Just got blood work back for HSV1 AND 2. I’ve only been with four people ever!
I hate how I feel:
worthless
dirty
used
unlovable
unfuckable
stupid
alone
hopeless
suicidal.
I hate reading how people just suddenly decided to be fine with it.
Like it’s just a switch that needs to be flipped and why can’t you find the fucking switch.
I hate reading now it’s really not that bad.
How for most people it’s just rarely a little bump or nothing at all.
When I haven’t been able to sit comfortably for weeks and am apparently one of the very unlucky ones.
And how I’m more likely to get a lot of breakouts over the next year. And God knows how long I’ll be shedding the virus, 6 months? 12? May as well be forever.
I hate how viruses have so severely fucked up my life for the past few years.
And now a new one will live forever at the base of my spine, ready to cause ruin and invade a new host at any time.
waiting for totally unavoidable triggers like hormones and stress and life.
“Stress is a trigger.” Oh great then my sobbing uncontrollably should help.
And I hate how of course I just met someone who is so sweet and I’m not stable enough to disclose so I’ll probably sabotage it before that.
I can’t even accept myself, how can I act like it’s no big deal?
I had just taken a step forward, got a therapist, left my partner of 15 years because I finally realized it wasn’t good for me.
Only to be knocked two steps back when the next guy broke my heart and gave me hsv2.
Now I hate myself even more. How is that progress? How is that “healing?”
I can’t see the light.
I can’t see a path to self acceptance.
I’ve fucked my life right up.
People who say it’s made their life better sound just as nuts as people in prison camps or on their death bed convincing themselves there’s hope. There’s definitely not but hey it’s the only way to not kill yourself first.
How do you not hate yourself? How do you like or love yourself?
It seems impossible, the farthest star at the end of the universe. So far that it’s only fantasy.
I’m just floating untethered in the darkness and I don’t want to bring anyone else into this black hole.
Genuinely interested in how others found self acceptance and if the only answer is time I’m going to lose it I don’t feel like I’ll make it that long.