I was just diagnosed under a month ago with HSV 1 on my vagina. I was devastated to say the least. I spent 2 weeks in bed crying before and after the confirmation came through. I felt like a leper and that my life was over. After reading about the virus and A LOT of these forums I have made “peace” with it as much as I can at the moment.
I had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship about 2-3 months ago. We were not using condoms (I was on the pill) and he never exhibited any symptoms, and neither did I. Now here’s where it gets a bit complicated. I was having a UTI that just didn’t want to go away since about May. I wasn’t however exhibiting any symptoms of one (I have had one before and they are annoying so I would have known). The way I found out was by doing my yearly checkup blood work and urine sample. Now I found out about my alleged “UTI” just before going away for a few months and wasn’t able to take care of it before I left. Stupid on my part yes, but I thought it was just a false result because I was on period when I did my urine test (which I use tampons for but still), I thought maybe some tiny speck got into the sample and messed up the results. Also I was having noooo symptoms. I came back after my trip and things completely fell apart with my ex. We broke it off, I got off the pill and started getting horrible cramping which after doing a bit of reading was possibly being caused by “hormonal withdrawal” from getting off the pill… anyways the cramping got so bad and annoying that I was considering going back on the pill. I went to the doctor and did another urine sample and turned out there was more blood in my urine. I was put on a 2 week course of antibiotics. 3 weeks after the symptoms returned and I went back on a much stronger course of 3 days. It went away finally.. about a week after I had a casual sexual encounter with a friend. We used protection. About 3-4 days after my encounter, actual UTI symptoms (burning and such that I could notice) started to occur BUT I also noticed “sores” on my vagina and started to panic a bit after I did a bit of googling (I’m a googler). I thought it was the UTI back again + a shaving accident. Went to the walk-in.. they did not want to give me any more antibiotics but did give me an antibiotic cream (without a pelvic exam may I add) and what was I supposed to do? Just live with blood in my urine??? I went to the hospital and did proper testing… anyways I was thinking that maybe all these “UTIs” and antibiotics (along with a shaving accident) made my immune system low and just the perfect opportunity for infection.
As soon as I started panicing and got tested. I knew something was wrong. Like I said I was sobbing every day before and after finding out the results. NOW I’m “OKAY” with the results. It is a shame that there is such a horrible stigma behind it. I think it has something to do with the way the virus is spread – there is some kind of stigma that makes you look like a dirty slut that sleeps around. Don’t get me wrong I am no “angel”.. I have had my share of (protected) casual encounters, but I am no slut (and I know I don’t have to explain myself here because from what I gather majority of you on this site fall into this category). And by the way, unfortunately I was one of those people who thought H was the worst thing is the world, and only “dirty sluts” got it.
I couldn’t take the idea that I was losing out on life – or at least that’s how I felt. I couldn’t bare thinking that no one would want to be with me anymore. I broke and told my ex because I wanted to know that someone somewhere might still want me. Now that back fired because I wasn’t thinking straight and was being selfish in my reasoning for telling him. I was also concerned a bit from where I could have possibly got it from (since we were having unprotected sex for years) and angry at the thought that maybe he was a carrier and didn’t know or didn’t tell me. I don’t know. I was going crazy. He accused me of cheating (which I never did) and was devastated that I could move on so quickly (possibly ruining any chances for us to ever reconcile). For me it wasn’t necessarily “quick” to move on… we were having issues for a while and I was getting frustrated. I love him, but am not in love with him anymore… Anyways he got tested, and the other person got tested. So far my ex is negative, and the other person is still waiting on the results but has exhibited no symptoms.
The reason for this long winded post is I needed to get it off my chest. AND also as much as I’m okay with it and get that there will be someone out there who will accept me for me and so on.. I feel cut off from the world of casual encounters. I’m not looking for a relationship right now. I can’t handle one at the moment (it’s been a fucked up month to say the least). But how do I tell someone who I’m thinking about going casual with? Do I tell them before kissing because it is HSV 1 (I wasn’t tested but I think I might have had a few sores in my throat)- the doctor who did the swab of my vagina sad it just looked like a sore throat (then again, he did say the sores on my vagina looked like a shaving accident – because I thought they were since I did have one).
Anyways besides all my casual sex questions, I just feel the need for a bit of support and just a “don’t worry it’s not that bad”. Also I can’t stand the idea that I practically have to put my life on hold for a year or 2 to see how I react and how many times I break out. I am a bit more aware of my vagina now and pay more attention to sharp pains or sensitivity and tingling. I check myself twice a day… and.. (yes excessive) wash my vagina wearing gloves now because I don’t want to spread anything to my hands, face or anywhere else by accident since I have read that spreading it to other parts of your body is possible.
I feel like this whole thing is one big guessing game where I’ll just have to wait and see.. and that’s annoying me.. and again, what do I do about casual encounters now? I can’t stand the thought of being rejected. (and at the same time I really am turned off from sex altogether – but the time will come where I will need a little lovin’).