amanda

I have been known to get jealous about a man seeing other women, but the jealousy I am referring to which keeps me from waiting for Mr. Right, rather than maintain unhealthy relationships, has more to do with that I am jealous that other people have boyfriends or husbands and I don't. So when I am between "boyfriends," I get very antsy and a little depressed. I wish I could be strong enough to just take a year off or something. I hear folks say that is always a great thing to do - promotes self acceptance and self love as you work on yourself. But...I'm inpatient and get jealous. I had a couple hour conversation with #1 on Monday. Had nothing to do with H, just about our relationship in general as well as the relationship with #2. #1 has known about #2 since we got back together - doesn't care, doesn't get jealous. He admits his advice sounds self serving, but he insists that I should tell #2 that I will never be attracted to him enough. I think he is right, but guess what. Too scared to tell him. Too scared to be without his love, friendship and attention. He's always been ok with the H thing, by the way.

I was just thinking that (hijack) but that doesn't mean this isn't an important conversation. I had a very anxious day today. I'm between a rock and hard place with these men. I am so afraid of having transmitted the virus to guy one. I haven't heard from him much since the incident. That's kind of a relief, but still bothers me. I've tried the "it's not working, goodbye" routine with him before. And it didn't work. But if he says it to me, it would push me in the right direction and prevent me from being a hanger-on. I can only imagine the reason he hasn't communicated. Guy number two got real complicated because of our discussion and my soul is reeling on that one. I think I'm going to tell him I need a break at least. I need my space, man. I do believe I will find a good man, one who l like and is good to me. But I'm impatient and have jealousy issues. These two things get in my way of just chillin' til he comes my way. And seeker: girls like bad boys, men like supermodels/younger women. I think there is a parallel there. So, you say good guy wants to check out. I say being an older single woman is a scary place to be. And the "medical condition" (as guy one calls it) that we on this forum all share only exacerbates the anxiety.

omg. Thank you.

You guys are so nice, it makes me cry. This is a sad confession: I did start loving myself again and in particular stopped my negative self talk. Once the not-so-nice boyfriend came back to me and started doing the same things he did before, the negative talk came flying back. So, see, I know I'm not doing right by my real self. And the other guy appreciates my intellect and my charming idiosyncrasies (see, I do have some self love) to such a deep degree, it's intoxicating. He's so reassuring that I am as cool as I think I have the potential to feel free to be. I'm going to talk to both of them. The first guy about how his behavior makes me depressed and that I'm afraid to ever tell him I have breakouts. Those are the main points. The other one I need to tell at least two things: I don't have hope that my attraction to him will suddenly appear. And I really want to tell him that I have another man in my life, that I see, that I am sexual with. My reluctance to have done so yet are: he'll be really hurt and I am free to see other people without telling him because I broke up with him. Plus, I am not having intercourse with either one! We are not a committed couple. In the match.com world, it seems to be common knowledge that until you have "the commitment talk," you are free to see other people without having to be forthcoming, until, of course, the talk. I got a huge boost into developing self love by reading books by Cheri Huber. She spoke my language. Most especially understood the depths of hatred that negative self talk can reach. I highly recommend her, obviously, to anybody who experiences depression. She has many titles. The titles will speak to whatever issue you are stuck in, so it isn't difficult to decide which ones to pick. I started with meetup.com about two weeks after separating from my marriage. I now backpack regularly and am on a cycle team. I joined both to meet men, have not met any, but have instead discovered two incredible activities that go a long way in defining who I have become. I absolutely love them both. I also jointed and love Crossfit. I have made many new friends, but not friends with whom I talk with like I do my two men. That last issue is huge when it comes to actually saying good bye to them. Thanks again. You have no idea how great your input has been. Friends.

thank you

I already know all of that. All of it! I suffered a lot during my divorce. I blamed myself for ruining my marriage (adultery - I might as well be honest about everything here). I will suffer immediately following letting these two men go. I like them both and enjoy their friendship so much. I know I will be better off in the long run. And yet I am not, at the moment, ready to endure the sadness and pain that will come from walking away from them. There have been so many huge changes in my life - I had to go back to work after 16 years to a job that I despised. (The field I have my degrees in is the only career that will pay me enough to live. I don't get alimony.) I have herpes. I have to live with the guilt that my sons now are "children of divorce." My attractive, fit ex husband has no trouble finding girls to date (one 11 month long relationship he had was with a 26 year old!) while my only choice is match.com. In the three years I have been on my own, I have met ZERO single men in the real world in my demographic. And it's not like I haven't put myself out there. I'm terrified of being alone in my old age. Or, God forbid I get sick or hurt and I can't work. I go to therapy, am on anti depressants, as well as, of course, Valtrex. (Yay! I have to take Valtex! Everybody knows what that means, and it is impossible for it not to be revealed every now and then.) I am in many ways getting along very well, progressing nicely. Obviously I'm not done accepting my new reality. I am going to have a talk with the man who won't provide me with the intimacy that I crave. His reaction will determine if I stick around anymore. I have no delusions that he is a man who will ever commit to me and not just because of the virus. The other man - I am honest with him about an amazing number of things. I need to be honest with him that I really will never be attracted to him, no matter what he does and how awesome he is a friend. I almost told him last night. But I chickened out. As I have said, I broke up with both of them. They keep coming back to ME and I have not been able to resist the temptation to stay in contact. It takes away the pain. I am human.

Are there recommended supplements to take to further treat and suppress break outs? If so, what are they?

Thank you both for your comments. I feel like I have found close friends. Yes I thought maybe I had prodome but went ahead and didn't tell him. So how's that for honesty. He only touched me there with his hands, nothing else. I was wrong not to say anything and I will never do that again. But I stand by my statement that I did not think I was putting him in danger since it was only his hands. I never thought that detail through. When I was first diagnosed, I was afraid to touch it even to clean it in the shower. That's when I was told that it doesn't live out in the open and that I couldn't spread it with my hands. Hence, I thought he was safe yesterday. Even this morning I am not 100% convinced it is an outbreak. I still have the tear in my skin that totally resembles my dry skin problem. The thing is, and this is very weird to say, but the vaginal area is loaded with folds and tissue and skin and bumps and so many different shades of pink and purple... I wonder if I am able to accurately judge the presence of a mild outbreak. I'm 52 years old. It's not all pink and perky down there. I am recently divorced. I have had three relationships (all via match.com, if that matters). I am currently still seeing two of them - both of whom I have broken up with but continue to see. The man in this story is a terrible boyfriend, but I am incredibly attracted to him and his charm and attention make me feel like a million bucks, except when I'm being honest with myself about how he treats me vis a vis the H problem. The other man is the perfect boyfriend, but I am not attracted to him and being physical with him is really uncomfortable. I know I should rid myself of both and move on, but I'm not the strongest when it comes to doing the right thing about letting people go. The third man was the one who probably infected me - via oral sex when he had a cold sore.

Obviously we have gotten back together....and I know it doesn't sound like the healthiest of relationships. I have told so few people about my condition. I really appreciate having this site to vent and learn. And with such quick feedback. :)

Yes. And at first he seemed ok with it. We have only had intercourse twice in the duration of our relationship. I did not ask him why until after we broke up. I was afraid it was because the herpes and I thought that if I knew that, I would be incredibly hurt. I had an opportunity to ask him and he confirmed that this was the reason. I pleaded with him to talk to his doctor about the actual risk, but it was obvious he had made up his mind. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me that he would perform oral sex on me, but not protected intercourse. I have not pointed this out to him for fear that he will take that away from me as well. Today I had a notion that it may be a break out, however, I often get little tears from wiping after going to the bathroom because I have dry skin down there. I saw that sort of lesion when I felt pain from wiping. I hoped that it wasn't an outbreak, but I didn't tell him I suspected it (I'll never do that again) for two reasons: I fear that if he becomes aware of an actual breakout, he won't ever touch me again and I also DID NOT KNOW I was putting him at such a risk if it were only his hand touching me. It occurred to me about an hour after he left, I looked it up and was devastated by what I had done.

And, what could we even do about it at this time?

I just exposed my partner, not realizing that I was putting him in such danger. He fingered me and I'm almost positive he then touched his penis. I was not sure if I was having an outbreak when this happened, but I am almost positive now that I am. I read that if he touches my lesion and then touches himself, the virus can get transmitted. My question is: did it definitely get transmitted? If so, when will we know?