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Sechseck88

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  1. Hi, I haven't posted for a while since my first post way back when. First off, thanks for the kind and detailed supportive comments. I guess I've really tried to put the whole herpes thing out of my mind. I went through a period of being extremely busy with landing a job (~6 months' unemployment, in part due to a crushing bout of depression). Lately though, it has really, really been plaguing me again. I really don't know why. So, in some ways, my life has looked up. I relocated for a new job which is pretty killer -- a tenure-track faculty job. I like my job, I like my co-workers, I like my new location. On the down side, I don't have any friends or family here. Pretty much I'm building from scratch. I've been feeling lonely lately and it gets me to thinking about dating again, and then I just get depressed. What sucks even more is that I have a healthy sex drive. Unfortunately, I can't see getting into any one-night stand situation to relieve those urges, because I couldn't even see getting turned on. There has to be an emotional connection. Not to mention, after being raped, I just can't relax unless I feel very safe. What keeps killing me is what my ex did. Basically, he said he was okay with me having herpes (I did everything by the book -- told him when our clothes were on in a calm conversation, gave him plenty of time to think, etc. etc.), and then after a few months of passionate sex, became very suspicious (after we made love, immediately asking me if I had an outbreak -- as if I would have intercourse if I even thought anything was remotely off! Mind you I was on suppressive therapy, he also was taking valtrex and we were religious with condoms.) The thing is that my ex was better than so many guys I've encountered. Granted, sadly that is not saying much. He has a job, direction in life, doesn't cheat on, rape or beat women. (Thankfully I have not been beaten but I have either observed or experienced men who have no direction, who cheat etc.) My fear is that any decent man will feel the same way and ultimately do a switcheroo on me. (Hey those of you who have been rejected prior to intimacy -- that sucks, but let me tell you, better that than have somebody you think accepts you suddenly turn on you!) Anyway, I'm really tired and this all is starting to probably not make sense, but yeah, I feel like crap. I feel like I need to make myself as perfect as possible to compensate for herpes, and that probably even that won't be enough. (Right now I feel fat and gross so yeah, got some work to do on the ol' body.) Sometimes I have wondered if life is worth living if I am just doomed to be a pariah because some f***er raped me. Sometimes I wonder if it is better to live just as if I did not know. I wish I did not want love or companionship or sex. If anybody has any tips on how to turn those desires off (especially for sex) I'd appreciate it. I don't want to waste energy wanting things that either I won't be able to have for at least ~1.5 years (need to publish papers, establish platonic social network, strengthen myself). Heck, in truth, I don't think I will ever have a relationship again. After my ex, I'm just terrified. I can't face having somebody turn on me again. Thanks for listening, folks. P.S. I have been thinking of writing a letter to my ex expressing how much his behavior hurt me, and how it still affects me to this day. Thoughts on that?
  2. Hi there. I'm sure this sort of topic has been discussed on this forum, but I guess I need to vent. (Mods: if you want to put this in "my story" feel free. I'm not sure where to put it.) This is a long post, by the way. Where do I start? Ok, well, I'm in my upper 30s now. Oh, and female. I was in a long-term monogamous relationship through my 20s to my early 30s. I lost my virginity to that man, and I had dated casually before, so I came out of that relationship being highly inexperienced for a woman in her 30s. I started dating again, met a guy and fell head over heels in love. This guy ends up, after a year and a half, dumping me over the PHONE without any warning, and I find out later he was cheating. I was so severely depressed I became suicidal and had to seek professional help. Now, to this point, I had insisted upon testing before any intimate contact. After Mr. Cheater, I had waited for an appropriate window period (a year) and gotten tested with a full panel, including HSV-1 and HSV-2, so I was clear. I still was hurting though. I cried a lot. I then moved for a job to a new city, and I didn't know anyone. I had gained weight as well during my relationship with Mr. Cheater and hadn't shed it. I felt so unattractive. I felt worthless. I met a man on a guided tour of an art museum. He asked me out afterwards. I was thrilled a man would pay any attention to me, because I felt so ugly and unlovable. I wasn't physically attracted to him, but was generally horny, hungry for touch, so on our first date we made out and fooled around, but no oral sex or intercourse. Second date, I cook him dinner at my place. Call me stupid, but I didn't think that by cooking a guy dinner, this was equivalent to saying, hey, I'm guaranteeing you sex. It so happens I consider cooking an enjoyable hobby and I like to do this for any of my friends. I know when I've been on dates in my early 20s, as well as even in my single period post-LTR, men cooked me dinner at their homes, and we didn't even kiss. There was no contract saying "cook dinner" = "sex." My two prior boyfriends (that was it) had never made assumptions with me before -- when we made love for the first time, it was with clear consent on my part. Well, you can see where this is going. This guy brought wine. Now, I thought I drank a normal amount that wouldn't generally hit me hard (maybe 2 large glasses?) but this time I got really inebriated. We start kissing, then it seemed in an instant we were in bed and he was taking my clothes off. He wanted sex. I was dizzy. I felt like I couldn't stop him. He didn't ask me if I wanted it. Then he was on top of me (he's a lot bigger, maybe 6'2" and I'm about 5'1") and then he is pushing into me, with no condom. I just froze. It hurt. He finished and I didn't even know what to say. I asked him about his testing status and he said he was clean. (Pregnancy wasn't much of an issue as I was still on the pill (taking it religiously) and he later claimed he had a vasectomy.) Anyhow, I felt really weird about the situation, and somehow wanted to make it normal, so what do I do? I went out on a few more dates. I know it was stupid now, but I didn't know how to handle the situation. I asked about condoms, and he insisted he couldn't function with them. One night, I saw a bump at the base of his penis and I asked him about it. He aggressively dismissed me. Then I broke out, but it actually looked to the clinic like a staph infection. Big pimple things. I was scared. He thought later that *I* had given him something, but I had been honest about my damn test results (which included HSV-1 and HSV-2 screenings). I gave him nothing! This guy reveals a few extra things to me at this point. First, he hadn't been tested for 15 years. I guess it was dumb of me, but in prior instances, if my boyfriend hadn't been tested recently, he disclosed that and got tested. I hadn't met a guy who said "I definitely know I don't have anything" who really DIDN'T know. He was significantly older and I guess in the 70s they didn't worry about this stuff...Anyway, said guy, who told me he was divorced, reveals as well that he is actually not divorced. He said he was separated and in the middle of divorce proceedings. On two levels, I felt this guy had really betrayed my trust, so I dumped him. I had no symptoms, but six months later when I went for my yearly female exam, I got the full STD screening, and, lo and behold, positive for HSV-2. I've gone to counseling to handle what happened with this guy because the whole situation felt bad. The therapist told me that what I went through was a classic case of date rape, and that it wasn't unusual that I tried to normalize the situation by going out on more dates. I still hate myself though. I feel like I shouldn't have trusted. Up to that point, I was careful. I should have said no and forced him to get tested and show me the damn paperwork. I should have run away from the moment he insisted no condoms. No matter what, my body is my responsibility and I shouldn't have assumed that somebody was going to be responsible with it, ESPECIALLY not with a guy who did what he did on our second date. It is my fault. Later, I did have an HSV-negative boyfriend. With him, I disclosed everything in the proper way (you know, before any sex was happening, fully clothed on his couch, gave information about how I had started taking famcyclovir in case things did get intimate, using condoms etc., telling him to take his time to think about it). That man did sleep with me for a few months (quite enthusiastically I might add), but then a few months into the relationship got extremely paranoid, to the point he would say "you don't have an outbreak right now, right?" (I told him from the beginning that I cared very much about him and that if I had the slightest hint something was off, even if I thought it was an ingrown hair, I wouldn't have intercourse...Yet he was freaked out). Mind you, as an additional step, HE was taking Valtrex as a chemical prophylactic (not proven that works, but it probably doesn't hurt). I remember he said one time after we had made love "well, I gotta wash off now. I don't want to catch what you have." He wouldn't perform oral sex on me even though I would use two dental dams and we were both on antiviral therapy and plus it is HSV-2 which isn't easily transmitted to the mouth area. I confronted him about his issues (he has really odd issues about medicine and health in general), and told him that if he was that uncomfortable, I would have to end things. For whatever reason, he relented. Recently, I ended things with him for other reasons, but we were together for nearly a year. My recently-ended relationship with an HSV-negative person kind of makes me hate myself too. It hurt badly to have him accept me, then "turn" on me -- more than if he had just rejected me from the get go. I am not going to date for a while. I don't want to lie to any man, but I also don't want to be punished for being honest and considerate. The bottom line is that I really feel this is all my fault, and that's why I hate myself sometimes. Thank you all for letting me vent. Cheers, Sechseck
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