blueeyes

I just signed back in to his forum after not being on the site for almost 5 years. I wanted to read my success story for a reminder and a little added encouragement. I have recently met a man and we have really hit it off. I think we’re getting to the point when we need to discuss it. I will say I was absolutely terrified to disclose to my boyfriend (5ish years ago). There’s a whole thread on here somewhere of people encouraging me and giving me pep talks. When I finally did, It couldn’t have gone better. He was so understanding, and was ok w/ it. We were together for 3 years. H had nothing to do w/ our breakup.

Thank you @normalprofessional. Things are going very well. The boyfriend and I are still going strong! :)

Hi guys! Please feel free to shoot me a message when you're in need of someone to talk to. I have been through the mental/emotional anguish of this virus, and came out on the winning end. Recently I have had a disclosure success (my 1st time telling someone ever) and I can't even begin to tell you how much better and lighter I feel. I avoided relationships for 8 years because I was avoiding sex because that meant I would need to have the conversation about my STD/STI status. I'm here if you need me!

@valkyrie Thank you so much! It really is a great feeling and a weight off my shoulders. I was so terrified and it was like it wasn't even a big deal. He's such a great guy, and so understanding... I can't even begin to tell you how lucky I feel.

@wcsdancer2010 @blueskygirl @Adrial (Mr. H Opp) @Herrytheherp @Orngpeelmafia ..... Alright guys..... Put your reading pants and glasses on... this is gunna be a long one! But if you're not in a reading mood, I'll just give you a spoiler alert... I did it!!! I told him!.... I told him AND he was ok w/ it. I'm still in complete shock!!! but couldn't be more thrilled... I'm going to give a play by play below... but if you don't want to read it all.... Thanks so much for your words of encouragement and help!!! This site has seriously been a tremendous help! OK... So after 8 years of not having sex b/c I was too chicken/ashamed to have a conversation about my "status".... I decided last night (wed), as the night it was going to happen. I've been dating this amazing man for 10 months and it's just not fair to make him keep waiting... even though he had bee graciously/patiently doing so. This is going to be SOOOO long and detailed... mainly b/c I hope you can one day use this story/thread as a success story. Use it to show the progression from complete terror and shame.... to success. I seriously don't think I've slept a sound night since I found out my test results. I have been so ashamed and upset about having herpes and thought that no one would ever care about me, and I would always be alone and never have sex again.... I literally didn't have sex for 8 years.... ABSURD! OK....We had had conversation before, about condoms, and I said they were must, but we pretty much left it at that. No questions were asked... but months went by (literally months) and he hadn't purchased any. So when it was brought up again, he said he was going to let me buy them since I was the one that had the issue, and when I bought them he would know I was ready.... so a few weeks go by, and I bought some... both male and female (ordered on amazon). I wanted to make sure we were going to have options, and be safe if things worked in my favor. Yeah well.... they sat in my car for another 2 weeks, because I couldn't work up the courage to actually get the words out of my damn mouth. So again... I told myself last night it was happening!!!!! I've literally been losing sleep hair and lbs about this, and just couldn't take it any more! We had a great day and evening, went grocery shopping to get supplies for dinner. We had a couple cocktails (my liquid courage for the evening... but not too many in case I needed to leave if the conversation didn't go my way), and made dinner together... b/c we're cute like that. So we ate, watched some baseball... and then all of a sudden... it was 1030. So I went to my car... got my over night bag, and threw my condom assortment into my bag. When I sat back on the couch he instantly knew something was off. He asked me if I was ok... of course I said yes, and we just left it at that. He looked at me and said "somethings not ok... whats going on?".... so I looked at him and said, ok... I need to tell you something. So I turned towards him and I said "I brought condoms", and he just kinda smirked and looked at w/ a questioning look and was like "ok, and why is that causing a problem?" and I said "well, I brought condoms and would like to use them so we can be intimate but we can be intimate without me telling you that I'm a carrier of the herpes simplex virus. I really value you and our relationship and care about you and trust you and want you to trust me too, and I want to give you the opportunity to make the decision I never had the option of making. What do you think?" (<--- I said that all at about 1 million miles an hour). So he looks at me and says "1. thank you for telling me! 2. I thought something might be up b/c you would get really weird about sex". Then I started spouting off again "It's much more difficult for men to contract it... there's like a 4% chance if we didn't use a condom, a 2% chance if we do, and roughly 1% if I go on suppression therapy... which I'm not on b/c my doctor told me since I have such few outbreaks that it's not really that necessary... but if it would make you more comfortable... I would be happy to do so... but 1% is like the same percent chance of me getting pregnant if we used condoms anyway". Mind you I'm pretty much shaking from the inside out at this point... but trying to play it off like it's not really that big a deal, b/c delivery is 3/4 the battle with this. He looks at me at says (mind you he's a nurse) "well, from what I know about this it's more of a skin condition (<---- whaaaaat??! insert jaw drop b/c that was going to be my next line)" and I said "Exactly! It's very manageable. I have things very under control and almost never have an issue" and he said "and I'm not mistaken a lot of people have this" (is he reading my mind!?!?). I agreed and told him a few more stats. Then I say "again, I just want you to know I value you and really care about you and think you deserve to be presented with options, and make an educated decision"... he pauses and since I don't do well w/ silence, especially when my anxiety is at an all time high I said "it doesn't change who I am, and it doesn't make me who I am... it's just what I have" and he said "I know...I think I'm ok w/ it". WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?! I couldn't believe my ear!!! I got a little giddy. Actually... I'm still giddy! After the 8 years of complete mental and emotional torture I had put myself through.... It was gone. Someone really could care about me even though I have herpes.... Someone really did want to have sex w/ me even though I had herpes. I don't have to be alone......Pure ELATION! Thank you everyone from this forum, who has been there provideng information, and helping me along the way. I really and honestly don't think I could have or would have done it w/o you! - BE P.S.... and yes.... the 8 year dry spell is no longer!!! woooot woooot!!

@blueskygirl... I'm a chicken shit. I didn't do it. I really don't know why this seems so terrifying to me! I mean.... I do... rejection doesn't bode well w/ me (or anyone I'm sure) and the stigma attached to this is not a good one! I really don't think its a HUGE deal, more of inconvenience. But i've had so much more time (8 years) to think about it, and process it and come to terms w/ it. I'm just totally head over heals for this guy (and believe me.... I NEVER let that happen), and am scared to lose him. I'm also nervous b/c it's been 10 months and we have fooled around, and I'm just worried I have waited to long. Lying by omission? eyyyyy yiiii yiiiii!!! I'll get there.... I don't have much of a choice if I want this to become a real long term relationship. Is it wrong to drink a little liquid courage for the extra little push? ((((((( SIGH)))))) :(

@orngpeelmafia.... I really think that would be ideal! hahaha.... thats kind of great... right? I mean not that I would wish this upon anyone

@wcsdancer2010 (((Sigh))) I chickened out. I WILL DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS!

@Adrial (Mr. H Opp) @Herrytheherp @wscdancer2010 : Ok- So currently I'm having an "I feel confident enough to share this w/ him" moment. So.... I'm thinking tomorrow is the day. I'm not going to lie.... I've had these bouts of confidence about this before and chickened out... actually its been going on for about 5 months now (smh!)..... BUT I'm having an, "It's really not THAT big of deal moment.... I'm pretty amazeballs, so it's going to be ok... why wouldn't it be?! He would be stupid to let me go" moment (just trying to boost the ol' confidence). Of course I will keep you guys up-to-date. I hope that one day, you are able to use my story as a "success story" to give others the courage i've needed for so long! Put some (LOTS!) of positive thoughts and energy out there for me... please and thank you!

I love this story! I'm in the processes of working up some hypothetical balls to tell my boyfriend. Still trying to figure out how to broach the subject.... it just seems like theres never really.... a good time to do it. Your story makes me hopeful!

@wcsdancer2010 Thanks for the links and words of encouragement! I'll keep you guys posted! Also.... I have OB once maybe twice a year. My doctor said since it was less than 6 I don't really need suppression therapy.... I take valtrex episodically. What is your opinion on that?

THE OG-> Adrial, & Herry The Herp: Thank you both for responding so quickly. I think part of the reason I'm so nervous, is b/c I'm not 100% ok with having this virus (but who is). I seriously go back and forth on a day to day basis about how I feel about it. One day I think it's not that big of a deal, and its just annoying, and the next day I feel absolute shame and disgust. In other words, one day I'm logical, and the next.... Emotional (clearly a woman). I was so young when I was diagnosed, and I feel like the foot loose and fancy free sex life I want and deserve... was ripped right out from under me. I know I am also to blame for not protecting myself... I was young, dumb, and full of denial and thought something like that would/COULD, never happen to me.... #wrong!!! I'm now realizing that this is something that can happen to people from all walks of life. I guess I still feel some shame about it... even 8 years later. I mean....I have avoided long term relationships for the last 8 years, so I wouldn't have to tell anyone! In case you can't read between those lines...let me be more clear ..........................................................................................................................................I HAVENT HAD SEX IN 8 YEARS! whaaaaaaaaaat!?!?!?! (<---- so wrong! so long!!!). I really am a very confident persons (and QUITE the catch if I do say so myself)... but this is always lingering in the back of my mind. The option to stay or walk away was taken away from me by a man (I'm using that term loosely) I thought I could trust.... But I'm sure everyone else he was sleeping w/at the same time felt the same way! Obviously telling him is a MUST and the right thing to do. I want to give him the opportunity to make the decision and have the choice I wasn't fortunate enough to have.... I'm just scared he'll chose the latter rather than the former. Sidebar: I'm concerned that I've wait to long to tell him. What if he thinks "I just wasted 10 months of my life for nothing"?!?! :( Herry: I am indeed quite witty and would love to hear some of this stand-up you've devised. Thanks again guys, - Blueeyes P.S. being vulnerable is something I ride the struggle bus w/.

I have been with my current boyfriend for almost 10 months. We have not had sex, though there has been plenty of fooling around. I feel like I spent the first 1/2 of our relationship waiting to find reasons that it wouldn't work out, so I didn't have to tell him.... but I can't say that I have found any. The second 1/2 has been me, trying to find the right time, and the proper wording so that I won't scare him away. He has been so patient with me.... That has to mean something.... Right!? We both work in the medical field... so I don't know if thats something that will hurt me or help me, but I do think it will allow him to understand the facts a bit better?? But I do know I need to have this conversation. The amount of anxiety is causing me is absolutely unhealthy! Somehow through all of the anxiety I've managed to keep the OB at bay (but drops some lbs!). I've never had this conversation before, so I think thats why I am so anxious (obviously.... and rightfully so... right?). I've never had the opportunity for it to work out either way. I've got all the facts and statistics (thanks to this great site), but I'm just curious what the proper vocabulary is for this conversation. Do I say, "I have herpes", "I am a carrier of the herpes virus", "I have HSV-2"???? What is the least frightening way to say it?