HeartbrokenPNW

@Seeker1960 Thank you for your reply. And you are right. He’s overwhelmed and can’t see past his own anger. He also chose to continue our sexual relationship after I told him about my status (after we had slept together only a couple times). So at that point, he was informed and made a choice to stay with me. He kept saying he didn’t have a choice in things, but that feels not entirely accurate since at that point he did. And he even acknowledged that he could have made a different choice when we talked a few weeks ago. I think he’s avoiding the feelings of shame on his own side of things by leaning into the blame and anger with me. It’s much easier to be mad at someone else than it is to take accountability for your own actions.

So, I tried to check in with him after giving him some space to see if he would at least talk with me about things because essentially all he told me last week was that he tested positive and that it was going to impact him in all his connections going forward and that he wanted to work through this on his own. He sent me a really angry reply accusing me of implying that he was lying about his results (I had mentioned I was stunned because my dr said there was less than a 2% chance of me passing in on while on meds), which is not what I meant by that at all. He misinterpreted things and didn’t give me a chance to clear anything up and told me not to contact him and then blocked my number and my social media. I’m devastated. To not have an opportunity to participate in a conversation with him about things, to be so misunderstood and vilified, and then cut off completely feels so awful. I understand his anger in the diagnosis. It’s completely justified. But to see the worst in someone when all they’ve offered you was kindness and compassion around a mistake that they own and apologized for and want to make right is so hurtful.

Thank you all for your comments and for sharing your stories. It’s still very raw for me but I hope down the line he will find some forgiveness and reach out. It’s so heartbreaking when something is just starting to blossom and get cut short by such horrible circumstances.

Thank you for your thoughtful and kind reply. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I am lucky in that I have never had symptoms and outside of the burden of disclosure, it has not effected me much. He unfortunately had symptoms, which is why he got tested. I feel so terrible because I believed I was doing everything possible to protect him and yet he still got it. It’s crazy to me that HSV effects each person so differently. The statistics I’ve read suggest that something around 80% of the population has it and that most people are asymptomatic. But for those who are not, I know it can have a big impact. I don’t fault him for any of his feelings. He has every right to feel betrayed and angry and devastated. And I also wish that our country didn’t stigmatize HSV so much, because that part makes it so much harder when you’re diagnosed. In other countries like Australia, they just assume that everyone is going to end up with it at some point because it’s so prevalent. I wish America did a better job educating people about STIs and that it’s not shameful to have one and that you don’t just get them from sleeping around and being irresponsible.

I also was told by my doctor that there was a less than 2% chance of passing it to a partner while on acyclovir because the risk is lowered by 50% and women have lower rates of transmitting to men, and even lower when they are asymptomatic (around 3%). So seemingly the odds that he would get it from me were extremely low. Especially because we had sex maybe 10 times over four months. I did ask if he had been tested before and he said yes. So it seems likely it was me and not someone else that passed it on. It just feels so unfair.

I was diagnosed with HSV a year ago after finding out my partner was cheating on me and had it and lied about it. I’ve been extremely conscientious about telling everyone I have it so they can make an informed choice about dating me. It hasn’t been an issue even once so far. Back in August I matched with several people on apps that I was interested in getting to know (I’m poly) and had extensive text exchanges with all of them, or so I thought. One day about 2 months in, I was looking back through the early texts with this partner for some info he sent me I couldn’t recall details of. I noticed there was no mention of my status or disclosure. I went to the app we matched on to see if I had mentioned it there but I hadn’t. I started to panic. I’ve never not disclosed to someone. I figured I must have said something about it before we had sex the first time because I would never not do that. But I was pretty tipsy our first time and couldn’t remember. I was agonizing about whether or not I had told him. So I brought it up that night when I saw him. I explained I’ve been on meds every day and that none of my other partners had contracted it and that it’s very unlikely I’d give it to him but there was still risk and I apologized profusely for not being it up before because I thought I had. He took it really well and so I thought that was that. Until a month ago when I told him I was having really strong feelings for him and was interested in working towards something long term. He freaked out and pulled away. I thought it was commitment phobia but when we talked he told me he was still angry that I hadn’t disclosed to him right away. I told him again how sorry I was and would work hard to earn his trust back in any way I could. Fast forward to this week when he tested positive. He ended things saying that his health and connections with others will be forever effected now and he was angry it took me two months to tell him and that he wanted to process this on his own. I’m devastated. Not only for losing this person that I could see building a future with, but that I have changed his life forever with my horrible mistake. I’m riddled with guilt and worried he’ll never forgive me. I told him I’d do anything to undo the hurt and pain he’s experiencing and that I hope he can heal and find peace down the line and that I’d give him the space he needs but that I am here to support him in any possible way I can if he wants that. If this has happened to you (giving your partner HSV and them leaving you) any words of wisdom?