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ShaeShae

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  1. Our first date was on May 23. We immediately clicked, so I sort of started gearing myself up for it right then, having a feeling that this one could work. I didn't feel totally positive 100% of the time, but who does? I disclosed on the evening of June 6 when he came over to keep me company during one of my migraines. I opened by telling him that I felt we were developing a really good thing. One that I hoped was going to continue for a long long time. So I told him that I felt if he were to know "the very worst possible thing about me" and be ok with that, that we'd have a fighting chance. So he said "okay, hit me with it". So I H-Bombed him and he didn't even flinch, just replied with a shrug and a "So? Is that supposed to change my mind? Because it doesn't."
  2. Well, my reply was meant to go with my newest post. I'll have to move it hahah. I was really tired last night.
  3. Our first date was on May 23. We immediately clicked, so I sort of started gearing myself up for it right then, having a feeling that this one could work. I didn't feel totally positive 100% of the time, but who does? I disclosed on the evening of June 6 when he came over to keep me company during one of my migraines. I opened by telling him that I felt we were developing a really good thing. One that I hoped was going to continue for a long long time. So I told him that I felt if he were to know "the very worst possible thing about me" and be ok with that, that we'd have a fighting chance. So he said "okay, hit me with it". So I H-Bombed him and he didn't even flinch, just replied with a shrug and a "So? Is that supposed to change my mind? Because it doesn't."
  4. I have been absent from the forums lately. Playing at the dating game, with minimal success. I created another dating profile (meeting local guys in my small community is SO TOUGH!). I made this one this time around without any disclosure. I had had a successful disclosure earlier this year, when embarking on a purely "No Strings" relationship, one which ended on a positive note when he moved away. I missed an opportunity to disclose a few months back as well, when the long distance became too much of an issue for both of us. And then I met Loma. Hardworking, family oriented, kind, an incredible sense of humor, and blue eyes that just don't quit. I'm tearing up even as I type this because I disclosed. With my heart in my throat, I dropped the H-Bomb on him. And he responded immediately with "I don't care". Ever since my diagnosis, I felt so determined to persevere, when truthfully I felt as if a significant portion of my life had been put on "Pause", that there were certain parts of it that may never get back on track. And I was attempting to come up with my "Plan B", in the event that maybe I wouldn't find the right one. But he doesn't care. And even with numerous discussions since that recent first one, he has proven time and again that he doesn't care. He went home and did his research on his own, and immediately called me to tell me that he had, and that he still doesn't care. In his words "Most people have some form of it already, and even with that slight chance that I may get it, it still means that I am with you, and always will be. And that's worth more than worrying about this little bit of nothing. Because that's all this is, NOTHING". We just had our first sleep over. And H never even crossed my mind, not even once, as we began to get to know each other on the physical level. And until deciding to take to the forums today, H ceases to even cross my mind around him. He has helped me to give it greater insignificance as our actual relationship takes greater significance. With Loma, I don't feel like just another H statistic anymore, I feel like a woman, the woman I feared I had lost. For the first time in longer than I can remember, I am feeling one thing only: JOY. I will update again later.
  5. Long ish story short, I started seeing somebody new just recently. He's smart, funny, and so handsome. We're clicking on unimaginable levels. And so I feel it is time, because sex and intimacy have begun to enter the discussion. I am posting today because I really really really really could use a "pre disclosure boost" if you will. This is my most important one since my diagnosis, because I feel like I've got a shot at a guy who seems to really GET me. But is he truly going to get me still, once I lay all the cards on the table? I am disclosing in 9 days when I see him again (sort of ish long distance relationship, 2 hours apart). This cannot be done over the phone Send me your positive energy. I want to keep him. But I can't unless he is open to this. I need good vibes!
  6. I finally get it now. Took me long enough! Hahah. H is definitely becoming my wingman in my search for love. I've met someone. Not time to disclose yet, but my gut tells me that he's the kind of guy that could handle it. He fits all of my other character profile requirements. Then maybe, just maybe he'll be man enough to take me on. All of me! :)
  7. This was just shared with me today. A good read! Made me smile :) http://thehairpin.com/2012/04/the-perks-of-herpes
  8. I disclosed almost immediately. After about three days and we had decided we wanted a 'no strings attached' arrangement. He was extremely cool with it, and has already done plenty of reading.
  9. Like the headline says. . . I was blunt, honest, and upfront. And received a yes! It's a purely no strings attached relationship, but that's all I want right now anyway. But it's a YES.
  10. @dallas2015, I came out recently to all of my friends a family. I used facebook. The response was overwhelming. In a good way! I did not receive one iota of negativity. Quite the opposite.
  11. @WCSDancer2010 is right. I came out recently to overwhelming support. The outpouring of love was uplifting to say the absolute least. Am I all better emotionally? No way! I have only just begun to scratch the surface of this healing journey. And my posts, from my very first to my most recent are testament to the emotional elevator I am riding. Up and down and up and down again! I have learned so many valuable things already though: the love I never knew people had for me, but also the level of cruel to which others can stoop. The level of strength the likes of which I never knew I had, but also the amount of growing up I still need to do in the areas of self forgiveness and love. Also. . . DESITIN!!! Desitin was my very best friend during my first and so far only outbreak. Can be a little messy though so I only used it at night, which helped me sleep a lot better.
  12. So obviously I need a fresh perspective. A new way to look at my life so I can quit viewing it through "H tinted glasses" so to speak. I need input. . . I'm already in counseling but what more can I do? What do you all do when this gets you down? Any advice is greatly appreciated.
  13. Thank you, @WCSDancer2010. Obviously you can tell how hard I am struggling right now. For a while there, I felt so inspired! So uplifted! That feeling is beginning to fade, I am losing my grip on it. Being alone on the holiday in no way helped. And it strikes me a disgustingly ironic that the one man I had wanted rejected me as filth. And the one man who absolutely repels me, is so easily forgiving of my condition and still wants to be with me. God what a joke! My latest fear in snagging an H- partner concerns the fear of them eventually contracting it. Because I certainly would never want to be the one at fault for knowingly making another person feel the way I have felt these last months. I'm guilty before I've even done anything. I imagine accidentally giving it to him, even with him having been accepting of it, and then him using that as some kind of messed up guilt trip or weapon against me in moments of anger. Sure there's antivirals (they can't honestly be worth all those ghastly side effects can they??), and there's condoms (buzzkill!), but I want a family one day which only poses more risk to him. Where's the balance? I am in counseling right now. He is sadly unavailable during the holiday so I do not see him again until the 5th. It is hard waiting with this elephant following me around everywhere I go. I knew that coming out and having my spirits lifted would be only temporary and that the demons would come crawling back out of the dark again. I have been turned from a sexy and vivacious, intimate woman into a dud who can't even masturbate anymore. I don't know where to begin to work on me. Because I don't even know who "me" is anymore.
  14. Christmas. . . The most AWFUL time of year!! I left my family gathering early yesterday, unable to stop crying. I drove home and spent the rest of the day alone. Merry F***ing Christmas, eh? I felt good for a while after 'coming out'. My friends spoke to me of bravery, strength and courage. I am sinking back into an emotional low point though. My anxiety is running high which I can always tell by the fact that I'm nauseous and or vomiting every day again. And my appetite swings wildly from non existent to insatiable. I dipped briefly into the dating pool. And after coming out via facebook, one guy I had gone on a couple dates with and had already "friend zoned" texted to let me know it doesn't change anything between us. Fantastic buuuuut. . . I could have sworn I'd already broke things off with him. But then it comes down to, what if he's the only guy that ever accepts this thing? But then I harbor ZERO attraction to him. In fact I find him irritating and silly. But still. He could save me from a life of solitude. I checked out H+ dating sites and found literally FIVE GUYS in my area on there, all of whom are so clearly ashamed of their condition, they had no profiles to speak of. No photos, next to no information, nothing to otherwise attract my attention. And none of whom had been online within the past 2 weeks. Excellent! There is a semi large city about 2 hours from me. The results there were more promising. Only why should I give up the life I love here in my little town all for the privilege of having an H+ partner? I want to begin dating within my community only, and that seems an awful sacrifice to have to make. I have uprooted and moved for a guy before. I made 100% of the sacrifice for his love. And it was stupid. I am sad today. Lonely and sad.
  15. Hmmmmm. . . . Interesting :) The 5 year old has since developed the classic HFM rash and a low grade fever. The 4 year old is bound to not be far behind her. They will unfortunately be quarantined in their house for another Christmas, just like they were 2 years ago.
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