WhoopsiDaysi

NeverDanced, I totally get where you are right now but as everyone else has said, herpes is no different than any other way people filter who they want to date and who they don't. For some people, smoking is a deal breaker. For others it's kids. For some it's weight. Everyone has their deal breaker and herpes is no different. Dating someone because they have herpes is like dating someone because they have had the flu. It's not really the basis for picking a mate. A healthy relationship is based on a hell of a lot more than "I have a cold sore". Anyone who has had a cold sore on their mouth is just as likely to pass along herpes as someone who has it genitally. I don't know about you, but good oral sex is a damn fine thing and yet no one thinks to have "the talk" before going down on you. I have been in relationships with people who have herpes and who don't or don't know they do. The bottom line is picking someone who you connect with. Herpes is a great filter because it gives you an opportunity to get to know them a bit before you have the Talk. With that little bit of "clear thinking" you can see a lot that you may not have seen without the time for "The Talk". Also, having herpes protects you from other things because you are having the sex talk about not just herpes but other things. The Talk also builds trust because they now see what kind of person you are. You have enough respect for their health and the integrity to have the talk and let them make the choice. It also opens the door to sex talk that could lead to some great moments. So, although initially finding out you have herpes can seem like a sentence to a lifetime of celibacy, it is actually quite the opposite. AND, you get to connect with really cool people like us on here. ;) Keep an open mind my dear and see how herpes can actually be a blessing. You will get there. Don't let it define you, let it refine you. :) Brenda

Ms. Daisy, We all have days where we struggle and feel like we are one step forward and 10 steps back. It's part of the human experience my dear. Thank you for sharing your struggles and being vulnerable and authentic. It's great for others to see that everyone struggles, even the ones who are giving the help and support. Sweetie, you are just where you need to be. You are reaching out and letting others support you which, as you know yourself, is a gift to those who get to support you as you support them. Hang in there. It will get better and we are all sending love and hugs your way! Hugs, Brenda xoox

Ms. Daisy, You will have the time of your life. :) I am so happy and excited for you and everyone who will be attending. :) B xo

Not sure if this is all in my head or if it works for anyone else, but I use the same thing you use on cold sore to help my OBs clear up. I usually take my Valtrex for a few days and use the cold sore cream and within a week I am usually feeling pretty good. I also use my OBs as my reminder to slow down, take care of myself and watch the stress. I use it as an excuse to baby myself, do whatever I want and do some retail therapy. I used to freak out every time I felt like I might have the signs of an OB. Now it's no big deal. It's no worse than getting the flu. It's not something I look forward to but if I have to go through it, that doesn't mean I need to suffer. :) I have tried Lysine but didn't see a real difference for me. I find my OBs are more connected to stress and hormones. Just before that time of the month my immunity is always down and if I am going to get sick either by flu or OB, that is usually when it happens so now that I aware, I just take more care. Everyone is different and so what works for one may not work for another. As time goes on, you get used to having herpes. We all have a choice in this. We can choose to let it break us down or we can choose to use it to build ourselves and others up. It's all an adjustment and that happens over time. As you said, it's not something that is going away, so you may as well figure out how to work with it. :) Hugs, Brenda xo

Ms. Daisy, your feelings are totally normal. Up until the moment you walk in the door you will most likely feel excitement, terror, second thoughts and most likely before you put your hand on the door handle to walk in your last thought may be "What the HELL was I thinking??" and then you will walk in and feel the energy, love, and acceptance and see all those smiling, welcoming smiles and a more than a few people looking just a nervous as you and you will realize you are exactly where you need to be. There are many people who would not have the courage you do to come to the event. Honor yourself for your courage and for making yourself and your healing a priority. You are choosing to take this experience of having herpes and using it to heal, bond, and create the most amazing life. You are making lemonade (with a splash of vodka!) out of lemons my dear. I have been to the weekend as a participant and as a helper and I wish I was there again to meet you all and to be part of the amazing energy, love and fellowship that will be taking place. I will be there in spirit and I look forward to hearing your reactions when you get back. Have a fabulous time!! Hugs to you all!! Brenda xo

Dssiamond, I am so glad you decided to reach out. You are obviously a strong person to realize that you are struggling and need support. So, first of all, I honor you for that. The waiting is not easy. Whether you have herpes or you don't - that doesn't change the wonderful person that you are. You are obviously intelligent, caring and mature for your 20 years. It may feel like an ending right now but trust me - it can be the beginning of something pretty fantastic. First of all, you have joined a very caring and supportive community of people who are second to none. I have met many of them personally and I can tell you they are the real deal and they really care about you. Secondly, what you are feeling is totally normal and we have all been through it. The fear, the anger, the uncertainty about what our lives will look like now, whether herpes will make us less of a person, and whether we will be accepted now that we have herpes. You will grieve your previous life and think about herpes pretty much all the time. BUT, eventually, it gets better. Pretty soon you realize that herpes is more of a minor inconvenience and you also realize that there is a gift in all of it. It changes you forever, but you can choose to make that change a great one. You will see people on here who have lived with it for years and you will see how loving, successful and happy they are. They have met some amazing people as a result, they have formed relationships, gotten married, and gone on to live really great lives. It's really no different than having a cold sore on your face. Really. But right now, focus on you. Keep reaching out for support either by finding a good counsellor, talking to people on here, reaching out to trusted family and friends, do your research, and take some time for some self-care. It's a lot to take in right now and you don't have to figure it all out today. It's okay to not be okay some days. Feel what you feel and let it pass through you like a river. Don't hang on to the feelings or fight them. Nothing is forever. Like any crisis, the first little while is the hardest but eventually the pain and confusion lifts and you will find your way. I am so glad you are part of our community. I look forward to hearing how you are doing. There are a lot of resources on this site. Check them out. Watch the videos. It helps to see real people talking about this and seeing how they dealt with it. Later on, see if you have a local group of people you can connect with. You will get through this. Breathe and take one day at a time. Hugs, Brenda xo

Hi neonstars, What you are feeling is totally normal. We have all to some extent felt exactly like you do. The shame, the stigma, the anger, the denial, bargaining, grief of the loss of your previous life, etc. It is a process and the fact that you are reaching out here means you will get through this and come out the other side stronger, happier and whole and you will see that nothing is an accident. Herpes is not in our lives to tear us down but to make us stronger and set us up for something pretty amazing. I have known for sure about my herpes diagnosis for 3 years but I have suspected for about 10 years before that. I went for tests that came back "inconclusive" and I was so scared to admit I might have it I never pursued it any further until I had an OB I couldn't ignore three years ago. The thing that not many non-H people know is that even though you may have had all the STD tests done, they do not test for herpes. I lived thinking that if I had the tests done and nothing came back on herpes, then I was good. We both know that is wrong. There will be a process of grieving, coming to terms and adjusting to your "new normal". Continue to reach out, do your research and connect with a local group of herpsters to get out and have some fun. When you are able to connect with real people you will see how normal we all are and that it is just something that happens. Just like getting a cold sore on your face, it's a minor inconvenience most days. You sound like a person who will always take in to consideration your partner's feelings and safety and you will find that having The Talk not only shows what kind of person you really are because you chose to give them the choice, even though you risk them rejecting you but it also builds instant trust in a relationship. They know that if you will be honest about having herpes then they can count on you to be honest about other things in life, even when it's difficult or it may make you look bad. It speaks volumes as to your character. It also builds trust in the relationship because you trusted him enough to share this and he was able to see YOU and was smart enough to love all of you. Don't try to rush the process. Herpes is sort of a magnifying glass on everything in your life. You may find a lot of things coming up for you right now. Be patient and kind with yourself, reach out for help, connect with those you know will support you and be kind to yourself. Thank you so much for sharing your story and sharing yourself with us. Welcome to the group!! Hugs, Brenda xoxo

I am not sure if 3 years in qualifies me as a "veteran" but herpes is such a small part of my life. Most days I don't even think about it. The only time it really comes up is when I have an OB and even then, no big deal. I use that time as an excuse to baby myself. I am with a partner who doesn't have herpes and could care less that I do. It never comes up for discussion between us unless I am having an OB. As a couple it's not even on our radar. There is life after the diagnosis. There does come a time when herpes is not on your mind all the time and your self worth is not tied to the fact that you have coldsores on your whatsit. I hope for everyone that we can get to the point where having genital herpes is the same as having coldsores on your face - a minor annoyance and something that just happens. All a part of living. And we all know in the big picture, of all the things you could have to deal with health wise, this is the easiest one to deal with. And to be honest, herpes has actually made my life so much richer and helped me heal in so many ways that I wouldn't change a single thing about getting it. In fact, I am grateful for all the gifts. Brenda

Faith, those are are totally normal feelings. I remember when I first got herpes, I would freak out at every twitch and twinge and was dreading an OB. Now I embrace them. I use that time to do some self-care and really baby myself so now an OB is just a chance to take care of myself. Now if I get an OB, I almost look forward to it. It's not usually as bad as the first OB. That is usually the trial by fire. After that it's not nearly as bad. Everyone is different but generally it gets much better. You are going to go through a period of grieving and uncertainty. Every insecurity you have will have a spotlight thrown on it. Know that how you are feeling is perfectly normal and keep reaching out as you are. This too shall pass and you are going to see a change in yourself that may surprise you. Like any challenge that comes into your life, you learn things about yourself and you grow and herpes is no different. I can honestly say that herpes is one of the best things that has happened to me. I was diagnosed almost 3 years ago and now I hardly think about it but when I look back at all the growth I have had, at how I learned to really love and accept myself and the amazing people I met along the way, I thank God for the gift of herpes. It may sound odd from where you're at right now to hear that, but it's true. Herpes is just a virus. Just a cold sore with a bad location. The great part with herpes is when we have an OB no one has to know! :) You will get through this. Keep posting and keep reading and you will do just fine. Hugs, Brenda

Hi Missliz93, How you are feeling is totally normal. We all have gone through the panic of thinking we are going to have to take a vow of celibacy, that no one will accept us, and that we will forever be alone and that herpes somehow makes us less of a person. I can tell you it's all untrue but it's normal to feel that way at first. There is a grieving process that goes with your diagnosis. It takes time to grieve the loss of your past life and come to terms with your "new normal". But you are reaching out and asking for support which means you are going to do just fine. You will see many people on here who have overcome the shame and stigma and have realized that herpes was probably the best thing that every happened to them. For myself, I am far more compassionate, I love myself so much more, I dealt with so much of my own "stuff" that had nothing to do with herpes. Because of my own journey and growth I was able to meet the most amazing man who doesn't have herpes and could give a rat's ass that I do. Herpes tends to be a magnifying glass for everything that you struggle with in your life but now it's like you can blame all your insecurities on herpes. This can be an amazing journey of self-discovery, healing, growth and the chance to meet so many amazing people. My life is so much richer and I have met so many people who have changed my life forever. None of that would have been possible without herpes. So, just expect the first part of your journey may have a bit of turbulence but once you get through the clouds, it will be clear sailing. :) Keep reaching out and connecting with those in the forum and if you can find a local support group, that is awesome. Being able to meet and talk to people who share what you have just helps to make it all so normal. You will meet people from all walks of life and realize it's not some disease "floozies" get but just a common virus that anyone who has had sex can get. :) Take care!! Brenda

For me, I get a few sores that sort of look like chicken pox marks. Sometimes my lymph nodes in my groin swell. Sometimes, when I think I am just having viral shedding, I get a tingling down the back of my butt and leg. It is sort of like a nerve pain. Everyone is sort of different though I think. After a while you get to know your body and how the virus shows up. I have tried Lysine but didn't really see much of a difference. I find with me, my emotional state affects my outbreaks more than what I eat. However, that said, if I am stressed and then use the common triggers like red wine, chocolate and nuts to self soothe, then I can get an outbreak. I think it's sort of a combination of things. I also find my menstrual cycle affects the virus and if I am going to have an outbreak, it is usually around that time of my cycle. My immune system isn't as strong then and I am more prone to either getting the flu or an outbreak. As Judith said, taking good care of yourself, managing your stress and eating well go along way to helping the outbreaks. Herpes is a great catalyst for really taking care of yourself, which is not a bad thing! :)

Welcome Sab123! I am so glad you have taken the first step and joined our community. Bravo! That is the first step to taking care of yourself. As Adrial has said, it all gets better. When I first got the diagnosis, I was sort of in a fog. I really didn't know what herpes was and what it meant for my life and my sex life. Would I ever have sex again? Would anyone even want to be with me? Would I be celibate forever, rejected by the world? Would I ever feel whole and sexy again? I am happy to report that my life actually got better after herpes, believe it or not. The diagnosis was a catalyst for a lot of healing in my life. I had the chance to really examine my life and where I was at and take steps to heal a lot of what the virus shone a light on. For me, getting herpes brought up all the issues I had been struggling with. I took courses, attended the H Opportunity Weekend (which is AMAZING), reached out to this community and other herpes communities both on Facebook and in my own local area. Through all of that my life blossomed. My personal life has never been better. I have met the most amazing people, and have formed so many wonderful friendships. I even found my life partner as a result of having this virus! I have grown and become so much more confident and my sex life has never been better. So take heart my dear. It will get better. And given that you have reached out, it shows that you are the kind of person who will be able to make the very best of this virus and come out the other side even stronger, more confident and more awesome than you ever were!! I am so excited for you and the amazing journey you are on!! Brenda xo

mysecretlife, you are beautiful, worthy, lovable and so deserving of someone who accepts ALL of you, herpes, and all. I know it's not so easy to walk away from someone you have invested so much time and love into. I am not suggesting that you do, but I am saying make sure you make yourself your priority. What if nothing changes in his attitude towards you and herpes? In five years will you be glad you stayed? You can't argue with someone who is determined not to change their mind on an issue. All you can do is decide for yourself what you want, what you need and what you deserve in a relationship. There are millions of people out in this great planet who would be totally fine with you having herpes. What if he is out there waiting for you? It is very easy for me to sit behind my keyboard and tell you to ditch the guy and find someone who can really love and appreciate you and the gorgeous woman you are. I don't know you or your guy or your situation. You have to make a decision that you feel is best for you based on what you know right now. I am just throwing ideas out there and you can choose to consider them or not. As you have read on these forums, many of us have found partners who love and accept us, herpes, bad hair days, PMS bitchy moments and all. You deserve to be cherished, loved, accepted and appreciated for who you are. You have a great community here to love and support whatever decision you make and are here to help you work through your feelings as you do. Thank you so much for opening up to us and caring enough about yourself to really look at what is going on for you. I wish you more happiness than you can imagine! Hugs, Brenda xo

I agree with both you. Just because we have herpes doesn't change the fact that we deserve to be treated with love and respect. We do not have to "settle" because we have herpes. The same rules apply when dating - get to know someone and watch for the red flags. I think herpes has allowed us to really look at relationships and people more closely and bring our brains and our hearts to the table. :)

You have a wise friend Adrial. A relationship is a contract between two people. You can't have a contract without both signing it. I think with herpes we see a rejection so much more personally. Before herpes, I know for myself, a rejection was not so personal. Okay, maybe they just aren't into me, maybe they are looking for someone who has different personality traits, maybe they want a more serious/less serious relationship than I do. Maybe they want someone taller/shorter/smarter/hotter/dumber/thinner/whatever. I know for myself, once Herpes came on the scene my feeling of rejection was sort of "Oh, it's because I am a totally unworthy human being". Not, "Oh their preference is to be with someone who doesn't know whether they have herpes or not. Or maybe their rejection has nothing to do with herpes at all." I am almost back to my old self and can see that yeah, I'm not going to be for everyone and THAT'S OK. My preference is to have someone who can handle the fact that I have herpes and can handle all the other parts of me as well and can see that I am so much more than someone with herpes. And I need to get that being with someone who totally accepts all of me (as I accept myself....) is something so worth waiting for. It is such a waste to sit looking at the one person who doesn't get you/me when there are so many people out there who will! And I am now grateful for the filter called herpes who helps me see these things more clearly.

That is so awesome Katieanne! I really feel that herpes is a gift in a way because look at the sense of trust you two have now developed. He knows you will be open and honest with him, even if it is something that may potentially work out badly for you. You care about him enough to just tell him. He has shown that he also is trustworthy and really values YOU as a person. You never would have had that opportunity to forge that deeper connection without herpes. So yay herpes! LOL I wish you both all the very best!! Hugs, Brenda xxoo

Hi Northofteborder, Sorry, I am a bit late on this conversation, but I just wanted to reiterate what everyone has said above. I have recently met someone myself who is 6 years younger than me. And, like you, we had an amazing connection right from the start. I was also nervous telling him but decided that, hey, as my chiropractor so eloquently put it when I told him about how the Weekend and how people suffer from the stress of having herpes, it's "just a fucking skin condition". I waited until we had been out a few times to be sure it was even worth having the conversation, but after 3 or 4 dates I realized, yeah, I really like this guy and I can see the possibility of something really great. So, we had the chat. I had rehearsed it in my head a thousand times and when I finally did it, it was a lot more to the point than I had practiced, but I did follow up with the facts that it is a very common virus. It's been around since the Greeks. 20% of the population has it. 80% don't know they have it though which is why most people don't know how common it is. And doctors don't test for it, which they never tell you so most people assume if they had STD testing and it was clear, they don't have herpes. I also said that the chance of transmission with condoms, not having sex during an outbreak and taking meds is like 1% to 2% per year. I was calm, he was calm. He did his research and we are still seeing each other and enjoying every moment of it. We can talk about me having herpes casually if it comes up, but it's not an issue in our relationship and it's not something that hinders our moments of intimacy. I hope it goes well. If he rejects the herpes, then that is a preference, not a judgment on you. If nothing else, you have made him aware and he can know you were being transparent and in integrity. How many people have herpes and are afraid to tell their partner? Lots I am sure. You care enough about him to tell him everything. That builds a sense of trust right off the bat because he knows no matter how difficult something may be, you will be honest with him, even if you risk losing him. Wow. How attractive is that! Please let us know how it goes. :) Hugs, Brenda xo

OneDayAtATime, it looks like whether you have herpes or not, it has still had a positive impact on your life. How cool is that! Maybe you just needed that test to get you to where you are now, with the amazing man you are with. I am not a doctor either, but I have had impetigo as a teenager and it does present pretty close to herpes. I had it on my face, but it started as a blister and then burst. Who knows, but either, way, you have handled it and made the very best of it. It would be wonderful to know for sure for your partner's sake. Not having to worry about herpes would be a fabulous gift! Keep us posted! :)

What a beautiful post dilemmagirl. I think we have all asked ourselves countless times "why me". I know I have once or twice. It is so beautiful to read how you are processing through it and coming to the realizations of "why you" and the beautiful gifts it gave to you. I have heard a saying along the lines of sometimes life's gifts or God's blessings don't always come wrapped up the way you'd expect them to. Herpes is one of those that most of us would love to "return to sender" but looking back it has been the catalyst for making our lives so much richer and giving us the gift of ourselves. It has forced me to really recognize my gifts, recognize that dammit I AM lovable and "good enough" and it has opened my eyes to a whole new reality. I am expecting more for myself, learning to find my voice, am becoming much more confident and reaching for my dreams, allowing life to flow through me and expecting miracles. Like you, I was drifting along, choosing men that were absolutely wrong for me but fed my need to be needed and to prove my worthiness by completely self-abandoning and throwing all I had emotionally, financially and spiritually into "saving" them from themselves, all the while throwing myself under the bus. I have healed so many wounds, discovered wounds I didn't even see and have met such amazing people. And all because of herpes. Sounds like an ad for herpes! "Get herpes, change your life" :) Thank you so much for sharing your process and your journey. I am so excited for you and ellemell to see where this journey takes you both. You two truly inspire me!

Bravo Danielle!! I echo the thoughts of everyone else. I too can see why this guy is into you. You sound like such a lovely, intelligent, caring, down to earth person and who wouldn't fall in love. I think all of us have as well! It is normal for your guy to be surprised. Just like anything he didn't expect you to say, it's going to catch him off guard but that is all part of dating - getting to know each other, revealing parts of ourselves as we feel comfortable, and seeing what each of us brings to the table. Everyone has stuff. Dating is the great time where we get to know someone, find out their deepest parts and decide whether we can handle that perfectly imperfect person in front of us. If our broken parts fit together, then we are a match. No matter what happens, I would could this as a huge huge win. Congratulations to both of you! He's a smart and lucky man. Hugs, Brenda xo

Carlos, thank you for your well thought out post. I love how you express yourself. I would love to read the book you referred to. What is the name of it? And I agree that it does boil down to self worth in most if not all areas of our life. I too have seen the sense of lack and not feeling deserving in more than one area of my life. Herpes is a convenient place to hang all that stuff on to for many, myself included. I am, however, seeing it for the trick that it is. Before herpes my excuse was being overweight. I lost the weight and guess what - life was still the same and I viewed life the same. Contrary to the diet ads, my life did not miraculously change. Same with herpes - my life didn't suddenly go to hell because I got herpes. It was my attitude towards herpes and the interpretations I attached to it. Change the attitude and *voila*, the meaning of herpes changes. It is now my greatest teacher and ally. It has helped me heal, helped me make better choices in relationships (and Lord knows that needed an overhaul!) and has made me stop and really examine my life for the first time ever. Thank you Carlos and james for sharing your views on this issue. I always enjoy reading what you share and enjoy how your posts get me to really think and examine my own thoughts and beliefs. Hugs, Brenda xo

Welcome dilemmagirl. I am so sorry to hear all you have been through but so glad to hear you found a good doctor and also that you reached out here. Obviously you are willing to do what it takes for self-care which is fabulous. Ask as many questions as you like. We are all here to love and support you. I know from my own experience, it is awesome to have people to share your journey with who understand what you are dealing with and who can support you. Hugs, Brenda

james, you are awesome. I never would have guessed English was a second language for you and I LOVE your sense of humor and your outlook on life and herpes. You know, if we went around with the same angst about having cold sores, I am sure people would think we had lost our minds. Change locations to downstairs and suddenly people feel like life is over. My OBs are basically chicken pox marks in an uncomfortable location. The upside is that I can have an OB and no one knows. I am with you, herpes schmerpes. Whatever. In the grand scheme of things, it's a minor annoyance at best. Thanks so much for your perspective and humor.

sjj238, you never fail to amaze me my dear. I am so touched and inspired by your journey and how much strength you have. You reached out for help and did what you needed to do in order to take care of you. Wow! And look how far you have come in such a short time. I am so very proud of you and I know nothing will hold you back from accomplishing your dreams. You have faced herpes head on and used it to propel yourself even further ahead in your journey. You rock Chicklet. I can hardly wait to see where this new found confidence, healing and growth will take you. You are a true inspiration to anyone who is struggling right now. Look out world! :) Huge hugs!! Brenda xo

My grandma always used to say "No matter where you go, there you are". It is so true - I think that herpes is sort of that magnifying glass on all that we are trying to run away from. I know for myself, it has been that opportunity to stop and really look at all that I have been trying to run a hundred miles an hour to get away from. For the first time I have sat with my fears, my insecurities, my darkest parts of myself and really had a good look and started to work with them. I now see all that I had tried to run away from as a gift, as painful as some of it was and is. It was easier in the short term to shut down, turtle my feelings and run. It's universal though, no matter who we are. None of us want to get hurt and we all want to find the easy way to happiness. I am learning the only way to happiness is through the stuff I am trying to hide and run away from. I love Pema. She is so wise and has a way of saying things that ring so true for me.