My Story
For me, at 22 years of age, I subconsciously and unintentionally shut myself off from relationships. Getting close or intimate with another person was not an option as I had already dealt with way too much tragedy in my life. I focused on college, work and other life goals, but, I always dreamed that one day I’d meet that perfect person and everything would just fall into place. Fast forward 12 years. Just this past Februaury I thought I met him. Although we were just acquaintances, he was someone that I knew and trusted.
We began dating in February and then a month later we had sex. I hadn’t had sex in 12 years. Yes, there were boyfriends prior to him (although not many) and even intimacy, but, no sex. I wanted to wait til I found the right person.
Regrettably, we didn’t have the STD talk prior to having sex, not that he would’ve disclosed anything or knew he had anything to disclose. I knew (or assumed) I was clean since I hadn’t been with someone in so long and I had never shown symptoms of anything prior to now.
We didn’t use a condom the first time. Stupid I know. Most of the other times we did, but, there were a few other times that we did not as well.
Just a few short weeks after having sex for the first time I began having issues down under. It started off as UTI symptoms. Severe itching and burning. And then it became so painful that I couldn’t sit or get comfortable. I even woke up in the night feeling pain. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, but, everything I did hurt.
We didn’t have sex during this time because I knew something was wrong. When I went to the gyno she took one look at me down there and said it was Herpes. The lesion was so badly infected that it was oozing and pus filled. She took a culture and that was one of the most painful things I have ever experienced.
I told my BF that I had gone to the Dr. I told him that I had a bad infection down there, but, was waiting on the results. He was very sweet and understanding…and seemed worried. When I got the culture results, I was devastated. I was HSV-2 positive. HSV-1 test came back negative.
I was so worried about telling my BF cause I didn’t want him to think differently of me, but, I just knew that he had to have been the one to give it to me. We talked about it and at first he denied that it could be him cause he said he had been tested 5 months prior and was negative. He did, however, finally tell me that he was HSV-1 positive. This I didn’t know about.
For me, I wasn’t really mad at him at the time. We talked it over and he kept trying to convince me that it was me. That I may have had this prior to him and didn’t know. He said it may have just lived dormant within me and then since I had just gotten a bad UTI (also recovered from a kidney infection in February), maybe it triggered the virus due to stress on my body. I thought that was unlikely, but, I didn’t discard it since I hadn’t been tested in forever (since I was not sexually active) and since the information I had been reading said that it was possible that the virus lays dormant and sometimes you don’t even know you have it.
It took a couple weeks before I would have sex again. Of course we used a condom after that. It never really was the same for me though. I felt dirty. And I definitely wouldn’t let him go down on me, even without an OB going on as I was worried about him getting it too.
I made him go to the Dr. and get tested. And I later got a blood test. His test now came back positive. My blood test came back negative.
For me, this proved that I didn’t have this prior to him. And the fact that his test was now positive meant that he did have this already. My BF was very defensive and even ‘called his Dr.’ to clarify a few things and he wouldn’t take blame for giving this to me. Not that I wanted to blame him, but, I wanted him to know that I didn’t have this before him. Ultimately, he still wanted to be with me and I still wanted to be with him.
A couple months past and other issues in the relationship (once again related to trust and honesty) led to a breakup.
So here I am. After 12 years of celibacy and waiting for Mr. Right, I end up alone, with Herpes, and feeling broken. I’ve had a hard time getting close to guys in the past due to losses in my life. And now I feel as though this is one more obstacle for me. At 34 years old, I already felt like my time was running out to find someone to spend my life with…for a family. But now, I feel like this has sealed the deal and that I will be alone forever. For a usually pretty optimistic person, this is a hard reality for me to face. I know things will get better. I know I will eventually change my outlook on the H situation, but, right now it’s too hard and too fresh.
I have had two more possible outbreaks since March, both came with my period. I started medication early enough with both to prevent any major issues, but, I feel as though things just haven’t really been the same with my lady parts since. I’m taking L-Lysine and probiotics daily, plus popping anti-virals when I feel the need. I’ve considered suppressive therapy, but, I have never been one to take a lot of medication so I’m gonna try it the natural way first. If things start to get worse I may change my mind. If, God willing, I meet someone that accepts me the way I am, then I will begin suppressive therapy at that time.
From what I understand, once I hit that 6month to 1 year mark, my body should have built up enough antibodies to help fight the OB’s better. Can’t wait for that.
Since my H diagnosis I have spent countless hours on the net researching and educating myself. I was so relieved to find this forum. It has been helpful to know that there are others with similar stories to mine. And I am thankful to have someone out there who will listen without judgment.
So my story doesn’t come with a lot of questions (right now anyway). It just feels good almost therapeutic to put it out there. And also hopefully others reading will know they are not alone either.
~S
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