abbey road

I don't know if this will ease your mind or not but I read that the virus tends to transmit more easily from men to women than vice versa. This is because the woman has more exposed area in her vagina. So hopefully this one occurrence of unprotected sex will have a low probability of infecting him. The greater issue is what if he wants sex again, are you going to disclose to him?

Her first outbreak? Did she contract it from you? How old is she? If she's post menopause, sex can be very painful regardless of herpes because of the lack of estrogen. My doctor prescribed short term estrogen cream which helped a little. Different lubricants are better than others. I know a woman who only has luck with one specific brand. So your GF could try another brand. Steer clear of those funky gimmicky lubricants; only use the ones in the drugstore.

I appreciate your response, Mr. Hopp. I understand what you're saying and I'm going to make a New Year's resolution to try to think more positively about myself. I do recognize that I'm negative about myself in other areas not just the herpes. I'm open to men approaching me but when I think it through in my head, I know the man will want physical intimacy and I freeze up. Being an older post-menopausal woman, I have zero sexual interest. It's not like it was in my 30's with someone I loved. I've heard many women in my age range say the same thing. I don't want a steady diet of oral sex. It's almost not worth it to pursue something with a man at this point in my life. What I'm saying is the herpes is just the tipping factor. There are other factors involved. I do feel envious of other women who have partners though. So I guess part of me wants one.

What is NYE? So you guys weren't intimate at all?

Hi, I'm in my upper 60's. I was diagnosed with HSV-2 about 6 yrs ago. I was celibate at the time and hadn't been in an intimate relationship for 20 yrs so it was a shock to find out I had it. I disclosed to 2 men, both of them seemed okay with it but then one man ghosted me after 2 times together. I dated the other one for a few months and we became intimate but he had ED and blamed it on the herpes. He begged me for oral sex and proceeded to ask for that every time we got together. I don't want a sex life consisting of only oral sex. At that point there were other incompatibilities between us so I ended it. I fell into a depression about the herpes after these 2 failed relationships and saw a therapist. I came to understand that I shouldn't be physically intimate so soon. I need to take more time to get to know if I'm truly compatible with the man in other areas not just sex. I haven't dated romantically since then but I have 2 platonic male friends. One of the men was a coworker I knew 30 yrs ago and his wife died so he looked me up. He is in his mid-80's and lives too far from me to have a relationship with. His physical health is poor, he has trouble walking and watches TV all day and sleeps. So I don't want a romantic relationship with him; we are just friends. The other man is a bachelor and never dated (from what I've been able to figure out). We met through a friend of mine. We have some areas of compatibility but also many areas of incompatibility. Also, he admitted to porn use and that's a dealbreaker for me. He said he will NEVER give it up. So I'm not interested in a romantic relationship with him. I could feel attracted to him if he stopped the porn use but he said he never will and I'm not willing to have sex with a guy with porn fetishes. This brings me to my dilemma...of whether to put myself "out there" to find a romantic partner. Every time I think about doing that, I get stuck on the idea that I have herpes and it's disingenuous to put myself out there like I'm a great catch when I know I have herpes. It's like, how is he going to feel after putting in time and effort with me for a few months only to find out that I have herpes? Any man in his right mind is going to say "no thank you". I just do not believe otherwise in my heart. If I were a man, I wouldn't want to be with a woman with herpes, no matter how great she is. People on this forum have told me that I shouldn't be fearful of rejection and that I should stop seeing myself as damaged goods. But that's easier said than done. Being in my upper 60's, I feel most men my age probably prefer a younger woman anyway, so having herpes is not adding to my "desirability". Most of the men who post on other forums about herpes have said no, they wouldn't consider dating a woman with herpes. There are a few success stories on here but they seem to be mostly younger people.

I disclosed to one guy after a few weeks of dating when we were starting to fool around and it looked like we would go further. He seemed okay with it at first but had ED when we tried to have vaginal sex (with a condom). He blamed it on being scared of the herpes. I suggested he ask his doctor about the risks to calm his fears...but he didn't. We dated a few months and he wanted oral sex all the time. I quickly tired of that. I'm not okay with 100% oral sex. It was just so obvious that he wasn't interested in vaginal sex with me. I felt "tainted". I broke it off with him, but it wasn't just the sex. There were many other negatives. After breaking it off with him, I fell into a depression and went to a therapist briefly to discuss my situation. The gist of it was that I shouldn't have let the relationship go as far as it did in the first place. I should have waited to see if there was compatibility between us in other areas not just sexually. But I hadn't dated in 20 years so I was flattered that a man was pursuing me. I decided not to intentionally put myself out there at this point. I feel it would be disingenuous. I cannot see that a nice man would be open and agreeable to a relationship with me when there are so many other available women in my age range in my local area. It makes me nauseated to think I'd have to tell a nice man, perhaps someone from my church, that I have herpes. A woman who has herpes is automatically branded as a hoe. So it's not only the herpes that a date has to deal with, but the idea that you were a hoe too. That is a big pill for a man to swallow. It's far easier for a man with HSV to date than a woman, I believe. A man will always have women interested in him, especially if he's a high value man and decent looking. A friend of mine hooked up with a guy with Hep C and HPV which I find shocking to me. If it were the other way around, would a man date a woman with Hep C and HPV? I don't think so. As far as dating a man who has herpes too, I'm not sure how I feel about that. If his herpes is more "active" than mine, I would be afraid. What if my herpes became worse after being exposed to his herpes? I'm not sure how that works. The idea of going on herpes dating sites to find a herpes partner isn't appealing to me. I'm sure these sites have a way to filter by locality. So what if someone in my area finds out that I have herpes and reveals it to others?

My previous post might be a little confusing. To clarify, I had sex with the guy who I think infected me in roughly 1998 and then was celibate for the next 20 yrs. Then began having symptoms in 2018 and got diagnosed. There was no one else who I could have gotten it from unless you go back even further in time maybe 30 yrs to a monogamous relationship. It really couldn’t have been him because he was married before me & we were together a number of yrs. I just believe in my gut it was the 1998 guy who never disclosed to me. How do you think I feel? I’m sitting here crying because I’m alone at the holidays & will never find a relationship now. I’m much older now. A nice man isn’t going to want me.

There are 2 problems: Herpes can be transmitted from around your pubic area even if you wear a condom on the penis. A person may not know they have it for 20 yrs like me. During those 20 yrs, I could have infected someone & not known it. What if I had gotten married & then found out later I was positive? How would my husband have accepted that? Would he have thought I cheated on him? These are just some facts about my own story for you to think about. We are all positive because someone infected us, whether they knew they had it or not.

Hi, I was diagnosed with HSV-2 in 2018. I had been celibate for roughly 20 yrs due to a number of life factors. I never had symptoms until just before my diagnosis. So I didn’t know I had it until I went to the doctor & got tested. The last man I had been with before I became celibate used a condom. Before him, there was a gap in time from a monogamous relationship. Not that it couldn’t go back that far but the most recent man was a player type. We met in a club. So I suspect he was the one who infected me. A condom only covers the penis; he could shed from the pubic area surrounding the penis. He may not have been on medication. The thing is, he never disclosed to me. And I got infected & didn’t know for 20 yrs. And now I do not date or have a relationship because of this. He caused me irreparable harm. I disclosed to 2 dates but they didn’t want to proceed with me.

Hi @Beachgirl16, did you disclose yet? I was stressed out before my first disclosure too. I did it and he listened, didn't seem judgmental, and seemed willing to try things out. So I felt better, until we tried to have sex. We tried to have PVI with a condom and he had ED issues. He blamed the ED on the herpes. I suggested he talk to his doctor about herpes but he wasn't proactive about doing that and just asked me for oral sex all the time after that. I broke things off with him fairly quickly as we had other issues too, not just sex. I believe most men would not want to start a new relationship with a woman with herpes. Why would they, when they can find other women who don't have it?

@RainbowRubberDucks I know a woman who had the same thing happen. She started a new committed monogamous relationship and had a breakout and was diagnosed with herpes. She knew it was from a previous relationship because she had had symptoms before this new relationship but didn't know what it was. She told her boyfriend and he was okay with it and didn't leave her. They eventually got married and are still together. He never had a breakout all of the years they've been together. This is a rare scenario IMO. She lucked out. Since they were already together at the time of her diagnosis, he was willing to work with her on it, but I don't think the average man would voluntarily agree to start a relationship with a woman with herpes. Just my opinion.

I don't know if this is medically recommended but I use tea tree oil on the lesion to dry it up. It seems to dry it up quickly. I know we're not supposed to use essential oils directly on the skin but I don't care. I've used it on my oral herpes too. I dab it on a Kleenex and then apply it to the lesion.

Dear @Lala1212, big hug, I totally get it, I'm in your shoes too. Almost the same situation happened to me. I had one random drunken pickup with a "player" type of guy in a moment of desperation when I was depressed about being single and unmarried. He used a condom also. Fast forward, 20 years later I found out I have herpes. I had been celibate during those 20 yrs so I knew it had to be him. I met a guy and disclosed the herpes to him and he was iffy about it. He used a condom and had ED issues when we tried to have PVI. He blamed his ED on the herpes. It wasn't a workable relationship in other ways so I ended it. At this point I avoid getting involved with anyone. I don't flirt or project sexual interest in anyone. Why bother? If I were a man, I wouldn't want to have sex with someone with herpes, so why would I expect a man to have sex with me? It's ludicrous. I went from having hope about it to being resigned that it's not feasible. If God wants me to have someone despite my diagnosis, then it will fall into place accordingly. But I'm not going to actively pursue a relationship at this point. I have given up.

I am so sorry, @Worthy. I'm in the same situation as you. I was told by my GYN that the definitive test for genital herpes is a swab of the lesion itself so unfortunately, getting tested for STIs prior to a new relationship may be inconclusive for herpes. The shocking thing for me is that 20 years had passed between my diagnosis and the last man I was with (I was celibate for this time period), and there were a number of years between this man and the last relationship before him (which was monogamous and had lasted several years). I have no reason to suspect that person. The man I suspect gave it to me had used a condom. I tried to contact him but was unsuccessful in finding him. Fast forward...around the time of my diagnosis, I dated a man and disclosed my herpes to him. He was very cautious about it and had ED problems when we tried to have PVI with a condom. He blamed the ED on my herpes. He wanted oral all the time. I ended the relationship as there were other more serious issues involved. I decided not to try again and I'm pretty much resigned to being celibate for the rest of my life. I don't want sex if it's going to be a lifetime of condoms and oral sex and other "work arounds" to avoid normal PVI. If I were in a man's shoes, no, I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who has herpes. So why would I expect a man to overlook it to have sex with me when he can find any number of available women who don't have it? There is no magic wand for us. People mean well when they try to help us think more positively but at the end of the day, it's kind of window washing. Most people out there do not want anything to do with people who have herpes.

Also, further perspective here. To make matters even worse, my sister is also HSV positive but she was already involved with her husband (then boyfriend) at the time of her diagnosis. She didn’t get it from him. She had been having outbreaks before him but didn’t know what it was. When she found out the bad news, he took it in stride & thought his ex may have had it too. The fact is, my sister lucked out. She was in her 30’s at the time (versus me in my 60’s), still young & hot, and they were already involved. It makes me seriously angry when she minimizes my pain. Her experience versus mine was apples and oranges. I hoped she might be more empathetic & be the person I could cry to. But she isn’t.