leslie_c

More like 'Soul Trek Convention' (...stop it now, I can hear the groans all the way through my computer). But seriously, Alyssa - you know I love you. Can't wait to see you if you make it through the Twin Cities soon. Hugs & Kisses

Both of you just melt me into a big ol' gooey love-puddle! Going through the seminar with this group has freed me up physically and spiritually in ways I couldn't have even imagined. I've always called myself an 'open' person, but don't feel like it was really true until now. Being able to connect deeply with such genuine people in a caring, nurturing, judgement-free environment is probably the biggest gift of my life and I will be doing my damndest to carry the momentum forward. So much more potential just opened up in the universe. Adrial, I could say thank you a million times over and it still wouldn't feel like enough, so instead I'll just say I love you and already miss your face.

I'll second what these two have said. How about go ahead and take the pressure off yourself to forgive right now. There is no established timeline for clemency and closure - it would be a lot to ask you to deal with a big, new, scary diagnosis, take care of your body in a new way, try to find some emotional stability, social support and find the energy to be forgiving all at the same time. All will fall into place, some pieces just take more time and this person clearly deserves as much caring and grace as they've shown to you: none. Save it for yourself right now.

Awesome! Which show?

Thanks brinpdx and lelani - dead on. The dominoes fall different ways for a reason. Since that big heartbreak I've learned so much and now look back on it is as tough practice - which led to a more successful (and less stressful) disclosure conversation recently with the current (fantastic) person sharing my love bubble. Cheers all :)

Hello All - I'm a late 20s Twin Cities girl ready to toss my supportive hat into the ring for those needing an H Buddy in the upper Midwest. I'm especially good at converting skeptics and pessimists, if that is your deal. My ears are here for you :)

Is there anything out there about how to gauge when your body could be shedding if you never have outbreaks? My understanding is that the possibility of transmission is significantly lower if you have type 1 and if you don't have outbreaks (could be wrong about that), but for those of us who are asymptomatic, viral shedding one day could be as likely as any other...

Thanks Professor H, you're the best :)

So, I actually just had my third Big D last night (thank you, thank you very much) since the H showed up in my life - which basically was a non-issue because the dude is amazing: "Yeah, safety first. Duh. NBD." - and conducted it from the familiarity, security and intimacy of my own home. On the third go-round and after much consternation and hand-wringing previously, I know with 100% certainty now that it is my attitude towards the topic and mental state that have the biggest impact. The first time I was scared stiff (went ok, but probably earned a few grey hairs from it). The second time, I practically expected rejection. This time, I was confident about where we were headed in the relationship first and foremost and it just felt like a natural part of the safety discussion you should have anyway. And I didn't sweat it - most importantly. Sure, I had that semi-queasy feeling in my stomach before the words actually came out of my mouth, but didn't think much about it until the moment I knew it was right. So much of this stuff is just gut instinct. Therefore, in summary: listen to yourself. :)

While the whys and the wherefores of a disclosure conversation are not nearly as important as your feeling of readiness around it, an interesting debate arose recently on whether having it in a neutral location (which has been suggested) is better vs. having it in your/your partner's home. On the one hand, a neutral location gives both people some breathing room, the opportunity to ask for space openly and generally less pressure. On the other hand, having it in an intimate, comfortable environment where you usually spend time together feels more natural, close, focused on the relationship. Obviously, the decision where to have it completely depends on the two people involved and timing, but I'm interested in what others have to say: neutral or personal bubble? Discuss!

Hi-five, Professor H. From almost the exact same boat, geegee (right down to the diagnosis and the scenario), all I can say is that sometimes you have to just resign yourself to 'whatever happens happens' and leave it up to fate. Not trying to expel sage advice or anything, I say this for you as much as myself, but all you can do is what you can at that moment. No more, no less.

You've come to the right place and it already sounds like you're speaking from a place of pretty solidly knowing yourself and your own strength. Just hold onto that and know that you'll be ok, regardless of what happens with either your family members or your boyfriend. Truly owning your decisions, especially at such a young age, will definitely help you maintain integrity and build successful relationships in life. Don't hesitate to reach out, we're here for you!

This topic is pretty close to the chest for me, so I feel I must weigh in... To preface, I'm all for monogamous, full-blown relationships, but also go through periods where one-nighters or a friend with benefits are what I need - and that is all good. When I was originally diagnosed, I felt like an entire building of metaphorical doors were slamming shut in my face in the sense of what I would be allowed to have with the H albatross around my neck and still try to maintain whatever integrity I had left. After a year, the landscape looks very different. No more relationships/falling in love? Wrong. No more one night stands or friends with benefits? Wrong. No more oral sex? Wrong wrong and wrong again. I may not have been completely straightforward or honest along the way, but I know I am now focusing on my own integrity in a way that I probably wasn't pre-H. This is not black-and-white stuff (and believe me I tried to make it that way, it just doesn't work) - you have to do what's right for you. Being honest and maintaining integrity doesn't necessarily mean negating possibility, you just might have to take a different route to get to what you want.

I wish I could accept all of these comments joyfully right now, but unfortunately the last part of my story turned out to be a fallacy. The relationship has already abruptly, unfairly, unjustifiably ended. Total bliss to utter misery in what feels like the blink of an eye. I gave with my whole heart and since it wasn't related to the H or my disclosure I guess I can still consider it a success, but it is awfully difficult to celebrate right now. Thanks for the acknowledgement just the same.

Thanks for all the love.

This is easily the scariest thing I've ever done in my life. Constantly weighing the best (more like mediocre) and worst (especially worst) case scenarios; the right words, the right place/time/tone/everything. The list is infinite. So I practiced my disclosure and finally picked a day. This is the date the game changes, that the last skeleton is let out of the closet to breathe. I truly felt confident that this person understands and adores me enough to make it over the hurdle —yet there are always those insecure voices that just will not leave your head ... damn them. The day comes and one of the worst things I imagine happens: completely unknowing, he makes a joke about herpes right in front of me and friends. My heart sank straight through to the opposite side of the earth and I completely shut down. I try to regroup and realize that even though I feel back to terrified square one, now more than ever this thing that has been crushing me for weeks must come out of my mouth today. I know what and how I intended/imagined I'd say did not happen exactly that way, but that had absolutely no bearing on him responding like the genuinely caring, sincere, adoring person he is. Like I had been trying to engrain into my own brain, his reaction was essentially 'that is so not a big deal in comparison to everything else, so what do we need to do to work around this?' and completely brought me back to my senses with 'honestly, if you'd told me you'd killed someone, I would've asked if you needed shovels.' Many more details, stories and other types of disclosures then rolled out so simply and naturally after that, the conversation ended with us confessing our love to each other for the first time. This is so far beyond best case scenario. I may be getting ahead of the game, but I feel so confident now that I'm imagining this as the first and last time I'll have to disclose to a partner — whole new level of amazing. I would be remiss if I didn't pause in this gooey, gushy love-fest and sincerely, intensely thank everyone I've encountered through this H support system, especially Professor H. This journey could have looked completely different for me had I not had the opportunity to absorb and build upon the strength you've worked so long and hard to build yet share so freely. Thank you.

Oh, my hand is so raised L-)

Hi deedee - If you are feeling suicidal, you need to call someone and talk it out. The official number is 1-800-273-8255, but really you could just reach out to anyone you know that loves you. You don't even have to reveal details, just tell them you're going through something and need to hear a supportive voice. That said, I really have to recommend if you have someone that understanding and great around - like it sounds Kameron is - that you just lean on them during these first few rough days. Forget feeling guilty, just take care of YOU right now. Of course you aren't going to feel "worthy", but obviously he thinks you are or he wouldn't be there. We're here for you too.