SERS

Its been a really long time since I last wrote on here. I'd like to say that its because I'm getting used to the idea, that I am learning to deal with this and that i'm moving forward in a positive way. However that is not the case. the honest truth is that I've been ignoring it. pretending it doesn't exist and acting like i'm not desperately confused and scared about the whole situation (fake it till you make it right?1) I have been working like crazy recently trying to save up money to come to America in fact, and hopefully (if I can get up the balls) to one of the weekend seminars organised by these wonderfully kind beings at Herpes Opportunity. That mixed with no time to socialise really, and no romantic prospects I have been able to ignore that little voice that tells me to worry, and to be scared and that makes me look at the rest of my life through one big telescope of doom. However recently it has become harder and harder to supress that voice. And once again I come to that never ending circle of questions, uncertainty, and paralysing fear with no way to reach a positive outlook. Recently a friend came to me when she was worried that, after having unprotected sex with a guy, she had herpes. This friend is a wonderful, kind but somewhat naïve person and her facts and reasons for thinking she had it were totally confused. She came to me because she knows that I have it, and obviously wanted advice. Which of course I gave to her in the best way I could and sent her to the doctors to put her mind at ease. But during that conversation many things were said that unwittingly hurt me. Her fear that she would never date again, that no one would love her, that she would be so depressed and never have sex again. Now I know that A. these fears are real, and that she was of course worried about them, and that B. she never meant to hurt me. However her panic just raised all these issues to the surface again and left me sitting there thinking 'but that's me, I am feeling and thinking all of those things, how do you think I feel?'. I knew she didn't have it, she had none of the symptoms, and I was happy to help but I just couldn't shake that conversation for days. its the same feeling I get when I hear one of the many jokes about herpes in films and TV (By the way how did herpes become the joke STD?) I feel angry and then immediately sad that this is how its all worked out. I hope this doesn't sound egotistical that I'm thinking of myself but I couldn't help it. I think that conversation stuck with me and made me delve back into the whole crux of the matter which is no longer, why me? no longer, how could this happen? but more importantly, how am I going to deal with this? which I guess in its own right is a positive. But again it all seems so much, where do I start, how do I start. Things are so incredibly different from what they were and what I thought they might be. I know you will say that that needn't be the case, that I can control my feelings and outlook towards it but, i'm really struggling, all over again. Sometimes I can almost convince myself I don't have it, that it was a false positive. I'm one of the lucky ones, I've never had an outbreak after that first one a year and a half ago. I can almost see my future falling back into a happy uncertainty of my choosing rather than the bleak destiny I now see before me. I feel like this has aired rather on the side of negativity, which always seems to be my standing on any matter. I am actually quite a happy, enthusiastic and adventurous person, I liked that about myself, I want that back. I don't want to worry anymore. to be scared of the prospect of a romantic relationship. to argue with myself about how things have to be now. I'm never sure when i'm writing where I am going to end up, the same has happened here, at least I am consistent in my uncertainty. As always, thank you for taking the time to read this. Sx

It has been a very long time since I posted anything. To be honest I lost the ability to put down even the simplest words that I was feeling or thinking. I am also unsure of what it is exactly that I want to say in this post. I just know that I needed to. I needed to remember that there are other people out there struggling with this, and that I am, cannot be, alone in this thinking. It has been nearly a year since this whole thing happened. I feel dazed as to how I am here. Nearly a year later. Dazed as to how I have come to view it. Nearly a year of learning about it. Of trying to come to terms with it. Of still not knowing where I stand or how to continue. It’s been tiring, troublesome, traumatic and all the other negative T’s I can come up with and I still don’t feel like I am anywhere near being ready to really comprehend what this all means. I have been trying so hard to keep positive and on top of my emotions, I have even told two of my friends that I have recently moved in with (big step for me!) and they were, of course, supportive but still had no real idea of the implications (actually quite worrying seeing as they are both training to be nurses). I am currently having an outbreak that of course keeps all this very real and at the surface (recap: I have HSV-1 genitally but also somehow on my nose. MY NOSE!). It is just another reminder that I am not dealing with this well. I have gone through all the positive phrases and clichés I know and yet am still at a loss as how to interpret my life now. I have been granted a year extension on my visa, here in Australia. Which is brilliant and exactly what I thought I wanted. My plan to live, work and save in order to continue my world travels. But currently it has only served to remind me that I am essentially setting up my life here for a year and doing all the things that everyday life entails, then moving on. It has been noted by some friends of mine that ‘settling down’ is something I should be if not thinking about then ‘aware of’. I just have no words to tell them why this can’t happen. Because ultimately I know I am not ready to have that conversation yet, I can’t even have it with some of my friends! I kept telling myself that I wasn’t ready for any kind of relationship, but recently I cannot help but want one. And this just brings everything to the forefront. I know I am not ready for the conversation so in turn I cannot be ready for a relationship right? Destined to be alone seems a tad dramatic on my behalf but nonetheless what I am feeling like right now. And that was never me. This has changed me in positive ways as well I know, I can tell. I am no longer the wimpy girl I was, I have strength, I know this, I know that what I think matters. I know a lot of things, I think; it’s just putting them into practise that I am finding so hard. This might seem radical/dramatic/stupid/unrealistic (please insert your chosen negative here) but recently all I can think about is America and getting there. I believe in part that this is due to the statistics on herpes within the country – I can’t help but feel that being there will bring around a much needed shift in attitude. I also just need to talk to someone about it. I know that can happen here but already I feel to close. Like somebody could find out. Then I fear I would have to run. I guess that’s why I am writing. I am lost all over again without distraction and need someone who understands. Who knows that it gets better, that it works out. I am sure that I am naïve but in this, I have no shame in admitting. Yours, Dazed and Confused

Hi All! First off I just want to say im sorry for not replying sooner, but most importantly a big thank you to everyone for their responses. They truly mean the world to me and have really helped me the last couple of days. A lot of you have said that it is a really personal post, I however didn't see that. At the time of writing I think more than anything I needed to get what was in my head written down, and pressing the post button was like accepting that that was the way I felt. I almost completely forgot that after hitting that button it was posted onto the internet for anyone to see. It wasn't until I read it back that I realised how personal it actually was. I said a lot of things in there that no ones knows, and that I had not even admitted to myself. I think I needed to have them written down in order to clear my head so I could actually think about them. Anyway this isn't another post, this is a thank you. To all of you. I cannot tell you how much it meant to get responses and so quickly! A lot of your replies it seems where letting me know that I'm on the right track, and in fact understanding that feeling this way leads me onto the path that perhaps I am meant to be on, and that I am coming closer to accepting this is who I am, even outside of Herpes. I really really really thank you for this. I have had the worst couple of days and have spent them mostly in bed with a bottle of gin trying to figure this all out. It comes in waves, and yesterday was the worst I have been in a long time. Almost reverting back to old habits that I know are not positive, but that are comforting and familiar. Either way I know this journey is not going to be easy, I just really need some answers, but the worst part is I don't even know how to phrase the question. This is all made ten times more maddening and confusing when, guess what! I met a guy! I know, how incredibly hypocritical of me. We've only been on a couple of dates but he invited me round for dinner yesterday and I freaked. I totally freaked, at the idea of having the conversation and of the reality that it truly meant. its one thing to go over it in your head, how you would say it, different versions of their responses but to actually put it into reality and sit down and say it. I couldn't I totally broke. Today I am calmer and more aware, but still have these feelings. I don't really know where I am again. I thought I was understanding and getting to grips with it all, and then it all falls apart again and I have to start all over. I jut don't know what to do. The most important part of this, however, is to say thank you for your overwhelming support, as long as I have responses like this, and such truthful and admirable advice I will continue to write the truest accounts of how I am dealing with all this. Thank you, as ever, for reading. X

It's been a long time since I wrote a post on here. This is only my second I know. I have to say before I start anything that although I have not posted a lot, I cannot tell you how supported I feel just knowing that this forum is here. To know that at any time I can hop on here and talk to other people feeling the same way I am, it really REALLY helps. I have been trying to deal with all of this but I think I am just getting myself twisted and more messed up over it. But as I said knowing that this place is here truly is the best reminder that I am not alone and that this really isn't the biggest deal in the world (I THINK??) So Thank You. I have been thinking about all of this a lot. And I think the first thing that comes to my head when I do is the overwhelming mix of emotions that it evokes. I literally don't have enough words to express it. I bounce from a 'Fuck-it, I'm still special, it's not all about the H' attitude to a 'Oh my god No one will love me, I'm going to be alone for ever' one. Doing this 20 times a day can get a little frustrating not to mention tiresome and stressful. I can't tell if being able to have these 'up' moments is a positive or not. I know it sounds that way, but sometimes it makes me worry that I am not dealing with it properly or just trying to ignore it. Either way it has been on my mind a lot. I think that because I am doing so many new and exciting things, I have pushed it to the back of my mind, I have to, I will not let this virus destroy the opportunities I have in front of me. I can't, I would be a fool to let it. But then how do I deal with my emotions that are connected to it? Well, if I'm honest, the things that have been helping me, are, reading about it, learning more facts and figures about this thing, Listening to positive music that reinforces my goals, and to be honest doing a lot (and I mean A LOT) of thinking. Here's the way I see it. I came out here to change myself. Honestly I did. That might sound terrible, I don't know, but I wasn't happy with who I was. I didn't like me, and I didn't see how anyone else could either. I thought that moving to another country on my own would force me to change, to adapt, to learn, to grow, to evolve mentally and emotionally into someone that I wanted the world to see, someone that I could be proud of. I am not there. At all. But I see differences now, I see changes in my attitude towards things, my positivity now outweighs my negativity 60-40, which is something I have never had. Anyway my point is that I believe this has come into play since my diagnosis. I cannot tell you how and why this happened, it certainly wasn't a conscious thing, but I believe that is has to be a part of it (I should really give some credit to the whole moving halfway across the world thing as well, just to be fair) But I think that having to grow up and deal with this responsibly has awakened me to the reality that life goes on regardless and would I rather waste it crying about how I might be alone forever, or should I go out and kick arse and do all the things I've been dreaming of doing for years. I think we all know the answer. This is not to say that I don't cry, and shake and feel sick, and want to curl up and hide from the world when I think about it, cos I do, I really really do, I just won't let my mind be swayed by that thought, I have to be stronger and I have to deal with it and figure it out because I will not squander the opportunities that I have. The one thing that gets me every time if I delve too deep into that emotional blender is the L bomb. Love has and I think always will be a very important part of my life (sounds ridiculous I know - isn't it to everybody?) but I have always placed to high an importance on romantic relationships, I know that, it is something that I have been aware of for a long time and for almost as long have been trying to curb. However this recent discovery has lead me to think about that more severely. Through this development, I think its the thing that hits you first (well in my case anyway) No one will ever love me. I have an STD. I will be alone forever. I will never have sex again. I will never find someone that is ok with this. Life over. All of the shame and the embarrassment came later, but my mind went straight to love. to sharing mind, body and soul with someone you want to be with, and who has chosen you in return. This really hit me hard. I love being in love and everything that surrounds it. I thought that this diagnosis proved the one thing that I had recently figured out, that the chances of me pre diagnosis ending up alone were ridiculously low. Of all the people out there in the world, there would of course be someone that matches me (not that I believe in soul mates but the chances are miniscule that I would end up alone - look at the sheer size of this planet) Post-Diagnosis me is a lot more cynical and chastises herself for being so god-damn audacious and expectant, however realistically the odds really haven't changed that much. My perception of them had. But these last few weeks I have been trying to shelve love. I have been trying to put it away, in a box, on a shelf somewhere at the back of mind. Instead of letting the idea of love rule me and my thoughts, I am trying something new. I am forgetting about it. I am quitting the search. And i see this as infinitely positive. I need to focus on me, I need to care about me, I need my life to not be about love any more. I want it to be about freedom, and passion and creativity, not constantly searching for love and validation. This is hard, of course, switching off that part of your brain that has been active for so long, but I truly believe that i will get there and it will be so freeing to not worry, to be happy with myself. because after that it will get tricky and hard and dark at times, the 'disclosure talk' quite frankly scares the crap out of me, however hopefully I will be strong enough to know that it is not me and this virus that is the issue. I don't know if this post makes sense, I feel I have had just had a terrible bout of verbal (well written) diarrhoea that is at the same time both truthful and contradictory but nonetheless that's pretty much how my head works. It's something to think about anyway - in case you didn't have enough already. X

I think this is a truly wonderful idea, so thank you everyone at (h)opportunity! I have just found out I have Herpes about 4 days ago and would love and welcome the opportunity to talk to anyone with some experience about this. I am female and currently travelling through Australia and I have never felt more confused and alone as I do now. I would really appreciate talking to anyone who knows more about this! Thanks

So like most of the posts I have read on here, i'm not entirely sure where to start. As the category shows I have just found out that I have HSV-1 but...down there. I found this out on New Years Eve, the day I had flown to Sydney. I have been travelling around Australia for 2 months now and have just got back from Bali when I started noticing something odd. As soon as I touched down I went straight to a clinic and got some help. Test results came back positive. I literally have no idea how to process this. I guess that's why I have joined this forum, for help, guidance and advice on living with this. When I first found out I didn't leave my room for 4 days, I didn't sleep, I didn't eat, I just cried continually. Needless to say my worst New Years Ever. I broke up with a long term partner in March which prompted me to get my ass in gear and finally do the things that I wanted to do. Travel. I had only slept with 2 people since the break-up and was just trying to get myself back on track. Until Bali, I had protected sex with a guy there that obviously carried the HSV-1 virus. At first I couldn't believe it. I have never had an STI, have always taken precautions when it comes to intimacy, and here I am, alone in a new city on New Years Eve having just found out I have...Herpes. There I said it. I don't think I have since I found out. As most people would do I have done a lot of research on the topic, reading forums and watching videos, and it helped a bit. It made me understand it a bit more, and perhaps even begin to deal with it, but then I would see a couple walk down the street, or a woman pushing a pram and I'd just burst into tears. I know that this is just a skin condition that affects a lot of people (although they might not know it) but I can't get over the fact that my entire attitude towards dating and love now have to change. I just can't imagine anyone being ok with this, with wanting to be with someone that has this disease. I am only 24, I understand that I still have a lot of learning and growing to do, but I can't even begin to imagine the magnitude of what this means and how it will affect me for the rest of my life. I don't want this to come across dramatic, but this is just very brand new information to me and I'm still trying to figure it out. I was having fun, I was being careful and now this has happened. I am travelling alone, I have no one to speak to about this. everybody I see is so happy and it makes me terrified of squandering this incredible opportunity I have in front of me. In a childish way this trip was to get away from some of the responsibilities I have at home and I am now faced with this heavy responsibility that I have to deal with alone.