I’m not sure why I am writing this but I feel so lost and empty and I think I need someone to talk to.
About a year ago I started seeing a new partner. We used condoms and I asked about his sexual history/recent testing and I thought everything was okay. A few weeks later I noticed symptoms of genital hsv and immediately knew something was wrong. After a lot of pain and testing, the doctor confirmed it was hsv1. I felt so disgusting and didn’t know what to do. I went back to inform that partner and he didn’t mention any previous knowledge of having hsv and seemed just as shocked as I was. I felt horrible that he didn’t know and I was guilty and depressed for months. He distanced himself from me after that, and I felt so alone. We reconnected a few months later and dated for a while, but at the end of that relationship he wound up confessing to me that he knew he had genital hsv the whole time and never told me.
I was obviously devastated by this news, I felt betrayed and misled and felt even worse that he didn’t respect me enough to confide in me after I told him about my symptoms and diagnosis. I had felt so alone and guilty for all those months meanwhile he had full knowledge of what he did .
I took some time to process this. I didn’t want to hate anyone for this situation. I needed to heal myself physically and mentally and inform myself on how to be a safe and responsible partner moving forward.
Fast forward to two months ago. I finally had fully digested what had happened. I was feeling less hopeless and ready to put myself out there again. I met a wonderful guy and we began to date. I disclosed my status to him and he was fine with it, but confessed to me he had unprotected sex recently for the first time ever. I asked him to get tested soon, but one thing lead to another and we had sex before he got his results. I didn’t think much into it at the time because honestly I thought I had been through the worst and most permanent STD I could. I wasn’t too concerned since he showed no symptoms of anything and it had been over a month since his last sexual encounter (even though I know a lot of infection can occur asymptomatically and over long time periods, but I thought the odds were probably in my favor).
After about a week I noticed one ulcer on my genitals. I thought it was strange but knew it could be a reoccurrent hsv1 outbreak. However, this would be my first reoccurrence since the initial outbreak and I thought the timing was weird so I went to get tested while I was symptomatic. The doctor did a blood test instead of a swab and called me a few days later saying my igm came back positive for hsv2 and the recommended I get tested again to be sure. I was in utter shock and I couldn’t understand why this would happen to me. My partners results then came back as a low positive hsv2 rating, but the clinic retested his blood sample to be sure and told him he is hsv1 positive but hsv2 negative (the original hsv2 positive apparently being a false). I read online that igm testing can be misleading and have up to 50% false positive rates especially in people who have hsv1, but I can’t help but think all the signs seem to point to the fact I have hsv2 now along with hsv1 genitally.
I just can’t help but feel despair. I am angry and confused and don’t understand why this would happen to me. I don’t know how much longer I can mentally handle this, I feel so lost and like my life is over. I barely recovered mentally from my first diagnosis and I can’t go through this again. It just feels so unfair like no matter what I do I pay the consequences, safe sex not safe sex, it didn’t make a difference and I’m hurt. The chances of it being back to back partners feels so crazy. I’m only 22 and feel like it is so unlikely to get transferred two separate hsv strands from two separate partners within a year, but somehow this could be my reality.
I’m not sure what my point is in writing this, maybe just to talk to someone, anyone who may understand. I’m finding it harder and harder to be happy and I can’t speak about this with any family or friends out of fear of how it would change their perception of me.
I know I have to retest soon to confirm if I really do now have hsv2 as well, but I’m so scared. I’m so scared of how my life will change if I get that diagnosis. I’m scared to face that reality of frequent outbreaks. I’m so scared and I just can’t get myself to do it.
I’m living in constant anxiety over this, my partner tries to reassure me that we both just got false positives, but that just doesn’t seem likely to me.
If you read all of this I appreciate it. Any advice or words that may put my mind at ease would be appreciated. Anyone out there with both genital hsv1 and hsv2 can you please share your experience? I need hope because I can’t keep going on like this. Thank you.
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