lucky1

Thank you both. I am on suppressive therapy and have been for 20 years. This sounds crazy but I am not sure which strain I have had. I have had it for so long and can't remember much of the diagnosis given I was in such shock and only 19 years old. Dancer - I like the idea of a fun date to the clinic. Not sure how "fun" he would think that is but I suppose it comes with the territory. So far he has been absolutely amazing, so I imagine he would be willing to do it so he knows what he is dealing with.

Just started dating a guy who I have disclosed to. He recently told me that he has Oral Herpes. I have Genital Herpes. How likely is it I pass the virus to him or vice versa?

Regarding the question about how long someone has been in a relationship where one partner has it and the other does not. I have HSV2 and was married and had two children. My ex-husband and I were together 16 years, obviously hoping it would be forever. Throughout that time, I was on Acyclovir only for outbreaks. We had regular and frequent unprotected sex including oral and it has been confirmed that my ex-husband has never contracted the virus. It is possible. It just was never an issue for us. Of course, some nights we had to get creative but that just added to the fun. May have been more annoying for him but that only lasted a couple of days. Through body awareness, I was able to recognize when I was getting an OB through prodomes. Hope this helps and thank you so much for being supportive to your girlfriend. It goes a very long way and while it is scary, it is certainly one of the smaller issues you will face in your relationship. I should add that both of my children were birthed vaginally with no passing of the virus to them. I know that was a big fear for me before I had babies.

Dancer...I am curious. I am seriously considering putting that I have Herpes on my online dating profile but am curious how you word it and what you say? Would you mind at all sharing that? In addition, when he wrote back and asked you those questions, how did you respond? Thanks.

Thank you Dancer. I appreciate you following up. You are so right about the misinformation. Reading the internet and the various sites that have information about Herpes, I am not surprised there is a stigma as it relates to having or passing on this disease. Not to mention someone that is informed by a partner they have it...UGH scary if they just went straight to the internet. I have read many of the links you and Adrial have provided. This is an excellent, excellent resource. I am even going to bring the printouts with me when I disclose tomorrow. I hope it goes well...but like you say...a great wingman to weed out those guys that aren't worth my time anyway!! Take care...

This is a great thread. I was very glad to hear that stuckinarut was not scared off. I have been in your shoes exactly and I know how awful it feels to lie (or not disclose in advance) and then beat yourself up about it. You have great strength to take the feedback here in a very humble and heartfelt way. I will be honest when I read the first response back to you I cringed...as that is a harsh reality to hear in your first comments. I almost cried for you...BUT I am also a baby :) You are well on your way (like I am) to facing this big ugly monster called Herpes and not letting it turn us into liars, fakes or anything else. We are women living with Herpes. It sucks BUT we still have beautiful, wonderful souls that are WORTH loving :) To bookworm and Victoria..."I also didn't want to build myself up just to lose him.. "If you are going to leave me, then leave me now so I don't have anything to hold on to." I said something almost EXACTLY like this last night. I let him know I was telling him upfront because I didn't want either of us to get more attached and then have things end." I am telling someone I have been dating tomorrow night because I feel myself really starting to like him and I feel like he needs to know now as our comments and chatter is getting more "personal and flirty". If he can't deal with it or doesn't want to continue to get to know me because of H then I won't have anything to hang onto and I can easily let him go. Thank you ladies for the words I have been searching for. Been practicing my "elevator speech" about this for days. This site is a god send..seriously. Armed with my handouts, I will be positive and HONEST and still PROUD to be me!!!

Moonsigngirl, I, too, am very new to this site but have lived with HSV2 for 20 years. Up until my separation 4 years ago and divorce a year and a half ago, I was married. Unfortunately, my ex created a lot of pain and shame for me around my condition. He was mean and harsh when it caused an inconvenience for him and often made me feel dirty and disgusting. That being said, staying married to an abusive jerk seemed easier in my eyes than going out into the dating real world and needing to have "the talk" with many new people that may or may not accept me. Well, I finally realized that being treated like crap by my husband and living in an incredibly unhappy marriage was worse for me and my kids than having to tell someone that I had Herpes. I am not Herpes and it does not define me or change who I am at my core. But I knew that if I stayed in that horrible marriage any longer and I would no longer be me. I would be the shell of who I once was because I would become bitter, angry and unhappy. At least by leaving, my soul can be at peace, my heart can be full of love even if only for myself and my kids and I can find true joy in each day. Yes - it sucks to have to tell people and to have to deal with this inconvenient skin condition BUT like Dancer says it is a great way to weed out the men that wouldn't stick around anyway or want to be with you for the wrong reasons. I pray you decide what to do with your marriage and I hope it all works out for you, but please don't allow having Herpes keep you in an unhealthy or unhappy marriage. Everyone deserves to be happy and loved even if we have Herpes!!

Dancer, Thank you for your comments. I am now abstaining from all sex with anyone actually and am well aware of the risk I put my previous partners in. As you said, I was dealing with many psychological issues from my past and in many ways, was being very, very selfish and destructive. Trust me when I say there are many nights I laid awake praying for God to forgive me for what I did. I should also say that I did go back to several people and told them the truth after the fact when I felt led to. All of them were understandably upset, however, we have remained friends and they have been tested and were all negative. As far as my husband goes, he is definitely negative. After our last sexual encounter, he made it a point to get tested and confirm how I did NOT ruin his life like I ruined my own. I am and have been in therapy weekly for over a year and have come a very long way to healing from my past. Honestly, accepting the effects of this disease as I take a new dating approach is one of the reasons I am here. I appreciate your tough love approach and I certainly understand your concerns regarding my and, most likely, other people's posts. However, I didn't come here to be scolded for the mistakes I have made in my past or will likely make in the future. I have spent 20 years reading everything I could read about this disease, learning my own body very well and I clearly understand how I was in denial about everything I knew and know to be true about Herpes. I am hoping this forum is a safe place to land when I am hurting, when I make a bad decision or when I need a shoulder to lean on. I plan to be a safe, kind, respectful and loving place for others to land as well....even if they make mistakes. After all, one mistake, one bad night is how I got on this site.

Ashley, All day long I sat here feeling sorry for myself. Freaking out about how I am going to tell some guy I have dated a few times that I have Herpes. I have had H for 20 years but I have never had cancer. I hope to never have cancer and am so sorry you have to have BOTH. However, let me say that neither Herpes nor Cancer defines you and it doesn't define me either. WE are not WHAT we have...the diseases we carry! We are wonderful, beautiful, strong, amazing women that can beat anything that comes our way...and we can do it with the grace and soul that only WE can! Sweetie...I am praying for you! God only gives us what we can handle and he must have BIG plans for you. I assume you are relatively young and you sound smart, I am sure you will come out of all of this shining. Herpes won't even be a blip on your radar screen after you beat cancer!!! Take care my dear... Osolucky1

Hello Everyone, I am new here. Just joined today and to be honest, I couldn't have found this site and all of you at a better time. I am in the midst of an outbreak (the first in about a year), I am dating someone (who doesn't know about the H), and feeling the poor me's once again. Since I plan on spending some time here to hopefully heal from some very old and deep wounds, I thought I would share with you all my story so you can "know" me as much as possible in this virtual environment. I got HSV2 Genital at the age of 19 while living in Las Vegas (I am now living in Minnesota). I was young, careless and made a one night mistake that has forever changed my life. I met my first real boyfriend after that at the age of 20. I was so scared to death of having this disease, I didn't tell him until long after I knew he already loved me and we had been intimate. He was disgusted and very, very angry at me. Understandably so, I took away his right to know and put him at risk. That said, he chose to stay with me. Almost as though he was forced to and wanted to punish me for not telling him. Unfortunately, the anger, disgust and mistrust he felt set the tone for the rest of our 16 year relationship. We had two beautiful children together, now ages 10 and 14. They were both delivered naturally and are without the virus. Our sex life was always under a black cloud because if things weren't good and he wasn't happy that week, month or day, he would remind me of my disease and how he hated it and it/I grossed him out, etc. I constantly felt like damaged goods. I had to learn how to take care of his sexual needs other ways because he didn't want to risk being with me, even with protection, if I wasn't going to be good enough for him forever. Over the years, I became very good at knowing when an OB was coming and I knew to stay far away from him. All in all, the stress of my marriage took a toll on me and I got more and more OBs even with suppressive therapy while I was with him. Finally, four years ago, after abuse that caused me to call the police, I left him and have since been divorced a year a half. It took me that long to really, really be free. I was so very stuck mainly because this disease was always in the back of my mind. Living with him seemed easier than telling another person. Of course, I stayed way too long because I thought (and he told me) no one else would want me. I feared the reality of having to tell other partners and realizing more rejection, etc. However, my daughters were starting to witness his abuse and I had no other choice. I actually decided I would rather live alone with my Herpes than be abused by him for the rest of my life. It is important to note that after 16 years with my ex-husband and many, many unprotected times of both forms of sex, he never got it. I was always on Acyclovir pills, always very, very careful and he immediately washed himself afterward every time no matter what. Note - he would have unprotected sex with me when he was happy with me or our relationship, otherwise, it was the alternative. Also, I now get an outbreak only in very stressful times. Since my life is so calm and peaceful now that I am away from him, I have only had 6 outbreaks in the last four years. So here I am...38 years old and back in the dating scene. I get asked out often but I fear letting anyone get too close or anything get too serious because they don't really KNOW me. They don't know that I have this secret I would eventually have to tell them. Just like other women, I have needs and occasionally do have "protected" sex with people I meet or go out with, but I would only do that with people I know aren't looking for anything long term or who I am not that interested in. I fear having to tell them. I figure if we have protected sex once or twice or even occasionally, when I do not have OB or am even shedding, I am safe. I have told two people that were understanding (though that I didn't end up liking) and at least five that ran away immediately, breaking my heart and making me swear off dating for the rest of my life. :) Not really, I am still trying to find someone that accepts me and ALL of me and loves me for it. Now for the reason I am here...I want to be able to hear your stories, share my experiences, get advice, give advice, find friends that also have the H word. I finally want to be able to look in the mirror and love myself....all of me, even the me that has Herpes, an incurable, contagious skin condition (I love this definition by the way). :)

Hello Everyone, I am looking for an (h)buddy! I am 38 years old, divorced, mother of two girls and from Minnesota. I have had Herpes for 20 years but after suffering years of shame and abuse at the hands of my ex-husband about the disease (among other things), I am back in the dating scene and trying to find a way to not let this disease define who I am and also learn ways to be more accepting of myself. It would really help to find someone that has lots of good dating experience in my age bracket and hopefully someone that has learned to accept this disease for what it is..an inconvenience but not the end of my life as I know it!! Thank you.