Hello, I have been reading the forum for about a month. I decided to share because I feel like I'm going to crack mentally and emotionally. I'll try not to be long but I wanted to share my experience. Gay male here and I was given herpes somewhere between 5-10 years ago by an ex at some point in our relationship. We were together for about 5 years and we used protection for the first two years. We had one of our multiple STD talks at this point and after testing decided to stop using protection. I knew I tested clean and I took him at his word when he told me the doctor said all clear. I trusted him because I had no reason not to at that point. Fast forward some years later to our last month together, he had just returned from a business trip (he traveled a lot for his job and would be gone for a couple of days here and there up to two weeks at a time). So we were unpacking and a pill bottle fell to my feet. I picked it up and it said Valtrex on it. Immediately I asked why are you taking Valtrex? All I could get for an answer was "I have herpes." After a couple of hours of arguing I finally got the truth. "Up here and down there." In less than a month he took a job transfer and he disappeared. After picking myself up and finally convincing myself that I want, need to know my status I went and got tested. I tested positive for both 1 and 2.
So I tested at Planned Parenthood in 2009. After talking to the nurse, we had to do the blood test because I didn't have an outbreak. To this day I have no idea what an outbreak feels like. I haven't had a cold sore on my mouth or any blisters, rash, burning, tingling down there or anywhere. I don't know where I have what and it stresses me out. Should I stress about that? Anyway, Planned Parenthood....they took my blood and told me I would get my results in the mail. That was it. No information, no pamphlet, nothing. I knew it was a once you get it, you got it for life type deal and I thought it was spread if you had sores and blisters. Once I got my results and stopped crying and vomiting I decided I just won't have sex. So I didn't. Years go by and I still haven't had any symptoms, outbreaks, nothing. I thought what if Planned Parenthood messed up. So four months ago I went to my doctor and was retested. We got to talking about having sex and I told my doctor I haven't had sex with anyone in over five years. Trust me that I want to have sex voice in my head is screaming. She said once I get your results and if you're positive I will write you a script for Valtrex to take daily and you can start having sex again. Music to my ears. I can have sex again. Nothing was ever said to me about the phases of herpes or shedding. My naivety, is that how you spell that, got the better of me. I'm beating myself up now for not educating myself.
So about a month ago, before I found this website and all the knowledge and insight, I went down on a guy. It happened so fast and in the moment. I, we didn't discuss STD's. Sadly, the thought of finally having sex derailed me mentally. I don't know if he had anything and I didn't share with him that I have herpes. I was stupid and oblivious. My knowledge was I don't have an outbreak or cold sore, I'm good to go. So as I was laying in bed that night I realized exactly what I mentioned. There was no talk. So my mind starts racing, I begin to stress and I couldn't fall asleep. I got up and started reading and the more I read, the sicker I felt. It brought back everything I felt when I got my results. But this time, I could add to all that emotion I put someone else at risk. So for the past few weeks I have felt sick with guilt and panic because of my lack of knowledge and the fact I could be responsible for making someone feel what I felt if I gave them herpes. This truly is anguishing. I don't know who I should be more pissed at, the doctor for giving me a script and "freeing" me sexually or myself for being so stupid. I just pray to God he doesn't get it. I don't find comfort in the fact that he hasn't had any symptoms because I never had symptoms. So celibate and sexually disgruntled, here I come.
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