So, I´ve been going out on dates with a very nice gentleman, he is 41, and I´m 27. Despite the age difference, we have been able to connect in a very profound way.
We enjoy the same topics, food, music and we have really long and entertaining conversations every time we see each other. He treats me with so much respect and is always very attentive and sweet. So, I´m really considering about finally opening up to him and take it from there!
My background, I received the gift of Herpes from my ex-husband. In 2005 we married, had a beautiful child in 2007 and Divorced shortly after….. we didn´t see each other for over 4 years, we both had relationships that didn´t work out, he had another child with someone else and separated and I had a miscarriage from my partner at the time and broke up. So at some point we started talking to each other and decided to give ourselves another chance, for our daughter and because we had feelings for each other.
So in 2011, we got back together, I committed to a monogamous relationship but he didn´t… one day he said he had a “cut” on his penis that hurt a lot, and asked me if I had given him something, I had never had anything like that before and I had no cuts, rash or anything, and he mentioned he had little cuts like that before we were together but none as painful as that one… so he tought maybe I had a vaginal infection and had passed it to him… anyhow, I really didn´t think much of it and let it go…. Long story short, one day we got into a fight, he pushed me at a parking lot while I was trying to get the keys away from him because he was too drunk to drive and we had to get home to our daughter, I ended up twisting my ankle and police came to try to calm him down but he got away in a friend´s car that happened to be there at the time… so I drove myself home, cried of out of relief to be home with my baby, and with disappointment after realizing that again, I couldn’t make it work. This was the first time ever that he turned violent toward me… and sure enough, my immune system got weak and few days later, there it was… that burning, unbearable pain to pee and almost walk… started feeling pain in my groin area, had flu like symptoms, pain in my lower back…. So, I went to a clinic, where they only test for do the HIV, Syphilis and Gonorrhea and was advised to go to another Dr. and explain my symptoms, and of course, as soon as the Dr. looked at it said “IT IS HERPES”, I still had to take the blood test and received the call few days after letting me know it was positive for Herpes and that I would be reported into a government database.
So I confronted him, I told him that I finally knew what his cuts where, he said.. “oh well, I didn´t know” I suggested he got checked too (I was very hurt and mad at the time, so out of despite, I wanted him to be reported too) but he refused. And that was the end of it, I packed my stuff, once again, took my precious child with me and departed. It took me many, many night of fears, tears and shame to finally accept it. My mom and sister knew about it right away, both have been very supportive. My mother agrees that this is something I should share with every partner, my sister thinks is little secret I should keep to myself… I understand she is coming from a point where she doesn´t want her baby sister to be rejected.
However, I´ve decided to live free and share it with whoever wants to be with me. I didn´t get a chance to make that choice for me (I´m sure I would´ve still be with my ex – I truly wanted to make it work) so here I am… I´ve been single since then, and never had to disclose to anyone besides my mom and sister… and whatever the outcome is, I’m sure it will only be for the better.
I´ve been reading lot of successful stories here, and I´ve come up with this practice dialogue… not sure if I would be telling him tonight (this is our third date) but I want to be prepared… I might want to wait a lil bit, just to make sure I truly see the potential of becoming intimate with him.
But I would really like to know what your opinion is, I´ve come to peace with my condition and I’m grateful for it, since it has made me stronger and aware of many things. I also thank all of you for your support and advice. You guys have given me the strength to come out of the H-Closet! And I’m loving it!!!!
So, here it goes, this is what I drafted for my disclosure:
I want you to know that I feel very comfortable and connected with you, and it is important to me that you get to know me better, I trust you and respect you a lot, so I am drawn to tell you something before we continue with wherever this might be. I have a skin condition that flares up every once in a while, I’m on a daily suppressive therapy and even though there is only a 1% chance in a lifetime that you could get it from me, it is in my best interest and yours that you are aware of it because I really care about you and I see the potential of having a deeper connection between us. And the reason why I’m sharing this with you, is because the virus that causes this conditions is the same that responsible for cold sores and Herpes.
I´ve had it for almost 3 years, so I´ve become educated in the topic and I have learned to manage and control it, and I want you to know that I will always do everything in my power to protect you if we decide to get intimate. So, I just wanted to let you know since is very important to me that we base this friendship or relationship with honesty and openness..
It is actually a very common virus, but not everyone is aware that they carry it, statistics are that 1 in 6 Americans have it. I want you to feel free to research, and understand it before we take things to the next level.
Soo.. what do you guys think? also... is the third date too soon to disclose? I just don´t want him to feel like invested to much emotionally in me... I guess we all take time to get to know each other, and hopefully he will see it as an investment to, not a waste.
Thank you all for reading :D