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kitcattat

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Everything posted by kitcattat

  1. Today I was reading a Men's Health magazine (Tim mcgraw was on the cover and I was interested lol) and they had this article called dating deal breakers or something like that. Well surprise surprise, there was one subline that said 'her STD rhymes with burpees' and im thinking theyre totally just going to say ditch her, dont deal with that. To my surprise, however, they actually had a nice little blurb on it. Ill quote a little of the article. "Consider this: Genital herpes is more common than you think it, it roughly affects one in six people. But hey she got tested and was honest with you. Its a great indicator of her maturity. " they go on to tell more FACTS about decreasing transmission. "Wrong move: making hasty assumptions about her pastm 'people have this mistaken idea that if you get an STD you must have been promiscuous. In reality most people have the same level of risk." I just had to share that with all of you because I was just so happy to see something positive about herpes in media for once!! Its great to see some facts instead of jokes and horror stories. Thats all :)
  2. Just curious if anyone else has experienced this....whenever I am about to get an outbreak I noticed I have weird red bumps on random spots on my body. When I got my first outbreak I had a TON all over my legs but more like my calf/ankle area. They look like ingrown hairs sort of...a red zit but with no head. Most recently its on my side hip area but just one...im wondering if they're part of thr outbreak or what? Anyone else experience this?
  3. Thanks guys! It was a rough few days but imnso happy im out in the open w him now! @wcsdancer yes I did tell him where to go because I know the places I ran into when I did my research... @beachluvr like wcsdancer said just do it. Its always so nerve racking leading up to it, I hate that part the most. But my process is to write it down so I can get a general gist of what im gonna say..like u said half of it doesn't end up in the conversation, but I get the point across. I tell my friends so that way I feel like I need to have this talk today and they'll hold me accountable for it. I picture it in my head going both ways so im prepared for whatever comes. But I think the most important thing about the talk is to make it come from the heart. I mean you're bearing a piece of you to someone, so it should be very vulnerable.... which is so scary but if they can't accept that piece how are they ever gonna deal w anything else that goes along w you? Good luck with your talk I hope it goes well for you! Its the scariest thing ever but its also very empowering as well. Let us know how it goes :)
  4. I had the herpes disclosure just now and i just wanted to share with everyone my first ever success!!! Id been dreading it all damn day, just freaking out and thinking the worst, like im never going to talk to him again... but it went well. Here's the back story...I meet this guy online, we have this great connection and he's fun to hang out with, the calmest guy Ive ever met in my life. We really hit it off and like pretty much hung out every otehr day since weve met. Well Ive been trying to take things slow and not get super attatched because the last guy I dated, I disclosed to him and he was coool with it and everything seemed great, but he changed his mind after a day. So i wasnt getting too caught up into it like I normally do. This last week I was like ok Ithink I need to tell him, but was so on the fence about it, like maybe he wont take it well. So we stupidly hook up and Im freaking out now...like great, you meet this great guy and youve already ruined it. Ive done this once before and ISWORE I would never do it again, because it makes the convo three trillion times harder, but here I am again... So im beating myself up and finally am like ok you just gotta tell him and whether it works or not, you just need to start being more honest and open. SOoo tonight, we go to a basketball game and I tell him when he drops me off at my house..had this whole speech prepared, and rehearsed, but of course it comes out half as long and with a lot more ums and uhs and sighs. I got it out though and I actually didn't cry at all, like I was wanting to, but this was a first of not crying. Woot. He was perfectly calm after I told him and said ok, we'll figure it out as we go!! I was sooo shocked, huh are you sure? He says, yeah i mean whats done is done and we cant take it back, so I'll research a little more and we'll just figure it out. I was like alright...wow. He asks whatd you think I would just flip out and kick you out of my car? Well yeah, you never know how people will react to it. Then he assures me that he likes me a lot thats why hes been spending so much time with me and he was even sweet enough to ask if theres anything he could do? I am just sooo ecstatic that it actually went well for once. I just hope it continues this way! Just cant express how proud i am that I did it in a positive light and didnt cry and it actually came out ok. Thanks guys for everything, Ive been trolling this site for the past couple of days to get motivation and inspiration from everyone here. It always helps to hear everyone elses experience with herpes!!
  5. I wanted to say that I was like the both of you too. Except his was on his lip, and I was like oh thats definitely a cold sore. But didnt put two and two together when I let him go down on me. Like oh I can get herpes from a coldsore...even though I knew. I feel like herpes is so tricky since it looks pretty much like a zit or an ingrown hair or a number of things. And i remember always thinking before that oh ill be able to recognize if someone has an std or theyll tell me. Until I got herpes I didnt realize how very wrong I was...and I know im not the only one who thought/thinks that way which is so scary.
  6. Sometimes its hard for me to look at the big picture and not get caught up in the details. I know that if it doesnt work out that its meant to be that way but its hard not to get sad over it. Ugh I know im setting myself up for failure with my thinking, but sometimes I just would rather be pleasantly surprised than severely disappointed. Ahh..im so scared. I am just gonna reread what ive wrote so I can stick to what I wanna say. Thanks for the links WCS! And damn OBs always come when im freaking out about them and nothing else. So strange, its like they can hear me lol jk
  7. Having the herpes talk.....yet again. The last time I did It went good then he changed his mind after a day. This is a new guy and I need to remember that theyre not the same person. Today im going to try to spin it off positively and see how it works. Ughh I hate getting prepped for these and usually bail on doing it...but I have to do this today and just need a lot of confidence building because I only see it going badly. Although I want it to go well and will hope for the best, I just havent had a totally successful talk yet. I hate this. Ugh and just got an outbreak today what are the chances of that?
  8. In the past, it was usually time to disclose when I had a feeling we were close to having sex...not right before sex, but like i knew it would be coming up in the next date or so. And like I said, it's usually the sex comes first and then the relationship, never the other way around...which is dumb but Im just telling like it is. I guess it is determined by how emotionally close I feel with them, if a good opportunity comes up of me telling them I need to have a talk with them, or something along those lines. In the past opportune times just happened to come up, but I never was in a relationship with them. The only reason Im freaking out(other than the obvious reason) is because I'm almost 90% positive that he's gonna ask me out Monday and I feel like I can't say yes until I tell him about my herpes! I feel like thatd be a good time to tell him, but I feel kinda shitty doing it then... ughhh idk!!! I definitely have the feeling that I WANT to tell him, but again Im nervous for fear of rejection and also just don't know how to bring it up. I would love to hear your fail proof way of knowing the time to disclose Adrial!
  9. So like most of the posts I have, they usually start off with Im seeing this guy and it's starting to get serious. He doesn't know I have herpes yet, and yes I want to tell him, i just have no clue when I should. Unlike most of my situations, we haven't been anywhere near having sex, so it hasn't come up. I have this feeling a relationship is going to happen first before having sex, which is totally fine and really ideal, but Im just scared that if we're in a relationship first and I wait to tell him it might go badly. I just have no clue how to bring it up!!! It's just so hard, I feel like every time I disclose, it's a new situation. I would appreciate any advice :)
  10. Rogue: I am glad you were inspired by this. :) I can relate with your mother situation, my parents are really close to me and I want to let them into my life and feel all I am feeling. It's hard when they won't acknowledge, this HUGE part of me. You're right though, they probably are just not knowing how to react to it. I know my parents mean well and only want to watch what theyre saying in order to keep from offending me. But sometimes I just wish theyd ask or talk about it with me. i know I definitely feel like all that shapes me to be a better parent. I feel like if I had someone to talk to about all my feelings, none of this would've happened in the first place...or maybe it would have who knows. Feel free to talk to me about it any time, I am very open about it and would love someone to talk to about it as well. lulu: I know exactly what you are getting at. That's exactly what I fear and why I haven't told the rest of my family yet. I just want to be honest and open with them and hopefully they have a better reaction to it...or even just helps me in my journey to telling people. It's still hard, I have not told anyone who I haven't been intimate with since my two best friends...when I first found out a year ago.
  11. I don't think this makes you immoral or distrustful at all. The fact that you told him before even putting him at risk is AWESOME! Shows you have integrity! It's really scary to disclose ANYTHING to anyone. Like lulu said its your timetable, and you werent putting him at risk, so it was up to you when to disclose. I feel like to be perfectly honest with him from here on out is the best thing to do. If he allows. I mean if he wasn't willing to stick around and here your side of the story maybe he wasn't the man for you? Thats the way I always look at it. Good luck I hope everything turns out ok! Keep your head up!
  12. Listening to this John Mayer song, Say, the lyrics always pop into my head whenever I am about to disclose to someone. "Even if your hands are shaking And your faith is broken Even as the eyes are closing Do it with a heart wide open Say what you need to say" It's like he wrote the song for that reason or at least I pretend he did. hehe. It just gets me thinking though, i need to say what i need to say. It's just a skin condition, they're just words, why is it so hard to disclose. Once it's out there and said it's not as scary! It's just the initial saying it and bringing it up, but how much better would life be if everyone quit playing games and were real down-to-earth people. I tend to respect people who are real, who are raw, honest and vulnerable. It's hard to be that way, it takes real strength to admit to your faults and be who you TRULY are. Then why do we spend so much time trying to cover that up and lie to ourselves? Myself included, these are things I constantly have to remind myself. I have just had a lot on my mind lately. I have been debating on telling the rest of my family I have herpes...which is like so scary to me. When I found out, I only told my parents and they haven't really had a reaction about it to this day. They just kind of ignore it and tip toe around it...which I guess is fine, but just really frustrating because I want someone that Im really close to, to talk about it and not act like it's such a tragedy. Id almost rather have them be unsupportive sometimes. I'm just worried that my siblings will be unsupportive...especially my brother, he's the biggest concern. I am closest to him in age and we were best friends for awhile. We've really drifted apart for awhile and recently have been getting closer, but I am so scared he will say something dumb to make me mad or tell his friends or be really judgemental. I know he's my brother and everything, but he's also kind of a jackass. haha. I just haven't found the courage to tell any of my siblings, it's almost harder to tell them than a potential partner, because if I didn't tell them they would most likely never find out. Scary stuff. ALso to go along with saying what I need to say, I have been thinking a lot about this guy from my past. Back when I was in high school I met some guy who changed my life in such a small amount of time, but I honestly will never forget him. He was my very first and, until i got herpes, only encounter with anyone with an STD. He was very honest with me, told me like 2nd time we ever talked that he had HPV. I remember being so freaked out, but he was literally the coolest guy, only guy I could have an all night conversation with. We related so much and I liked him a ton, but i just remember being so judgemental about his condition and really debating not continuing ever talking to him again. I did of course because he didn't "bring it on himself" he was blacked out and raped. I think about him all the time now, like how he must of felt telling me all of that and how scary it was. Im just amazed how honest he was from the start and how awful I was for ever thinking that. And I think that is why I have such a hard time disclosing, because I know how it felt to be on the other end, receiving a disclosure. I have also been thinking that I wish there was some way I could contact him so I could apologize and really tell him how much I respect him for having so much honesty and integrity. Even at 17, he had more honesty and integrity than I will ever have and I aspire to be more like that. I guess this is my public apology to him. ANyways, sorry for the length of this and the rambling, just had to put it all out there :)
  13. I could cry from this post. I relate soooo much to all of what you have said. Thank you for posting this, I definitely needed to hear something like this today :)
  14. I know that is what is upsetting me! I think we're saying the same thing, just not realizing it lol I know Im upset because of my low self esteem, been a problem all my life. All I'm saying is that it is magnified by like 100 when it comes to herpes and 100 more when it comes to relationships and 30000000000000000 times more when the two are combined. Im saying I always have low self esteem, and i try to build myself back up, but then things set me back. I understand the root of all the problems, i get it. I know what's wrong with me, I'm just trying to sort through the feelings I have associated with this particular problem. I like to talk my emotions out and things seem a lot clearer to me when i can write them out. I don't believe people need all this self help sometimes, i just believe all you need is a listening ear and someone to understand where you are coming from. But thanks for debating with me James its been fun!
  15. Well Im not a last resort, and I know that nor should i be treated like one. I know I am NOT i just feel hurt he would even trick me like that. I understand your point that I'm only feeling this way because of me. but going with your example, your mom tells you that you're a handsome son everyday, but when someone tells you otherwise-you have a fat ass-of course you're going to be upset...doesnt mean you are a fat ass,but you're still going to be upset over it. thats just what im saying, of course im not a last resort, but im hurt anyone would think so. And i was writing all this in anger and frustration and im going to be more dramatic and say im all these things, but thats not truly what i believe. More upset in particular that this guy would think im a last resort...because at one point i was a first pick for him. Im not going to play the literal game where, oh yes he tried to get with other girls before me, because thats not the point!!!! Its the way he made me feel...and i know i am in control of how i feel, not him, but you can't deny that other people do affect the way you feel. I know it's only up to me to control how much i let it affect me, but I'm a guarded person and when someone who I've completely let my walls come down with, hurts me....well I have a harder time controlling how much they affect me. PLUS to throw herpes all into the mix, i am still dealing with it and the lack of confidence it gives me when it comes to dating. and trying to get over the stigma of it all and brush it off like its nothing.Then it is just made a million times harder when someone is rejecting me because of herpes and then doing it all over again. I just feel hopeless and i know i shouldnt, but when you're knocked down repeatedly it's really hard to want to get back up. or put yourself out there...it takes a strong person and Im not quite there yet. The core of it, I am upset I let myself believe he wanted me back when really he just wanted to tell me how much i fucked up his life. I am upset he quit talking to me over herpes I am upset he used me for sex when I thought we were headed in the direction of a relationship I am upset over how I let emotions get the best of me and let him hurt me....again. I am upset herpes has an effect on my dating life because it shouldnt.
  16. Sorry I dont mean to diss on guys...im just angry about this guy. And I was fine when i first met him, but felt vulnerable when he texted me today....so feeling weak and just texted him back, because im weak and pathetic. or atleast thats how i feel now. Because I actually really cared for this guy, he's the first guy Ive really thought I could be in a relationship with after being diagnosed. Yes, i was very clear with him-or so i thought, but it was also my very first disclosure so it was messy. Yes we had been on many dates and 3 dates after my disclosure we hooked up for the first time. He told me after our disclosure, I can really see us going somewhere and i really care about you so Im not going to throw that away. So i guess he led me on to get what he wanted....and then shortly after peace out...or realized he was more upset about herpes than he thought. Yes it was a lack of communication, but not on my part by any means...hes the one who just quit talking to me and hes the one who quit trying. I gave it my all... he texts me again 7 months later about how hes been thinking about me and hopes im doing well......he didnt care he only wanted to tell me he had herpes... So im his only option and he can only resort to me...not because he likes me not because hes been "thinking about me" just because im his only option now. i just feel tricked and just terrible about myself.....im only good enough to be a last resort...not a first pick. awesome. so im sorry for being bitter towards men but i really have not seen the good few out there and im a little jaded.
  17. Yes whoopsi and combining those parts of yourself is definitely not an easy process!!! Nor should it be! I just hope I can come to that day sometime soon, because I know all this pain and emotion HAS to be worth something in the end! Yeah, last year when I was diagnosed with herpes, was a tough year. Broken off engagement, struggling with my career, drinking problems, acceptance and self confidence issues. All lead up to my herpes diagnosis and that on top of everything else....so herpes brings up a lot of issues for me. It's funny reading through these posts on the forum it seems that everyone else is on the same page. It's not herpes that they're really concerned about, just all the issues of self worth. Why does it take herpes or something dramatic for us to deal with these things? Crazy! I don't know about posting on Facebook. Like I said, it scares me the most to have those random acquaintances knowing and judging. I don't think I will ever be sooo out in the open about it, because I believe that if you wanna know all my skeletons/issues/whatever, you should put in the time in getting to know me. I'm not just going to dish it out to whoever is holding their hand out. I also feel like I wouldn't want to be "herpes girl". However, I do want to tell more people that I am close to. And maybe if someone ever brought up something about herpes I could chime in and say well I have herpes.... I still think I have a lot of growing to do and gaining of confidence to get to that point though. ALSO if someone were to tell everyone for me, like say post on Facebook, then I would be absolutely mortified at first, but then get on and accept it. Set everyone straight. I know after the initial shock of it all, it would be a huge weight off my shoulder not having to hide the elephant in the room!!!
  18. Adrial, I love the shadow of a scary monster on the wall analogy. That is exactly what it is! :) When you're in the dark it's really scary thinking oh no, all these people are going to reject me, they're going to judge me, how awful! When in light/reality, it's only a tiny mouse, a good filter as you said! I always forget the bright side of it though :/ How did it feel when it first got out to a lot of people? I imagine that for me it would be very uncomfortable...especially if it wasn't me telling everyone! I think that I am probably more afraid of someone telling everyone I know as opposed to me telling. I feel like in that instance it would be that person adding to the stigma and not getting the right information out. If I were telling everyone, I would at least know I'm getting them the CORRECT facts and maybe they'd see me in a different light? Idk. Heart of Gold, I agree! It would be awesome if everyone knew. My fear is the telling them part... if only i could just skip through that to the part where everyone knew and had either accepted or rejected it already. Also, I think it's fine telling the people I am close to, because I can trust that if they are really meant to be that close to me then they will accept it. The part that is not fine, is telling those acquaintances, those people you don't know how they'll react, because of the unknown factor. And I don't know why I would care about them more, because it's not like they're huge parts in my life, but it's just scary thinking about it still. Whoopsidaysi, that's kind of what I was thinking along the lines of is Facebook.... if I could just post stuff on there that I post on here, i think people would understand me a little better. That is interesting that you haven't told your son, and I think that is a whole different relationship too than any of the one's I'm even thinking about. Along the lines of you not wanting to tell someone you've been married 3 times rather than herpes, I think I don't want to tell people I have herpes because It brings up a whole Pandora's box of other issues I don't want to discuss that go along with it. So maybe it's not even herpes Im even all that worried about? Thinking about how herpes if a part of you, like another quirk about you, is something I need to focus on. Instead of separating it from myself....welll theres me, then there's herpes me. Just some thoughts I had.
  19. I was thinking the other day, what if someone, somehow, told everyone you know that you have herpes? For me, all my closest family and friends know I do, because I trust them. If it got out to an aquaintance of mine, I have no clue how I would react...I think I'd be a little freaked out especially if it were ALL my aquaintances. I want to be a part of changing the stigma about herpes and all, but man, if that came out so fast like that I can't help but freak out. I guess I suppose it would also make a difference if I were the one to tell everyone vs someone else telling everyone. Anyways, I'm just curious to see how everyone would react to this. Any thoughts?
  20. So Ive had herpes for 8 months and have only had one break out. I thought i was lucky enough to only get it once and never again, but ughh....i think I am having another breakout. Well obviously I don't know my break outs well enough since I've only ever had one. Im not really sure if it's an outbreak or not, but anyways my first clue was it was just painful when I went to wipe. It's pretty red and irritated looking, but no bumps. Is there always bumps or sometimes is there not? I noticed 3 days ago and started taking my meds for it, but still no bumps. My first outbreak was pretty severe and awful, but i know the following one's aren't as bad as the first. is this an outbreak? sorry for the graphic descriptions.
  21. I got H from a guy I just hooked up with repeatedly and he says he didn't know. There was never any disclosure or choice for me, so I would hate to do that to someone else. I disclose because I don't want anyone to go through what I had to, feeling like someone took your life away....at first. Herpes was very unfortunate, but I'm glad it happened. It really forced myself to take a deep look in the mirror and see who I was becoming and really helped me get back to feeling like me. Ive had sex without disclosing once and it really just ate away at my conscious, so much so that I disclosed afterwards, which is a lot harder of a talk than beforehand! Not disclosing doesn't make you a terrible person, just a human being. That was the exact reason I didn't disclose, the one time, is because I was scared. At the time, I felt that I didn't want to disclose because I didn't want to be rejected so easily and whatever he probably won't talk to me after he gets what he wants anyways. It's really scary and I have felt the same, like i'm going to be alone forever. But its that kind of destructive thinking that ruins things before they even begin. I think this is everyone's fear, herpes or not, you just can't give up already! I think about before I had herpes, that if someone told me would I reject him? I think it really depends. In high school I met this guy (the only interaction I've ever had with STDs prior to my own) who I really connected with and he was very brave and told me he had HPV. I was really shocked, but I still talked to him because I really connected with him. I always keep that in mind, because if I totally hated the guy anyways I wouldve said no, but if I really got to know him and liked him, i wouldnt care. So Effemmell keep your head up! You won't be alone forever, Im sure you are an amazing person and there are plenty of people that would love to be with you, EVEN WITH herpes. I've definitely had these same thoughts you have SEVERAL times and you'll get through them. :)
  22. I agree Adrial. I hate lying to cover up another lie. I cant keep track of them anyways, and my guilt eats at me like none other. I did end up telling him... I posted it here: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/950/i-told-him-i-have-herpes-and-i-feel-confused-#Item_6
  23. Thanks all for the encouraging words! They really do mean a lot! To clear up, he wasn't saying anything really judgemental at all..in fact everything he said was the "right" thing to say. That he didn't care and he accepted, but just the tone of the conversation and the vibe of the night i was left feeling empty and confused. I have disclosed to one other guy and he was ok with it...or me at first, then couldn't deal with it even though he had hsv 1 too....his were on his lips though. So Im assuming this is where my fears from him being ok at first, then bailing later come from. Whoopsidaysi, you're totally right. I tend to look on the bad side of things (as most do Im sure) and not really remember the positives. I need to remember that this is about him and what HE can deal with and its not me, its the herpes. Its just hard because you feel like it's you...and i feel like sometimes certain people reject you and make it more personal rather than i just dont like that you have herpes. I think ultimately that's what my realization is, that I will never be ok with anyone in a relationship if i'm not ok with my situation first. It's just going to be a long journey of self acceptance and I hope I progress and not just get scared and quit trying. domh, I agree, it is very hard to be confident in something when you havent fully accepted it. I just thought I had accepted it because I was dealing with it for a good 4 months and going on like it never happened. But when it came to disclosing again thats when everything came undone that I had built up previously. Which I guess is good because it'll make me stronger. Hopefully itll make my disclosures easier too. I feel like the day before telling someone, IM sooo confident and have it laid out in a matter-of-fact type speech, but i get so overwhelmed about bringing it up or if Im going to follow through that by the time I get to the talk Im like crying and making a huge deal out of it. Its just so hard, I just hope one day i can make a confident, strong disclosure. Thanks for everything :)
  24. I finally disclosed to this guy I was seeing. I thought it would get this huge weight off my shoulders and we'd be closer and live happily ever after, but of course it's life and it didn't happen that way. I told him and he acted very strange....very quiet at first then he decided it was OK and wasn't that big of a deal and then he was kind of a jerk about it. He says to me that his ex had something like this, but not "as extreme" and i asked what it was and he says HPV. I laughed and told him me having herpes is not extreme at all, especially since I've only had 1 outbreak in my 7 months of having it. But he also says he's happy I told him now and not months later and I told him I felt guilty for not even telling him right away. He said he accepted it and it was OK he liked me a lot and that wouldn't stop him from liking me. SO you think I would be comforted and ecstatic, but i feel so empty and scared STILL. Like he's going to be OK with it for now, but it'll bother him in the future or he's just going to be mean about it. I guess it's just from some of the comments he made throughout the night or maybe it's just me. I was thinking after I went home, that I still haven't really accepted having herpes yet...I've been OK with it the last few months because I haven't been with anyone, but the second I start having some sort of relationship with a person I am back to square one. I just feel self conscious again and like no one will ever love or accept me and I just feel alone a lot of the time. Mostly because in person, I'm the only person I know of with H. I know I should accept it and feel good because he still wants to continue, but I just don't feel OK with it for some reason. I think I also hate it because I really wanted this disclosure to be a good positive one, but of course I can never tell someone without crying...or making a big deal out of it. When it's really not a big deal at all for me, it is just scary telling people and them judging you!!! And I just fear this is how all my disclosures will be...hopefully the more I do it, the less scary it is...Idk AHHHH i wish I had made some sort of progress with all of this. I'm going to give it time and see how he continues to act and then make a decision I guess.
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