Hello all, this is my first post here. I just stumbled across this forum a few hours ago & couldn't stop reading everyones post. Now its time for me to post, I am seeking advice from you all because I did something so horrible to someone I deeply care about.
Brief history lesson about myself: I am 23 year old female. I was diagnosed with GHSV1 when I was just 15 years old, contacted it after my first sexual encounter. My boyfriend & I at the time did wear a condom, and to this day he will deny the fact he gave it to me. It had to be him seeing as I've had no other sexual partners at the time. Anyways after that struggling 3 year relationship ended, at 18 I found myself in another relationship, partially in denial of my horribly stigmatized disease, and I did not tell my boyfriend. Ever. For two years had lots of unprotected sex, without me on daily suppressive meds, and somehow he miraculously didn't get it. He was a very abusive person, so after we broke up I was single and celibate for two years. Very bitter for many different reasons.
So about a year ago I met, who I swore up and down, was my soulmate. Within two weeks I swear I was already in love. But my guilt from not telling my ex was eating me alive and I vowed to never have sex again unless I told them. So I did have my first terrifying "I have herpes" talk last year. To my surprise, he took it extremely well. Held me as I cried, told me a secret of his about being previously married, told me there are worst things in life then herpes, then proceeded to continue our relationship, sex and all. He even was the one who further on in the relationship initiated wearing no condom, but I was on Valtrex too this time just to be sure no outbreaks. But unfortunately we broke up due to his lying and infidelities, go figure.
But here 8 years later, & even after the wonderful first discloser I had, I am still struggling with coping having to disclose this deep dark secret. Personally, having herpes doesn't bother me at all seeing as I don't even get outbreaks. I haven't had outbreaks since high school & thats with out daily suppressive therapy. Its just the terrible stigma and lack of education people have about it that worries me. Being judge, unloved, feeling not worthy etc. All those overwhelming feelings flood over me from time to time.
But just two days ago I did what I promised myself I would never do again. Not only did I have sex with someone who trusted me, but I had unprotected sex, which is so much worse. Its not like a topic of STDs ever came up, he never even attempted to wear a condom. I mean, we're both totally at fault, consenting adults who know the risk of unprotected sex. Hell, worse things than herpes can happen (HIV; pregnancy). Mind you, we have been pretty good friends for about 5 years now. Its been communicated over the years we both have mutual feelings for each other, we've finally decided to take it to the next level.
I swear every inch of my soul wishes I can take back what I did, hop in a time machine & replay the whole day out differently. But I can't :\ & now i'm stuck here with this guilty conscious eating me up, & I don't even know how to approach him. Already engaging in such risky behavior makes "the talk" THAT much harder for me to face. I don't just need to tell him but I WANT to tell him. I just know how hurt and betrayed he will be, & I don't know if I'm strong enough to lose him.
I'm sorry for such a long post. Its somewhat of a vent. This is the first time getting it off my chest so it is a lot & I do apologize. I will appreciate any and all words of advice you have to give.
-Rose
.jpg)
