in_need_of_help

@ivoryrain Yes breathe :) Good advice, think I've been holding mine for a while! Thanks for your kind words. @WCSDancer2010 Yes, I knew you would say that, I've seen you say that before and I know you're right, just easy to get clouded. It's not the H it's the dishonesty that's killing me now. Thank you, just needed a nudge in the right direction. So...time to fix the mess, I would do just about anything to rewind time. Massive lesson learnt!!! For anyone who's unsure about whether they will be ok not disclosing, don't do it! So not worth risking someone else.....

So I need some advice please....I broke the cardinal rule of dating with H - sex without disclosing. I completely hate myself and can't stop crying! I never thought I would do it and need to fix it but I'm not sure how? I was diagnosed about 8 months ago with exceptionally mild symptoms, I've been on daily suppressive meds ever since and have never had another symptom. My partner at the time (and possible giver) reacted horribly, we split up and I was crushed, not a good first experience. The words and support from many of you on this site helped me through that very tough time! I then met someone on a dating site for people with H and we had a great few months together as H was never an issue. So....now I'm newly back in the dating pool. I'd been chatting to a guy that I met online for about a month, and we met up on the weekend. He's newly out of a long term relationship and not after anything serious, which was fine with me too. We hit it off so incredibly well and have so much in common, we were both surprised at how well we clicked. I never intended on letting it go so far, but it just happened naturally. As I said I'm on daily meds and haven't had any O/Bs and we did use condoms, so I know the chance of transmission is very low. Now I feel truly terrible, he's such a great guy, he's been messaging me loads and wants to see me again this week. Despite wanting only a casual thing there is an undeniable connection. While I know you can't know what someone else's reaction will be, I'm sure he will not want to take the risk giving he's not looking for a serious committed relationship. However, I know he's entitled to make that decision knowing the facts and deserves the truth. I was hoping for some advice from anyone who's been in this situation, or from someone who's been on the other side? Words to use, reactions to expect? I would really value any input. I know it's cowardly but I was considering just telling him casual isn't for me and breaking it off. I guess I can deal with the fact that he probably won't want to see me again, even though that's hard, but I just don't want him to hate me. And please be gentle with me, nothing anyone could say could make me feel worse....

Yeah that is definitely good to hear! Thanks for sharing :)

Ha, the H wingman certainly has! And WCSDancer2010, you're right, living with someone that egocentric day to day would get exhausting. This probably wouldn't be the worst thing we'd face as a couple and if he's a selfish jerk about this then I can only imagine if it was a really bad situation. I will definitely send him the info once he has a chance to calm down. He's doing his research and I guess coming to terms with it in his own way, but I can't picture him letting himself be vulnerable and open enough to disclose to someone. I think he'd just rather use condoms and take the risk and walk when he ruins someone's life. Although who knows, maybe he'll grow a conscience somewhere along the way. I've heard a lot of success stories Angelina, your confidence is probably a huge factor for you. I'm still not comfortable enough to tell my friends let alone a new partner, but I guess one day I'll get there. I know I'm not going to put anyone at risk knowingly, I couldn't live with that weight on my shoulders!

Thanks for the info!! And for reassuring me he didn't get it from me :) I'll wait a bit and then send them to him, although I doubt he will read any of it. I told him that his doctor is woefully misinformed and there is an 8% chance of an asymptomatic male passing HSV2 to a female through unprotected sex and a 4% chance when using condoms. I said female to male is half that and I would NEVER knowingly pass this on to someone given how I felt when I found out. I've also been crystal clear that I don't hold him responsible, I will never know who gave it to me and I want to support him now that he's tested positive. His main concern and what is upsetting him so much is that he now can't have one-night stands with a clear conscience??!! Gee thanks. He's very attractive and personable so picking up girls has always been very easy for him (ahem, case in point). He has his head in the sand and is in complete denial and instead of this making us stronger it's just shown me how truly arrogant and selfish he is. I've told him to get educated before putting anyone at risk but he thinks I'm trying to scare him into staying with me. I actually don't want anything more to do with him. I finished the conversation by saying that I would respect his privacy and just tell everyone it didn't work out and leave it at that and have asked him to respect mine. I am certain that the next person he infects will be a hell of a lot less forgiving. It's a horrible situation but at least I'm on the right road and I've found all the support I need here!! x

I'm so grateful to have found this site and to everyone on here who is strong enough to share their stories. All of us have experienced ultimate lows and ultimate highs, but we've all faced them and survived. It's amazing how a few words from a total stranger can change your outlook!! Thanks for sharing everyone :)

Brilliant! Big picture - important to get out of your own head. Thanks for the link

Hi @WCSDancer2010, thanks so much for your inspirational message, I've read a lot of your posts over the past few days and they have helped so much! Everything you say is true and I see glimpses of it being fine, I know it will be with a little time. I actually had an epiphany on the way to work this morning, as much as I hate having this, it's the first time I've allowed myself to be this vulnerable to someone - I usually keep my cards very close to my chest and sex has been something that I take for granted early in my relationships. I've read how people say disclosure weeds out the bad partners and builds stronger relationships, and to be honest I thought that was just mumbo jumbo to make everyone feel better (no offence, I was in a bad place!), but I actually think that's right. Sure I'll get rejected but there will be someone out there who doesn't think it's a big deal and we will have a stronger more positive relationship because of it. And believe me, I know I will feel like crap all over again, it's a rollercoaster, but it was nice to get to this place today :) So....update for anyone playing along: My bf just told me he's tested positive for antibodies of HSV2 and is angry as hell (not surprisingly). He says he still wants to be with me, not because of this but because he really likes me. Although, he said his doctor told him it's no big deal and he's fine seeing he hasn't had any outbreaks that he won't pass it on to any future partners (if we break up) so long as he doesn't have any flare ups??!!! Denial and misinformation!! I told him that's absolutely not true and he needs to be honest with future people because he can pass it on....(and may have done so to me! - not that I said that, staying away from the blame game). He's furious and now saying I could've given it to him and I shouldn't tell him what he can and can't do and thinks I'm only saying this to convince him to stay with me?! I should also mention that he works away 4 out of 5 weeks so I won't actually see him for another month now. I know he's a typical red-blooded Aussie male out of touch with his feelings and I know how angry he is, I've been there, but I wasn't expecting this. Admittedly he probably didn't want to hear home truths today and we're not in the same town so I can't physically support him, but seriously? I will give him time for the dust to settle and see where we are at, but I am certainly starting to appreciate the "weeding out of bad people" sentiment :)

Thanks for sharing, this is a really fantastic story. Congrats to you both! :)

Thanks so much for your replies Willow and Tallboy38! It definitely makes me feel better knowing that there are other people out there who have been through it. It sucks that so many people have this and if the social stigma was removed it would be easy to talk about and get support - in fact you wouldn't need support as you wouldn't feel like such an outcast! I feel like I'm wallowing and I get mad at myself for it, I mean it's not life-threatening, but then I think about the future that's ahead of me and I get so sad and angry. I'll read up on the link you sent Willow.....and maybe some of the inspirational stories :) Tallboy38 you are 100% correct on needing to talk about it. Unfortunately none of my beautiful family live in Australia and I can't drop this bombshell over the phone. I know they would be amazing but I need to do this in person...and I think I'll need a cuddle when I do it! I have wonderful friends and I know I will be able to share it with a few of them, but I think I need to get to grips with it a bit first. Once it's out there, it's out there. Thanks again to both of you, you really have helped me not to feel so alone :)

So I found out last week that I'm positive for HSV2. I was shocked to find out as my first outbreak was pretty mild and felt like no more than a bladder infection and I felt a bit run down. I almost didn't even go to the doctor (wish I hadn't). I didn't have the painful lesions so I count myself lucky. Physically, if that is as bad as it gets I can live with it. But then comes the emotional bit.....I've been seeing a guy for about 8 weeks and when I told him he naturally freaked out because 1) he may have it and have passed it on to me unknowingly, or 2) he's negative and I'm not. He's never had a symptom and had just had a full STD blood screen (obviously without HSV as they don't test for it) two weeks ago so I could go on the pill and we could stop using condoms. He was honest with me and said if his blood test for HSV2 comes back negative he won't be able to keep seeing me as he just doesn't want to take the risk. To be honest, I don't blame him as I'm not sure if I would, even though I've educated myself on the risks. We have talked about low transmission rates, etc and I've asked him to talk to the doc when he gets his results, but fact remains - positive he stays (and we deal with the pain that he probably gave it to me); negative he goes and I'm single with an STD. So it's a bit of a double whammy here - I'm dealing with finding out I have a lifelong STD that I could potentially pass to others and the only person I've told is going to leave if he's negative. I'm too scared to tell my friends and family, even though I'm sure they would be supportive, I just can't face putting it out there. There is such a huge stigma attached to herpes in Australia. I'm sure everyone on here has felt like this and I know it's not a death sentence, but man it sure feels like it. I just can't stop crying and I feel completely alone. I can't even face eating (I've dropped about 4 kgs in a week and I'm not a big girl), but I'm putting on a brave face at work and with my friends so no-one knows....it's exhausting actually. I just can't come to terms with the fact that from now and forever I have to disclose this to people and deal with the rejection. If someone who's spent 6 weeks with me and really likes me can't handle it, how on earth could I expect someone to deal with it after a few dates?? Can anyone give me some tips on how to handle this?? I really need some support and honest insight. My doc said it's not really a big deal and if a guy is in to you it shouldn't really matter to him. While it made me feel better to hear it, she clearly she doesn't have herpes and dating in Australia...