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DamagedLotus

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  1. I am also on 400 mg acyclovir and my rx for episodic was 3 pills a day for 5 days. For suppressive it is 2 pills a day. For suppressive I have a 90 day supply so180 pills total with multiple refills to get me through the year.
  2. Okay, so I visit this site pretty much everyday but usually don't post or comment often. Now I need some advice or opinions. I’ve recently reconnected with my ex whom I thought gave me H. Back when I was diagnosed he went to get tested and came back negative (so he said). Since I never saw his paperwork I was always skeptical if he was telling the truth. He was always very supportive and still wanted to continue the relationship. We eventually broke up for other reasons. Now we are trying again and before sex gets involved I requested we both get tested and physically show each other our paperwork. He spoke to his doctor telling him I am positive for HSV2 and specifically asked to be tested for H. He is negative for everything. That makes me even more confused since I seemed to have had classic first OB symptoms during our relationship (but thats a whole other story). So for my dilemma, my “ex” really doesn’t like using condoms and isn’t fully satisfied when using them. He wants to go without. He is well aware of the risk and I have started suppressive therapy as an extra precaution which he didn’t ask me to do. I trust him but I have always been paranoid about STDs even before I became sexually active. Now that my paranoia has manifested into H of course I’m even more paranoid. I feel like I will never feel fully conformable having sex without a condom again even if we were married. It’s always on the back of my mind and I tend to over think everything. Obviously at some point I will have to go without since I plan to have kids the old fashion way. So I guess my question is: With being in a monogamous relationship and having negative test results how to I become comfortable having unprotected sex? Pregnancy is not a concern. Sidenote: when I went to my annual appointment my GYN requested the nurse write orders for a STD 1 screening (I paid close attention to the #1). When my results came in I got a call saying “negative for all STDs”. I called and asked for copies to be mailed to me and of course H was not listed on the panel. Even though I’m sure my doctor did not request that test since she already knows I have it, it still pissed me off. This is why people are going around thinking they are negative and not. If I hadn’t asked for the detailed report I could have been fooled into thinking I was tested for it.
  3. @LookingforAlaska Similar thing happened to me. My ex (whom I think I got this from) barely blinked when I told him and was very persistent about not using protection after I found out. From the very beginning before I contracted it was always admit about using protection and getting tested and thus the topic was a constant argument between us. He admitted to dating someone else during a brief 3 to 4 week breakup but claims he did not have sex with this person (who knows if thats the truth). To this day I think he may have known he had it (never admitted to it and never showed me his test results after he claimed he got tested and was negative). I also stayed in that relationship longer than I would have simply out of fear of having to be rejected by someone else. I learned that the longer I stayed the more resentment I started to feel towards him. I no longer trusted him, and felt he didn't even give me time to absorb the diagnosis as he just expected me to act like it didn't happen. I knew for months that the relationship wasn't going to work and even felt bad for sticking around. I felt like I was leading him on or maybe just using him because I knew he wasn't what I really wanted. It took me being miserable and unappreciated to finally let it go. Unfortunately, I don't have a success story following a new disclosure. I have yet to even attempt to date anyone since that relationship ended. I am still trying to deal with the emotional turmoil and fear of disclosing. However, I know I am grateful for leaving that relationship. I would rather be alone than stuck in an unfulfilling and untrustworthy relationship. My advice is don't settle. Take H out of the equation. If you hadn't been diagnosis would you try to make it work? If the answer is no, stand tall and walk away.
  4. Similar thing happened to me. I had my first OB around my period, the next month I was fine, and then had an OB around my period for the next three months (my first OB didn't happened until ~3-4 months after diagnosis) I did take meds each time but the last time I pretty much held off on taking them. That OB took about three weeks for it to completely heal. Since then, I have been OB FREE for the past two months (cross my fingers that I continue that way). I do think my cycle (the hormones during) contributed to the OBs, as the month after my first I was on birth control that stopped my cycle. I also have a theory that the extended outbreak allowed my immune system a good chance to "get use" to the virus and better fight it off. I've also been tracking any symptoms and OB so I can get a feel for signs. Seems like all of my OBs happen after my period rather than before.
  5. @tNd For me personally I think my birth control pills helped with my outbreaks (although I haven't fully tested this theory yet). Since my first OB i have had one almost every month usually the week after my period. The one month I didn't I had taken my BC straight through to try and prevent my cycle from coming since I was vacationing oversees. I then stopped taking the BC for unrelated issues they were causing (I was on yasmin and tried a few others). Since stopping I have again had OBs around my cycle which I hear is normal due to the changing hormone levels. In your case I guess it could have the opposite effect as well. I plan on seeing an infectious disease specialist to look into some causes and possible solution besides suppression therapy to get this under control.
  6. Speaking from a pharmaceutical research professional aspect (work on various phases of clinical trials including HIV vaccines, as well as developing the test needed to for drugs to pass FDA approval) my personal opinion is in line with @CR_19. "it's not a life threatening condition but what that also means is that it isn't on the forefront of things that need to be accomplished soon" I don't believe herpes is high on the pharmaceutical totem pole for that very reason. The big wigs in pharma are all about big bucks. Returns on investments (it is a business after all). Everyday I see protocols coming in, not for innovators, but for biosimiliars. That means companies are making their own version of drugs based on previously approved drugs whose manufacturer patents have expired. Even those have to go through the trials to be approved by the FDA which can cost millions but they now it will sell b/c it's other versions are already on the market. Now think of how much it cost to make a drug from scratch with very little insight of how it will fair through the trial, through FDA, and then on the market. I'm sure development of herpes vaccines/cures are taking place in several academic labs around the world. But at some point it's going to need the backing of the gov and/or pharma companies to get it anywhere near phase 3 studies. Unfortunately for us, I don't think herpes is a big enough "issue" to fully grasp their attention and to spend as much time and money as other disease like HIV, cancer, etc. Maybe eventually... Just my opinion.
  7. @abc123 @wscdancer2010 and @victoriaxxx. Even though you guys commented on my rant days ago I did want to say thank you for the support or as victoria said, harsh advice :). It's just really been one of those weeks that seem to come and go but I am slowly starting to feel on the up and up. I'll have my good and bad days but I know that's life. Either way thanks!
  8. I'll apologize in advance for my rant and self-loathe.... I’m seven days into my 4th or 5th outbreak since diagnosis and I feel worst then when I was first told. I’m refusing to take medicine I guess forcing myself to suffer because maybe I deserve it this. The thing that’s so painful isn’t the sores, don't get me wrong they hurt, but it’s the emotions. I’ve been crying several times a day this past week and last night was the worst. I probably only slept two solid hours and then I was either laying in bed staring at the darkness or I was crying. To top it off I had to get up this morning and head to work, live life like nothing was wrong when I’d rather just stay in bed all day. Honestly if I had the courage I would’ve just taken a hand full of pills right then and there. But I don’t have courage and as always I’m thinking about everyone else and how it they would feel/handle it if I did that. I think the thing that triggered all this emotion was seeing and “ex” from a few years ago with is his new wife. Not only is she the one he choose over me (because I was long distance in graduate school trying to better my f**** life/career) but she basically looks like me. This guy is probably the closest I came to being in love and seeing him happy while I now have this disease makes me upset. I’m now pissed at my most recent ex whom I think gave this to me (even though I don’t know for sure). I’m pissed at myself because I played a role in it as well. Yea I should have ALWAYS used a condom. I thought I did everything else right though. I discussed STD results, I asked for proof but low and behold herpes wasn’t on there and I didn’t think twice. All I saw was negative but it was negative for everything that was actually listed. The ones I guess they feel are important. I feel like I was robbed of my happy ending. My life with a loving husband and kids and a healthy life.That feeling of being able to be spontaneous and enjoy sex with a boyfriend/husband without worry of symptom or shedding. Its been hard enough trying to find someone i’m really into and now I have this to add to their scratch list. I know everyone is going to say it's not that bad, don't let this consume you, your life isn't over... but right now I don't feel that way. This past year was supposed to be the start of my best years. I started traveling overseas and exploring the world. I'll be 30 this year. I should be basking in joy and living life. Instead, I'm just wishing it to all be over with. Just get it out of the way. I just can’t seem to catch a break in life.
  9. @aikea I'm really glad to hear you had a drug free natural birth. I don't have children (hopefully one day) but always said I wanted to try a natural birth. It was so depressing when I got diagnose with HSV2 thinking I wouldn't be able to experience a natural or vaginal birth out of fear that I would pass it on.
  10. Great insight everyone! I guess for me even knowing all that I know now I'm not sure I would stick it out with someone I just met. Unfortunately not everyone is genuine when you meet them and it can take months (even years) before their "true person" appears. That's what would hold me back. Thinking that I am putting myself at risk for something that may not be genuine. I guess when the "right person" comes along all my hesitation and pessimistic notions would disappear. That would be the sign that that person is the one and worth the risk.
  11. GreenEyes87 Like you stated on my post it's crazy how similar our stories are (I'm sure there are plenty others like ours). The site has been helpful not only for informational purposes but it's nice to talk our feeling out with people who are empathic not just sympathetic to the situation. I'll try to keep hope that one day we won't always be single with herpes and can move on with a lives like normal.
  12. So I’ve been reading some of the disclosure stories and I keep reading comments to the effect of “if a guy/girl decided not to date you after you’ve told them they are jerks, the wrong person etc.” While that might be true in some cases I don’t know that I feel that way about everyone. I mean let’s be honest... if the tables were turned and you hadn’t experienced this first hand, learned everything you have, would you without a doubt say that you would continue? I can’t say 100% that I would. Granted I am usually a pessimist anyway, but if the tables where turned I would constantly think that I am putting my health at risk for something that may not even work out. I felt that way for my (ex)boyfriend when I found out. I didn’t want him him to continue the relationship in fear that he would not only catch it, but that we wouldn’t workout and he would have to take that baggage into his next situation (assuming he’s not the one who gave it to me). Then that guilt turned to selfishness where I stayed in the relationship just because I didn’t want to go through the whole disclosure even though I wasn’t happy. Some of these people might stay longer because they don’t want us to feel bad even though they are not comfortable with the relationship. Yes I know there are risk in everything we do. If you smoke you’re at risk for cancer. You get in car and drive everyday you’re at risk. Which is why you wear a seat beat. Trying to protect yourself right? So wouldn’t someone walking away from a relationship where they could potential get a virus be their form of protection. What if this was something even more serious like HIV? Are “we” viewing those that walk away as the wrong person simply because they want to protect themselves. Maybe they are the right person and circumstances made it the wrong time. Thoughts?
  13. Thank you everyone that commented. This is still very hard to deal with but it does make me feel better talking to others who are actually going through the same thing.
  14. I will never forget the phone call from the nurse telling me that I had a bacterial infections and was shedding HSV2. I went into complete shock. How was this possible? I didn’t have an outbreak, no lesions, not itchiness. I immediately contacted my boyfriend at the time and cried my eyes for months. I guess I’ll start from the beginning. Six months before this dreaded call I had begun dating a new guy after being single and celibate for 6 plus years. I have always been paranoid about STDs and adamant about using protection. This new guy was strongly against using protection and we always had disagreements about it. I discussed getting tested for STDs and he showed me paperwork that said he was negative. However, thinking back now only recall seeing HIV, gonorrhea, and chlamydia on the paper. I let my guard down, decided to trust him and proceeded to have sex, occasionally, without protection even though I was not completely comfortable with the idea. January of last year I begun to have problems with pelvic pain, random spotting, vaginal irritation which I thought was due to my birth control and sexual friction. This was originally diagnosed a UTI and I was given antibiotics and new birth control prescriptions to try. After months of going back and forth to different doctors (because I didn’t trust the diagnosis) I was finally tested for ALL vaginal infections and came back positive for herpes and BV. P.S the spotting and pelvic pain i believe was associated with the BC since it has stopped since I quit taking them My boyfriend took the news surprisingly well, told me he loved me regardless and was still very insistent that we not use protection. After I told him he said he went to the doctor and got tested and was fine. I went into a slight depression, worried about my future, and even want to want my life to just end. About two months after my diagnosis I had an actual outbreak. It was the worst time of my life. Extremely painful and stressful. My relationship started to go down hill (for reasons not related to the disease). I was afraid of the idea of having to tell a new partner that I had a disease so I stayed in an unhealthy and unfulfilling relationship for serval months knowing that I was unhappy. I started to think I would never get married or have kids. Even wished that I had contracted something else. Something that at lease had a cure. Now that my relationship has ended and I can’t help but sit here and wonder. I now wondering if my ex was telling me the truth about being negative. Was this why he was so insistent that we be in a relationship so quickly or why he took the news so well. I was so distraught after my diagnosis that I didn’t even think to ask for proof. When I did think about it I figured there was no point in knowing since it wouldn’t change anything. I would like to think that he did not intentionally give me this and the maybe he found out when I did. Or maybe he was telling the truth. It’s just hard to believe that I would be perfectly fine for several years and all of a sudden start having outbreaks every month. It’s upsetting knowing that even condoms may not have protected me. Upsetting that testing for it isn’t routinely done unless you ask specifically for it. I get angry and feel like he has ruined my life. Just when I think I have found a way to cope with this disease low and behold I have another outbreak and the emotional roller-coaster begins all over again. It just seems so unfair. What did I do to deserve this? I’ve only had sex with four people. The sad thing is I almost wish I had been promiscuous. What was the point of being so caution, passing up the many opportunities only to still end up like this. I know it is simply a “skin disease” in an inconvenient place but because of the stigma I feel tainted. I’ve only told my mom, sister, and ex that I have it. I’m too ashamed to tell my best friend so how I can tell someone I may want to date in the future. Every time someone makes a joke or negative comment referencing a STD I feel like I have this big sign on me like the scarlet letter. I mad at myself. Sorry for the long rant. Days like this I just need to get everything off my chest to try and feel better. I need to feel some kind of hope for my future.
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