Amillionthings

@whitedaisies me too! :) ha x

Beautiful. I am truly happy for you x

Happy tears r good....and some times sad tears are too.....its just a physical sign youre able to let it all out. Well if it makes u feel better. I was in a shitty shitty place and your kind words lifted me up...theyve helped me to build some courage to deal with some shitty stiff and boosted me up. I dont think anything i say can help much....but i will say u arent on your own. Support is here :) x

And also...u have all this going on...and u still found time to support me on my thread. It means alot. Youre a good persin :) x

Aww white dasies. Can see u feel like shit. Im sorry youre having a tough time. Xx

@designdiva. I love this, where is it from? I felt like I was reading about myself. But i never looked at being this way as being smart. I guess it is really.

:) x

Thanks @whitedasies. I appreciate the time youve taken to write on this x

Anyone else I let in my life isnt like that. I choose my friends wisely :) X

Pleased for you :) x

I thought about H a few minutes after he said it. But blocked it out. I just wanted to enjoy that moment. Dancer I will read the article- thank you. The hurt is deep - my heart is broken. I am trying to come to terms with accepting it is what it is. Tonight I laid down the law with the person who has damaged me. I cannot suffer anymore of this upset- nothing will ever be the same. I have to put myself first from now on. I'm the only person who has my back all of the time. I wont let myself down, even if others do. x

@adropintheocean.....youre a good role model. Lovely to read your story x

@myfierce and @whitedaisies...thankyou so much for your words. I know dancer. Ive dealt with lots of those kinds of people. And I do what you do. Im soft but i can play the tough guy when i need to. I couldnt give two shits about those people....ive cut people off and out my life without a second glance bk. I wish it was so simple at home. There is more to it...and i dont want to post it on here. But it hurts more than any cold sore ever could or will. i did my nails and dyed my hair. I put on a little make up and decided i was going to have a good day im in a new place of work today- im at the end of my shift. And a guy comes to take over. He glanced down and said, confidentally and with a level of suprise... 'you're beautiful'. It wasnt a pissed up bar, it wasnt some seedy drunk guy trying to get with me or buy me a drink or even chat me up or get my number. It was just a normal guy who had never seen me before. It put a smile on my face. And i accepted the compliment....without feeling like fraud or disguisting. It made my morning :) A new friend msgd me yesterday and said they miss me, another text to say thankyou and that they love me, another to tell me that they are pleased we met and made friends. I know im likeable. I just am trying to deal with heartbreaking emotional abuse at the closet level of a family relationship. I am trying to grasp on to these good things as i try to deal with much harder things. i want you to know i try everyday xxf

I wish I could afford to go the weekend, unfortunately its not an option for me, I can imagine how great it is. I have so many good friends who care about me. I make new friends with ease and people live to be around me. I am caring and kind and know how to have fun. The people who have hurt me are family- if it wasnt I could cut them away. But I can't. Its a catch 22- i have to have contact as this person is so controlling; it also means if i cut them off i dont see my dad. And i love my dad. Its a very difficult situation. It is hard to stomach that it is my family who have treated me like this. I am so loving and caring it has hurt me beyond words, to my core. Im always an easy target. I feel that being nice doesnt get you very far- its a weakness others pounce on. Im always the friend...never the girlfriend. Im the single friend who never dates. Who isnt with anyone. I didnt look for love for the wrong person. I trusted someone and they abused it. Then it happens agaon, and again. Its a pattern. But to disclose, to find love, I have to trust. Can you see why it is such an issue. If i cant trust someone, i cant be vulnerable. I dont believe i wont get hurt again. Thankyou so much Dancer, you are a very kind hearted person. Xx

Maybe this above will help to explain why that statement doesnt seem 'mad' to me x

Because ive been told by people who 'love' me; that i need to change if a guy is going to like me. Ive been told that theres something wrong with me. Ive been picked on when im feeling great and brought down to the lowest feelings possible. And ive been dragged down when ive tried to pick myself up. I just don't know what have done to deserve this. I know deep down its not me with the problem...and im told this by people who care about me. But emotional abuse cuts like a knife. So does being used for sex, being raped, being given an incurable sti by a person who had it there, knowingly giving it to me. I then finally allow myself to let someone in, i disclose and its great. Im then back to being alone; im wondering when its all just going to work out? It must be me, if all these things happen. Or am i just unlucky? Am i just suppose to suck it up and accept it all? Life is full of bumps in the road for everyone; and there is always someone worse off. I try to think of this all the time. But only I walk in my shoes, i have to live with me. Its tough living in the shoes of someone you don't want to be and having people who its impossible to cut away from. Because that too, hurts. It a no win situation and its only me that suffers. All in all, i have lost faith in others. I dont trust men. I dont trust people who i should be able to trust. I hate that there are always hurdles to over come. I know its life...but i dont deserve all this. Its hard enough without H.....and H has just made it even worse. I have a permanent reminder; that I wasnt worth something, that its ok to abuse me. That im not worthy of loving and that its ok to do whatever you want to me. being alone and I have so much love to give another person. When will i be good enough? It hurts Dancer. x

Hi Dancer, Yes, you're right. I have had and I am having to deal with other things in my life. Im so hurt by others, I don't feel I can be repaired- the emotional abuse is too deep. I have so many great friends...and all I want is to be in a happy relationship. I feel so alone. No matter what I do. Im just weak- a person can only be strong for so long I feel so hurt and let down by other people. I have so much emotional baggage and with H in top- who will love me and take all that on. I believe you need to take risks, to just go for it in life- but i am frightened. I am too vulnerable. i appreciate your words everytime dancer. I hope you are well. And no, I dont think everyone else are all those things. Just me. I will read your article now. Xx

@rose2014...i get where you're coming from. Dont worry. I hate that part of my body now :(

I dont even think about it. I feel so unattractive. I wouldnt disclose to a fling...and I wouldnt want a pne night stand. So that leaves me sex less. Im too anxious and nervous and completely self concious to even think about approaching anyone like i used to. It took me 5 years to meet someone and disclose.

Hi Ive been away for a while on here. I check in every so often. But find sometimes it makes me feel better and other times worse. The moral judgement to always be upfront. I too think its the right thing to do- but i dont like to read about it...because im not strong enough to cope with a possible rejection. I got myself busy. So busy I never have time for myswlf. I've made new friends. Seen old friends. Been to new places. 6 years since the day I got herpes....in any spare second or minute I have; I think about it. I was an attractive, funny, outgoing and very confident 24 year old At 24 I got herpes I turned into a young woman who thanks to herpes suffered with severe depression, self-loathing, and wanted to die. I feel self loathing, disgust. And have looked in the mirror and felt true hate of myself. Since I was knowingly given herpes by another human being- i trust no-one. Why should I. No matter what I do I hear the herpes jokes, I feel the shame because I am reminded how completely unattractive, how repellant having a virus on your genitals is to other people. It also disgusts me. 6 years on and i still get outbreaks. Anti virals are nothing. Its still in my body- i will always be infectious. Its vile.I have to sit through girly chats with friends about guys....and I lie and pretend I am not interested. I lie all the time. It upsets me everytime. At my age all anyone talks about and wants to know is...why are you single?. I have to pretend all the time that I am happy on my own. I am not. I am miserable about it. I hate it. I feel like a freak. On top of this. I do not trust men. Part of me dislikes them. Despite some great male friends I have. I have no problem making friends. I am popular. My fear of disclosure, of the severe anxiety of anything to do with disclosing, meeting someone. Is too much to bare. I am so emotionally wounded that I dont believe I deserve to meet someone. They are meeting the damaged person I have become. Not the confident, attractive, sexy and worry free person I used to be. Herpes has ruined years of my life. Its like a disease in my brain. The first thing I think of when I wake up, the last thing before I try to sleep. I hate it. And when i feel im getting somewhere with it....theres a girly chat, a herpes comment, another day alone to remind me; Im not a normal fun loving 29 year old. I wish I could be me, the old me. I liked who I was, i enjoyed being me. For 6 years ....ive been coping, surviving, lying to cover over the pain.I take no pride in me. Im sick of being alone. I want to be the old me. Some damage is so deep- it cannot be un-done. depressing to read. But i like to be honest thanks

Yep I agree Sparke; Its how u feel about the person. If i had been disclosed to and given a choice...I wudnt have taken the risk...but I would have respected him so much and thought he was a great guy for doing so.

Hi everyone, So this is a bit different than a disclosure. However very nice to hear and encouraging... they are the thoughts and words of a male friend i know who has been disclosed to about H.....So this is what he said: "Listen, when I was told, it was a tiny bit of a shock, but I was relieved it wasnt something more serious! It really isnt a big deal. It doesnt make any difference in my relationship with my girlfriend. When you meet a guy.....when you get to know a guy he could end up being an idiot or a really nice guy, regardless of H....but any decent guy who has respect for you won't judge you or think any different if you when you tell him....not if he is a genuine respecting guy. He wont care when he respects you, likes you, cares about you. It wont be a big deal. Whether youve slept with lots of people or hardly any, it happens, it really isnt a big deal and it certainly isnt anything you should be thinking about or worrying about all the time. Its not worth all that worry or your time. ...its really not something I'll be worrying about if I get it." and finally he said... ".it is NOTHING to feel ashamed of! You shouldn't feel ashamed at all! Any person who rejects you for something as small as that is stupid!" "Trust me on this" Very liberating to have an open and honest conversation with a normal guy who understands and who has experienced being at the recieveing end of a disclosure, who accepted the person and whos in a relationship with this person. X

@okay. This guy is an absolute keeper! I need to find me one o' them! Great you're so happy.

You are welcome. Hope you're doin ok :) x

You're welcome :) x