I have so many thoughts, feelings and emotions right now that I literally feel shattered and scattered. I am humiliated and I feel disgusting all the time. And I am mad... I am so lost.
A little back story... I just turned 45 this past October. I finally got a job that provides excellent insurance this past June, so I decided that it was time to get everything "in order", so to speak. I am a healthy person and as I was researching doctors, my employer informed us that at open enrollment our medical was going to change. With this information I decided, start with dental and then start medical stuff after the new year, when the change in medical becomes effective.
November 6th, I started my period (a very normal thing for me), but I felt a bit more "off" than usual. Not only did I have the usual cramps, nausea and headache, but I also had some body aches and my hips and groin hurt a bit more than usual. Figured, I am a woman of a certain age and I know things can change, so I just continued about my business. On the 7th I felt about the same, but tampons felt a little more awkward than usual... continued about my business. By the middle of the day on the 8th, tampons were excruciating to use, pelvic and groin pain was the worst I'd ever had and I was starting to run a fever. By the 9th everything was worse and on top of every else it felt like I was peeing fire. I stayed home from work on the 10th thinking rest was needed and would help. Nothing was improving.. just getting worse. I did not sleep well that night.. excruciating pain everywhere and by 6am on the 11th my fever had spiked to 103.7. So I finally asked my boyfriend (of almost 10 years) to drop me off at the ER on his way to work.
After 4 hours, multiple medications and the most painful pap smear I have ever had in my life (the nurse had to physically hold me down as I cried) the doctor looks at me and says it looked like I was having my first outbreak. Outbreak? Of what??!!?? And that's when she said it.
I have been with the same man for almost 10 years. I was fully tested prior to starting a relationship with him and had a clean bill of health. We just moved in together this past May. I have previous trauma from previous relationships - physical, sexual and emotional. And up until now, he's been the most patient and understanding human I have ever met. Without a doubt, the love of my life. We'd even started talking about getting married. How can this be?
In a painful, drugged daze, I made my way to the pharmacy and home (got a ride). He came home early, and I could barely look at him. And I told him that I was on antibiotics. He asked me to give him a minute to put his stuff away and came to sit next to me and then he started talking.
He told me that his last girlfriend had herpes.. that she had been upfront with him and eventually they stopped using protection. And when we had conversations leading up to intimacy and testing, he lied to me. He had zero screening for anything. That he had what he termed as rashes as early as when he was dating her, but they weren't that bad and that he'd never been seen about them or been specifically tested either.
On the 14th my cultures came back positive for HSV2, on the 16th my blood result came back negative. He went and got screened for everything on the 14th. And by the 18th his blood test came back positive - and he has no symptoms.
We haven't really talked much more about it since the first week. And I think it's because I know he feels like a horrible person, and I have too many feelings and just can't talk about it right now.
I feel like he cheated on me. Physically, I know he didn't. But he did cheat me out of a choice. If I had known, would I have been different about sex with him? Probably, but I feel like I would have educated myself a bit and then possibly made different choices eventually. I love him, but it's different now. I am so glad that he loved someone so much that he thought the risk was worth it. But I can't wrap my mind around the fact that henever loved me that much. When really, all I've ever wanted was to love fully and be loved fully in return.
I love him but I am angry. Weeks later and I am still in pain physically. I want him to hurt and I want to say things to him to make him hurt. I love him, but I don't want him near me... but I do want him near me. I have written pages of things that I want to say to him. To make him understand what he has stolen from me... what he has stolen from what I thought we were.
I am sorry this is so long... I don't know what to do, or how I am going to live with this...
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