Hello all, I'm new here. Not sure how to do this. Funny (I say that in my sad sarcastic voice) how fear can hold us, because in just typing this I am consumed with fear, acting as if you can all see me. I'm a bit paranoid (mildly put), a side effect of you-know-what (still can't quite spit that word out yet). I mean, just signing up gave me a migraine. Pondering whether or not someone would find out, or maybe someone signed up only to find all those infected and expose them (too many movies I guess). As you can see, I like to hide beneath a blanket of what I think is humor (they tell me I can be funny, but I think that's what people tell you when they're laughing at you). But, I'm here, so I guess I'll jump in. I type this with tears streaming down my face but I'll chug on like Thomas the tank engine. I think I can...I think I can....
I'm not really sure to be exact when I got "it" (bear with me people. I'm working on that). I gave away my prize way too early in life and definitely to a person that didn't deserve it but I accept the truth that nonetheless. "I" gave it away. I was only 13 years old. Well that didn't go anywhere. I can't believe I was surprised, but looking back, so many young girls thought as I did. You know, this will really show him and then we'll be together forever-Hah! He wasn't even my boyfriend, just an older guy I was crushing on.
Shortly after that "relationship" — or lets just call it a hit-and-run, an accident — I started dating my first love. We were inseparable. I think that the few times I've actually made love in my life were with him. Yeah I was young, but it was one of the purest relationships I've had (sad I know). So yes, we were having sex. And to make a long story short (and to leave out too many details that may or may not reveal me to someone, somewhere :-/) we were tested. Not willingly, but tested nonetheless. I was positive, he negative, though I never saw the results.
The adults did all the talking so I will never know. This is when I lost a piece of myself ... a few, actually ... a few that I don't think I'll ever get back. To put it bluntly, I won't get back. It's been over 20 years, my childhood gone; forced to grow up fast, forced to hide, forced to project and to masquerade.
I didn't know how else to deal and today I still don't.
I grow more and more afraid every day. I have a child and I am sometimes fearful to kiss them or sleep in the same bed. What if it's on the sheets? What if I touch myself in my sleep and touch their hand and they touch their face? And on and on ... I'm haunted by my reality. I've created horrible "what-if" stories in my mind that grow more and more regardless of how much information I have.
For God's sake I've only had 20 yrs to get a handle on this, but shit (excuse my french) I've never had an outbreak. Could this be a dream? A nightmare? Some twisted joke? Am I being punked? I want to wake up. I am crippled and I know that I shouldn't let this consume me, but it's taken most of my life. You know, the years when you should be carefree and fearless. I'm not depressed, I am depression, and no one would ever know (greatest trick the devil ever pulled and all). I am the Phoenix, rising and falling, building myself up only to know my fate. I'm exhausted. I still cringe when I hear the name. When people speak it, I feel the way the character Ennis did in Brokeback Mountain. They know. I've stayed in abusive relationships because I thought that's what was left for people like me. Yeah I've gotten past that, I like being alone but what about when I don't want to be alone anymore? Trust me there is so much more I'm leaving out that have led me to this mess I am today. Maybe I'll warm up slowly, open Pandora's box and share over time. Fill in the blanks, kids can be cruel.
I am afraid. I am afraid in just typing this. I am afraid.