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BetterInTime

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  1. Last time I posted on here was a good while ago, since then I've had my first disclosure which didn't go too bad I guess, it didn't go anywhere after that which I'm guessing is partly to do with the herpes. It is what it is, I guess. It's been a busy couple months, which is great. I've been up and about being productive with work and studying, etc. And I've always kind of accepted that because of the herpes and my general lack in success in relationships so far that to be honest I guess me and relationships aren't really going anywhere, and herpes being the cherry on the cake doesn't exactly add to my chances of success. I guess the most frustrating thing is flitting between the whole "I don't care" attitude, seing my "normal" friends in happy relationships, watching movies and TV shows where in the end other lonely, hard-done-by, fabulous women also get they're prince charming. To be bluntly honest, I'm a busy bee, l thrive off hard work, and having a chocker block schedule, but once all the hard work stops and I come back to a lonely space ....all I really feel is loneliness and sadness, and the daunting reality that herpes and just life in general could mean that this is it. There's some days that I can take all this in my stride and just say eff it, I'm a strong fabulously independent woman, being alone doesn't phase me as long as I have my career, my God and good friends and family.... but then there's other days where as pathetic as it sounds I just want a cuddle. I know all of this is/isn't directly herpes related, but the point I'm trying to make is before herpes, I kind of had the comfort of knowing that this loneliness won't last forever. I'm a realist, yeah great, I could be one of these people who has successul disclosures and meets Mr. Right who accepts and values me regardless and makes me believe in love again....and they all live happily ever after, but then I like to have an awareness for the reality that I might never meet someone that accepts me and this disease that comes with me. Now, like some of the people posting about being alone for 9 to 20 years, I guess I'm just scared that this is it. It's a mixture of fear, sadness and loneliness that I just can't shake.
  2. I just feel like it's hard enough meeting a good guy when things are simple, let alone when things are this complicated, and I'm an honest person, and always have been but all people have ever done is taken advantage of that, and no one has returned the favour (partly what has landed me with the disease), I think at the minute the uncertainty about my future, and having no one who gets what this is like, is adding to my fears about my future relationships with guys, with my family, friends, And I still can't help but wish I could go back and do it all over again and take it back.
  3. I found out literally a week ago that I have herpes, I'm new to this stuff so I'm not quite sure which one. I had 2 days where I just shut myself off and....cried, then realised really that life goes on. I don't have an exhaustive sexual history, and I've always been careful, I've just rolled with ignorant guys....So initially I couldn't help but think, why me? And being a christian I think God was trying to send me a message about my recent "escapades" with guys and to know that I have more to offer beyond just sex. I've had commitment issues, and self-esteem issues for years and I think this happening to me has kind of FORCED ME to acknowledge my self worth, and to not settle for guys using me just because I don't like being alone. My first steps are to get to know as much as I can about the disease, and to be comfortable with being alone because it's probably going to be a long time til I meet someone who will accept me with herpes (it was hard enough finding someone to accept me without, let alone with herpes). I just want re-assurance on the fact that relationships and sex are not a thing of the past for me, and the hardest hurdle of all ... telling my parents.
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