beautifullybroken

It`s a phone app!

I think snapchatting with other swans would be a fun idea :) Haha! Any takers!? My names Alyson, I'm 23 and ready to reach out and make some new friends who understand how I'm feeling.

I agree, you're both wonderful and amazing to hear from.. you really are making a huge impact on my life right now. @JustASkinCondition you really just brought tears to my eyes with how beautifully written you put that.. it meant the world to me that a total stranger took the time to take my feelings into consideration... I know the underlying issue is just my anxiety. I've had a lot of people in this town heckling me about my condition, bullies. Just trying to get a reaction out of me, I've remained strong on the outside.. they may not see how much it's truly broken me down in the past, but bullying is never an easy thing to overcome. I've had it happen a few times, and that's just part of rejection too. It just doesnt take much sometimes when I get worked up for me to go over the top.. and overreact to things that I take the wrong way. All because of cruel uneducated people ( Probably some of which have something themselves and they deal with it by making fun of me ) I just really hope I can raise some awareness, helping people is my passion and when I went over to my friends tonight It really scared/saddened me. My friends boyfriend of 4 months now, just told her after all this time of unprotected sex that he has HPV ( Only because of seeing my strength in telling someone first ) As I find that courageous in itself, and I don't think he's a bad or evil person.. that is still putting someone elses health in jeopardy. They are still together and everything but the lack of education in all of it is what had me SUPER concerned. Not just for them, for the world. Not only did they first confuse HPV With HSV ( Yeah, they thought I had the exact same thing) I talked to my friends Mom about it all aswell and she seemed to think that HPV just disappeared, as SHE has it too and SHE (my friends mother is a PSW.. ) not to say shes a doctor or anything but that just goes to show that Someone like me is actually more educated than an actual health care provider. They are entirely different things.. which I tried to explain but I honestly still think they were all confused. I honestly felt talking to my friends Mother would be a good decision (In a way it still was, because it made me realize how educated in all of this I actually am compared to other people.. and that I really badly want to raise awareness to people) She actually said to me near the end of our conversation " I just wouldnt tell the next guy that you're with " I JUST WAS FLABBERGASTED, I explained to her I was not willing to take away that decision from someone.. and that I'd never feel comfortable putting someone elses health at risk like that. It's not right. She just didn't understand. It was just shocking, for me to hear all of this. Really worried me.. and I heard stories about yet another girl who I don't know.. who's going around sleeping with people and not saying a word to them about it.. unprotected, and knowing she has a HSV. It's all made me feel like an awesome and respectful person for being so courageous and basically a good person for always disclosing with my partners.. and I will openly admit in the past I had a couple times where I used condoms without telling people ( I am only human and made mistakes when I was younger and uneducated but I have changed drastically) Sorry to veer off topic here, but I am just really looking for some input in all of this.. is this really how most of the world looks at STDS? It's not physically there so it's gone? I just don't understand the ignorance.

This is just such a rollarcoaster right now, one minute when I'm keeping myself busy it will stop hurting but then it punchs me in the face again and I just break down in tears. I just feel so worthless sometimes. I hate how up and down it's making me feel. I am just so sad right now. I wish I could disappear. The emotions are like tidal waves ripping through my heart. I wish I could just simply move on but I just miss being wanted...

@misskellyrenee Thankyou for your support, I do agree with you. He really was just shocked by what I was telling him, he really didn't offer any emotional support or comfort towards me. It was just really awkward. I was beating myself up over HOW I told him but in the end I don't think I would have got a different reaction from him either way. My best friend who I've been talking to actively about this entire situation, told her boyfriend whats going on ( he is best friends with the guy I'd been seeing ) and what she just told me today had me shocked. Her boyfriend just came out and told her that he has genital warts. He's going to talk to the guy I guess too. I have very strong reason to believe that even if I don't get what I want from all of this, I helped somebody else come out of the closet to his loved one and nothing has changed between the two of them

@JustASkinCondition I do agree with the 5 stages of grief you explained.. It hasn't been easy to let go of this, but removing myself completely from the situation for now has made it less likely to make it any worse. We still haven't talked but I am really eager for some sort of closure, so we can still be friendly to each other and so it's not totally awkward when I see him ( I will see him from time to time I'm sure ) I have been with people before, I've had boyfriends.. and I've always been the one that has left because I used to think I had to settle for anybody who would accept my HSV, which is simply not true. I deserve a good person who makes me happy, somebody who is a positive person with goals in life. It saddens me to hear you say "I'm not promising that you will find someone" that actually gave me a bit of anxiety the first time I read it, a quick thought of " what if I'm alone forever ? " I stopped myself though, and reminded myself a lot of this just has to do with myself and how I approach things. I just have to be well educated and aware of people I come in contact with, I know going into the social work field that I will meet the most understanding of people and I hope to one day find somebody who connects with me and simply loves me for me regardless of a little baggage. Everyone has baggage, Mine happens to be something 80 percent of people live with. I don't have any doubt in my mind that there's someone out there for everyone.. positivity and outlook is just a huge factor in finding success. I am glad to hear you have a girlfriend and you love her unconditionally, and I am positive there are lots of men out there like you :) Just have to find them.

This is an awesome resource for when your having a rough time <3 thankyou !

Thankyou Both so so much! Your words mean a lot to me right now, it's really comforting to have people who are in my shoes to talk to. I know it was only two weeks, and I am probably silly for thinking it was the best thing that ever happened to me. It just felt so different than the rest, I think a lot of it was because we are both lonely right now. He also just got out of a 5 year relationship, and she treated him really badly.. where I treated him like gold ( as I thought he did me ). I heard about her a few times.. never that he missed her, just things she did to hurt him. Also it's the only other girl he's ever been involved with. So I'm putting my money on a lack of life experience being a main contributing factor. Also the fact he's not even willing to go talk to a nurse with me ( I asked if he would ) and he avoided answering my question. He seemed pretty positive in his texts that not continuing seeing eachother was the " best decision " so if he doesn't even have enough respect for me to come and at least talk to me about his reasoning.. maybe he really isn't worth my time. Sure, his brother's going to talk to him.. but ultimately nobody can change his reaction in all of this. I know he's upset, and I read those articles you sent me. It does help to think that he's rejecting the Virus and not Me. It's just getting used to him being gone that is super hard. I've recently got my very own apartment, all by myself. I work part time and I'm currently doing upgrading so I can attend College in the fall for Social work.. ( It was hard to pull myself out of bed this morning to go to the College because he was supposed to take me) I see a counsellor regularily.. so tomorrow I'll have some more supportive and encouraging words from her. I want to help people.. I want to do big things to bring awareness to society. I know I'm capable of helping make positive changes in this world.. maybe this was just the push I needed to realize a few things about myself and my own self worth. I am amazing, and I know that somebody WILL be very lucky to have me one day. This website has made a big impact on my willingness to become more open about my status.. confident that I'll be supported in my journey to let people know they arn't alone and they should NOT be ashamed of who they are. That hiding in the closet isn't how it should be, People don't make fun of Cancer patients, so what makes them feel it's okay to make fun of any Virus, Disease, Condition. It's never okay. A disease is a disease, whether it be sexually transmitted or not.. nobody asked to be given one. I strongly believe, the ones who are diagnosed with an STI ( I am usually not religious but it helps to think about it this way sometimes ) are the ones who GOD thought could handle it, his strongest fighters.. I have had a rough life and really havent had that supportive of parents.. but I do have some of the best friends and a few family members who've never let me down. I've been dealt a lot of shitty cards, but I wouldnt be the person I am today without everything I've been through. I hope to become more actively involved on this website! To help people know that positivity can change your life

I was giving perspective after initially telling him what I had, getting that out in the open was just the difficult part I struggled with.. a good 5 minutes of awkward silence passed before I could even spit it out. I wish It could have been easier.. but I just read that free e book posted on the site and it's making me feel like an idiot for not waiting until I felt more comfortable to tell him, you know?

Thankyou for your support, I really need all the support I can get. I think it was a wise decision to come to a place where no judgement is being passed and everyone helps one another. My girl friend who is our mutual friend ( She actually set me and The guy up in the beginning ) was the one to message The guys Brother, She didn't say much other than I was upset.. and disclosed something personal with The guy Im seeing, and that he doesnt think he can continue being with me. The guys brother was saying The guy I am seeing is upset too.. and he was going to talk to him. I am waiting for my girlfriend to get off work and let me know what ( if she has ) heard.. depending on what she's heard and if The brother now knows what the issue is regarding I will get her to send him some links. I want to be positive about this entire thing.. but I feel like my talk with him could have went alot better.. now I am just feeling awkward and mad at myself for not being more positive about it. I just want closure if all things don't end up working out, I don't want to be left with this awful sucky awkward feeling.

It's just difficult. Never make someone your everything, because if they disappear you're left with nothing. I'd never taken that risk before.. Letting someone in, taking my walls down and really feeling emotions for somebody. It just was a slap in the face is all.

Haha thanks for the quick reply, you're right I am 22.. I know the whole fairytale thing only lasts for so long in any situation.. I just had never felt such a connection with somebody. I've been through a lot in my life already and he just seemed to make the bad disappear. I am educated, I am very educated on H.. I just kinda had a breakdown when I was telling him.. which I explained to him. I explained that having herpes doesnt effect me, it's only this painful conversation that does.. and that all the tears were in fear that I was going to lose him. I know being positive about it is the best way, and believe me I worked myself up to do exactly that.. shrug it off like it wasnt a big issue because IT'S NOT.. but I just broke down, because right when I started I already felt I was going to lose him. I just seem to crumble from the anxiety after being rejected. I just wish he would have actually taken the time to educate himself, and you're right if he does come around ( and properly gets himself educated ) that makes him someone worth being with.. and hell yeah I would let him right back in. I'm just still in shock right now, it feels like somebody died.. if that makes sense.

My name is Allyson, I have been living with this since I was 19 years old.. I'm going to be 23 in August. I have everything going for me, I had confidence .. but everytime I build it back up again somebody crushes me because of Good old herpes. I'm From Ontario. I just recently was rejected by my dreamguy.. We were living a fairytale and I feel like the rugs been just yanked from under me. I'm in a lot of pain, as I've never felt so shameful and alone. I Feel like my hearts been completely broken, after we had the chat yesterday and I told him what I have.. and that it was the reason I hadnt been intimate with him.. we havent spoken today at all , and I'm so used to the constant flow of texts, phonecalls, visits at work, good morning beautifuls, dates, late night drives.. hanging out everyday. I hadnt ever connected with someone like I did him. I just need some friends who I can relate to, my friends are great but it's different when a person really understands what you're going through.

Hey, I just joined on this website so I really don't know what to expect by posting about what has happened to me but It's worth getting off my chest. Especially where there's support available. I was diagnosed with Herpes when I was 19 years old, I don't want to get into how awful of a situation that was because that's a story for a different day. Anyways, Recently a few weeks ago I met the most amazing Guy.. and We were basically living a fairy tale. We hungout every day since the day we met, I met his his whole family and all of his friends.. who all told me they had never seem him so happy. That I was amazing for him, that we were perfect for eachother.. and we are. I know I made him happy.. he told me so many times. I woke up to good morning beautiful everyday. We talked nonstop, we went on dates, we cuddled, we kissed, we went on drives in the middle of the night and talked about all the exciting things we were going to do over the summer. He was supportive of my dreams and goals, motivated me, inspired me to be a better person. Until last night, when I sat him down to tell him why I hadn't been able to be intimate with him.. I told him what I had.. I built myself beforehand, told myself I'd be confident and I'd be positive when I delivered the speech to him. That didn't happen, because as soon as we sat down and I began.. I froze and started to cry and could barely speak because of the fear. I had a crippling fear it was going to be over. I cried and I got the story out, I tried to give him some perspective on things at the end but by that point I already felt what we had was ruined. He was very quiet.. So I got up and told him I would just walk home rather than him drive me .. he told me not to and that he'd drive me.. I said no.. handed back his sweater and he told me to keep it, that it was cold but I just put it down and slowly walked away. Not too long after I fired off text to him with the response I had been dreaded. To put it briefly ( not that there was too long of a message thread ) That he was so sorry, and that the feelings were still there but he couldnt continue with us, that he couldnt risk catching it. I have never been more upset about a partner in my life, nor have I ever been rejected because of this. I was honestly falling in love with this guy, never have I really felt so comfortable and head over heels for someone.. and I know he felt it too. Even though we had only been hanging out for a few weeks, we both felt an amazing connection. I know he's scared and uneducated but .. I just wish he would take the time to educate himself.. I asked him if he'd see a nurse with me but he just had trouble processing all of it to begin with and I had to stop being pushy so I did. I am extremely defensive in all of this, I put myself out there 100 percent and was rejected.. the last thing I can do is try to further things and try harder to make him accept me. I've just not texted him today, which feels like a slap in the face in itself because we havent stopped talking in 2 and a half weeks. It just felt so right, but now I feel empty and hollow. I just cry and cry, this pain in my chest is crippling. I just don't know how to recover, Everyone thought this was the one and so did I . I feel like I don't deserve to feel like I'm living in a fairy tale, that I'm going to wind up settling for someone who accepts me but it's going to be someone I'm not crazy about. I just want my confidence back. I want him back. His brother was apparently supposed to talk to him about things, I was told his brother had been with someone who's had an std before ( not sure which one ) but if that's true as I know it probably is, hopefully his brother can educate him with the facts. I can't get my hopes up though... I just can't do that to myself in this spot I'm in. :( So sad. My heart aches with so much pain right now.