adrianm

Alright, well I had the woman I'm dating over for dinner at my home last night. Things went well, although I could tell she was quite nervous about what I was going to say, though she put her best face on it. I said, listen, you don't have anything to fear from me. I mean, I will never treat you with indignity or disrespect. I would never do that. You are "safe" with me. I also told her that, at least for the time being, I would like to see how things develop over the coming weeks and months. I would rather do that than come to some very quick, hard-and-fast decisions about where this relationship is going right now. I want good things to happen for both of us. Now, getting used to "H"--as people seem to be calling it--would definitely take some time. But I am an educated and intelligent person, and practically as a rule when someone tells me what the "received" wisdom or "most common" opinion is on a subject, I immediately greet that opinion with robust skepticism and scrutiny, for the simple reason that almost everything people commonly believe, is wrong. And I told her that one of the most despicable and grotesque human traits is that of judgment, particularly judgment of those who have suffered misfortune. I cannot and will never understand why, when something unfortunate happens, people are by and large led to judge a person for such misfortune, when empathy, compassion, and consideration is what is most called for. She was happy. We'll see how things go.

Yes, I suppose, I should be honest. Although I feel like my response will be disappointing to her because it will just push the issue further into the future. I don't know. It's just sad, because this issue intersects all the tectonic fault lines of my own psychology. I am lucky enough never to have been born with, or acquired, a stigmatizing condition, but I am still so very sensitive to rejection. My whole life is based on doing things to minimize all possibility of rejection, even at the expense of taking risks and "getting out there" and meeting new people. I am very insular, introspective, and withdrawn. My family has noted this throughout the years with great concern. My mother thinks there is a void in me. Perhaps she is right. But I know that being with someone, and being able to love and be loved by them, would help me. I just don't know how to get over the inbuilt limitations of my own view of the world and relationships to make it happen.

Alright, so I've been seeing this woman for about, what, a month and a half? She's been taking things slow with me, which I like, because I'm definitely not the type of guy to rush into things, emotionally or even physically. It takes me longer than most to get to a point where I trust another person and feel comfortable with them. But things were going well. Two nights ago, she opens up to me, and starts off by telling me that she likes me very much and she feels safe with me, and she thinks we "have a future" (her words). I'm happy about all of this, and I think I feel the same about her, even though, as I said, it takes me a while to warm up to new people. Then she starts talking about how crucial communication and honestly are for her, and I agree yes of course that is central. Long story short, she tells me "Adrian, I have genital herpes." She goes on to tell me about how it's "one of the most common" sexually transmitted infections, and that it isn't serious from a medical standpoint, and that aside from outbreaks, there are no complications from it. I am listening to her, trying to keep up eye contact, and listen, just listen, to what she is saying. She gets done talking and asks me if I have any questions, but at that point, I am kind of shocked and sit there in silence. Now, please understand that herpes is something I've never had to think about before in my life. I've gotten STD checks, and I had one 8 months ago after my last partner, and yes, I told them to include a herpes test. Everything was negative. The truth is, I was a little embarrassed by my reaction, even though I imagine that surprise is normal for a lot of people. The truth is, I felt sad, just very sad. I'm a naturally shy and reserved person, and I don't go out on as many dates as other men my age. I feel good about this woman--her name is Michelle--but I don't know what to do. I mean, yes, I like her. But I also am very proud of my good health, and I want to stay healthy. From the little research I did, yes, it does truly seem like genital herpes is not a medically serious thing. But what happens if it doesn't work out between us? What happens if I stay with her, and then 5 or 6 years down the road, we decide to break up, but I contracted herpes from her in the meantime? Then I'm going to have the exact same conversation with all of my future partners that she had with me two nights ago? My point is, I don't quite know yet where this relationship is going, and her disclosure is forcing me to come to some quick answers about how I feel right now, instead of just letting things take their natural course and see how my feelings develop. I want to get in contact with her by tomorrow, the latest, but I'm unsure what to say. I think that, at bottom, I would just want to wait and see how things develop, instead of rushing to a definite "yes" or "no." Is that so unreasonable?