Hi everyone. It's been several months since my diagnosis with GHSV1. About 5 actually. I received this wonderful gift from a man who I had been seeing off and on for a few months and routinely having protected sex. One drunken unprotected mistake later, here I am. When I asked him about it, he gave me the "I didn't think I could transmit without an OB" speech. I was more devastated that I wasn't given the choice to decide if I was willing to chance it than I was with the actual diagnosis of H. But now... After I stopped talking to him I'm struggling. I fully understand that what I have is merely a virus. And an almost harmless one at that. So why am I constantly struggling? Why now, am I crying myself to sleep every night?
I can't stop the feelings of worthlessness and disgust. I hate myself. For multiple reasons, everything seemed to fall apart all at once. Between a car accident, losing my gran (she hasn't died. Just essentially being kept away from all family members by the person who is supposed to be taking care of her) and very nearly losing my mother to a a diabetic coma all while constantly working a 15hr a day job with almost no time off, the H is truly the icing on the cake when it comes to my life. When can I have a break?!
Before H I had already been struggling with feelings of inadequacy and the thought that no one would ever be able to fall in love with me which I'm sure stems from prior unhealthy relationships. One 4 year relationship which ended with the man Id fallen in love with telling me he continued to date me purely because he was unable to deal with being single while all of his friends were married. Essentially I'm a time filler. I'm just too average to be anything more. Nothing about me makes men turn their heads or think... "Hey... This is a girl I would like to get to know. This is someone who probably would be a lot of fun!" So why on earth would anyone ever bother to give me the time of day if I'm upfront about H.
In the 5 months since I found out, I haven't been intimate with anyone or even been on a date. Though, I have had a couple of men message me asking if I'd be willing to have what amounts to being friends with benefits. Which I have declined both times. I feel even more worthless when I'm asked these sort of things. Why am I not worth the effort it takes to care about someone?
I know my feelings are disproportionate to the severity of the diagnosis, but it's gotten to the point I've considered suicide in the past few weeks. I went home from my horribly stressful military job one night and hugged my dog to the point that I think even he believes I'm crazy. The feelings of wanting to end it have subsided. My dog and cat need me too much to just leave. But the hopelessness and the unease are still very prevalent. I've become a shell of who I used to be. And I don't know where to start the road to healing and happiness again. I thought I could deal with this. But... I just can't.
I'm sorry for the long winded depressing pity party. I'm just lost. I haven't told my mother. I can't stand the shame. And my friends I've told try to comfort me. But I keep falling deeper. I want so badly to love myself again. But HOW?!