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Unlucky11

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  1. Thank you for everyone who has contributed to the post. One of the main reasons I wanted to post about not disclosing was in fact the situation I am in. I can not move. At least not currently and maybe not ever. I took over the family business and it is a huge asset that I will not be able to cash in or sell. I have to provide for my family by being in this small town and I am kind of stuck here for the time being. I am 35 going to be 36 soon and have never settled down. A couple of posts, there was a lot of people who reached out to me on messages to tell me that they really liked a thread on this website about non-disclosure. It allowed them to see someone and talk to someone who was in a situation that had issues or real problems with disclosure. That is what a lot of people go through. And without me telling people you have to disclose you have to disclose.... because I have had private message feedback of people very similar to me that do not want to disclose for various reasons. The judgement on this website about non-disclosure is some of the similar backlash that people face in their immediate circles, and some like in my situation entire communities. It may not be the entire town like mine, but it could be the work community that they have, the social circle that they have, or a subsection of the larger community they live in. All of us are trying to cope with our situation of having Herpes. Some like to abbreviate the term just so it doesnt sound so bad. I have H. What H does to me. Those type of things I see on threads all the time. During my hiatus from actually talking or commenting on this topic a couple of things have happened. I have dated 4 women since then. All of them are not ok with dating people with Herpes. Now I still did not disclose but found this out through various interactions with them and people. One of the girls disclosed that her best friend and a person I have been friends with for a long time had herpes to me. Just randomly outted her secret without a care in the world of what she was doing. I realized she was trying to hurt the person and haven't talked to her since. I was sexually active with her with protection for a long time before that. Had I disclosed my secret is out and again I am not dating anyone of the next 3 women that I came into contact with. Each one would talk about Herpes as disgusting and people that get it were nasty. They would volunteer people in the community that were single and dating, that just happened to have it. I can also tell you that I dated a girl who made it a point to say how fucking disgusting the bartender was at the bar we were going to who had Herpes and gave it to someone who made the unfortunate error of telling his two friends. Who then spread it all across the town that she had it. I heard it through five different people after the initial conversation of her telling me. My thoughts are be mindful of what you say on this forum as well. People's situation are different and they may not live the same type of life you do. Non-disclosure does not hurt if you use protection. Sex is in general a risk, you take it because people may not even know they have a disease. You still have sex. That is inherent risk in the act itself anymore. What we can is talk about our shared experiences. I talk about how I live my life without disclosing and the challenges I face because of it.... Its not a care free I am awesome I love living with this and not being able to tell people deal. It is how I am managing my life, my disease and my situation. I never have outbreaks and the only time I am reminded that I have it is when I think I have to tell someone I carry the virus. That doesnt mean my situation is exactly like the people that comment on this but I offer prospective and discussion so others may benefit. That is all I am doing. I appreciate people telling me stories of relationships were they were in for long periods and disclosed later and it worked out. That may not be the case in my life or in other situations...... but again I am sure there are stories were it didnt work out when people came forward with the disease.
  2. For me I guess the town is the big reason. It is the allowing one person to know. Multiple people will then know and no one will guard that. It will spread throughout the area. The reason I know is because people in this area have disclosed. And then it becomes known. Even if it is a rumor than before you start dating they ask you about it. With both of your points I would like to refer to you to experience's I've watched. At a bar a man is talking to a woman. Now I know the woman but the guy was an out of towner and they were on probably one of their first dates. While she gets up to go bathroom, a person and I can not be certain if he knew the guy or not walks up and tells him "You know she has herpes don't you. You don't have to believe me just ask her." The guy does and she starts crying he walks out. Now you can say this is her not disclosing but I looked at it as she did not get to pick the place or time or moment she got to relay the information. I have watched it happen three or four times just like that. People walk up to other people they know and say "Hey man shes got something, or that person has Herpes." While they are just trying to engage people in the normal awkwardness that comes with trying to find a person at a bar that has mutual attraction. Dancing, kissing, that type of thing. Now both of you presumably live in areas different than mine. But imagine going into the grocery store, church, public events, and people enjoy telling other people about your herpes? That is what they do in this area. And it is not everyone but it's enough people that enjoy the small town gossip where they feel they are there own personal TMZ. You lose the ability to deal with this on your own terms FOREVER, with one person knowing. Move out of that town. I hear that a lot from people. I can not. I have a family run operation that I came back too after my brother developed addiction issues and could not handle it. I lived in a big city and it is a lot easier to blend in there than it is here with disclosing or coming clean. I do appreciate both of your input, and your willingness to help me with my issues with your perspective. And no matter how we feel I enjoy airing out differences. I have gotten a lot of feedback from people that appreciate that they can read about non disclosure. Handling it in a private way. There are things in my life that brought me to this point. I am sure both of you dealt with the trauma of learning about your initial infection and/or depression from it? I am sure both of you have found a way that works best and are sharing that perspective with others. I am doing what is best for me in the current situation. Loneliness is a byproduct of what I am faced with in my situation. I am grateful that I have a place that I can air these worries, concerns, ideas out. And understand that you do not agree with my choices. However you may change the way I feel over time. Or you may not.
  3. Redfaith417.... Very passionate post. I disagree pretty strongly with comparison to rape. I don't think it is in the same context as that but that is my opinion. Moving isn't an option for me because I have developed my entire life here. I can not change that for the time being. In the future maybe the opportunity will present itself to move but for right now it is not possible. I think it may benefit others to give them the advice to move to a larger city, more accepting, but I feel there is a segment of the population just like me in small town America that can not move to Large cities. So in your situation it may work very well to disclose all of the time. I do not disagree with your stance but I think sex is an endeavor that requires risk as anyone on this forum knows. If I use a condom the percentage or chance of passing it to the partner is what.... below 4%. If you are on anti-virals and condom it is less than 1%. I may know the odds better than my partners or potential partner because of my situation, but it is still my situation. You engage in risk anytime you have sex. To shout down any type of opinion besides disclosure I believe is wrong. Or condemning them to that degree does allow for the open discourse of a topic. Then you just turn away from the forum all together and become someone who doesn't engage with other people who have Herpes for help with how they decide to cope with their situations in life.
  4. I understand the living with Herpes. I think @My Dog is Hungry raises a good point. However I think being able to deny that you have it is how some people have to cope. I have had maybe 2 outbreaks in four years. The mental side of the disease is far worse than anything I deal with physically. It works best when I do not think or act like I am any different than anyone else. The town I live in would alter their entire perception of me based on that information. Unfortunately I can not move. For many people on here they have felt the other side of non disclosure similar to what 100918 was saying. I wouldn't be with my husband if I had known that he lied about disclosure. My issue is the type of people that are on this forum are mainly individuals who have been lied to. Who received the disease from people who did not disclose. It indeed was hurtful and traumatic and that is why they looked for a forum such as this to figure out all the ins and outs, as well as to deal with the hurt. I think the people who deny it don't seek this kind of informed discussion or look for ways to deal with this in appropriate fashion. I am interested in myself right now. Doing what is best for me. That might not be the best way to get into a relationship but it is also the only way I think I can. I am being selfish, and I understand this. I am open about that here. I don't think a lot of people on the forum would respond the same, because I think a lot of people are looking to be open about their disease instead of having to hide it. I don't know if people on here will be as honest about hiding the disease from relationship partners or people in general because responses are so critical to the individual themselves for their decision not to disclose.
  5. Winging it. I appreciate the reply. As well as anyone else who will care to share. I enjoy people taking the timne to help me with it. The unfortunate part is there are only maybe 100 available women my age to date in about an hour and half vicinity. You can take that down to about 35 of people that you may actually connect to. Those women usually have been married and are just now divorced or separated from the partner they have had for a very long time. Most of them have been married since high school or right after, and have kids. There wasn't a lot of options before herpes, so when you put that on the table it really really destroys the options you have of available partners. 4 people know besides me. My family and one girl who I met in St. Louis who had it and I disclosed to her. Other then that, I do not take medication and honestly I do not have outbreaks. Very rare, I know I might be the unusual one that does. I have pictured lieing my ass off. I have put myself in my shoes from when it happened to me. I have been single and not in a long term relationship for the last 4 years because of it. I cant keep living like that. I may never have kids or marriage but I cant even not give myself a shot. I have been the honest one in relationships if I thought they wouldnt accept me based on just preliminary talks about STDs I would find a way to end it. I am going to try it this way for awhile. Are their people on this forum who have done the non-disclosure route? I know every thread says to disclose and I totally get the backing. Have their been people that have done this and maintained relationships or lied to their significant other or just to people in relationships in general? If we are a big believer in statistics surely someone other than me attempted this route. I appreciate the ongoing dialogue everyone thank you.
  6. I was diagnosed 4 years ago. I had my first outbreak due to stress last year, until then completely asymptomatic before that one. I recently was working my new job managing my family's farm. I had a genital break out that was extremely painful two weeks prior to going out in the field. I broke out on my right wrist with blisters and my left arm. My left arm also had a rash develop. That actually was poison Ivy. I had what I thought were a few bumps on my eye that were developing but again it was poison ivy. I was thinking my immune system kicked into over drive fighting some of the poison oak and Ivy that I encountered and the stress and I broke out in various spots. I also thought I had a breakout in my thigh. Googling that just makes you think you have immunocompromised disorder though. I also had herpes (whitlow) fingers and such for longer than I ever had genital herpes I believe I got that from wrestling in High school. That had been small things that popped up never knew what it was before research. So to answer my virus content was high and an opportunistic setting also allowed for Herpes to develop in places that it had never developed on my body before.
  7. Jenn88 : I do not feel like I have a choice. In this town people reject you before you even start out. I get that sleeping with someone without disclosing without a condom is wrong. I want to take precautions. Not disclosing is something that will be really hard for me, at the same time I can not disclose after listening to what the people in my town say about the people who do. Loneliness is a silent killer. If you look at the book Ben Sasse just wrote he quotes studies about how loneliness can be as unhealthy as smoking for a person. I am in a horrible spot because of failure of an individual to disclose. However I never would have dated that individual given them a chance had I known. MarieH: I am sorry that you are having your first outbreak. I know that is a difficult if not traumatic experience. It can be very painful physically and the emotional pain is worse. Would you have ever been with that person sexually had they disclosed the fact that have Herpes and that there was a good chance you would contract it if you were with them?
  8. I came back to this forum from four years prior. I said I would not disclose to individuals and I have not. The basis was this, in my small town there are no secrets. You tell one person your secret you tell everyone. It becomes known and then spread through out. Right now the town has 6900 people living in it. Within about an hour there is a maybe of a total of 100 potential dating partners in my age group. (Mid 30s.) I have no kids. Never been married. However I have lived in this area long enough that I know most of the people who have STDs. And a lot of that information has actually turned out to be accurate. Rumors spread but a lot of that is because of disclosures that get out. People in our town try to make it out to be no big deal just like this forum suggests. However it gets out and fast after a disclosure. It is a small town, simple minded and not accepting of the disease even more so then the general population. I have sat through talks that I have heard about them saying to stay the hell the way from this girl or that girl. The girls say the same thing about what Men they hear have something and to not get involved with them. I can not move because my business is here. I was given this because I dated a 22 year old who I wasnt aware of her history or where she moved from when I was 31. Now four years later I am back looking to settle down. I can not disclose because it would end all possibilities I have. I do not have sex with the individual I date, and that has been bad. I am not looking for permission for non disclosure I am looking for any type of success stories that you have had with starting sexual relationships with being careful with Condoms and Suppressants. I may never be able to disclose but I havent had a serious relationship in four years now and its getting late in the game. I was lied to believed the lie. She wasn't concerned about my health and I am actually concerned about the other individual. Wanted to get some thoughts on it.
  9. I am writing on here because I was in your shoes less then three months ago. I have not commented on this blog since I wrote a similar post for help. I thought exactly as you do. And a very similar thing happened. The girl who gave it to me, who I thought I would marry, had lied about having it all along. I live in a small town and the fear of someone finding out is very real and could have adverse effects on my entire life. I told my best friend, my brother, and my mother. Other than the woman who gave it to me no one else knows. I have no symptoms of Herpes. Yet I carry that mindset with me constantly. That I am not good enough for another and that no one could want me after catching it . The only thing that keeps me from getting down is the encouragement from those three people that I told and the help of a counselor. Life is hard. You may think this is awful and no one will love you. Well the only way you will make it through is by getting help. I went to counseling. Your friends though will probably be supportive, have no training in this type of thing. It really does help to talk it out. You have to express what you are feeling to someone face to face. Talking on here and venting helped me out tremendously. I have decided against some of the more experienced members on this forum to keep the fact I have it from people. I do what is best for my situation. I do not live in a very liberal understanding part of America. I live in a small town Bible belt community, who wouldn't understand and are very uneducated about Herpes. You have to do what is best for you. I would say that you do need to talk to someone. I did and it made a world of difference. The fact that no one will love you is BS. Just think about all the other members on this forum that are struggling with it just like you are. We are all looking for love from someone, and obviously none of us would care if you have Herpes. I am three months in, after finding out. I feel a lot better about it, but only because I have started talking to a professional to help me work through it. You may not need it but I hope you at least post on here like I did and work through the initial trauma.
  10. Unhappy I am not for sure that it was her 100% but she had the medication for Herpes in her medicine drawer from several months prior to us dating. Found that and decided to get tested. I was starting to come to grips with the disclosing and that I would have to eventually do it in a new relationship. Than I watched the About last night with Kevin Hart. In the movie he is trying to hit on several women and his ex walks up and scares them off. He asks her what she said to them , her reply was that he gave her herpes. He screams out I Dont have "fucking herpes " everybody in the film stops and looks at him. There is a bunch of laughing were I was watching it. It's just awful feeling. Watching the jokes, hearing them, knowing that you would be shunned if people knew. In a small town you cant disclose. Its just that simple. You go from a person that has to the butt of the town jokes. People that actually know you making fun of you. Not some random movie making you seem like an outcast. I am actually wondering if anybody forgave the person who gave it to them for not saying anything? Did you still stay together? Or did you lie when you were found out?
  11. Thank you CR, LiveWell, and dancer again for your responses. They truly are helping me and right now I need people to talk to who are experienced with everything related to this. I am treating this like group therapy. Dancer I do not mind what or how you say things. Its all dialogue. Which is extremely helpful. I do not agree with everything you say or do but this is basically charity work on your part. You take time out of your day to help people who need help for free. This is basically like an ethics class. In Grad school they taught business ethics. They brought out examples of Enron, Bernie Madoff, and several other prominent examples of what not to do. They said when you are in this situation, how would you act? Of course everyone took the noble road and said they wouldn't do the unethical thing in that situation. The problem, it wasn't real money, or real consequences. I am probably not going to disclose this to a girl at the bar that I don't know to take home for a one night stand. That stance may change in the future but for right now that is how I am going to proceed. I had a chance to hook up with a girl for Mardi Gras in St. Louis this Saturday from college. I couldn't even bring myself to go because I didn't want to put myself in that situation of having to say something or do something without disclosing. CR-19 is the person that you get butterflies with the one that gave you Herpes? I wasn't entirely clear on the ending of your post. Livewell, "With all the talk of a small town, I mean, are you going to stay there your whole life? Probably not. So for now, like you said, you need to focus on you. That doesn't mean go out and have one night stands.. " I actually operate a business out of land that I own in the area. So yes unfortunately I will be tied to that area my entire life. I have confided in the girl with who I was currently dating, my best friend, my brother, and my mother. My brother gave me the idea of a lie by omission in not exposing. My best friend said you can't let this get out to anyone. My mother was disgusted and during a heart to heart said its possible to find someone but she would never have dated anyone who disclosed Herpes. These were all honest assessments from people who are closet to me. I don't want to write a novel about each discussion but that was what I got. Sp it does help to get the perspectives from here This girl that I was seeing basically has denied having it. However I believe she does. Just acted completely oblivious to it all and Ive caught her lieing through out. If she opens up first date or before we get intimate I would have left. I would have thought no one was worth getting something that stays with you for life. So she didn't probably let me catch and then acted like it was ok. I cant say that I agree with her not disclosing but I am coming to understand why she didn't. I only feel comfortable sleeping with her now. I believe like you that Honesty and Trust are the cornerstone for any lasting and worthwhile relationship. I don't know if I can be like her and have sex without disclosing or worrying about the other person catching it. I haven't been put to the actual test with anyone else yet. It is just like business school, I won't know what I am going to do until I am put in that situation.
  12. Thank you again for your response. I appreciate you taking the time to try and help me through this. Especially since you are the only who responded or decided to give input or any dialogue to help me work through this so far. I made an appointment for a therapist next week to try and deal with some of these issues. I think you are right, I am mad and bitter. I don’t want this to completely alter my life. I don’t want it to change me and become an awful person by going around and giving this to people . I want to keep living it the way I was. Had I known how I would have reacted after getting tested I never probably would have done it. However I am not going to be an outcast. That was a large part of what I have seen from people who have HSV 2. You highlighted a lot of my asshole statements. And yes I can realize it seems like I am being that. But what I am concerned about is the guy from College who never got laid and or a date with being honest for four years. The women in my town that are shunned and no one approaches because they are outted with herpes. The culture in my area may not be one of intelligence, but it doesn’t lend itself to becoming educated and accepting either. I will have to hide it, or be an outcast just like what I have witnessed. Its one thing to say I have told my partners and they have accepted me (being from whatever area you are from), its another to be in a small town with only a few single individuals left that are of similar age as I am. I knowingly am going to be taking a risk having sex with others, protected of course. If someone told me they had HPV before we have sex I am not going to have sex with them. Simple. I have seen a lot of talk about percentages on here. 10 % chance of infecting someone, 80% asymptomatic, 16% of all people have HSV 2. No one ever goes into the percentage of ppl who will flat out reject you if you come forward. I’d take an estimate it is in the 85% to. Why not claim ignorance to the person in the relationship? Isnt that better than never being able to have a relationship. Constantly getting rejected or being alone? Or worse having to settle for someone who isn’t really what you want because they are so desperate that they will take the person with herpes? Again I appreciate you allowing me to bounce this back off you. I hope others get involved because it is great to get some feedback instead of just having all these thoughts in my head.
  13. I understand your point on disclosing. Unfortunately I also know several people who had Herpes. The first guy I was in college with. It got out that he had it and no one dated him for the four and half years while he was there. No one. He wasn’t bad looking or a bad guy. In fact he was smart, funny and a pretty good person. The individual could not get a date throughout college. The town I moved to, once it gets out that the person has it they basically have to go completely out of town to get someone. Even then they don’t bring around the individual. I am new to this. And I am glad that someone who has a lot of experience on this forum responded so fast. I have not yet gotten a chance to read my inbox message from the forum administrator with all of the posts that would answer my various questions. Right now this was life altering. I have never been so depressed in my life. I think the only way for me personally to deal with it is not disclosing. What good is it going to do me ? Yes it benefits the other person, so they don’t have to take a guaranteed risk of having sex with me. But I found out even with a condom all sex is risky. If I can get laid why tell the person on a one night stand? That is ridiculous. I have lived a life where I have looked out for other people, been kind, worked in charities, and churches. To me right now I need to just look out for my own self interest. I joined this place for help and working through it. And I plan to be active in posting as long as I am getting help. I realize your argument because I made it to the girl I am with now. How could you do this to me? Why did you do this to me? You’re a horrible person how could you not say something? And I have the answers to that. You see they were looking out for themselves. I need to start doing that too. In order for me to deal with it right now I have to act like I don’t have it. That might change with an outbreak, or with infecting someone else. But right now my soul is crushed. I have to fix me.
  14. I was just recently diagnosed with HSV 1 and HSV 2 through a blood test. I have shown no sign or symptoms of having the virus yet. So I had some questions I was hoping to get cleared up. 1) I was looking at some of the posts on here on how to deal with this, and I came across the last one that talked about the initial pain of the first outbreak. This lady said she can hardly walk or go to the bathroom. Some of the follow up posts by people who have posted regularly on here were not helpful to read. They were joking about how physically painful there herpes outbreaks were as well. I am hoping that some of you who were diagnosed before you had outbreaks maybe able to shed some light on how long before you break out if ever after you contract it. What is the pain going to be like going through disease? I get that the first outbreak is awful but what about subsequent ones. And what am I facing if I am one of the unlucky people who is not asymptomatic. 2) What is the likelihood that the test was wrong? I had a nondescript Herpes blood test taken. I live in a very poor rural town. They fumbled and fudged about the results saying my levels were higher than normal, and then when I asked the guy did I have this or not he put me on hold for 10 minutes and then came back and said that I did. I followed up with the Doctor in a different town because I did not even want my physician to know, and this guy says he can’t do anything for me unless I have an Outbreak. So if some of you could shed some light on that as well I would appreciate it. However it will take some convincing to get retested because… 3) I do not want the results to come back positive a second time. As I mentioned I live in a small rural town. This is not Chicago or St Louis where the dating scene is plentiful and you can go out and find someone new each night to ask out. The potential dating pool is almost non-existent already. I am going to not disclose that I have this to anyone. I feel better about a lie of omission than actually knowing for sure and having to deal with that. This is how I am going to handle it now, that might change in weeks or months. But the person who I believe I got it from lied to me because I never would have slept with them had I known. I wouldn’t sleep with anyone that disclosed it previously and neither would anyone that I know. 4) In fact not only did she not disclose that she had it but I think she is still lying about it. So I had some questions are frequent UTI’s a sign of Herpes. She said she had a zit on her under lip, she put alcohol on it for a long time to dry this out which I had never heard of so I was wondering if that was a typical I guess home remedy. And what type of skin creams would she have if she has this for outbreaks. I ask because she said she went and got tested and the mailed her almost like a postcard from the office saying blood work was normal. I don’t know I might be paranoid but she has been completely ok with it, and not worried about it in the least. To the point where my suspicions are up, it would take too long on here to explain. I know that all of you on here have been through different things on here. Thank you for replying to this and trying to help me in advance. I am going through a lot and this was the worst news I have had besides the loss of a family member in my life.
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