mariii

thanks again guys, seriously. lively, you were the kick in the butt I needed. newone, we've been together since march...the fact that we work together made disclosing that much more intimidating, but there comes a point when you realize your own self worth (the kind you had before, just coming face to face with knowing who you are with or without a skin condition). that's when you're ready. justanotherone, we're all in this together. no matter how new or experienced you are with this, support and strength make all the difference. <3

so in my previous post, I gave myself the deadline of this past thursday to disclose. my boyfriend and I have "date days" on our mutual day off, so it seemed like the perfect time...we met up, went shopping, and decided to explore a side of the city we never really took the time to before. fast forward through a perfect fall day and a lovely dinner out. back at his place with a bottle of wine, I felt like my heart was about to beat it's way out of my chest. it took me a half hour to collect my thoughts, recite for the last time in my head what I needed and wanted him to know, and keep calm...and as soon as I blurted out "there's something important I need you to know about me, and I care about you deeply and want to be as open and honest in our relationship as possible in order to move forward. I have herpes"...I instantly started rambling off stats due to nerves before he could respond, and he quietly let me finish. his response? "........so. that's it?" just like that. he told me he couldn't imagine having something weighing on his chest for that long without going crazy, and he was proud and honored I had the courage to (finally) speak up. oh, and how silly I was to think a skin condition would scare him off. I couldn't help but cry. he couldn't help but smile and hug me. I can't even begin to describe how lucky I feel to have found this site, and this community. you have all given me the courage to do what's right, and the hope that there's a reason for everything that happens in our lives. here's to learning from the past, living in the present, and looking forward to the future with a positive perspective. thank you all so much.

you both have filled me with hope, and having to come to terms that I can't control an outcome of how another will react, so thank you. I will keep you all updated..

lively, adrial and lelani...I appreciate all of the support and words of encouragement, sincerely. I have really strong feelings for this one, and it will be my first disclosure with a partner. we work with each other, and have been dating exclusively since the end of march. I've read the ebook I feel like a million times, and I've done a years worth of browsing the internet on educating myself on hsv since being diagnosed. so why can't I find the words? I've run so many scenarios in my mind as to how to present myself, and how I'd begin the discussion...and then when the perfect moment presents itself I freeze. I've always been horrible at communicating my feelings, with or without a skin condition. isn't trusting someone always a 50/50, you jump I jump type deal? I trust him, but I'll never know how he'll react till I tell him, right? so whether or not I'm "ready" (I mean physically yes. we're both most likely implode any day now) I feel like I have to push myself to be so. another thing a close friend had said to me was "it's been since the end of march, so he's most likely run every scenario through his mind as to why you haven't had sex yet...and is still by your side. that's a good start". so I'll say it now. I'd like to disclose by this thursday. if any of you have personal tips, send a message my way. you're all the best.

I'm feeling a bit lost today. Is there anyone else who has dated someone for longer than six months and have yet to disclose herpes status? (We haven't had sex, but subtle hints of reaaaalllly wanting to have been dropped). I sort of just feel childish at this point of not having the balls to do it already...oh. and guilty. help?

so it's been slightly over a year since I found out I have HSV2, and it's taken me this long to join a site that supports and encourages open and honest discussion without scaring the everloving ish out of me (yeah, the sites that state cold hard facts as if you got what you deserved by having sex? you're doing it wrong). to make matters worse, the person I was dating when confronted with questions and concern when I found out ("have you ever been tested?" etc.) freaked. I'm talking nasty name calling, table flipping, choke-me-till-I-pass-out freaked...and within several weeks and without a word, fled the state. I consider myself a strong woman and I've been lucky to have never had a hand laid on me until then, but for one of the first times in my adult life, I felt broken. (conf)used, disgusted, ashamed, angry and alone. ("why me?" and "what did I do to deserve this?" reverberated in my mind for months, as selfish as that sounds). it wasn't until about three months in, I received an email apology (ah, internet...one of your more impersonal qualities). I was told he had known he had HSV2 the entire time, but was "too afraid" to tell me. it was at that exact moment I realized it's not what happens to us in life, but how we react and respond. I then understood what type of person I didn't want to be or become. fast forward through quitting my hectic job, telling my closest friends (even that was difficult), having waves of ups and downs (still human), and finding peace with last summer? I've come a damn close 180. it's been a very single (I needed personal time to reflect) year until about four and a half months ago. I'm currently seeing a coworker (aaaaas everyone slaps their forehead). (fact: when I'm nervous in writing, everything is placed in parentheses). he's wonderful, hasn't pressured me for sex, and has introduced me to his parents. SO WHY AM I PANICKING? I'm constantly reading the "how to's" and the "what to do and what not to do's", yet I'm at a complete loss of how to go about bringing this up (did I mention we work together?). I trust him, but I feel like I'm second guessing whether or not I trust myself that I'm okay with it (rejection, that is)...sound twisted? all in all, I care for him a lot and his safety is as important as mine. but if I'm not ready, is it being dishonest the longer I withhold this piece of information from him? I know I can't wait forever, but I think I need a bit of encouragement. and a glass of wine.