Hi everyone,
This is my first time posting to the site, though I've been closely following so many of your stories for some time. Let me first express how inspired I am by all you brave souls out there. I have been so touched by your strength and your vulnerability; two words I have learned are NOT mutually exclusive. In fact, they are synonymous.
My story in a nutshell. I'm 25 years old and I have had GHSV2 for nearly two years. Though I've had time to process this and extract the silver linings (yes, there are silver linings!), I would be lying if I said the words genital herpes don't still make me flinch. I got it from a young, beautiful surfer dude while I was living in Australia. Though he claimed he did not know he had it, his behaviour suggested otherwise. I remember getting the doctor's call like it was five minutes ago. My eyes wide, my hand covering my mouth, paralyzed, shaking, silenced, stunned. My world flipped upside down in an instant. I know so many of you can share in that painful moment with me. Herpes split me wide open. It percolated down into the furthest reaches of my being and challenged my self-concept and my self-esteem.
Fast forward. Dare I say I am now thankful for this experience? Don't get me wrong, if there was an easy button I could press to change my situation, I wouldn't hesitate. But herpes helped me realize how fragile my perceived self-worth was. And it forced me to look within, really look within, and connect with all kinds of aspects of myself that are separate from my sexual identity. Turns out I have a lot to offer. And in time, I've come to understand that herpes does not diminish that.
Ok. So. I met a guy. He is sensational. We've been hanging out for about a month. I've expressed that I like to wait a while before having sex, but our chemistry is so natural and electric, that the lack of intimacy is beginning to seem odd. I've written him a letter which I plan on giving him tonight when he comes over. I know some of you may discourage me disclosing in writing but I want to make sure my delivery is clear. I will be with him when he reads it so that there is an opportunity for dialogue afterwards.
I figured I would share my letter here. For one, I'd love some feedback but I also thought this might help other people who are in a similar situation.
Mark,
I want to start this letter off by telling you how much I’ve enjoyed getting to know you these last weeks. It has been a whirlwind of emotions for me as you’ve come along and truly surpassed all my expectations. You make me feel so at ease with your kindness, your attentiveness and your constant laughter.
It is out of care for you that I need to share something important with you. Please know the amount of vulnerability I am feeling at this moment is beyond words. I will keep this letter brief, as I do want to have a conversation. I just felt it would be easier for me to clearly communicate this with you in writing. Please bare with me as I’ve never had to do this before.
Shortly after I started dating Justin, I found out that he gave me HSV-2, more commonly known as the herpes virus. If your lack of knowledge about herpes is anything close to what mine was when I was diagnosed, you are likely feeling panicked and scared. Most of my beliefs about the virus were saturated in ignorance, shame and widespread stigma. So I understand how you feel and I want to give you as much space as you need to digest this and to get properly informed.
The first thing I want you to know is that you will not automatically contract the virus by being with me. In fact, we can still have a normal and fulfilling sex life, as there are an infinite number of ways to be safe. Here are some stats that may relieve some of your anxiety.
One in seven people have genital herpes. Among that population, eighty percent don’t actually know they have it. Women are more than twice as likely to get herpes than men, with women having a ten percent chance of getting it, and men only having a four percent chance of getting. The use of condoms slashes that number in half, and the additional use of suppressive therapies cuts the risk in half once more. Therefore, with proper precautions, women to men transmission falls to one percent. To put that in to perspective, you have a higher chance of dying in a car accident this year than getting HSV2 from me.
The more I learn about the virus, the more I understand that ultimately, it is nothing more than a manageable, harmless, and common skin condition. It is no different than cold sores (which eighty percent of people have), except that our society insists on stigmatizing anything sexual.
I know this information is a lot to take in. I can tell you a lot more and do my best to answer your questions. I have had more than a year to sit with this and it is still an ongoing healing process. It has taken time to feel sexy again and worthy of connection. Now, I can appreciate, in some way, that this has taught me to be more open-minded, more sensitive and more loving towards myself and others.
One of the first nights you spent in my bed, you said that you love how I’m not afraid to express how I feel. I want you to know that that is a testament to the kind of person you are. You so effortlessly disarm me and make me feel safe. Your mom truly raised an incredible human being.
I can’t predict what you will choose to do, but I know at the very least, you will be kind and respectful of the fact that this is a deeply personal struggle for me. I have not even confided in my closest friends about this. My hope is that you are willing to stick around and work around this because I feel we could be destined for greatness, you and I. But if you decide this is too scary for you, I can understand that and I won’t be mad. Once upon a time, someone didn’t give me the choice to make an informed decision.
I’m sorry if the timing of this letter seems wrong. I think you and I can both agree that things have moved quickly and so it’s been difficult to gauge when to bring this up. I wrote this letter two weeks ago but a part of me so desperately wanted to keep enjoying you and learning about you. However, we are reaching a point where the lack of intimacy is confusing.
In my fear of rejection, I have sometimes considered walking away. But I’ve realized that the pain of ending this without knowing what could have been is far greater than the pain of you potentially backing out, knowing the whole truth.
So there it is.
The last thing I want to say to you is that opening up to someone about this has been the single most important piece to my healing journey thus far and I am beyond grateful for that. So regardless of the outcome, I want to thank you for surrounding me with this loving space where I felt inspired and brave enough to be honest. I’m not sure you will ever understand how much that has meant to me.
Yikes! OK PEOPLE. I will try and update tomorrow. Fingers crossed so tight. Thanks again to all of you for nourishing me with your strength and courage. My spirit is strong and full of love.
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