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Jespo

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Jespo last won the day on March 22

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  1. Thanks so much for your encouraging post @mr_hopp ! I appreciate the time and effort you put into writing that response. I wanted to believe what you wrote, and I did, which is why I opened up to her about it. But unfortunately, the reality is far from the ideal. My therapist said to me, “Yes! You should tell her, sounds like you’ve met the woman of your dreams and she is so loving and empathetic. She will love and respect you more for demonstrating vulnerability and honesty.” Boy was he wrong. I lost all respect for him because of his advice. He had never been in my shoes with this diagnosis, and nor has he ever had to disclose to anyone, so how the hell would he know what it feels like to be in that spot? Seems like this advice just covers their butts. Over the last year since the breakup, I opened up to my family about my diagnosis. My sister, surprisingly, admitted that her husband also has herpes and told her a few months before they were about to get married. She was upset that he didn’t tell her sooner and, to be honest, she said that if he had told her sooner, she probably would have left. She was too attached at that point and loved him and his family. That said, her advice to me was NOT to say anything at all to women I date. Why? Because even though she has accepted it, 7 years married now, she said she still secretly looks at him with an “ick” and was always hesitant and careful during sex. They have children together now. So she just has no more interest in sleeping with him. They have zero sex life, not just because of this though, but it certainly didn’t help. An ex-gf of mine also told me she had herpes. I asked her how she got it and she said that her “window to have children” was closing (she was in her mid 30s at the time) and didn’t think she had many other options at her age, otherwise she would have left the man that told her. Yet another story of an older friend of mine, who dated a much older woman with children, and one of her daughters was married to a man for 10 years. She got herpes from him and he never ever told her he had it. Her trust was broken but she understood and reconciled over time. They are still together. My point is this: I came to do the “right thing” and ended up causing myself over a year of depression, anxiety, self-worth issues, and financial loss with therapy and coaches, essentially causing myself way more damage in an effort to look after her emotional well-being. She just walked away and moved on with her life. That didn’t go too well. And it was self-sacrifice for a woman who was once INCREDIBLY in love with me and later treated me with total contempt just because of this stupid diagnosis. So - moving forward. I stay on my medication when dating and take my dad’s advice, which I rejected at first before learning the hard way: “keep it to yourself and shut the hell up.” A cure is on the horizon and it’s no big deal since I don’t even get outbreaks. That’s how I will deal with it moving forward. And that’s the best recourse for now, keeping my own emotional well-being intact so as to prevent further harm. Thank God I’m not suicidal, but I need to feel normal again — not like some kind of leper. All that said, the only Source I’ve learned to turn to for unconditional love, acceptance, and validation is not another human being, but God. This is the best decision that will protect my well-being and hers as well. As the British therapist’s advice to me went: “Sometimes, the fear, worry, and anxiety that could come from your partner after you disclose is simply not worth the actual risk it entails if you are regularly taking your medication and other available precautions.” I tried the American advice to disclose and that destroyed me. Now I will try the other advice moving forward. BTW - I met up with her 2 weeks ago, after over a year apart, for tea. She still looks at me with contempt and could barely give me a proper hug. The chemistry is still there, I can see it in her eyes that she wishes things were different. Boy does that still f*cking hurt.
  2. One year later and I'm still not over this pain fully. It hurts like crazy. I went out on 40-50 dates but stopped at date 1 or 2 because I didn't see a future with anyone. I don't do casual sex. I also have started turning to God and my Christian roots after realizing that unconditional love cannot be found through flawed human beings, but rather from the Source itself – God. How could I ever have expected to find unconditional love through a woman? It's impossible. Still - I don't feel any shame or remorse for NOT disclosing anymore, after speaking with doctors in the UK and Asia. The best advice I've gotten so far is: "Sometimes, the fear, worry, and anxiety that could come from your partner after you disclose is simply not worth the actual risk it entails if you are regularly taking your medication and other available precautions. That decision is up to you entirely. There are pros and cons to disclosing and not disclosing, so do what feels right for you." That's light years away from what American medical professionals tell you about disclosure. And guess what? Even if you DO disclose, and even if they DO accept it, they're still going to look at you and treat you just slightly differently. I came to do the absolute right thing by disclosing, by looking out for her best interest, and ended up doing MYSELF more psychological harm, thousands of dollars on therapy and coaches, just to get over this. For what? So no - there's nothing wrong with me. I'm perfectly fine. And no, my future partner does not need to know (we saw what happened with that). I WILL do my part to stay on the medications and take precautions wherever I can. And that's where my responsibility ends, as far as I'm concerned. The STUPIDEST advice I received was from a therapist, and that was to disclose – from someone who never once in his life had to ever disclose. The stakes were high with this one. Wish I had disclosed to a woman I didn't give a sh*t about to test a reaction first before trying it on my dream woman. So that's my 1-year update. Haven't slept with anyone since then. And before her, I was 4 years celibate to "work on myself" and "become the right man for the right woman." BTW - I couldn't take it anymore and had missed her so much, so I reached out to her after 1 year of no contact and we met up for a coffee. I can tell she still has feelings for me, but she kept her distance because she already went through the pain of deliberating whether she should stay in the relationship or take a chance of getting an incurable disease. "A 2% chance of transmission is still pretty high" and "If I get it, the risks of hurting the baby during a pregnancy would be too high of a chance for me to take." Thanks, Google. So she chose to leave. And all of the pain from last year just resurfaced. It's f*cking painful. And that's my decision moving forward. At the risk of being unable to be "vulnerable" again (which is pure weakness for a man to a woman anyways), I've learned that it's better to be the "adored" than the "adorer". "Vulnerability is a strength" is the same bullsh*t advice given to men by those who believe that "gender is a social construct." Vulnerability is cute and all when women do it, it brings out a man's protective side. But if a man does it, a woman has to mother him, and that's a turn off. Hard facts learned the hard way that I will share here to spare you the pain. STOICISM. That's more valuable. End rant, I'm writing from my lingering hurts, but those are the truths I've come to after one year of this happening. Please, let's all pray together that a safe cure, scientific breakthrough, or other significant technological leap (perhaps through the use of AI) can propel the finding of a cure faster than we could have ever imagined. Maybe then, I can reach out to her and put her fears to rest. This hurts like a mofo.
  3. After 2 months of mourning, grieving, and accepting the loss of my dream woman with the most devastating heartbreak I've ever experienced in my life, I've come to the conclusion that disclosing is not something I morally have to do. My only moral obligation, as far as I'm concerned, is to protect those who I love. And taking the medication and using protection is how I will do that. NOT telling them is a way of loving myself and protecting them from a stupid stigma that makes absolutely no sense. Here's a great article that justifies REASONS NOT TO DISCLOSE: https://medium.com/@ellenbeale/i-have-herpes-and-i-dont-think-i-need-to-tell-people-1ca71ac7c0e After accepting this, I feel normal again. Can't believe I lost the woman of my dreams. If I didn't have herpes and someone told me they had it, I'd run too, because the stigma is too severe right now. So this is all part of my healing and I have zero qualms about it. That said, I will be staying on the meds when I meet my next (hopefully) dream woman. That's how I maintain my integrity. By 2030, hopefully there'll be a cure and we can get rid of this thing once and for all. Unpopular opinion, but it makes more sense for me and that's how I'm dealing with this. BTW, the whole "disclosure" thing is pandered in the US. Not in the UK, or in Asia or Europe, or any other country I've lived in or visited. So, that's my 2 cents and that's how I will handle this moving forward. Thank you all for your input.
  4. Such a high cost to pay. Dream woman in every way. Never experienced that in my life.
  5. She just kept saying she needs more space, and I think I over-pursued and turned her off even more since I didn't want to lose her. I've backed off now, not texting or call her, if she reaches out, I'll set a date to go out with her, otherwise, her attraction to me has dwindled down to nothing at this point. She says she can't take any risk dealing with this because of how much is going on running her business right now. I saw her exactly one week ago, we went out to a concert and had fun (nothing physical though, ended the night with a hug and kiss on her cheek), but it's been a week since we've texted or talked at all. I see her checking out my social media stories though. The whole trauma of going through this has led me to figure out a lot about myself and my attachment wounds, so I'm taking courses to come out of this better. This girl really was my dream woman in so many ways, it's been the hardest heartbreak to deal with ever. I'm truly in a lot of pain, but using the pain as fuel to launch that new business and work with coaches. I also opened up to my family about HSV, so my parents and sister know now, and they were very loving and accepting of it. Since opening up about it, I feel way better around this thing. After opening up, I also found out that some mutual friends in our family have discordant couples who are married with children, so HSV hasn't stopped them from living a loving life. The thing is... all of these couples I mention did not disclose until 6-8 months into the relationship. So now I'm thinking it might be better not to disclose until I know things are very serious. I'll of course stay on the medication and use protection, but maybe this is a better route than disclosing upfront and scaring women off. This truly has been the most painful heartbreak I've ever experienced, and part of me still wants her back even though I'm moving on. I know that if I want to re-attract her, I have to be willing to lose her completely and date other women in the meantime. She was never tested for STDs since her last relationship, so perhaps, just perhaps, she has it too and just doesn't know it yet. Thanks for your support everyone, this is a very helpful outlet for me as I'm going through a very tough time right now and want to make sure I come out of this better.
  6. Unfortunately, this relationship took a hard, sour turn after she Googled more about the virus and feared getting it. I'm in a horrible place mentally. To meet the woman of your dreams (ticked 85%+ of the boxes) and to have it all fall apart because of this. Oh well, I guess she's not the woman of my dreams then. It's like, if you want to date women with no kids and that's non-negotiable, even if you meet the woman of the dreams and she says she has a kid, that would be a dealbreaker. So, gotta find someone who can accept this part of me. I can't change it. Gotta accept it. Oh well. I still love me. She posted this on her social media, for what it's worth: "Anything you lose by being honest, you never had in the first place." Back to the drawing board... If anyone has any advice or words of wisdom and encouragement to share here, please do. Truth bombs are welcome more than anything else, no need to sugar-coat anything. I'm hurting very, very deeply. To make yourself so vulnerable and to have your heart ripped out of your chest weeks later.
  7. Hey everyone, I'm here to write about my journey so far, in hopes that it will encourage those who are feeling hopeless and in a dark place to see the light at the end of the tunnel. First, my story: About 7 years ago, I found out I had herpes after an outbreak down there. The girl who gave it to me denied that she had it, and blamed me for cheating on her (which I wasn't). I realized then and there that this girl has no integrity and ended that relationship. The year after my diagnosis, I met a girl. We dated for about a year. Halfway through the relationship, she told me she had herpes, even though we had had unprotected sex (she told me she tested negative on an STD panel and I said the same, which was true, but STD panels don't test for herpes). She cried, told me that she's sorry she didn't tell me sooner, but I couldn't blame her because I hadn't disclosed it to her either. I told her I had it too and we were both relieved. That relationship ended for other reasons, but one of the last things she told me was, "Please tell the next girl you date." I didn't date anyone for about 4 years after that. I focused on my work and becoming a master of my craft, slaying physical fitness, learning things I'd been wanting to learn for a long time, and becoming the best damn version of myself that I could be. The biggest change here was that I decided that I didn't want to settle for anything less than my dream girl. But what did my dream girl look like? I didn't really know, I was just dating and taking what came to me. On a long ride while on vacation, a friend and I decided to get very clear on what we wanted in a woman. And this is where the magic began. We took out a sheet of paper and wrote down every single quality we wanted in a woman. On the flip side of the paper, we wrote all the qualities we did not want or couldn't stand in a woman, based on our past experiences or otherwise. Then we'd turn those negatives into positives. Example: "Doesn't nag and complain" becomes "Loving and effective communicator". Over the next few years, I'd continue updating my list on the same sheet of paper. The biggest thing to keep in mind is that with the long list of qualities, I had to refocus everything back onto myself. I had to embody all of the qualities I wanted in a woman. "Takes care of herself and is physically fit" means I had to do the same myself. "Loving and accepting of me having herpes or has it too" meant I had to learn to be loving and accepting of having it myself, which I wasn't. There were too many times that I hated myself for having it and wishing I could go back in time and change things. The last thing here, and I'll be fully honest here, is that herpes made me humble and deepened my connection to That Which Is Greater Than All Of Us/God/Universe/Life (call it whatever you want to call it). Without this, none of anything would be possible. It allows the ego to take a back seat, relinquish control beyond what it has control over, and to trust that there's a greater process of governance at play. About a month ago, I met the most amazing girl on the planet. I'd been on dating apps, approached beautiful women where I saw them, still did my best, but none of those led anywhere. The chemistry with this girl was off the charts. Absolutely mindblowing and unlike anything else I've ever experienced. After 4 years of not being in any romantic relationships whatsoever, she just came into my life. From our very first date, we clicked. Everything felt so natural, so effortless, so real. We've been dating for over a month now, and a few times, there was the chance of greater intimacy, but I held back, which oddly, she found very attractive. Last night, I knew that the chances of us getting intimate were high, and I didn't want to stop this time since she'd probably feel rejected. I was deathly afraid of disclosing to her, because the stakes were high. This girl met 85%+ of the qualities I wanted in a woman, truly my dream girl, and my worst fear was that she'd say that she doesn't want to risk being with me and the relationship would end. I made the decision to tell her on 2-3 previous dates, but couldn't do it. I thought about not disclosing and just staying on the medication, but that didn't feel right with this girl. She had to know the truth. The foundation of any relationship is trust, it's the most important currency there is for building a strong foundation for a relationship: one that's based in honesty, trust, integrity, and vulnerability. I had seen too many relationships around me corrode from the inside because of small, insidious lies that just snowballed into bigger ones over time. At the end of the day, relationships are a mirror, and if we don't like what we see in the mirror, we haven't fully accepted ourselves. I see relationships as a vehicle for transcendence and self-actualization, but that's not possible if you can't fully love and accept things about yourself when you look into the mirror. So, after a home cooked dinner, we put on a movie in the background and started talking about the future. I knew there and then that I had to tell her. She was in my arms, holding my hands, very loving. And I said to her... "There's something I want you to know. First of all, I think you're incredible and I feel very safe around you, safe enough to be vulnerable and tell you what I'm about to tell you. I obviously trust you so much to tell you this, so please keep it between us. Years ago, I tested positive for herpes, which is totally common, and it's under control, and the chances of you getting it are super small. Do you know anything about it?" And she told me that years ago, in her department at work, this girl got it from her partner and was absolutely pissed off about it because she didn't know. It was horrible, the breach of trust it created. I let her know that a lot of people who have it are asymptomatic, so it's easy to pass it on without knowing. The first thing she said to me wasn't the worst that I had imagined. She didn't stop and tell me that she has to rethink our relationship, she didn't look at me like a deer in headlights. She said, "Oh my God, finding out must have been very hard for you." I've never seen so much compassion and empathy in a woman's eyes. Her eyes watered as she looked deep into my eyes. "Very hard. But that's why I'm telling you. I want us to have a relationship built on honesty and trust. And since we started seeing each other, I've been taking medication to help prevent the risk of transmission. If I have any symptoms, I'll let you know. I promise." She hugged me and kissed me so much. She thanked me for telling her. She was like "This must have been so hard for you to tell me. Thank you so much. Takes a lot of courage." She was so empathetic, and her response meant the world to me. And then? We made love and it was absolutely mindblowing. I had condoms ready, and we went allll night. It's such a huge relief getting this off my chest. But none of it would have been possible if I hadn't done the work first. I had written a script and recited it for weeks before mustering up the courage to tell her. But, I realized: fear is the compass guiding you north. Choose faith over fear. Choose love over fear. And remember that on the other side of fear is confidence, and the only way to get there is to choose courage. I hope this encourages others to see the greater picture. Herpes taught me what vulnerability is, because before that I'd keep women at arm's length. I didn't know what vulnerability was. But now, I've given permission to her to be super vulnerable with me too. She said she hadn't been tested since her last relationship, so I told her I'd go get tested with her so she doesn't have to do it alone, and she loved that. Post-disclosure, we're closer, we're more connected, there's more trust between us. So, see herpes as an opportunity to build trust and connection, to demonstrate vulnerability. For the right person, this won't matter. For the wrong person, it's an easy reason to escape. And lastly, I'll say that none of this would have been without my faith in a Greater Power (God/Universe/whatever you want to call it). Every night before bed, I'd express gratitude for all of the blessings in my life, and for the things coming into my life. Herpes has deepened my spiritual connection by keeping me humble and removing me from a path that was going nowhere in relationships. Casual relationships went out the window, because, as Jordan Peterson says, "The problem with casual sex is that you also see yourself as just a casual partner. Is that what you want?" I knew it wasn't, and acknowledging that meant I had to make a lot of changes into my life. At the end of the day, you attract who you are. So know exactly what your perfect partner looks like in every way, then work at becoming that perfect partner yourself, which includes love and compassion for a virus that doesn't define your identity. OK, that's all I have to share, hope this is helpful and much love to everyone here 🙂
  8. So happy to hear this! I just had my first disclosure too and it was incredible 🙂
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