Sleem

I’ve been positive for 2 years. I got it from my ex husband, but didn’t break out, get a positive result until a year after we last had sex. I knew he had it before we got married, he was careful, and at the time I was fine with the risk. 4 years no symptoms, I do believe he intentionally gave it to me when we were separated. Obviously it was devastating for me. To get that negative test, that relief, then just a year later, it’s taken away from you. Shortly after I found out, I got back together, briefly, with the ex (terrible idea obviously). I felt like I didn’t have a choice, who else would want me, it didn’t last. I don’t want to be with him for many reasons. I’ve met two men off of positive singles. It was awful. They treated me as an object, just wanted to hook up. That app is horrible, everyone is too far away. Meaning no one wants to try a relationship. I've tried with non positive people twice on dating apps. I tried to find that “sweet spot”, but failed each time. Ghosted. It’s disheartening. At this point I’m wondering if anyone will ever love me. I’m a single mom, in grad school, no social life, no love life. I try to push my need to be loved aside and say that other things can fulfill me, but I still want to be loved. I don’t know how to reconcile the need for love and the patience it’s required to wait for the magical unicorn of acceptance. Don’t I deserve to be loved by someone finally? I just don’t know how to continue or if I should just accept that it’s likely never to happen, and that I should learn to live without? I dunno, become a nun?