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BitterSweet

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  1. Just to add, I've never said those things out loud, per se. I guess I'm not really saying them out loud now. Huh?
  2. Hello all, I'm new here. Not sure how to do this. Funny (I say that in my sad sarcastic voice) how fear can hold us, because in just typing this I am consumed with fear, acting as if you can all see me. I'm a bit paranoid (mildly put), a side effect of you-know-what (still can't quite spit that word out yet). I mean, just signing up gave me a migraine. Pondering whether or not someone would find out, or maybe someone signed up only to find all those infected and expose them (too many movies I guess). As you can see, I like to hide beneath a blanket of what I think is humor (they tell me I can be funny, but I think that's what people tell you when they're laughing at you). But, I'm here, so I guess I'll jump in. I type this with tears streaming down my face but I'll chug on like Thomas the tank engine. I think I can...I think I can.... I'm not really sure to be exact when I got "it" (bear with me people. I'm working on that). I gave away my prize way too early in life and definitely to a person that didn't deserve it but I accept the truth that nonetheless. "I" gave it away. I was only 13 years old. Well that didn't go anywhere. I can't believe I was surprised, but looking back, so many young girls thought as I did. You know, this will really show him and then we'll be together forever-Hah! He wasn't even my boyfriend, just an older guy I was crushing on. Shortly after that "relationship" — or lets just call it a hit-and-run, an accident — I started dating my first love. We were inseparable. I think that the few times I've actually made love in my life were with him. Yeah I was young, but it was one of the purest relationships I've had (sad I know). So yes, we were having sex. And to make a long story short (and to leave out too many details that may or may not reveal me to someone, somewhere :-/) we were tested. Not willingly, but tested nonetheless. I was positive, he negative, though I never saw the results. The adults did all the talking so I will never know. This is when I lost a piece of myself ... a few, actually ... a few that I don't think I'll ever get back. To put it bluntly, I won't get back. It's been over 20 years, my childhood gone; forced to grow up fast, forced to hide, forced to project and to masquerade. I didn't know how else to deal and today I still don't. I grow more and more afraid every day. I have a child and I am sometimes fearful to kiss them or sleep in the same bed. What if it's on the sheets? What if I touch myself in my sleep and touch their hand and they touch their face? And on and on ... I'm haunted by my reality. I've created horrible "what-if" stories in my mind that grow more and more regardless of how much information I have. For God's sake I've only had 20 yrs to get a handle on this, but shit (excuse my french) I've never had an outbreak. Could this be a dream? A nightmare? Some twisted joke? Am I being punked? I want to wake up. I am crippled and I know that I shouldn't let this consume me, but it's taken most of my life. You know, the years when you should be carefree and fearless. I'm not depressed, I am depression, and no one would ever know (greatest trick the devil ever pulled and all). I am the Phoenix, rising and falling, building myself up only to know my fate. I'm exhausted. I still cringe when I hear the name. When people speak it, I feel the way the character Ennis did in Brokeback Mountain. They know. I've stayed in abusive relationships because I thought that's what was left for people like me. Yeah I've gotten past that, I like being alone but what about when I don't want to be alone anymore? Trust me there is so much more I'm leaving out that have led me to this mess I am today. Maybe I'll warm up slowly, open Pandora's box and share over time. Fill in the blanks, kids can be cruel. I am afraid. I am afraid in just typing this. I am afraid.
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