Last time I posted on here was a good while ago, since then I've had my first disclosure which didn't go too bad I guess, it didn't go anywhere after that which I'm guessing is partly to do with the herpes. It is what it is, I guess.
It's been a busy couple months, which is great. I've been up and about being productive with work and studying, etc. And I've always kind of accepted that because of the herpes and my general lack in success in relationships so far that to be honest I guess me and relationships aren't really going anywhere, and herpes being the cherry on the cake doesn't exactly add to my chances of success.
I guess the most frustrating thing is flitting between the whole "I don't care" attitude, seing my "normal" friends in happy relationships, watching movies and TV shows where in the end other lonely, hard-done-by, fabulous women also get they're prince charming. To be bluntly honest, I'm a busy bee, l thrive off hard work, and having a chocker block schedule, but once all the hard work stops and I come back to a lonely space ....all I really feel is loneliness and sadness, and the daunting reality that herpes and just life in general could mean that this is it.
There's some days that I can take all this in my stride and just say eff it, I'm a strong fabulously independent woman, being alone doesn't phase me as long as I have my career, my God and good friends and family.... but then there's other days where as pathetic as it sounds I just want a cuddle. I know all of this is/isn't directly herpes related, but the point I'm trying to make is before herpes, I kind of had the comfort of knowing that this loneliness won't last forever.
I'm a realist, yeah great, I could be one of these people who has successul disclosures and meets Mr. Right who accepts and values me regardless and makes me believe in love again....and they all live happily ever after, but then I like to have an awareness for the reality that I might never meet someone that accepts me and this disease that comes with me. Now, like some of the people posting about being alone for 9 to 20 years, I guess I'm just scared that this is it. It's a mixture of fear, sadness and loneliness that I just can't shake.