CuriouslyDetermined

So it’s been a week since I disclosed, and got the “elephant out of the room”for myself. I kept replaying in my head and saying it out loud what and how I want it to deliver this information and needless to say, my anxiety flared to an all time high. However, once our usual conversation started to flow and I had a pregnant pause, he knew I really had something important to talk to him about. When the word’s finally left my mouth & were out in the atmosphere I felt so relieved. At that point I truly felt I could breathe. Most of the shame & insecurities I felt had been lifted just by that one act. And he was very open minded, non-judgemental and understanding about everything. What shocked me was that I didn’t have to go into a lot of detail because he actually knew information. I did have to give some information but he was responsive to it. His response to our conversation was one that I wasn’t expecting… he said he respected me even more for telling him. I really appreciated and needed that. You hear & read about how people react and it scares you, I know it scared me. But I’m glad I did it. I realize now it wasn’t about him per se, more so it was about me accepting ME…My reality. About me understanding that I’m still myself just with a better bullshit detector lol. I’ve gained a better sense of self, I’ve matured, I live in the present and I give myself grace. Basically my Mindset has shifted. I’m embracing this version of Me…and even though some days are harder I’m here for it. Now although he wasn’t bothered… accepting all of me…initially, I know there’s a possibility that things may not take a romantic turn, relationship, being intimate when we are physically present with one another. Or after some time has passed for it to really settle in, will things really change, I don’t know. Listen, It’s taken me months to just get here so I don’t put time expectations on anyone. But no matter what…that’s okay. I’m okay with that. Yes, I would welcome a romantic/intimate healthy relationship with him, but there are different types of relationships that are just as healthy. And I believe him & I have started a foundation for just that… a healthy relationship no matter what that looks like. I will probably update again after we meet. At that time I’ll see what & where I/ we stand with each other & what type of relationship there could be?…

Thank you so much for answering back. Just like you I was told that antibodies just means that you came into contact with it at some point. That’s really not that helpful because it doesn’t tell you if you actually have it? If there haven’t been any symptoms will you have a flare up…will you not? Are you just asymptomatic? There are so many questions surrounding just that statement in and of itself. But this is part of my journey. It’s about excepting all of who I am, and that means that I am excepting the responsibility of choosing to disclose. Most people won’t be privy to it. Only when I feel that the person(s) can be trusted with my feelings and my vulnerability, and I trust him with that. Also, I believe coming into the conversation with sincerity & with information is also a key part. I’m glad to know that you & your boyfriend have such a caring & great relationship. It gives me hope that after the processing period… which everyone goes through… he’ll continue to be non judgmental, accepting and understanding. Even if the direction Changes & the physical intimacy/ relationship doesn’t happen there can still be a great opportunity to be in another relationship… one of friendship/confidant with him. I’ll update soon as the day is approaching. I’m less nervous about it. It feels like the elephant in the room for me.Everyday we connect a little more. I actually want to get it out so that We both can move forward to wherever/whatever that may be.

Hi… if you don’t mind me asking how did your person handle it… did it make intimacy awkward? And to answer I plan on doing it beforehand. Maybe within the next week or so. That will give some time before the meet up. I know there may be questions after the initial discussion. And time needed to process any and all information. Since the meet up requires travel I don’t want anyone to spend money then can’t get it back. It’s just seems very daunting right now. From having to disclose & discuss… to if he’s okay with moving forward how would I feel with actually being with him in that way. I have to deal with my own feelings, emotions…my apprehension. That’s another thing I have to wrap my brain around. I haven’t been with anyone since finding out or wanted to be for that matter. He’s the first one… and he’s checked a lot the boxes for me, that gives me pause too. Hence me holding back & keeping grounded. I have however been looking up & formulating what can be done to make intimacy sensually safer, fun & sexy. I appreciate you answering, and your words of advice. It makes what keep popping up in my head feel right to say. I’ll update after the Big disclosure reveal. BUT… if ANYONE has any more advice feel free to share.

Recently, I’ve been getting reacquainted with someone. We are renewing our friendship and seeing where this can go now…we have known each other intimately. Since then I have had this recent turn of events happen. Although we have talked about open mindedness, and he has stated that he’s open minded and non judgemental and actually wants us to talk & be upfront about everything whether it be good, bad, or uncomfortable. It sounds very refreshing to know that we both want that to be a foundation for where We’re headed, but I am super nervous about having to disclose this. And even though I feel that he is open minded, me having to disclose both HSV 1 & 2 is overwhelming me. We will be meeting up in a month or so and the physical attraction is there and it’s not being hidden that that is something that we both want to do but how do I disclose this? I’m trying not to let myself get too into him. He’s making it hard, but being vulnerable & that looming fear of rejection is what’s keeping me, I guess grounded? I need advice on how to broach the conversation. I know the reaction/ consequences could be rejection. However, it could also not be. It May all be in how I word things and my knowledge. I’m on daily meds once a day because I haven’t ever had a flare up. Not even an initial one. My diagnosis was unexpected. I asked for the normal battery for STI/STD which I’ve gotten for years and it just so happens that this doctor tests for hsv too. Since I’ve tested with them before & nothing came up I was devastated when it did as I knew it was from my last relationship which ended abruptly after almost a year & 2 weeks before I tested. Needless to say it was from him. But what’s done is done. Now I have to disclose this no matter what. Honestly it feels like the opportunity to have a great relationship gets diminished to a degree. Being vulnerable was hard for me already. But this is a whole new level. You’re asking someone to understand and potentially risk their sexual freedom by being with you. Because that I’m a sense is what was taken from anyone who has to disclose. Herein lies my dilemma. I’m not oblivious to the fact that ppl are not that selfless or as open minded as they think, especially with this & the stigma associated with it. But I also know that having a defeatist attitude going in is bringing the wrong energy into the discussion. I just want to be as clear & concise as I can. I don’t ever want to take away someone’s choice as mine was. (And it was because he knew & didn’t say a word) However, I want to be as conscientious as I can. I know questions about can it be/how is it passed…either kissing or through oral is a concern. Is all that’s needed is a condom? How much do takings meds work? And how do you know if/when your contagious when there are no symptoms/ flare ups present? What the probability of transmission… etc. If anyone can assist with scripting it with me or just input I’m all ears/eyes. Thanks in advance….

Thank you so much for responding. You gave a lot of helpful information. I’ll check out more topics as well. I was definitely worried about exposing my family. I still am in a way. It’s still new and I’m wise enough to know it’s a process. And with any process it takes time. I’m also dealing with my own feelings & unconscious biases I’ve felt … the stigma around it contributes to my own reactions. I’m glad I found this group and finally had the courage to join. I’m still very nervous about any little thing that goes on with my body. If it’s an outbreak what are the precursor symptoms & signs. Sometimes I get so anxious & depressed I force myself to get out and do things. I sometimes feel that I won’t ever have a relationship again. I had gave up on love. Online dating can be exhausting lol. But then I met him in person. I thought I was fate intervening letting me know love is real. Boy was I wrong! Now after ALL my years (20+) of practicing safer sex this happened. I’ve heard and said the expression myself when in moments when people don’t use protection and someone gets pregnant, ppl say “ well getting pregnant isn’t that bad it could be something else… worse!” And that something else is one of those things I’m dealing with now. As I had said it’s a stigma associated with having HSV. And certain communities are not very understanding about a person having it. My family knows and they are very supportive. Some friends are to and some are a bit Leary, but it’s okay. When people are not informed there leaves room for a wealth of misconceptions & misinformation. But again the thought of being rejected by someone I’ve invested my time in getting to know is heartbreaking to be. Yet at the same time it’s making my approach with prospective partners more intentional than ever before. So it’s a blessing in the most peculiar of disguises. So again I thank you for your response and if you have any other suggestions or information I’m all in for it. I’m just going to keep trying to give myself Grace in this, as this is my life now, and I’m going to live it Intentionally & Gracefully.

Hi everyone, I’m hoping I can get some answers… some clarification. In October 2022 after some routine bloodwork was done I got my results back and I was informed that I came back as viral for HSV-1 and HSV-2. To say it was a shock was an understatement. I cried for about an hour and a half at my doctors office. I couldn’t believe it. My general practitioner, who did the test kept saying… insisted that I had to have symptoms. She kept saying “when you had you initial outbreak”. I told her I haven’t ever had an outbreak before, even when she described the symptoms I told her I had never felt anything like that. The only thing close to it was this weird tightness in my nose and I felt like it scabbed over inside and then after about a week or so of me applying Vaseline with a Q-tip it went away. She said that was probably an outbreak. Then I went to see my OB/GYN and tried to show her the bloodwork and she told me it wasn’t anything to really worry about because the test was not a culture or swab test it was blood work that just have antibodies… I was exposed to it. I went back to my general practitioner and decided that I was going to take daily antiviral and suppressant medication (Valacyclovir). I’ve been taking it since early November after I had my GP run a second set of bloodwork 2 weeks later and they still came back, viral however, both came back lower the second time. I guess why I’m confused is because I haven’t ever had a symptom (thankfully) out of all the symptoms I’ve read about. 1.How accurate is bloodwork? 2. What does having antibodies actually mean? 3. Am I asymptomatic? 4. What is shedding? Can I pass it to my children or anyone if I am? How would I know? Nothing has truly been explained to me and so I feel like I am in the ocean with a tiny boat and one oar paddling in circles. It’s just truly disheartening. I’m in my 50s starting menopause and just found this out. I’ve had this bloodwork done before as late as August ‘21 and it came back non reactive. I wasn’t with any until my last relationship. So I believe I contracted it from my last partner who was with for a year and I believe he knew he had it, but didn’t care, and then abruptly ended the relationship once he started having outbreaks again. I could be angry with him but I’m not, it won’t change anything…I’m so mad at myself because most of the time we used protection, but there were those few that we didn’t and those are the times I regret because I was careless & I’ve always been cautious & responsible with using protection. I just want information to be informed. I be been through alot of other personal stuff. I go to therapy again. But I still have unanswered questions. I want to try to date… I’ve had people interested but who do I even do that? I’m anxious and confused. If anyone can help me navigate through this I’d really appreciate it.