout with this guy. Even guys that don't have the virus. So, if part of the fear is being alone, I can say it isn't going to be because of the herpes. As for your thoughts, they are normal and I don't know one of us who hasn't felt the way you have been feeling, it is ok to have these feelings. The important thing is that you realize that you are still the same awesome person you always were and nothing is really going to change all that much. You are not defective, or gross, or anything else you wrongfully tell yourself, you are human. You will be more aware of yourself and your body! Don't sell yourself short over a stigma we have been told this should have over our lives. This is fresh and you will figure it out. Lots of hugs and positive feelings your way!!! BTW, this forum is awesome and actually refreshing to read, comment, and start conversations with people who are supportive and get it!

Ok, so here is the reply he sent: "I'm truly sorry I made you feel that way. I do understand a little how that can feel, but I'm sure it's more hurtful than I can truly understand. I had a sense that it wasn't going to work out in the long run, in part due to my own shit and in part because my sense is that we were incompatible, but probably more due to me being scared of getting hurt. I am not rejecting you because you have the skin condition; I (1) know myself and thought I couldn't handle it with enough maturity to try and explore our compatibility, so that's on me, and (2) I was afraid to invest time and energy in to another relationship that I thought wasn't going to work out, so I thought it better to head things off ahead of time. Right now, I'm sensitive to getting hurt and don't want to invest any more time in a relationship that I sense isn't going to work out. Trust me, the more important part to me was that my sense is that we were incompatible, and I'm afraid to take the risk to get involved with someone who I'm sensing it isn't going to work out with deep enough to truly explore that, even if I'm wrong. I do hope we can be friends. I really do. But I understand if you don't want to be. You let me know." To which I wrote back: "Wow, I thought things were going great. I didn't get the incompatibility. I enjoyed getting to know you and your imperfections and vulnerabilities. I misjudged the situation completely. Your explanation is confusing to me, but like I said, I am not trying to change your mind and since you told me having the virus was too much for your anxiety, I took your word for that being the reason and just needed to say what I had to say. If it is something more than that, it is what it is and you can't force yourself to feel something that is not there. I do wish you the best of luck getting through what it is you need to get through! We can be friends. Just not the kind that talk or hangout ;) . Now my thoughts: So what the hell does this mean?! I'm so confused because we were getting along so famously and he was all excited to hangout all weekend and then we have the talk and all of the sudden we are incompatible?! WTF!!! I see two things I don't want to get hurt and I am not mature enough to handle your virus, but I'm going to call it a compatibility thing because I see what an asshole breaking up with you over the virus reason is and this way I don't look like the douche I am. This guy sucks, now that my brain figured it out, I just need my heart to do the same!! Still feel a little raw...I'll get over it!

While being what I have been calling "rejected" I didn't have much to say, but now having time to reflect I wrote this email to the guy: "I am not writing this because I am trying to change anything, it is mostly for my own piece of mind. I realize the way that I disclosed my skin condition is not actually, how I feel about it. I disclosed it the way I did out of the fear of how I thought you would take it, which is exactly how you took it. I knew you were a highly anxious person, so I get this is something you can’t handle. You are right, if you’re that anxious, even if it wasn’t this now it would be something else down the line. For some reason I gave into the stigma the virus has. For the record, having the virus has not been life ending and it really rarely affects my life. I am not ashamed, but I had a feeling how this was going to end, so I was definitely scared about being that vulnerable with you. The reality is I actually have a higher chance of getting pregnant while being on birth control and using condoms; than passing this along to you with the suppressive therapy and use of condoms as further protection. I was caught off guard by your call on Friday and needed to have a bit of closure on this myself." I do feel better having said my peace. I just sat there on the phone and said I understood as he was breaking things off. I didn't even say what I was really feeling.

You can do everything in the world to try and prevent these things from happening, but shit happens and it doesn't matter how moral of life you have led. That being said, this is not as world ending as you may think it will be! It is the stigma that we have all (or at least most) of us bought into, but you can change your thinking on this! You are not disgusting and have nothing to be ashamed of, it happened. It is not a matter of deserving or not deserving, viruses are amoral. What you do from here and how you think about it from this point forward are going to make all the difference! The sooner you figure this out, the less you will suffer. Read the facts sheets, they will put things into perspective. Know that you are not disgusting, you are most certainly not alone, you have nothing to be ashamed of, and it really isn't a big deal , it has just been stigmatized and you don't have to buy into that!

Defeated: just like everyone else, I stayed in a relationship with the guy who gave the virus to me way too long because I didn't think anyone else would accept me. I am now a year out of that relationship and have had 3 positive disclosures to guys about my condition, however, after getting to know them more I ended things on my own terms. You will realize this is not the end of living or loving. Not everyone is going to understand, in fact I just got dumped Friday night after having the herpes discussion the previous night. I realized that the way you view the virus is how it will come across to another person. I was fortunate enough to have 3 guys be able to look past it because they liked me for me and not a skin condition around my vagina. They accepted it in spite of the fact that I clearly hadn't. This past Friday, after 5 years I had a wake up call, herpes hasn't defined me, but when I disclosed it I let it define me, I treated it like a dirty secret and a major embarrassment, so how exactly was I to expect someone else to think it wasn't a big deal when I just treated it like one?! Totally an eye opening experience. Never again will I treat it in this manner! I also realized that this guy had much bigger issues and if this was going to cause him too much anxiety, how would he deal with something that really mattered? He did me a favor, which I realize now, it still smarts a bit, but now I can get on to meeting the right guy. Definitely read the facts sheets they are so enlightening! And they will make you feel better!! As time goes on, you will hurt less and less and realize you are still you. AND be picky, don't settle!! You deserve the best!

PS WCS: Thank you for your kind words! I am loving this support forum, I believe I will have a better outlook. I feel like I am already more accepting of myself and somehow this guy's reaction really opened up my eyes to how I have internalized this virus in such a negative way. Well no more! Adrial: Thank you for starting this forum, thank you for creating these well informed information sheets and book, thank you for being so positive, and thank you for creating such a helpful environment for people to learn how to love themselves again!!