Heartofgold

Orngpeelmafia -- awesome name, I would love to know it's origins! Thank you, thank you, ten times thank you. I know I will come out on the other side battered and bruised but better -- alliteration! My confusion and anger can be derived from the "meh" attitude of medical professionals. If they were concerned about the emotional toll, they would take the textbook, health class, scared straight element out of contraction. Whose genitalia truly swells up like a swarm of wasps stung it? Or looks like run over road kill. I really want to change the attitude of those that are not H+, but the platform does not exist mainstream without the scarlet letter "H" but it starts somewhere right?!? It is truly a skin ailment that is a nuance and nothing more; you won't die and the stigma is worse than the actual condition. Talking through this in the last few hours has been so therapeutic. I've dealt with this on my own. No family, no friends have been told due to the shame. I am the family member nuclear and otherwise that has been used as the bar for all others to meet, the oldest sibling, the smart one, the favorite, comely, successful. How the universe knocks you down a couple of pegs. Sadly, I wish I believed the hype; I'm envious of my younger sister, I think she is the bees knees, I want to be like her -- go figure. I miss the days of singing and dancing, laughing, appreciating the advances of the opposite sex, flirting, smiling. I dread the day I have to acknowledge to someone without anonymity I am HSV II positive. I can and will do it, I like me and the opposite sex too much to be a recluse. I can get through this, but I need help.

Thank you for the response, I have actually seen your posts on medhelp and frankly, not your posts, but the post of others have diminished my hope that this is a false positive. I have read the articles, I have done the research -- nonstop -- and the more I read, the more I feel as thought I am tumbling down a rabbit hole. I want to yell at the top of my lungs at the medical community that not testing in the general population if you have no symptoms is an awful idea. Damn the costs. The emotional toll is enough to drive someone insane when they are in my boat. If you want to kill the stigma, perform the tests. If it was common knowledge the risks of exposure, and actual population living with HSV I & II maybe "...and now I have herpes..." wouldn't be a punchline. My physician called me in for a follow up after our phone conversation because she was worried about my state of mind. Her words of comfort, "this is not an ailment of the promiscuous...someone who is educated will understand" didn't help. How many people are educated, let alone will understand? I can say sincerely that prior to diagnosis if I were to meet a fantastic individual who was positive, I would humbly decline. With that honesty with myself, how can I expect someone who didn't already love me to be willing to overlook it. Time heals all wounds, and mine are fresh. A year from now I may be posting anecdotal stories of self actualization and positive affirmations, but right now I've slipped into the anger phase of healing, again. I took precautions, I asked questions, I inspected (you can be sexy and do this!) I can pull my medical history up online, I asked to be tested together because I wanted to give myself freely and you the same -- more in the protection of me, but you get it -- and just like the Latin root of the word herpes -- boy is this one a creeper. It will creep up and bite you before you have a chance to make deals and plead on bended knee that I'll never be irresponsible again. But that's just it, I was responsible. I got tested and demanded the same of my partner. Full panel is not full panel, HSV testing is not necessary in the absence of symptoms -- gotcha!

Greetings, I am a 31 year old woman who 6 weeks ago was diagnosed with HSV II via blood test. I had no reason to believe I was positive, but noticed during my last "full" panel screening during my annual that I was not and tested and requested it. Well, as it would happen I'm positive and experienced an onslaught of emotions ranging from anger, to sadness, to faux-acceptance, and still no outbreak! The waiting has to be the worst. I requested suppressive meds from my doctor, but she said that by taking the meds, given that I haven't had an outbreak may lead to an outbreak -- seriously! My test result of 1.62 it would indicate a recent exposure, but my last sexual encounter was fully protected with no malfunctions at 9 weeks prior to testing. I realize this means nothing, especially if the individual I was intimate with was asymptomatically shedding, or a lesion was present outside of the condom -- I thought I checked thoroughly. Even now as I type there are so many things that I want to say, but want to keep it brief yet informative and hopefully someone in my position can shed light, and perhaps give insight on the condition, especially when asymptomatic. To add a layer to my emotional game of jenga, I have abruptly cut off the gentleman I was dating - who by the way is phenomenal and he thinks the same of me. We communicate via text, email or phone almost everyday, but I have declined to see him due to my returning to graduate school and I am swamped with assignments and readings *wink, wink*. I cannot bear to see the look on his face when if tell him, and it breaks my heart every time we converse because all I can see are my dreams of a life with him dashed. He is a man I can love and build a life with; amazing in so many ways. He gets me, and I get him but I don't want to give him this. The emotional toll it has rocked me, before this I was young, vibrant, beautiful, in good shape, intelligent, ambitious, and funny; now I drink too much, can barely muster a greeting and don't care to leave the house, with the exception of work and occasionally the gym. I know I will get through this because I'm not too keen on the other option; I just need to know that I will be okay and I will have love from another. I don't feel dirty or useless, just sad that my prospects in dating have been significantly reduced -- and some would say that's a blessing. I'm not seeing it yet. *Heavy sighs*