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goodluckchuck

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  1. Hi there, new member but I've been reading for a while now. Wanted to post now because I feel like it's been eating me up inside lately. I'm in my early 20's, a recent college grad, finished back in May, moved to Austin back in June and working as an engineer currently. I split with my college sweetheart of two years going into my last year. It was long distance and I haven't really had a proper girlfriend before (someone in my zipcode). She initiated it but came back and I didn't want to get back together because I wasn't ready to settle down. That's where that was heading and I wasn't ready for that. I try to meet women at bars unsuccessfully for a little over a year, college ends with a lot of sexual frustration and self-loathing. Fast forward to a August, been living in Austin for a couple months. I go get drinks after work one day with some coworkers and as I'm on my way out of the bar I happen to make eye contact with this really cute girl and thought what the hell I'll go for it. I'm usually kind of awkward around women but this time it seems to be working out. End up going back to my place and doing the deed, one and only successful bar pickup of my life, didn't use a condom and now I've got genital herpes. At 23, contracted HSV2 two months out of college. There were warning signs that I ignored telling me that I should use protection with this girl but all I was concerned about was not getting her pregnant. I had never thought that something like this would happen to me. Haven't seen this girl since, she didn't know she had it and sounded devastated when I told her. I feel like I'm supposed to be angry at her for doing doing this to me but I just blame myself for not using protection. Sometimes I can muster up some anger but usually how I deal with problems is just by blaming myself. I consider myself pretty smart, well I obviously can't be that smart. I remember thinking about a month before it happened, wow everything is going pretty well for me, I really don't have any big problems. I'm a pretty mild-mannered guy and I am way too nice for this. I feel terrible if I make someone wait on me for 10 minutes. I didn't want a serious relationship and now I'm worried about giving someone a permanent problem. My story is essentially what my teacher said would happen in health class back in high school about how people get STDs. As of now, I'd love to be in something long term. Feeling very alone. College sweetheart moved on and is about to move in with another guy. I'm just scared that I'll end up stuck with someone I don't love because I got her infected and feel too guilty to leave. This is not how I pictured life right out of college going. I know it'll get better eventually but I feel like I'll be missing out on my 20s now because I'm too scared to put myself out there. I was anxious and nervous around women before without that cherry on top. I'm on OKCupid but when I browse through the matches I just tell myself they'd all go running as soon as I disclose to them. How long before you feel better about this? A year? Two years? As far as the irony in the title, I turned down some girls in high school cuz I wanted my first time to be special. First time in college ends up with me being a booty call. Long term relationship ends because I can't commit, after getting herpes that's all I really want. Met an attractive older woman recently that would have let me do whatever I could think of, nothing will ever happen cuz I told her and she doesn't want to risk it. So it looks like I could have actually had all the sex I know everyone has been having behind my back if I had just passed by that one landmine. Life's a joke sometime. Anybody else laughing?
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