j_avalon

A poem I wrote reflecting on my journey: Herpes. One word. A thousand thoughts. An invitation for her deepest insecurities to rise to the top. What is her worth? As a woman, as a human, as a being on this earth. A virus, not a threat to her health but according to society a threat to her self. Worth. No longer worthy of love. No longer wanted. Yet something inside her whispers not to be daunted. Whispers to wade through the pain and explore the darkness So she dives within herself, scared but open and honest And there She meets herself, for the first time The whisper grows louder, telling her to shine And so she arrives. And she smiles, reflecting on her trials. For she sees now, the word herpes, led her to her peace.

Thanks so much! It really helps put things in perspective

@optimist And does disclosing right away ever work out? People dont run?

Ive had herpes for 5 years now and am still struggling with the thought of disclosing. 3 out of the 4 guys i have disclosed too didnt care. But as of lately im finding it really hard to navigate the dating world. I feel like guys always only care about sex at first and then if they spend time with you they may develoo feelings later. But since my original approach was to spend time getting to know a guy first and then disclose, this hasnt worked out in my favour. It seems like after about 3 dates if the guy senses i am 'frigid' hes not trying to deal with that and moves on but then i also feel like if i disclose right away before they even know me they'll run anyways. I just feel like no man is willing to wait and disclosing right away is not a good idea. Its like this road block im not sure how to get around. Either i disclose right after meeting them or i wait and withhold sex- both end in being tossed to the side. How soin do you guys on here disclose? How can i not feel like a burden or like im just wasting these guys' time?

@2Legit2Quit thanks. i think i am having a hard time finding contentment in myself and i know that is something i need to work on because if you arent happy with yourself no external circumstance can make you happy. im just trying to figure out the steps i need to take to be happy with myself and not constantly judge myself and i think enjoying my own company and 'dating myself' is a good start

@airmom i also feel ashamed to feel this way. i feel very petty and i try to tap into the higher part of myself that is happy for her but these feelings of envy and loss and unfairness always rear up and i guess im at the point where im trying to work through them by acknowledging they are there and letting them go, but i find it hard not to judge myself for being so petty so that is something i am trying to work on - is letting the feelings be without attaching to them and not judging myself - but it is definatly an uphill work in progress

@2Legit2Quit I feel like if I didn't have herpes I wouldn't be single, or could at least enjoy dating like a normal person. I feel a profound sense of loss - a loss of my sexuality - and i think hearing about my friends great sex life is magnifying that sense of loss. Even if I haven't found the right person, at least if I didn't have this I could still enjoy male company even if just casually. And I see how easy it was for her and others to enter into new relationships when it is so stressful for me and I wish that I could enjoy dating like she does and not have this huge weight on my shoulders. So I feel jealous that its so fun and easy for everyone else while I have to suit up for battle and face the reality of a love life that is more like a mine field now.

I've had herpes for about 3 and a half years now. My best friend has been my rock though all of this and has let me cry on her shoulder countless times. We have been partners to the core in every sense of the word minus sex obviously. But now she has a new boyfriend and talks about how great the sex is and they spend all their time together and I cant hep but feel very jealous and angry. Its not fair. I know i should be happy for her and the more noble side of me is but i havent felt the touch of a man or had any attention or affection in 3 years and its like having what i cant have rubbed in my face and i feel more lonely than ever now. Seeing her in a happy relationship is just bringing up all these feeling of loss and grief over losing my sexuality and reminding me how lonely I really am now hat I feel like I've lost my partner. I just want to be able to see my friends in relationship and hear songs or people talk about sex without getting this painful sensation off loss and feeling like that part of life isnt for me to experience anymore. I try not to think about sex and tell myself i dont need it to be happy but i feel like a part of my soul has died. i want to be sexual too and the more time that goes by the more i desperatly crave affection and seeing other people get to enjoy what i cant just hurts. I tried herpes dating sites and it was a total flop. - so tried that if you were going to suggest it.

I was seeing this guy for a couple months, at first he seemed really interested. I was literally making myself sick with anxiety thinking about when to disclose to him. So in order to gage his level of interest to decide if i should even disclose, i asked him if he wanted something casual or serious. He said he wanted to get to know me and see. I said i wasn't interested in anything casual and was looking for a relationship. Needless to say, I came off as to keen, rushed or whatever and scared him off. I feel like in order to disclose i need to be sure that a guy actually wants to be with me. I feel like my only 2 options now with herpes is either being single or in a serious relationship. Casual dating is out of the question. But coming off as trying to secure the guy in a relationship just scares him off. No man is going to casually date someone he isn't getting sex from, and I won't have sex until i disclose, and i won't disclose unless I'm sure he wants to be with me. Im so confused. They will either leave because they aren't getting any sex, or leave when you tell them, and if they do accept you it would be because they really, really, really like you and think you are the most amazing thing on earth and want to be with you and are willing to overlook it. So casual dating seems impossible, but then it circles right back around to its almost like you have to go through the 'casual' phase in order to get them to consider a relationship with you, you can't try to jump right into a relationship because that also results in them leaving. So is the answer that i need to get better at disclosing? I think I need to not seem needy or overly keen, not seem like i am pushing for a relationship, and feel comfortable disclosing whether it results in a relationship or not? Do i just need to disclose, hope they accept me and see if it turns into a relationship. I need to not care if that is the result, but i do care because i feel like to disclose and be accepted means that the guy wants to be with you. Does anyone have some clarity for me? my head is going in circles - i feel like there is just no winning no matter what approach i take.

I know I really need to just get over it, but I cannot stop obsessing and analyzing my rejection. At the time of disclosure he was very kind and said nothing but nice things, and we agreed to be friends and have even hung out once after. But he's basically gone ghost, I said I was hurt by his decision etc and he said friends don't act like hurt ex girlfriends and to stop projecting my emotions onto him and he won't put up with the poor me routine and that he gets this is hard for me but that he is just busy and to stop reading into it. But I can't help but consistently wonder what he thinks of me now. I feel like he thinks I'm disgusting. He's never said that but if we are quote on quote friends why does he all of a sudden have absolutely no time. Before I told him he would always make time for me. I constantly think maybe if I had waited longer to tell him it would have turned out different. Constantly wondering what he thinks of me. I feel inferior. Like I'm not good enough for him. Thinking about I probably don't even cross his mind and he's out dating other girls and I'm left here feeling embarrassed and regretting I ever even told him. How can I escape my own head and let it go and not let this rejection make me feel so bad about myself. I'm struggling to get past it and I should be stronger than this.

these words are exactly what i needed today. Thank you for sharing.

Still wrestling with the feeling desirable part, but that will come I'm sure :)

Thank you so much to everyone, I am starting to feel a lot better. The jokes don't bother me, I know they don't mean anything by it when they say it. But this rejection hurt, deep. But I am starting to realize that this rejection was just a brick laid in the foundation of my strength. My conscious is clean and my heart is pure, and I mean how much more squeaky clean can you get than that as a person right! I'm starting to see this as a growing experience, and like u guys have said and I'm now realizing: there IS life after rejection, and this rejection had only brought me closer to the one who's right for me and who isn't too weak to see past the stigma. This was a lesson for me and I realize now that I won't be ready for a healthy relationship until I fully completely accept myself, and this is just part of that journey. Thank you everyone for your words of support. This forum has been a saving grace!

Hi Friends, I need some help. I feel stuck. I am trying to be positive and look at herpes in a positive light, but I feel so angry. If it wasn't for herpes, I would be happily in a relationship right now. I could enjoy dating rather than being stressed out by it. I miss being intimate with someone so much. I keep telling myself that there are tons of other people with the virus, and that one day I will find a man who loves me no matter what, and I keep trying to reinforce to myself that I'm a valuable person, I'm a catch and any guy would be lucky to have me. But even though I keep telling myself these things and trying to think positive, I don't feel it. I don't believe it in my soul, but I want to. I don't know how to get past this feeling of anger and loss. How can I truly be at peace with herpes? I'm really struggling. I just want to be happy again and feel desirable. I know I need to change my beliefs about what it means to have herpes, but I guess I don't know how. Please, share with me how you guys manager to arrive at a place of peace with herpes. I've had it for 2 years now, dealing withy first rejection from a guy I really liked, made me realize I never really dealt with my emotions about herpes until now, before I just pushed it deep down inside and tried to forget about it, but being rejected had made it all swell up and i want to deal with it and move on a be happy. Help!

@WCSDancer2010 thank you for those links on rejection i absolutely needed them. just posted on here for the first time today because i felt so terrible about just being rejected. this was a really big help! the tears have stopped through reading these posts and links and i fell somewhat sane and stable again :)

Hey Guys, Ive been a lurker on here for a long time, always wanting to heal from my diagnoses on my own, just reading posts to help me on the way. Only my best friend knows, no one else, not my family or any friends. But this time I need some support. It will be 2 years in november for me…anyways on sunday i told this guy I've been seeing for a couple months, i told him because i have really fallen for him and could see myself being with him. and he was totally freaked out and not willing to take the risk. I've told 2 guys before and they were ok with it - but i didn't really have feelings for them, but this guy, he is the one out of all of them that i wanted to accept me, that i actually want to be with, and he can't. He was polite and cordial, and said he did his research, but i think that he just can't get past the stigma. He said i am an amazing girl and he is so sad and that he respects me so much for my courage and that he was so happy with the way things were going, but the fact that he can't look past this has made all those self-imposing feelings of stigma come rushing back to me. his rejection has made me feel unworthy, undesirable. No matter how great of a person i am, I'm still tainted. I know I'm being a debbie downer, but its really hard to stay positive. not being intimate with anyone (i have had sex twice in 2 years - the 2 guys before…but it was just sex, it wasn't intimate for me) for the past 2 years has been so hard, and i am trying to stay strong. but i just want to feel loved and valued. i wanted it from him. i just wish he thought i was worth it. its such a small risk. he was the first guy i allowed myself to have feelings for, and the thought of having to go through this again with the next guy is gut wrenching. anywyas, im rambling. I'm just feeling really weak and vulnerable and insecure right now, and no one to talk to cuz my best friends in bali. Im having a really hard time accepting his rejection, like i feel like i need to change his mind, like i want him to see it the way i had hoped for so he wants to be with me. i thought if he got to know me well enough it wouldn't of mattered to him, but it does. i never want to have to go through this with another guy again. Just reading these words, they sound pathetic, I'm stronger than this. But I also have to acknowledge that I'm hurt and upset and emotional right now. Any words of support or encouragement would be greatly appreciated. What do i do next? i don't know where to go from here.