PositivelyBeautiful

btw, I am still on antivirals, yes, but i do not intend to stay on them forever, and this is definitely a subject i will bring up with my bf later on, as more time progresses. I know he wouldn't want me to be on them forever either. We are just taking more time to establish our relationship before making those decisions. Have you tried another doctor concerning supressives? some doctors are ok with it and some aren't, but of course, you are more familiar with practices in your country. Also, concerning oral, it's very very rare to get HSV2 oral, so I think once someone is educated on the matter, they won't see that as an issue... but again, it will depend on the person. And, it's possible that you might always be asymptomatic, which means you might never know, and that's something you will have to accept... but the journal might help so it wouldn't hurt to try and see if you notice patterns, etc.

@bootox, i think you are jumping way ahead here... i think when you meet someone you want to have a relationship with and you get through disclosure and discuss options, you can assess. If you bring up the conversation after a few months and she doesn't want to stop using condoms, then you can decide if this is how you choose to proceed in your relationship, or if no condoms will be THAT important to you to let her go... it will depend on so many factors, involving how you and this person feel, and so it's hard to speculate what is right and wrong and or what you should do *IF* that happens. Start slow, date, get to know people, practice disclosures, when you are there, and you have those open and honest conversations, you can deal with whatever comes next... don't stress just yet, you have no idea what is around the corner. what if you meet someone who has it too? then all this anxiety would have been in vain. Be present, and live for today, and cross those other bridges when you get there.

hi @bootox, i think once you meet the right person and explain all the facts, that if the connection is really strong, the risk will be a non-issue. Even though the chances are higher from male to female, it doesn't make it any less scary for men to accept this with women... and I think every couple is different, that you should be open about what you prefer and would want, and allow them to do the same. You can decide together if/how you pursue the physical side of your relationship. You can't really assume how someone will react until you have an open and honest discussion with them, and determine how the relationship evolves. I think most start with condoms and antivirals and then as time goes on, they re-evaluate their options. I for one started using condoms and antivirals with my bf, and he is now fine without condoms... that happened after 2 months. I think everyone will be different, but the beginning of the relationship is always trickier cause both people might want to evaluate their level of commitment to one another before assuming greater risks. As for knowing how you body reacts to the virus, it will take time... I am only 9 months out of diagnosis and didn't have any noticeable symptoms, so I had the same concerns... but I do the best that I can with the information that I have. If i suspect anything, I openly discuss it with my bf and we proceed together. I always let my bf know, so that it's not me making any decision alone, we are making the decisions together as to what we feel comfortable with. At the end of the day, you can only do so much, and as long as you are honest and open with the other person about everything, you are giving them the best chance to protect themselves too. It's scary at the beginning, but you'll learn how to manage everything and see that it is actually totally manageable. As long as the person you date is making informed choices, you shouldn't feel like all the weight is all on your shoulders. Just be honest, always, about how you are feeling and what you want, and allow the person the freedom to do the same. You will find the best options that make both of you feel comfortable and make sex very enjoyable.

Hi @CML, thanks for sharing your successful disclosure and sooooo happy for you!!! i love this statement: "the more I accept that this is just a part of my life, the less scared I am of disclosing" - it's so true. we can't change it or take it back, so once we do the internal work and find peace, everything else becomes easier.

Hi @Ancla, first things first, herpes is not oozing out of you everywhere you go, so glad to hear that you are getting over the fear of transmitting/touching. I went through a phase of that, and now can laughed at myself for being so silly. We are human, and that means that we are all susceptible of catching viruses and herpes does not discriminate.... it's really luck of the draw as to who contracts it, and a good guy will understand that. And as much as that talk is terrifying... totally scary, don't be scared. There is nothing to be scared about. If you take some time to get to know someone, and feel like they are worthy of your heart and of sharing that very vulnerable part of you, then it's always worth facing your fears. If you don't try, you'll never know how they might react. What if everything that you build up in your head is a lie... what if when you are finally ready to share that with someone, they tell you 'you're amazing, and i'm not going anywhere'. That's what happened to me, and that's what so many others have experienced here as well. It's easy to believe that no one will want to accept this, but the truth is that there are so many people that do not see herpes as a deal breaker. yes, there is a chance that you will face rejection, but you can't view that rejection as a reflection of your worth. every one has a choice, and it's ok if they walk away. When I was dating, i knew i didn't want to date someone that was shorter than me or had kids. That's a personal choice, not a reflection on their character, same with herpes. The people that do take time to educate themselves and stick around also come with some amazing qualities - they are open, risk-takers, compassionate and non-judgmental people... who wouldn't want a partner with those qualities? Anyways, all that to say, take some more time to heal, but don't allow those negative thoughts to consume you. You are special, you are uniquely you, and even with herpes, you have so much to offer someone. If you can believe that, i mean really believe that, then someone one day will believe it too. Read what my now HSV2- bf said to me when I first disclosed... There are good guys out there, but you have to believe you are worth it and you have to face your fears. http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6265/one-word-grateful-my-first-disclosure-story#latest

Hi @jcfrankie55, it's impossible to say what type you have based on this or any information. The only way to really find out if to get a type specific IGG blood test. You will know right away, with certainty. Also, has your gf been tested? Just because she does not show symptoms does not mean she doesn't have it.

Hi @DeK1, a doctor can't really tell whether or not someone has herpes based on inspection. There are plenty of people who are asymptomtic, meaning they carry the virus unknowingly because they never show any symptoms. The blood test will confirm his status, and if you have doubts, ask to see the results. And considering this is a new relationship, your/his concerns are fair. But once you read about herpes and get familiar with what it actually means to live with herpes, you'll realize that it's far more insignificant than people perceive, that the stigma is often scarier than the virus itself. A lot of H+ people have relationships with H- people (myself included) and never transmit the virus, even after over decades. Antivirals helps protect your partner from contracting it, and just becoming more aware of your body helps too. The fact is, you/he are probably safer with someone knowing they have herpes than any other person coming into your life, because so many people don't know they have herpes, or other STDs for that matter. That said, it is fair for him to make a choice, and if he doesn't have herpes, and walks away, don't take it as a personal rejection. We all have deal breakers, and this might be one for him, that's all. Best of luck to you two.

hi @DeK1, HSV2 oral is very rare... so you are good to go. But the obvious applies, if you have an outbreak or feel one coming on, just avoid any sexual activity.

Hi @lulu67, no it wouldn't cause you to cough... it would typically present itself as skin lesions on the exterior of your mouth, around your lips, but the virus can weaken your immune system, and that might lead to other vulnerabilities... like a cough or cold, and vice versa. When you are feeling tired, or you feel a flu or something coming on, you're immune system is likely weakened and then you would be more susceptible to getting a sore. Some people experience tingling, burning or itching a a specific spot around the mouth (exterior) before a sore comes out. But some people, much like yourself, never get any symptoms. So it generally shouldn't affect your life at all.

hey @Eliott_in_Space, you can get it in both locations, although it's rare because you would have had the anitbodies, but it's still possible. And it's also possible to contract it in both locations at the first initial instance... so possibly the same time you contracted it genitally. It is also possible the sore on your lip was something else... it's really hard to say because so many skin conditions resemble one another, and everyone reacts differently to the virus. If you really want to know for sure, you can have the sore swabbed the next time within the first day or two and that should provide some answers. In the mean time, since almost everyone has hsv-1, like 80%, it's not common to disclose for a kiss... unless you are experiencing and outbreaks or feel one coming on. If you take things further, or want to pursue the relationship, probably best to open up that topic of conversation, about STDs in general, as you will want to know what things you might be exposing yourself to anyways. At the end of the day, you have to do what you feel comfortable with... but that's just an opinion on the matter for you to consider.

Hey @Dreamer10, no it doesn't. if you get a sore, it can create an initial crater, but it will heal. Some bad ones can scar temporarily, but it will fade and your skin should be like normal once it's all healed.

hi @lulu67, definitely not. There is no need for medication unless you have frequent outbreaks, or if you really feel the need to protect your husband, if he is negative. regardless, for HSV-1 oral, it' very very rare to be on suppressive medication.... it's just not necessary, and far too common. If you do get a sore, you can treat it with one dose of medication or over the counter creams. And I would highly suspect that your husband has it too... so try to not dwell on this too much. The initial shock can be hard, go easy on yourself. As time goes on, you'll see there is really nothing to it and nothing to worry about.

Hey there @Ancla, I was diagnosed last September and like you, went on the emotional rollercoaster. I was seeing someone who completely rejected me the moment he found out. That hurt more than the diagnosis itself. It sounds like you have been working really hard to find acceptance and self-love and that is great... that's exactly what you need to keep doing. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you made, be compassionate and kind to yourself when you are hurting, and keep telling yourself you are worthy of a great relationship, because you are. Do not allow the stigma or society's narrow-minded view of this virus to dictate your self-worth. Find those things that make you uniquely special and love yourself immensely for them. When you truly love yourself, herpes and all, you will find all of that love reflected back at you in the eyes of someone really special. All the work and love starts from within. Don't give up and don't dwell on the negatives. Challenge yourself to focus on your positives and read as many success stories as possible, cause they will keep you motivated. There are tons of people out there who don't see herpes as a deal-breaker and one of the best gifts we get from having herpes is taking the time to slow down, put the physical aside, and really get to know someone. It will help you figure out if that person will be worthy of your vulnerability, and heart. If you need advice or if you have questions, that's exactly what this forum is for... we are all here for you, don't be scared or shy to reach out. Stay strong and keep your chin up, as time goes on, this will get better for you, but keep working on your self-acceptance and self-love... it's the ticket to true happiness. And read this when you get down - i read this over and over and over when I was struggling... just a reminder that we are all beautiful souls who owe it to ourselves to hold our standards, heads and hearts high: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2886/herpes-yoga-and-self-love#latest Keep that positive spirit alive!!

Hi @lulu67, first of all, welcome, and sorry to hear you are having a hard time with everything. The first thing you should know is that almost everyone has HSV-1 oral, i think it's something like over 80% of people... it's soooooo common. And chances are that your husband has it too. Whether you had it first or he had it first or you both had it going into the marriage will be irrelevant at this point. It's just an inconvenient skin condition, and obviously it has not really affected your life in any way, as you would have been none the wiser if you never had those tests done. Here's what you need to know, 1- almost everyone has it. 2- hsv-1 can be transmitted through kissing and oral sex, you can have HSV-1 genitally... this normally happens when there is an active outbreak, but can happen through something called viral shedding, which is when the virus is active but you don't have any visible sores. Best thing to do is just avoid kissing and oral sex when you feel any sore coming on, or if you're body is tired or your immune is compromised. 3- if your husband already has it, you really have nothing to worry about. that means you both have the antibodies to fight the virus. If he doesn't, then just be aware of point 2. Also, if he doesn't and you've gone 10 years without giving it to him, and that's totally possible, then it just shows how non-threatening this really is, and even more so when you are aware that you have it. Btw, you won't know when you are shedding, and it's totally ok to touch your lips... just keep living as you were living. And consider yourself lucky... a lot of people get really bad outbreaks and sores on a regular basis. If you are one of the asymptomatic ones, then this is really a gift. In the grand scheme of life, this is really not a major deal, but i understand that the initial shock can be alarming and concerning. Hope this helps a little.

Hi @Ihaveittoo1975, glad to hear you had a so-far-successful disclosure!! As I understand it, since the two stains are very similar in DNA, having one adds a level of immunity to the other... the antibodies you have for one type can help your body fight off the other type... but again, this is not complete protection... I managed to get both types and I think @WCSDancer2010 has both as well. She would probably be able to elaborate further. @tc50, glad we could help. The stigma is often scarier than the virus itself. Hope it all works out for you guys!

Hey @tc50, just wanted to say it's awesome that you are taking the time to educate yourself and make an informed decision. If you do pursue this relationship, you'll come to realize how herpes is really a non-issue 95% of the time. Since you are HSV-1 positive, you do already have antibodies that will protect you against contracting it in another location... ie: if you have HSV1 orally, and he has HSV1 genitally... very slim that you would contract it genitally unless he had an outbreak, or your immune system was compromised etc. And bonus, in that case, oral sex is fair game. ;) Having HSV-1 will also protect you against HSV-2, if that's the type he has... however, there is still a chance you can contract genitally (orally is very rare). I, for one, have both types. (Lucky me!) My boyfriend has HSV1 oral only. I am taking antivirals, and we do not use condoms anymore. Essentially, it becomes a matter of being aware... just keeping yourself healthy, and maybe using supplements to boost your immune system, restraining from sex if there is an active outbreaks, or if either of you feels like one might be coming on. We also use coconut oil as a lubricant, cause it has natural anti-viral properties (but don't use that with latex condoms, can tear) and we use diluted apple cider vinegar as a cleanse after, which also has antiviral properties. The most important thing is to be honest and open about it...and you are off to a good start it seems. If you do decide to pursue this once you find out his type, it might be scary at first, for both of you, but take things slow, and see how it all evolves. Hope this helps!

Hi @DeK1, just to clarify, the test won't exactly tell you how long you have had this, but if you did recently contract the virus, the IGG antibody levels will be low enough for you not to receive a positive result, so as dancer said, your result might be negative. It can actually take up to 4 months for your body to fully develop the antibodies that will show a positive result. Also, just so you know, anything below 1.1 is negative, but there is a 40% false positive rate for anything between 1.1 and 3.5... normally for those who don't show apparent symptoms. 3.5+ is a definite positive. I agree with everything dancer said... this is all suspicious behaviour on the part of your bf... and I would just like to add that seeing as he immediately told you that he would say goodbye if he was negative, but then asks when you guys can have sex again, was a clear indication to me that he really doesn't care. If he actually cared about you, he wouldn't be so quick to up and leave... and if he was sure he was negative, he also wouldn't be so quick to want to have sex with you... this is all very conflicting behaviour. Regardless of the outcome of the results, there is no need to point fingers... it is what it is, you can't change it... BUT, you should seriously consider whether you want to stay with this guy. He doesn't really seem to have your best interest at heart here. Best of luck with everything, we are all here if you need us.

Hi @JenPhoenix40, I am really sorry to hear that you are going through this... but you are absolutely right. Herpes is a good wingman for dating but for other relationships as well, and it's clear in this case that she is not a real friend to you. Sometimes it's sad leaving relationships and friendships behind, but as we evolve as people, it's an inevitable reality. You've obviously outgrown this friendship, so take the time to mourn this betrayal, and the loss, but know that you will be far better for moving away from such negativity. You deserve to surround yourself with supportive, loving friends, who honour your privacy and trust... kuddos to you for recognizing it's time to move on. Your heart will be happier for it. Oh, and those that found out and judge you for it... are not worth keeping around either.

Hi @bootox, I can feel your pain when I read this rant and wanted to jump in a shed light on a few things... I understand why you are feeling so down about all of this, and I understand that it's scary to wonder if anyone will ever be ok with accepting this risk, and sharing very intimate moments with you, without any sort of protection ( a lot of women don't enjoy condoms either), but I am here to tell you that one day, somebody or many women will... but you have you to find a way to come to terms with that truth... If you consistently dwell on "this will never happen for me again" and "why would anyone ever want to risk this for me", then your chances of ever finding that someone who will accept this will likely not be in your favour... you have to practice every day to change the way you think. You have believe that you are worth the risk, that everything else that you have to offer someone is worth this very minimal risk, cause no one is exactly like you. From my perspective, and I could be very wrong, but this is a matter of self-love. I was diagnosed last September, and after being immediately rejected by someone who I thought was very special, I was crushed and felt the exact same way as you do right now. But I decided that I was not going to allow the stigma to define my worth. Nothing about me had changed as a person, and I still had so many wonderful qualities to offer someone special. It wasn't easy. In fact, it was the most difficult personal challenge i have faced... Every day, I decided to tell myself why I was worth it, I reminded myself how lucky I was to live this beautiful life, I found gratitude for the most simple things, because in the grand scheme of life, herpes is not that big of a deal. I focused on what made me special, and I found a tremendous sense of self-worth and self-love. I believed I was worth it, and I knew that when someone recognized that worth, that it would be ok, and they would accept me for everything that is perfectly imperfect about me... not just herpes, btw. And to be honest, the man, and in your case, that woman, will be a compassionate, open, and caring person for looking past the stigma and the minor risk... They will also understand that shit happens in life, and far worse things can happen then getting herpes, and will not be phased by this virus. All great qualities to have in a significant other. It doesn't mean those that choose to walk away aren't... everyone has their own choices to make, and it's not a reflection on you. Anyways, all that to say, I met my man... and he has surpassed any expectations that I could have ever imagined. There are countless men who have found partners that have been accepting as well... If you find love within yourself, if you understand and appreciate your own worth even with herpes, and act in ways that validate your own worth... you will meet someone who see all of that and more and won't blink at the thought of being with you. It's a process, and the first step is understanding exactly what you have to offer, and believing it, committing your heart to it. The rest will come. Decide today that you are worth and stop beating your mind and heart into a negative place... nothing good comes from that. Believe you are worthy, because you are, everyone in this world is.

Hi @freckles112, thanks for sharing your story!! I am so happy for you and I know exactly how you feel. I am in the exact same situation and could not be happier as well. Your words will hopefully help others understand that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that there are great people out there who don't see herpes as a deal breaker. Disclosing is scary, but if we take the risk, it can lead to beautiful relationships. :)

Hi Mona, There are a lot of people here that have been with negative partners and never transmitted the virus. I use acyclovir and although at first, my bf and I were using condoms too, he recently decided that he felt comfortable without condoms. So with antivirals only, we have not had any scares or potential issues. That is a very personal choice however, so you will both have to feel comfortable proceeding with any decision that is made. The most important aspect here is that if you feel any outbreaks coming on, to refrain from having sex. Valtrex should work just as well, and I've heard a lot of positive reviews from others here. I might actually try Valtrex cause it's only one pill a day versus Acylcovir which you have to take twice. The mental aspect of all this is hard sometimes too. At the beginning, I was really worried and always concerned about potentially giving this to him (first partner since diagnosis)... I think it was in the back of his mind too. But as time went on, we continue to be open and honest about everything, and so we both have a very great level of comfort expressing any concerns... but there have hardly been any. The vulnerability and honesty that we have shared has really brought us closer. Ultimately, we have no control over what will happen, so there's comes a point in time where you accept you are doing your best to protect them, and let the rest go. Oh, we also use coconut oil as a lubricant as it has natural antiviral properties (but be careful using that with condoms, might cause the latex ones to tear), and we use apple cider vinegar diluted with a little warm water after sex as a cleanse. Again, also very good antiviral properties. Again, I know it's scary, but take your time, don't rush anything, and keep an open line of communication. Do your best and try to enjoy this new relationship. You both deserve to be happy. Hope this helps, and all the best!

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ― Haruki Murakami

hi @bent_notbroken, I was diagnosed in Sept2014, and at the time, had a hard time recognizing symptoms, but decided to go on suppressives in January cause I was back in the dating game and wanted to have every precaution lined up. I have had zero issues, and now happily dating an H2- person, so I know it's worthwhile for his sake. I am beginning to sense how my body handles/reacts to the virus too, and although suppresives seem to keep H at bay, I now know that when I am stressed, drained, or lacking in the sleep department, my body is more susceptible to showing what I think might be symptoms. I just up my dose when that happens for a few days until they subside. Still adjusting and trying to figure this all out, but I'm not coming off surpressives anytime soon. Side note, I take 800mg of acylcovir daily, 400mg in the morning and 400mg at night, and have had no apparent side affects. I think there must be a palcebo affect too, like taking the pills helps put my mind at ease, and helps me believe that that all is ok. Maybe in time, I would consider coming off, if my partner would feel ok about it, of course. I don't particularly love the idea of being on daily medication, but for now, it's a good option for me. In your case, it might be worth a shot, and if you don't like it, or feel it doesn't help after a month or two, then you can always just go back to fighting it on your own. It wouldn't hurt to at least try it. A lot of people have experienced tremendous relief from symptoms on surppressives. Hope this helps!

Hi @ele3, i think the first time back in the dating game is always difficult, but understand that you don't owe that guy anything right now... that this is just a casual date, where you are getting to know him and he is getting to know you. Yes, the talk might be in the back of your mind... but don't be scared... you can't predict how things might turn out, all you have is now, these present moments to live as fully, and bravely as you possibly can... so embrace now, and when/if you get to a place where you feel you want to share that very vulnerable part of you with anyone, you will deal with that fear and those emotions then. Just take your time and get to know this guy... you already alluded that you are not crazy about him... maybe you will discover things about him that are not in line with what you want anyways, and this fear and self-doubt that you feel right now would be in vain. I had dated a few guys where the relationship took its course for other reasons and I never actually had to disclose... just live for now, let your inner beauty shine, be yourself and see where every moment leads you. If/when you get to a place where you want to disclose, we will all be there for you. Remember, you are a powerfully amazing person, uniquely beautiful and so deserving of great happiness and love... let the universe show you that, and believe it always. Find that inner strength that I know you already have and enjoy your life, fearlessly.

Reality is only what your mind chooses to believe.