Rose2014

Hi everyone: I've been taking suppressive therapy for the last two months, and I went tonight to fill the rest of my prescription and the pharmacist told me that there is no more generic Valtrex, period; it is only name brand from now on, which basically doubles the cost. I was shocked. This news seems to make these meds prohibitively expensive. Even though I am lucky enough to have decent benefits through work, I am stopping my meds - I'm not involved with anyone sexually right now and they weren't stopping my frequent outbreaks anyway (though they were a bit milder). Has anyone else, in Canada and elsewhere, heard this?

It has been four months since my diagnosis (HSV1 genital), and I can't seem to bear the thought of being sexual again. For the first few months, I was dealing with constant outbreaks, and struggling with unending physical symptoms, but for the last six weeks, I've been on suppressive therapy, and I am feeling so much better, physically and emotionally. I was devastated at first, it was really traumatic for a long while, but now that I'm feeling better physically, thanks to the meds, and finding some perspective, thanks to this site and other supports, I'm finding that I can now go for almost an entire day without even thinking about my H+ status, which has been amazing! I contracted H in March, from a coworker with whom I had a brief fling. I had a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that I got this from him so easily and quickly, when we weren't serious, and he quickly moved on and out of our city and out of my life shortly after my diagnosis. But I am dealing with that as best I can, and feel in a better place emotionally, although I still have my moments and my struggles with all of it. I am definitely not dating anyone - I'm not at all ready. It's not even the disclosure aspect that I dread. I still feel too traumatized physically to try and even consider being sexual, and this really bothers me. I have come a long way in accepting the fact that I have this, I understand how common it is, and I know, intellectually, it is only a nuisance skin condition. I would never think any less of or be disgusted with anyone else for having it (my "giver" disclosed and I took the risk), but since my own diagnosis, I have this deep, deep-rooted disgust with my body that I can't seem to shake. I hate bathing or having to do anything that involves me having to be aware of that area of my body, or touch it in any way. I barely get through what I have to do for hygiene. I have a huge, huge mental block, and I don't know how to break through it and let myself really accept that I still deserve to be sexual. Because I know I deserve to have a fulfilling sex life, like anyone else, and I really crave that. I have tried to explore and learn about "self-love" and all that, with toys and books and things like that, to try and rediscover my sexuality (alone, to begin with), but I immediately put them all away and have never even taken them out. I just can't bring myself to do it. So, I'm wondering: has anyone else ever felt this way, and if so, how did you learn to embrace your sexuality again after discovering you have H?

It has been four months since my diagnosis (HSV1 genital), and I have not been able to even consider being sexual. For the first few months, I was dealing with constant outbreaks, and struggling with the unending physical symptoms, but for the last six weeks, I've been on suppressive therapy, and I am feeling so much better. I can go for almost an entire day without even thinking about my H+ status, which has been amazing! I contracted H from a coworker with whom I had a brief fling. I had a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that I got this from him so easily and quickly, when we weren't serious, and he quickly moved on and out of our city shortly after my diagnosis. I have dealt with that, as best I can, and feel in a better place emotionally, although I still have my moments and my struggles with it. I am definitely not dating anyone - I'm not at all ready. It's not even the disclosure aspect that I dread. I just feel too traumatized physically to even consider being sexual, and this really bothers me. I have come a long way in accepting the fact that I have this, I understand how common it is, and I know, intellectually, it is only a nuisance skin condition. I would never think any less of anyone for having it, but apparently, I have this deep, deep-rooted disgust with myself as a result of my diagnosis that I can't seem to shake. I hate bathing or having to do anything that involves me having to be aware of that area of my body, or go near it. I barely get by with what I have to do. I have a huge mental block, and I don't know how to break through it and let myself really accept that I still deserve to be sexual. Because I know I deserve to have a fulfilling sex life, like anyone else, and I crave that. I have made attempts to venture into doing things for "self-love" and all that, with toys and books, to try and rediscover my sexuality about a month after my diagnosis, but I immediately put them all away and never took them out again. I just can't bring myself to do it. So, I'm wondering: has anyone else ever felt this way, and if so, how did you learn to embrace your sexuality again after discovering you have H?

Hey everyone! I found this piece in The Atlantic today. It seems really well intended, and covers many points I had (thankfully!) already learned from spending so much time on here since I was diagnosed in April, but it's still interesting. Although, I am very curious about this one line: "Genital herpes is contracted during sexual contact, usually spread through fluids on the genitals or mouth." The headline is: The Overblown Stigma of Genital Herpes, and it was prefaced by this question: "Why do we attach so much shame and insecurity to a skin condition with only part-time symptoms?" :-) Here's the link: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/07/the-overblown-stigma-of-genital-herpes/374757/

I'm about two weeks into my suppressive therapy now for genital type 1, and although I find I'm still getting frequent outbreaks, they are much milder, less intense then without the meds. There seems to be less prodrome/tingling too, but still often enough. Is this normal?

Hi Willow: I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I'm not sure why the meds are that expensive for you. I'm in Canada too, and after constant outbreaks and going through multiple rounds of episodic meds since my diagnosis (HSV-1 genital) in April, I have just started my suppressive therapy - 500 mg a day of Valacyclovir (which is Valtrex, right?), which cost me $65 (after dispensing fees, too) for a one-month supply ...

Thank you so much for posting these links, @WCSDancer2010. I really needed to read these. After a few weeks of starting to feel a bit better, three months after my diagnosis, I have had a few extremely low days where I've started to get all caught up in anger, self-pity and stressing so hard again over what I can't change (that I contracted herpes) and losing focus on the momentum I had been building, in learning to take care of myself and getting adjusted to the new normal. These are helping to pull me out of that funk.

Three months later, I'm still shocked at how I contracted it, despite trying to be as safe as I think we possibly could have been in the situation, so here are my answers: 1) I know exactly who it was, and yes, he did disclose - although he told me while we were in bed and things were already getting physical. Although I never brought up the topic of STIs before jumping in myself ... so foolish. 2) We only had sex one time. Three weeks to the day of, I had my first outbreak. I was diagnosed visually a few days later and the swab of my lesion tested positive for HSV-1 genital a week after that. 3) Yes, we used a condom. Lots and lots of lube, too (I noticed that without realizing why he was using so much until later). And he had no visible outbreak. BUT we also had a lot of full body skin to skin contact and mutual touching before the condom came out. 4) He does not take antivirals and told me he has only taken medication one time since his diagnosis (he has had it for 8 years), and only uses Lysine to manage his outbreaks.

This is fantastic! I felt just as low when I was first diagnosed in April - it tore me apart - but I'm starting to finally come around, slowly but surely, to the same way of thinking about my herpes and my life. And it feels so good :-)

WOW. This is so beautiful, powerful and truly inspiring - I think it's my favourite post so far, and I have read so many amazing ones here in the few months since my diagnosis. So grateful for this site and to @ele3 for sharing this. Yoga has been a huge help in my healing, too.

That's awesome, @misskellyrenee! Sounds like it went really well. Glad to hear it! Sounds like you took a lot of valuable info away from it. I have an update, too. I did receive a kind email reply from "him" yesterday. He was grateful for my message, said he had wanted to contact me but didn't know whether he should (You were right, @WCSDancer2010). He also told me he was in the middle of moving to another city in our province. That set something off in me, and I bawled like a baby off and on for the rest of the day. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's that I realize I'm truly alone to pick up the pieces and learn to live my life - and my love and sex life - much differently as a result of this brief, empty fling. It really hurts to realize that he is happily off to another city, another job, another woman, and limitless dreams while I am left here, alone and struggling with herpes. My anger toward him is gone, but now I'm really feeling sad. On days like today, it's impossible to understand why he came into my life, and why H had to come into my life too. And right now, it's really hard to see a happy, fulfilled, vibrant life in which I am truly loved by someone now that I have contracted herpes from someone who turned out to be a tiny blip in the story of my life.

Good luck, @misskellyrenee! I hope the act of writing and sending that letter helped you, as it has done for me. I sent my email late last night, and I feel good. I felt lighter, strangely freer, all day today. Even though I think it's highly likely I will never get a response, and I'll probably never even know why. But while over the last two months, I agonized over this - over him -, today, I'm fine with it. I feel like I finally did it - I have made my peace with him, even though I probably won't get reception and acknowledgement of this from him. I don't need it. I did the right thing, I took responsibility for what I did, and I thanked him once again for giving me the choice. I gave him a really good explanation of how far I've come along in the process, and that from now on, I'm coming only from a place of understanding and acceptance - no more attacks, no more lecturing or lashing out, only positivity. I also made sure to tell him that if he ever wants/needs an ear or some support, I'll be glad to offer it anytime, and if/when he is ready for that, he knows where to find me. I'm glad I did it, and I do feel a certain sense of closure. Above all, I feel like I've shed this weight that I've carried - although H remains and I know there will still be bad days -, and I'm more excited about moving ahead. That simmering anger and resentment I felt toward him ever since my diagnosis seems to have completely evaporated. What a relief.

Wow, @WCSDancer2010, it is tough love, but those are some of the most powerful, moving and helpful words I have heard since my diagnosis. You are so wise. I agree with your assessment, and I'm moved to tears. It is eye-opening, for sure. I see now how incredibly easy it is to slip into the victim mentality. Even though I thought I was more mature than that, that is exactly how I have been living the last few months - as a victim, feeling victimized by him and wallowing in anger and sorrow for myself and what I have perceived that I've lost. While being the victim offers some very hollow comfort in the initial stages, and creates the false illusion that I'm not as responsible for what happened, it also does take away much of the feeling of control and power over my own life. As for him: I will never know him well enough to assess whether he is a decent guy in general. I didn't really know him when I decided to have sex with him, and I still don't know him or much about his story at all. But you're right: he did do some decent things here and he did make some efforts that he didn't have to, and I am starting to realize that now. The night we spent together, I thanked him repeatedly for being considerate enough to tell me - I was really emotional, because at some level, I knew at my core how many people don't say anything at all, and how tempting it could be to not say anything, particularly if it's a casual fling. I even thanked him the next day, when we were texting about what happened between us. But unfortunately, being diagnosed with H a few weeks later threw me into a total tailspin, and my open-minded, mature mentality flew right out the window, replaced by anger and self-pity. It's time to change that, and I know. It will definitely be a process. But maybe it is time to face the music and write and send him the letter I really want to, with no expectations as to what will happen next, hoping only for his understanding that I was coming from a place of shock and distress, kind of like a wounded animal. I still feel like one, but I know I have made some progress, because I am ready to own all of my part in this. I am here because I made a decision and took a risk. The consequences have been life-changing, but maybe not all for the worse. I want to make peace with him, I want it for myself as I learn to cope and live with this, I also want it for him because I don't believe he needs to live with guilt and anguish (if he is, which seems likely). If we could come together and support each other, that would be great, in my mind. If it's not possible, I still agree it's important that he knows where I am at now, how I have evolved in my journey and that I regret my initial reaction and treatment of him and that I wish peace and happiness for both of us. I couldn't possibly agree more that it's important for me to clean up my integrity about what happened. I think this might be a pivotal moment in changing how I live with H and in general, too. Thank you!

@misskelly, I can totally relate to your situation. I have been living with H for almost three months now. I got it from a one-time encounter with someone I dated casually only a couple of times. He disclosed while we were in bed. He didn't have an outbreak. We used a condom. Three weeks after the one time we were intimate, I had my first outbreak. Before my outbreak and diagnosis, we had talked about seeing each other again. He didn't feel right for me in the long term, and I pretty much felt I also wasn't right for him, but I thought we could just "have fun" together for a bit and that it would fizzle out in due course. I thought our fling would give me a much-needed self-esteem boost and reintroduce me to being sexual (I hadn't been romantic with anyone in nearly a couple of years) and just have all kinds of positive effects that would help me get "out there" again. Well, H really got in the way of my plans and totally divided us, which still hurts me to this day, even though I had no plans for a real relationship with him. After I found out, we kept in touch for a little while. We spoke on the phone for an hour after I left the clinic where I was diagnosed. He was apologetic, and said he would be there for me anytime. I, however, was angry, sad and shocked, and in the initial stage, probably did try to shift the blame to him. He hadn't disclosed until we were in bed together and things had gotten physical. We had both been drinking. My judgment was impaired, and I knew almost nothing about herpes. After disclosing, he offered to answer my questions, and told me some things that proved to be wrong. I still decided to take the risk that night, though, and when I ended up with H - because for some reason, I arrogantly felt like there was no way it could happen, nor should it happen, from that one time with a condom, and him having no outbreak - I was furious with him for what I saw at the time as devious, deceptive behaviour. And I think it probably shone though in every communication I had with him after my diagnosis. One day, after he had apologized again, I told him I thought he needed to change his behaviour with future partners and that his disclosure was very poorly timed - and I still think it is, and I still think he is not living well with his condition, even though he has had it for 8 years, and he is strangely not informed enough (he told me there was no possibility of transmission when there is no outbreak - strange that a 35-year-old journalist would believe that in 2014), and I strongly feel he has no right to pursue casual sex and then not disclose to a potential partner until the last possible minute. I still believe he did a lot wrong in this situation, but so did I - I didn't bring up STDs, I accepted his questionable information at face value, and I ultimately made the decision - even though it was alcohol and passion-fueled - to have sex with him. I took the risk, and lost the gamble, big time. Anyway, in the first days after my H diagnosis, after I told him what I thought of his inconsiderate disclosure (I wasn't rude or mean or uncivil in any way, but I was very matter of fact), he just got really defensive and told me that he was trying to be supportive, but wouldn't tolerate my attacks. After that, we stopped talking and haven't communicated at all in two months. Two months that have been really emotional and lonely as I try to make peace with living with H, even though I have reached out for help constantly. It's not the same as being able to talk to the person who gave this to me, the person with whom I share this strange link/bond. I have had constant outbreaks ever since my diagnosis, and it's taken a real toll. There is nothing I wish for more than to have his support - even as a friend - and to be able to be there for each other, and to not have to live with the cold, hard fact that my whole life has changed for what was just an empty meaningless fling for him. I haven't reached out to him again, and I never will, because, first of all, I am very afraid of a negative reaction. I am way too emotionally fragile to handle his negativity or his rejection. The fact that he has not reached out to me to see how I'm doing says it all - he is either just not able to cope with facing me and this situation, or is simply not interested and has moved on to his next conquest. Either way, there is nothing to be gained by my reaching out - even though it would only be conciliatory - and it could definitely be detrimental to my recovery and healing, which I am working so hard toward. But it is just so hard. I think of him every day, especially with the constant outbreaks, the changes to my body always remind me of what happened. It's so hard to realize someone can just go on with their life as if nothing happened when mine has been changed so deeply and forever. But nothing changed for him. He always had H, got to have his one night of fun, and when I called him out on his less-than-ideal disclosure and asked him to face it, it was no big deal to walk away from the mess. Unbelievably, this weekend, as part of my job, I actually had to promote his work on top of it (we were colleagues, his contract with my company ended, but one of his projects was just recently released and I had no choice but to promote it without saying a word to anyone about how painful it was for me to do so). Needless to say, it has been an excruciating few days for me. I have even had a new outbreak emerge while still in the course of taking my antivirals from an outbreak I had over a week ago (I am realizing that stress is a huge, huge trigger, of course). I don't know how to resolve my feelings toward him and achieve that forgiveness and peace with him and his role in this. I am in counselling, joined a support group and exercise regularly. But I am still so hurt and feel completely rejected and abandoned and long for some insight into his behaviour. I know that most likely, I will never have that closure or gain that insight. It's just so hard to accept. I have also considered writing him a letter, not to be sent, of course. I can't risk any kind of negative reaction from him, it would just destroy any progress I have made in this process - and it has really been a slow and painful journey for me so far.

@WCSDancer2020 Thank you so much for your message. It looks like I will have to try suppressive therapy, for a while, anyway. I have to do whatever I can to get back on track physically, so I can tackle this emotionally, which is a big task, even when reaching out for support. I'm stunned at how this happened, as well as at how violently my body is reacting to the virus - very surprising, as I have always been in excellent physical health. This part of your message: And that is where Herpes has acted as your Wing-man ... and while it sucks that you got it from him, it showed you who HE IS and got him out of your life faster than you likely would have without it... and that may be a far better scenario than what might have happened if you had not got it from him. Too many of us get into relationships only to realize that the person wasn't who we thought they were/hoped they would be. You will find that with Herpes, you get a lot of those people out of the way a LOT faster and that those who love YOU and all your imperfections won't let a little virus get in the way of your relationship. ... made me cry a bit, as it's so comforting to hear. And I'm sure it's true. When I was planning to have casual sex with him, there were already a number of red flags that led me to conclude that there was no possibility for a relationship, at least a healthy one, with him. And I can see that had things between us continued, there could - likely would have - been even more heartbreak on the horizon, and for that I guess I should be thankful. I just can't believe I have to pay this price for one episode of bad, bad judgment. But he was thrilling, exciting, attractive and charming, and I thought I could get away with one night of passion. When he told me about his HSV, after getting over the initial shock, and listening to him explain his situation, I thought the risk was so small, so low, that I could still have the fun I was planning to have all along, and get off scot-free. Surprise!! :-) It also helps to think of my own mindset about HSV, before I got it myself. Although I knew very little about it, I would never have turned away from a promising relationship, someone I felt a real connection with because of HSV. I know my mind and my heart would have been completely open and accepting, if there were potential for a real relationship. While I knew there was no relationship potential with the person who gave it to me, I decided to take the risk for the thrill, and unfortunately, I got burned. But as you rightly point out, there is risk inherent to everything we do, and sometimes the worst case scenario will happen. I feel like I'm very slowly, but surely starting to make some progress in moving into the acceptance phase. Thank you so much for the links and for the support :-) I