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FLNewH

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  1. Thanks all. I checked out the info and was able to explain it better to him. He was just trying to research what the testing was all about and got a bit confused. Test was taken yesterday soooooo ... idk, fingers crossed?
  2. So my boyfriend has agreed to get a blood test. We've been sexually active for about a month now. I asked him to get a blood test within the next month to see what his status is. I've given him this time frame because if he gets tested now and comes back positive, then I know he had it before me. If not, then I'll know not. Selfish reason I know, but he is aware of why and is ok with it. I gave him the info on where to get tested. And of course he is now Googling this and reads that a blood test only takes a few weeks to show positive. To be honest, other than being told here that it takes about 3 months to show positive on a blood test, I can't find that info online. There is plenty out there, just not on the length of time for the test - at least that I can find. I'm sure someone has a link they could share please? :-) and thank you :-)
  3. just wanted to say thank you @seeker. I found a place in SH for him to go to ... $59 ... walk-in, test and get the results emailed. easy-peasy :-)
  4. thanks all. I tried google dancer ... and got overwhelmed! hahaha Thanks Seeker! That was what I was looking for.
  5. Hi all! So, we had a follow up talk this weekend. He is on board to take the test. I offered to look up some testing facilities for him. Who thought that would be an overwhelming task???? Just want to make sure I get him to the right place and ask for the right test. I need to make sure they do the IgG test, correct? and can he go to any kind of blood-test lab, like a Quest Diagnostics or a LabCorp? Or does it have to be a clinic? He doesn't have a PCP, but I'm wondering if a walk-in clinic could do the same thing?
  6. thank you @positivelybeautiful. It's definitely different with him. He always jokes that he has a bigger vagina than most women he knows :-P because he likes to talk things out. That is fine by me ;-) What was great is, once we were done talking about herpes, we moved right on to the next conversation. I asked him if he was thinking about not seeing me anymore because of this. He goes "nnnnooooooooo. shut off your brain" haha
  7. Hi everyone. I wanted to thank you all for your words of advice. It really helped me "simmer down" and have a rational conversation about this with him. So, I get his feelings about people finding out and then looking at him like "he must have herpes since he's with her". My choice of disclosing is my choice. Even if I choose to tell my status to someone, they do not have a right to "out" me to others. They do not have the right to discuss this around the water cooler with others that I have disclosed to. What I was not realizing was, that although he is H- (assuming, since he's never been tested), he would essentially feel "outted" himself if this mutual friend shared my status with other mutual friends of ours. By him coming into my world (meeting my friends, having mutual friends that I have confided in, etc) he is "outting" himself as being with an H+ partner ... and also opening himself up to the stigma that comes along with it. I do need to be sensitive to the fact this is all new to him, just as it was new to me back in October when I had my first outbreak. So, my bad for not seeing it from his perspective. I need to give him time (just like I had) to educate himself and get more comfortable with this. With that said, I explained to him my feelings about the wording he chose - "marked". I explained to him how shitty that was. How hurt I was. How I felt that although he says I'm not gross or disgusting, that one word brought me back to feeling like I did the moment I found out I had this. And, I explained all the whys of my feelings being hurt by what he said. And he totally got it. He said he didn't think when he said that, and that he doesn't think of me as being gross, but he understands why I would feel that way after what he said. I also explained to him that if he chooses to be with me, that there will be times he will have to deal with my status. And he needs to decide (soon) if he is OK with this. He will have to deal with the ignorance that comes along with this subject. I told him there will be awkward situations, difficult conversations (like the one we had last night) and sometimes people will say things that hurt feelings or offend, but you have to just blow it off. And then I gave him an example. A couple nights ago we were hanging at his buddy's house (who does not know my status) ... stories of boy scouts came up ... and somehow it turned naughty ... and at one point his buddy made a joke about the boy scouts now having STD patches for the guys to earn. I told him I wanted to crawl under my chair and was just praying they didn't specifically refer to herpes in that joke. But, instead I just laughed along with them and avoided the eye contact he was trying to make with me. I told him, there will be times when stuff like that happens. It's the stigma. The joke is part of the stigma. My reaction to the joke is part of the stigma. His reaction to our mutual friend knowing is part of the stigma. It's just a day in the life. And, he will have to learn to deal with it if he wants to be with me. We got our fears and thoughts out in the open. He confided in me that he does sometimes ask himself WTF is he doing (referring to the risk of getting it). But then he tells himself he knows exactly what he is doing, he's in love with me and doesn't think it's a big deal .... but then the stigma takes over. I get it. Emotional roller coaster. I told him my biggest fear is giving this to him and losing him because of it. He told me that he knows the risks and that if I do end up giving this to him, then he will be ok with that since he has already chosen to be with me. I did ask him to get a blood test in the next month. I explained that if he's never been tested, he may be positive and not know it (like me). But, if he gets the test in the next month, if it comes back positive, I'll know I didn't give it to him. However, if he waits another 2-3 months, and he comes back positive, we will never know if he already had it or if I gave it to him. I apologized for being selfish with my reason for wanting him to get tested, but that's where I'm at right now. I told him I cannot deal with another unknown. Am I itchy b/c I shaved? or is it Herpes? Is that zit on my leg b/c my fat is rubbing together and it's hot out? or is it Herpes? Am I bloated and crampy b/c I'm getting my period? or is it Herpes? Did I give this to him or did he already have it? I can handle the other unknowns, but not that one. Longer story just a little shorter, I get his feelings, he gets my feelings. And, the fact that we had this open dialogue is unreal to me. I have never had conversations with anyone like I've had with this man. If it were anyone else, I would have moved forward with the "fuck off" attitude I had yesterday afternoon. But, I'm glad I calmed down enough to be adult and have a rational conversation. I put all this out there because I know there are others out there going through this and they may not know what to say. So, I hope by me sharing the discussion, it will help someone at some point.
  8. Thanks @Sil88. You're right, I made the choice to tell. Unfortunately, one of the people I told just happens to be a mutual friend. He asked me to not tell any of his other friends. Which made my jaw drop. Like I would say "hey nice to meet you and btw I have herpes and I'm f'ing your friend." Believe me, i get the whole "it's my choice to tell, not your choice to tell for me" and I get that if he decides to stay with me, he will have to deal with this. And he will have to deal with the stigma just as much as I will (well, not just as much, but some). This whole conversation with him really sucks. I was doing fine. Finally felt like herpes wasn't ruling my life. Now, within a split second, I'm brought right back to the fact that I fucking hate herpes and feel like I'm never going to have a normal relationship ever again. Because, obviously even though he may say it's ok, it's really not ok. I wish Herpes would go fucking jump off a bridge. And yes,I get that herpes should be my wingman. But I'm really just over this shit.
  9. Thanks @NMissouri. I'm trying to breathe about this and calm down. You're right, when it's someone else's issue, it's easy to say it's "don't beat yourself up" but when you are in the situation, well it's looked at differently. I told him I'm pretty torn up about what he said. He said he didn't mean it like that. Whatever. I'll keep in mind that he is H- and has never had to deal with this, so he is not sensitive to these kinds of remarks and doesn't really "get it". I'm not going to sugar coat my feelings, but I will calm down a bit before having this discussion.
  10. So, I've been dating this guy for about a month. We've been friends for a year and a half, I told him about me being H+ before anything sexual ever happened. So, we are talking today via text and I let him know that one of our mutual friends, I'll call her Amy, asked me how things were going with us. Amy also knows I'm H+. So, I told him that I told her we have been seeing each other. His comment was this "Since you've told her your situation, if we don't work out and she runs her mouth, then I'll be marked". Marked? Are you fucking kidding me? This is the same man who told me I should not be ashamed, I should not feel gross or disgusting. The same man who had no hesitation being intimate with me. The same man who told me not two days ago that he is falling in love with me. That he doesn't care about my baggage, he just cares about me. Needless to say, I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. Marked? I cannot get over that. And I know what you are going to say. I'm letting the stigma take over. But, sorry, how can I not feel like shit about that comment? We decided to not continue the conversation via text and rather should talk about it either over the phone or face to face tonight. But, I gotta tell you, I'm pretty f'ing pissed off right now about that comment. Any advice on how to handle this conversation like an adult and not like an emotional asshole would be greatly appreciated. Because, at this moment, I want to just tell him to go fuck off.
  11. Hahahaha no, was actually baking cookies. Hahaha
  12. You are so right Dancer. Everything is really a risk. I know it's just a worry I have, but I'm not really letting it consume me. I've done all I can to educate him and let him know there is always open communication - and that is really all I can do. Sooooo, with that, I need to go freshen up the hair and makeup some since he is coming by in a bit and we are going to bake cookies :-) Thank you everyone for the words of advice :-) It also warms my heart a bit to know that my own post helped someone else in their day :-)
  13. Thank you all so much. You all are right, I need to live in the present and enjoy the time and connection with this man now. He's a good man - I wonder why I ever got so upset over the idiots I dated in the past. But, you know how it gets, if it wasn't herpes making me doubt, then it would be something else I'm sure :-P Just how my brain works. The cynical side of me is like, something is going good, soooo what is going to happen that will mess it up? However, I am working on that :-) I think the thing that worries me the most is me transmitting this to him. I know we are taking every precaution - but in the back of my mind I still worry. I haven't had a breakout since the first one in the beginning of Oct. I'm taking my antivirals every day, have no symptoms and we use a condom. Plus he is educated on the basics and we have open communication about it. If a question pops up in his head, he just says "hey - what about this?". I've also told him that, being with me with this being so new, there may be times when I tell him we can't be intimate. Could be b/c of a breakout, could be because I just don't "feel right". And he said he is ok with that too. So, I know he isn't scared about it and that we are taking every precaution we can. It's just a nagging feeling that I'm sure every H+ person has at some point with their H- partners. But, with that said, I am going to push the nagging feelings and worries aside and just go with it and enjoy the time with him. What I need to remind myself about every time I get those feelings is that he knew about my status a good month+ ago when we were just friends, when there was no intimacy in our relationship at all. And that he chose to be with me in that way anyway.
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