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Everything posted by JustAnotherOne

  1. LifeBeginsNow, Hey buddy, I'm so glad to see you here. I woke up too early and just found myself at this site again and saw your post. You words sound so much like the words I've had going through my head (except my outbreak was brutal, and will probably leave several noticeable scars,.. damn.) I know how you feel. My doctor didn't offer much help about lifestyle and diet or any other questions, and had no appreciation that his words would alter my life forever. I totally felt I let my parents down too, but when I told them they were actually kinda cool about it, they said these things happen and nobody expected you never to have sex, that I didn't let them down. My dad said to "not change my son," (though, honestly, they didn't seem to think it was a big deal at all and they're from another generation and I don't think they are really aware of the stigma of HSV and how hard it is going to be for me to find the love and affection I wanted in my life.) I've also been angry, doing the 'why me' thing, and feeling like I'm just this punching bag for the powers that be. I was pretty cautious, always got to know the person with a few dates, wore protection... and I have friends who often have one night stands, who've had more than one STD (that goes away!) and still they continue to roll the dice with there sexual health and they still get to go on and enjoy their lives unrestricted. But!... I can tell you, there are many people with this condition that go on to get married and have kids regardless, though I have no idea how they did it. I don't even know how you date with this. As a guy I feel I've learned you gotta be a little forward, and I don't know how to do that when I feel like I'm 'tricking' the person that I'm a great catch and then dropping the 'disclosure' bomb on their heads. But, we are both new at this so it might just take a minute to figure it out. We're on the same boat, and I'm glad you spoke up. Like the name, by the way. -Just
  2. "Bravery is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of it. ~John Berridge
  3. I might be yelling into the air about this but I just was thinking... I spent more than a few days checking out sites online looking for information that I wanted (but isn't always available). Really I think we want to hear about others experiences, fear and successes. I didn't want to join anything because it would mean really acknowledging my condition, and this was never supposed to be me, and was not part of the great plans I had for myself and my sex life. I emailed Adrial with some questions about his experiences and told him some of mine and he encouraged me to join and post up here. I really did it out of gratitude to his quick response time and thoughtful answers, but a day after I started posting, people started opening up and reaching out and I'm so glad to have this space to do so. As guys, I think we typically have more denial about this sorta thing and don't want to admit it to ourselves (this sucks, why should I? None of my other friends have to deal with this). Most information online on this experience is shared by women, and I love having their opinions, wisdom and encouragement here (another reason to join), but I think you're denying yourself and the 'community' a chance for healing. I know people have responded and related to my posts and it helps me not feel so alone. So I'm encouraging you guys, sack up and say something! Stop being scared. It's OK to post things up, your stories, your fears, your anger, how things have changed, maybe the successes you've had. I know there are things I really wanted and I'm hurt, angry and lost about it. You're not the only one who feels that way. If you want just post below and rant and rave, that'd be cool. You don't have to hold back. Just f-ing do it. Not trying to be a bully, but I was there and I'm so glad I opened up. Just undo the knot you got inside you. Hope you hear what I'm saying, and if your joining after reading this, say what's up on this discussion. And WOMEN, don't think you can't post here, I encourage everyone. I'm just thinking there are probably people who are like me and never put in, but I'm telling you the only way you're gonna hear the things you need to hear is to do it.
  4. Hey again guys, And welcome, Babs. I'm glad you felt the words and the hurt. I felt yours too, I hate that I'm not the virus-free loving guy who could feel free to be intimate with someone just cause I liked them and they liked me. Seriously, this probably wouldn't anything if it wasn't for the perpetuated stigma and fear. I've read this whole page like 5 times in the last two days. I think the cop story has to be one of my favorite disclosure success stories I've read! Please keep sharing! This is one of the few resources online that makes me feel less alone, and makes me feel like maybe I can still enjoy my life, go out and meet people and still feel attractive and charming (though I don't plan on getting close enough to anyone to disclose anytime soon, even though I really really miss the "possibility" of building enough attraction to have sex, this is pretty hard for anyone but I feel like I've only recently started entering my prime, and my sexuality and body feel wasted). I feel like, yeah, I'll never be able to chat with a cute girl at a coffee shop and maybe go on a couple of dates and eventually experience passion with them. I haven't been looking for a relationship, and I don't know how I'll ever experience sex without being in one due to the level of trust and attraction needed to overcome the stigma. I guess it's still important for me to feel desired, even if I have to shy away or turn down intimacy. But you ARE the kind of women who know things, and I believe you, we will find someone (though I'm scared of how long it'll be and what the options will be like). Thank you guys for responding, sharing and encouraging. Sometimes I feel inspired to be brave, other times I'm still overwhelmed by fear and regret. You are right though, we need to be 'really fucking brave.' you ARE a strong women, and know it because have given me some strength in moments where I can find none. DON'T let this change you into a fearful woman. Even when you are afraid, remember you are BIGGER than this, you aren't alone, and even when we can't have all the things we want at times (We will, though), we still can stand up and be courageous, that's a victory that we always have a choice to claim, and no one can stop us. Also, Kristin, If you have the means, and possibly friends or family who can watch a dog if you travel, I know that having a fuzzy buddy will be a huge source of comfort, especially when your going through slices of hell. And Lelani, I know it seems like your being singled out by comedians, TV and music (I feel like no love song applies to me or my problems anymore, with the exception of 'tainted love'). It seems hard and unfair that your givers have significant others in their lives, but that just means that you can too, and you will be cherished! In fact, people already do, from this blog, to your friends who have you photographing their weddings, to dance partners, to lovers, both former and prospective and I'm assuming being as cool of a 'mom,' among other things, as you seem to be, I'm sure your kids do to. With all that there, it's only a matter of time before everything falls in place, and until then you got a place to just throw it all out there among friends. Don't think these were on the quote board, but sometimes they help me. "Bravery is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of it. ~John Berridge Courage consists not in hazarding without fear, but being resolutely minded in a just cause. ~Plautarch Sometimes, when I think about how it hurts to be alone, and feel that no one will ever want me, and that I'm not ready or the timing isn't right to disclose even if I was presented with an opportunity, I have a weird comfort in feeling like this is what I have to do to protect the people I love, right now anyway. Maybe in time, I can own this and when I am with someone I can trust, I'll open up and take the chance, but for now I sorta soldier on and take a silent solace in the guts, badass-ery, and sweetness of caring about people so much that you will take the pain yourself, rather than do something to hurt others. It's hard to explain. I'm not ready to be with someone because of the way this makes me feel about myself and sexuality, and the thought of disclosure, sex and the transmission risk just takes away the comforting feeling of being with someone, though, in all honesty, that's all I want right now. So now I suck it up and go outside when I need a moment and remind myself that all I can do now is try to still be the person I was, the one who felt attractive and confident, without the result being sex, and if I do attract someone, I can enjoy that too, even if I feel I need to protect them from myself right now. If they really do care, I can tell them, and maybe have someone who understands and empathizes even if they can't take the risk, though I'd hate being thought of as the nice guy who got herpes and what a shame. But, just having someone know my secret strength would be helpful. I hung out with the love of my life (long time girlfriend, recent separation, good terms) yesterday. She needed to borrow my car for a project at work the next day and we met up and hung out for a few hours. When I got sick and was misdiagnosed a month ago (doctor thought it was just eczema) I mentioned that I had got something and was getting tested, and that I thought I might have herpes, but I was waiting on blood work. I asked if she could still love me and if it's still possible that down the line we can be together, and she laughed, smiled, grabbed my hand and said 'I can't believe you think this changes anything,' and 'I'm not gonna write a list of pro's and con's to decide who I spend my life with,' when I was worried about this taking me out of the running if I'm compared to other guys. Still, we can't be together now for reasons beyond my condition, and I'm scared her feelings will change. She hasn't asked me about the results and I am still waiting on blood work to confirm the type. Being around her, was both comforting and painful. I missed our relationship so much, I couldn't help but look at her body and feel like I'll never have it again. This was MY girl. It hurts so much, because all I want is to grab her and fall into her arms and go back to the way it was. I don't know how I'm gonna deal with this. I will talk to her about in the next couple weeks, maybe dinner and a hike, but it's gonna be so hard throwing this obstacle to the possibility of ending up together. I've been so nostalgic for anything that reminds me of her, which is everything around me; passing through her area or her freeway exit, local bands, the streets I took when I'd pick her up from work with my dog and go home to cook dinner together and pass out watching 'madmen.' I think about how vivid her life seems (big social circle, goes out to see shows, knows of parties and things) and all the possibilities she has, especially to meet someone else, and I feel like that's it for me. She'll move on and I'll never find a girl as amazing as her (she's fucking awesome across the board) to love me as much as she did. Then I think about what's left, (ie: my long-time crush (argh! why now?!!) and meeting new awesome girls) and I'm frozen with fear, like life has closed up around me. I just wish things were simple again. I think just ranting and raving helps sometimes, maybe bring these feelings up so that we can dispel them (especially with the help of others). Keep it up, we can make it, and we can make it together. Much love you guys. PS If you haven't come across this yet, take a look. pretty encouraging. http://www.racoon.com/herpes/hall/15.html#47
  5. WOOOOOOOOO!!! and Wow! That's beautiful. I'm so happy for you. Gives a lot of us newcomers who are still in shock and can't see much of a future just a little bit of hope. I can't even imagine how good of a feeling that was, perhaps it was relief, happiness and sweetness on a level you would never have known without having gone through a cold and bitter period as you did. So kudos, and up top! When you share about this, it's a victory to every person fighting to keep their heads up (like me) when they know it'd be easier to give up, so please keep posting about this great change you made! This is about YOU and what you managed to get for yourself through all the pain and suffering. So congratulations, your guy is lucky, as you yourself have enough 'balls' for the two of you. Though, as a guy, I should follow that with a quote that honors all you lioness women everywhere... "Why do people say "grow some balls" when they mean toughen up? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.” - Sheng Wang Keep it up and stay beautiful.
  6. I am doing the same thing. I was diagnosed almost a month ago, and my initial outbreak was pretty bad. I still have discolored skin and I'm worried that large patches will be scarred permanently. (Can you imagine? especially when everyone else is done in 7-10 days!) I'm pretty scared that even if someone did want to be with me, the physical scarring would be too much and they'd freak out. I haven't been able to hang with friends, or be social for more than brief intervals, because I inevitably start worrying and comparing my life now to theirs. I was hitting the gym and loving the way my body was looking but since the diagnosis I lost a lot of time being sick and depressed. I still don't feel like getting back to training and that there really is no point in becoming this "hot" person if you aren't able to be a sexual being. I have been eating poorly and took up my long ditched habit of smoking, and that isn't helping anything though it does help the stress and give me an excuse to get out and be alone. However, I know this will have to end soon. Though it's dark, cold and lonely now, it might not be that way in a while, perhaps even sooner than you think. I know I'm gonna have to start up again and am making plans to do things; get back in shape, get a better job, be around and make friends, volunteer, because when the time comes and we get out of this more traumatic period, and we do want to start to try and really live again, that we'll be so far behind from where we wanted to be. I'm no doctor, but do what you gotta do to feel better for the time being, you don't need to freak out over eating something fattening or whatever. You can do that from time to time. Just think of where you want to be long term (you mentioned a master's). If you just stay working toward that consistently, it's gonna happen and the little 'bad' things you do or enjoy aren't gonna matter as much. I don't think your outbreaks will get worse over time. You might need to figure out what works for you as far as meds, diet and supplements, but it typically gets less frequent and severe as your body builds anti-bodies. Keep going to the film festivals, hang out with your mom [i haven't seen mine since diagnosis and I could use one of her comforting back scratches that she gave me when I was upset as a kid], stay engaged socially with your friends. ENGAGE, it's hard but you can do it. You'll need to for that master's and to make sure that as time goes by you are in a better situation. Everyone says "it takes time," but that doesn't mean you have to sit around and wait, use the time. Just don't hurt yourself. And check out and comment on other posts. People here, especially those with more experience, help me realize not to give up and that we are gonna be ok. We are gonna be ok. Good luck, and much love.
  7. WOW! Kristin and Lelani, THANK YOU. THANK YOU guys so much for the support and for taking the time and responding with a love and sweetness I would never expect from people I've never had the pleasure of meeting. You give me hope and that maybe this 'vulnerability' thing does have it's advantages (Damn! Saying just that made me feel vulnerable!). It also felt great to know that you could 'see me,' even though I feel that I've been defined by this trauma, like the classic 'I am my disease' identification. The timing of your responses couldn't be better! I woke up at 4:30 am, my head was spinning with anxiety (still hard to wake up to this reality) to the point that I made myself nauseous. After pacing around and sitting out on my rooftop and feeling alone looking at the half-lit city and thinking about all the people sleeping peacefully, I walked back to my computer and all of a sudden, I wasn't so alone. You are both amazing, strong women and your words are heartening. They make me want to stand up again. KRISTIN, It really does help to know that you've listened to the "mission impossible self-destructing 'mix-tape'" before. I felt like a modern day Job (guy who rhymes with 'robe,'), like I was being singled-out for misery. He loses everything and gets covered with sores. Getting laid off, separating with my long-time girlfriend, losing my dog [wish he was here now] and then getting this right as I'm feeling ready to step out into the world again, and incidentally right as my long time crush moves into town, just seemed too personally ironic. It does help to know that people have had similar experiences. Thanks for the encouragement and reminding me that I'm still THAT guy, and I can still be desirable (though it's gonna take some time to own it again), and that I need to let people know THAT guy. Your words guide me towards a place of what I want to be, can be. Also the line about women are not nearly as enamored with your penile appearance as we are, and the "little you," made me laugh. In fact, I loved that whole 'while on the subject of penises' paragraph. Really laid it down and helped me understand how it is, especially from the type of generous giving and loving people I want to be with. I think most guys couldn't resist that type of girl, especially when she can openly list 'penis' on her favorite things, as well as wanting to 'make it feel things even you never knew it could.' Most importantly, thanks for telling me "you are going to be okay. You are....And the guy who wrote your post is just the kind of guy who can make his story end happily ever after." I can't express how your words reached me in this dark, cold and lonely place. It really means so much to me right now. LELANI, It means a lot to know that I can still be worth the risk, and your willingness to accept the risk to be with your previous lover, and the fact that you are still friends is very comforting. Also, that you and your travelling buddy are able to enjoy a on/off seemingly casual relationship with a loving caring foundation. Both those things, make me feel that maybe, just maybe, someday, when the time is right, that my old lover can still want to end up with me, [a possibility we both acknowledged leading up to and beyond the separation], and will see me as worth it, like you did to your previous lover. Maybe my long-time crush and I could even get a chance to express ourselves physically like you and your new lover. Your words "Your crush is a lucky girl to have a guy like you longing for her," lifted my unsteady heart with a long forgotten youthful courage. And your'e right, I am really grieving the loss of sexual freedom. I wanted to have that while I was going through this time since my separation, and my diagnosis has added weight and pain and regret to it exponentially. I fear being alone. I fear losing the possibility of ending up with the love of my life [i'd be hard pressed to find anyone to love me like she did even before this, she was a keeper, but we both felt too young]. I fear finding out that my crush likes me after a decade of knowing them and right as things line up for us, and that I'll have something taken away from me that would have made me so feel ecstatic and alive after all these years. I can't imagine what the opposite of that feeling would be like, if the only thing stopping us would be my condition. sigh. I don't want to 'settle' either because I'm afraid of being alone and have no one to wrap my arms around (and fall into bed with) anymore. Anyway, Well, I do apologize. I don't mean to be so dark and it really helps to hear from you guys. So on a lighter note, maybe this story will get a laugh. While in the waiting room to get my blood work done just after being diagnosed and experiencing the initial feelings of disbelief, shock and fear, the song "tainted love" by soft cell came on the radio. I almost burst out simultaneously crying and laughing! NEVER heard the song like that before. "Don't toooouch meee please!" And all I could do was sit there and just let the nurse's personal radio mock me, right in my face! I wanted to hurl it out the window. You can't make this stuff up! I have been dying to tell that to someone and I thought you guys could appreciate it. Also, I know it's not the most positive name, but it was the best I could do at time. I'll think about it some more. You definitely got a good theme going with 'breatheandletgo,' but I'm still working on that myself. Right now, all I've got is, 'HoldMybreathAndObsessUntilIPassOut.' hmmm... I guess I'll go back to the drawing board on that one. Much Love and Thanks again. Please keep posting. I know I'll need it.
  8. SO, This is a long post and I apologize, but I gotta pour my guts out somewhere. Hey and thanks for putting up the site. I'm a recently diagnosed (1 month in) male of 27 years, and it's been really hard on me. I wanted a fulfilling and open sex life for myself and wanted to meet different people and find out what works for me and what I can mean to others. I feel like my best relationship is now behind me and I have a long lonely life of shame to live as I watch everyone enjoy their best years. I know I'm supposed to stay positive, but I'm having trouble. I'm not trying to give my life story or ask what you'd do (though I'd definitely ask what you would do) but I was wondering if you've dealt with these mind traps where there seem to be no options. I'm trying to see the 'opportunity' but all I see is big steel clad dead ends. I had a 7 year relationship with the love of my life and we separated on the most loving terms because we both needed to grow and identify with ourselves as individuals while we were young, and I had been hoping when the time was right and we were older and ready that we could make it happen for real (only girl I've ever thought I could raise kids with when I would be ready), so now I'm afraid that's gone forever. We had enjoyed years of safe, care-free, youthful, monogamous & condomless (sob) sex. I became 'marked' after we took our time apart, and though she may still love me and I know she won't judge me, why would she come back now that it can never be like it once was? Meanwhile, the biggest crush of my life (the one who got away!) moved back into town and has been calling me to hang out, and now, for the first time in a decade of knowing them, I HOPE they want to be JUST friends! I won't be ready for a while to even consider disclosing not just psychologically but physically. (On a side note: because I have eczema, which aggrandizes the infection, I'm scared of having scars too now. Imagine that! telling some one you have herpes and whipping out a scarred member! A month in my lesions are just healed up but I got patches all over of lighter, pinker skin that looks like that Micheal Jackson disease. Does that always heal up and on severe outbreaks you just have to wait it out longer?) On top of that, I'm in the San Francisco Bay Area and I see or meet beautiful women all the time, and they have plenty of options and often have to bat away men, so this is a hard thing to deal with if you have this stigma, and I see why so many people don't disclose (but the thought of being THAT guy is probably scarier to me than being ridiculed). I know it's all in my head and no one knows what the future holds, but I am dealing with the biggest feelings of loss I've ever had in my life, and it's not something you can just tell anybody! whew... should take a breath after that one. You ever been here? I'm still at the place where it seems impossible to be with anyone, even down the line. I don't see any conceivable possibility. Who hasn't been trained to not have sex with someone with an STD?! Even so if someone did take the chance, how could I put someone at risk, especially if I genuinely care about them? For example, I'm imaging disclosing to someone like my aforementioned long time crush who has recently come back into my life, and what if they were ok with being intimate (fat chance!) and they got it and then they had to explain to their family and friends, who I know, about how I gave it to them. Pretty bad, right? Negative affirmations flood me when I think about any outcome. What do I do if she showed interest? I have no idea, if I'll even be ready mentally or even if I'll still have scars physically. Should I just cover and say I'm going through a tough time [in the last few months I was laid off, separated with my long time girlfriend, and my loving dog passed away, all before this happened] and that I just need a friend and thus deny myself the chance to be with someone I've always wanted. (ouch!) I'm sure an amazing and strikingly beautiful girl like this has a lot to look forward to in life and her risking an STD is probably not gonna happen. Otherwise, I could chance it and tell her and risk her thinking of me differently or be instantly turned off by me forever (that would hurt, though I know she'd still be a friend and would at least be someone I could trust and talk to, though it would kill me to make myself dirty or lose my 'attractive' status if it actually WAS there). OR let's just say this amazing person, who has plenty of other interested people, for some reason took a chance on me, and actually contracted my disease (also UNthinkable). AT BEST, she's ok with the risk and we enjoy a brief time together and I have let her go on her way before anything happens to her, buuut.....that's a big risk for her to take on what would have most likely been a casual-sexual-tension-breaking relationship within our ongoing friendship (which I think we both value) and I, honestly, don't think she'd be comfortable with taking that chance. The best of these seem like watered down substitutions for something that I really wanted. At this point, I wish I could just get even ONE chance to express myself and my 9 years of long drawn out feelings for her physically in a night of care-free child-like giddy passion, but right as the stars lined up for me, this happened. Additionally, opening up to talk about this and trusting people is gonna be hard for me. My giver was someone who was educated, sweet, well-traveled, involved in philanthropic non-profit causes and environmental work, and someone about whom all my friends said "dude, she's hot and actually a sweet girl, she's relationship material." I never would never have guessed, so to the point when I was diagnosed I was actually worried I somehow gave it to her. When we were getting intimate, I asked if she had been tested and she said she was and was fine, which was probably true at the time of the test, but since then she had had unprotected sex with someone else a short time before me and did not mention it, stating only that she tested and was 'disease-free.' The night she was with me was right before her primary outbreak (she later admitted that she felt it the next day, mine came just a couple days after that). We were protected, but as cruel fate would have it, it tore and I don't even know how long it was before I noticed, and when I did I wasn't worried because of her 'supposed status.' I was just glad that I noticed before climax and risking conception, and threw another one on. Note: To the makers of that condom with the white wrapper and the red square or leaf logo in the middle... FUCK. YOU. (Ha! I know I can't blame anyone, but feels good. I'm one of those regretful brats who considered myself a responsibly sexually active person (never had a one night stand, never had full on intercourse with someone I went home with, and usually waited a couple of dates) especially when I see my more reckless friends contracting nothing or getting the ones that at least go away. pretty standard jealousy and bargaining really...) I just wanted to know if it ever became this monumentally ironically horrible in your mind, because while this is a common thing, I feel a little extra screwed right now given the timing and circumstances of contracting it, and my most developed desires for myself are going up in flames. Still, I can't turn away from the chance to be better, and be courageous in my actions. I mean, I think I sorta am facing my biggest fears right now, so what else can anyone even do to me? (knock on wood). I also read some stories where people had it a lot worse, I know, but I'm still coping with the things that I really wanted that I'm losing and what they meant to me. Well, thanks for reading if you did, sorry its so long. Honestly, I'm glad that I have just been able to write it out. Thanks again, Adrial.
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