parrotperson

Sigh. We also talked on the phone for many hours. I'm not a fan of Just World Theory. NO, there were NO indicators, and many indicators that he was trustworthy and compassionate.

Thanks for the responses. As far as trusting my heart or my instincts, I did and they were clearly wrong. I thought I could trust him with this information. I thought it was possible he would not want to continue, but I never imagined he would have the angry and accusatory reaction he did. I agree in general that in person is best, but that wasn't possible in this situation, as he lives nearly 6 hours away. If he reacted this angrily to my telling him now, via email, I can only imagine what he would have thought if I had waited even longer, until we met. I wish I had found this site prior to disclosing to him. I will keep the info sheet for future discussions, if any. While he's a smart guy, and I would *like* to trust him to do valid research, the fact is I don't really know what he knows, and I only wrote about a paragraph in my initial email to him. It kills me to think he might have used Google images and stopped at that. But I have to remind myself, that if he was unwilling to even talk about it after that, and if he lept to such hurtful accusations, that's on him and that indicates a problem in his thinking and/or character. I really thought he liked me. If you're saying trust my instincts, but also that he just wanted to get "into me", those two perspectives aren't compatible. My instincts still say he WAS into me and that's one reason he freaked out. he referred to feeling "emotionally connected" to me in the kiss-off email. I read it as he was starting to trust me (and I him) and my telling him this felt like a violation of that trust, to him. I still kept hoping maybe he would calm down, reconsider, remember all the good things from our interactions, and talk to me civilly, but he hasn't contacted me and I haven't contacted him again. So I guess that's it. I've gone from being hurt but still liking him and feeling compassion for whatever issues caused him to react this way, to being angry. It would have hurt to be "deal broken", but this crap where he accuses me of "doing something to him" rather than appreciating my honesty and courage, and having any compassion for me and what I have to go through, really bugs me. Thanks everyone for allowing me to vent!

I met someone online several weeks ago whom I had really come to like and care about. He lives almost 6 hours away so we hadn't met in person yet. We exchanged emails and had one looong phone conversation. I never know exactly when to disclose, but in this case I decided to do it because the discussion just naturally seemed to come around to it, I had let him know another very personal aspect of myself and he dealt with it well. I was relieved, so I decided to trust him to hear about my HSV status as well. I could not even believe the response. He went from being this compassionate, calm man to treating me like I had somehow wronged him. He didn't respond at all the night I emailed him, which was unusual. I heard from him the next afternoon, and his initial email was very terse. This is it in its entirety: "I knew about herpes, and did further research today. I am sorry, but it is a 'dealbreaker' for me. I can't go there. Truly sorry." I was devastated. I left him a voicemail, sent an email, and another email the next day, asking him to at least have a conversation with me about it. He finally responded to my second email like this: "[my name], I don't want any of this crap about 'friendship'. I feel what you did to me was not ethical, not a friend. To hide the herpes from me for so long, until I was feeling emotionally connected to you was wrong. I don't want herpes. I don't want to be set up by a woman. I don't want to talk to you any more. Goodbye." I cannot even convey in words how devastated I am. I felt we were compatible, I wanted to meet him, and I had come to trust him. I could not believe this was his reaction. I couldn't believe he was telling me I waited too long to tell. I had been thinking if anything I didn't wait long enough. I was really into him but was having trouble determining if he was equally into me. On the one hand, we emailed every day and some of his reactions to things seemed to imply this. On the other hand, he had kept his profile up and was still actively looking. Although his reaction stank, I don't think he is a horrible person. I had already gathered that he probably had some issues with trusting, and therefore it sort of made sense, in a sad way, that he would assume I was someone he couldn't trust rather than that I am still the person he felt emotionally connected to. I so much wanted him to listen to me, look at things from my perspective. I thought he would, because he had done so in the past. He was mellow in our loong phone conversation and in our emails, not pushy, accepting, compassionate, etc. I am really not interested in what I think is the usual reaction on the part of many people, to just say he's a jerk and move on. I feel like that would be doing exactly the same thing to him as he did to me--he basically ignored me as a full person and focused in on one thing he didn't like, which he interpreted in the worst light. I don't want to do that to anyone. He is a full human being with good and bad qualities and I won't see him belittled, or do it myself. What I really want is to know three things: 1. Has anyone dealt with such a negative reaction on the part of someone they really cared for and had begun to trust? If so, how did you cope? 2. Are there any tips you can relate for how to avoid this kind of reaction in the future? I am already thinking I should have waited and had this conversation on the phone, maybe it would have increased the probability of him seeing me as a full human being instead of someone who had H, or an enemy. 3. Do you think it is at all possible, or have you had situations personally, where after someone calms down from this initial reaction you have been able to be friends? Thanks!