caterpillarmonarch

Actually, now that I think about it more, they may publish it in the next issue.

I just looked through the latest print version and it isn't there. Is it only only? That's such a shame if so.

@WCSDancer2010 Thank you so much! I really appreciate all of you do on the forums. I think the difference between h and the riding in a car with someone analogy is a question of self-preservation. When you get in a car with someone they have a self-interest to drive safe so they don't hurt or kill themselves or their car. With h, there is no self-preservation element; you already have it and thus the risk to self isn't present (provided there was all of the other STD tests done). I've been trying to think of another analogy where the person you put yourself in harm's way for has no self-preservation element, but am coming up blank. Any thoughts?

@whitedaisies. Thanks! He is a sweetheart! And I like your boyfriend's comment too about you not being responsible for his regrets

@lakso Yikes! Sorry that happened to you

@whitedaisies I asked for a full panel test at my doctor's office. It was an Igg test and it came back positive, which was a total shock to me.

By far, the hardest part of having h for me is the potential of hurting my boyfriend. I love him so much, and the thought that he could get this from me still kills me (we've been together/I've known for 8 months). He tries to reassure me all of the time that he knows the risks (thanks to this site! especially this video: ) and that he's ok with them, but still the thought of hurting him bothers me immensely. I voluntarily take an anti-viral everyday to reduce his chances of contracting it. Every time he's with me and I have to take it, it saddens me deeply. So one day I talked to him about it and told him that it's a reminder to me that I could hurt him. He said something that really helped at that moment. He said something like, "I see you taking the pill as an act of love for me. You don't have to take it, it doesn't do you any good to take it, you pay for it each month. You do this all out of love for me." I can't tell you how much that helped. Has it killed all of my sadness surrounding the subject? Nope, but it definitely helped that aspect. How do you all cope with this? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

@jennybean You're welcome! The h virus "sheds" on your bikini line, so if, for example, I was just rubbing up against a guy and he was having an outbreak, I could easily get it.

First, I'd like to agree and second @positivelybeautful's comments. Thanks for educating yourself and being open about it! That's inspiring to all of us! I'm the person with herpes, my boyfriend does not have it, so I'd like to give some perspective from that point of view. I love my boyfriend so much and, although he is well-educated and fine with the risks, I'm not necessarily. Maybe it'll get better as I adjust (I've known for 8 months now), but it bothers me because I don't want to hurt him. I know that sounds passe to say, but think about it from your boyfriend's perspective, he loves you and the thought that he may hurt you (even though you don't see it as "hurt") is killing him. The good news is, this means he really cares for you. The tougher part is getting him to see beyond that. My boyfriend, when it comes up, tries to reassure me as best as he can, but it's still very difficult. I voluntarily take an anti-viral everyday to reduce his chances of contracting it. Every time he's with me and I have to take it, it hurts me. So one day I talked to him about it and told him that it's a reminder to me that I could hurt him. He said something that really helped at that moment. He said "I see you take the pill and I feel loved. You don't have to take it, it doesn't do you any good to take it, you pay for it each month. You do this all out of love for me." I think, if you can find similar ways to express this to him, you'll be ok.

Hi Jennbean, It will be ok, I promise you! I can't answer most of your questions, but I thought I'd answer what I can. Most likely, his doctor didn't test him for herpes. Since I've been diagnosed, I have asked several doctors if they test for it. Only one said yes. If you still have the test or are at that doctor, it's worth looking at to see if they did test back then. You don't need to have sex to contract herpes. This shocked the hell out of me when I found out. Since it lives on the "bikini line" any contact with a person in that area that is experiencing an outbreak can lead to contraction. Most likely he had outbreaks and didn't recognize them. Or, yes, you can have herpes for years and not have an outbreak. I had no external lesions, so I thought the "razor cut" feeling was, in fact, a razor cut. I kept trying to find it! I hope this helps. There are folks on here that know a lot more than me. They will chime in soon. Hang in there!

@jennybean Thanks for sharing! They can tell us stats all day long, but stories like yours make it "real" to us, I think. I'd like to encourage you to write your own post about it! @whitedaisies I don't have lesions either. I get a sharp razor-cut feeling pain on my right labia for 3-5 days. Then it goes away. Since it was usually around menstrual time, I thought it was that or that I'd cut myself down there, but I couldn't find the cut.

I posted this as a comment on another discussion, but thought it'd also be a good discussion on it's own. As we've discussed often on these forums, "no" can be a major blessing. My friends and I were discussing the "joys" (major sarcasm) of online dating. I wasn't getting a lot of callbacks after first dates when I was online dating, so I decided to swallow my pride and ask a couple of the guys for feedback. I asked them to be brutally honest. One responded "I was just looking for a housewife" which I'm definitely not. Another one (props to him for really being honest), basically told me he just wanted to sleep with me and when he realized I was more of a long-term woman, he wasn't interested. I wanted to share this because what I learned was that, in both cases, the "no" had nothing to do with me and their "no" was a blessing to me because neither of these guys wanted what I wanted.

Thanks @seeker. I like hearing other perspectives :-)

I love his reaction! It made me laugh and reminds me of something I would say at an awkward time like that. Thanks for sharing this! I'm so glad it went well!

@HBH Please don't say no to yourself, if he says no, that's ok, but don't make that decision for him. You never know. I was really shocked when mine went so well, but I'm grateful it did. And, as so many have said on this forum before, if the answer is "no" you're probably better off anyway because he's not a quality guy. My friends and I were discussing the "joys" (major sarcasm) of online dating. I wasn't getting a lot of callbacks after first dates when I was online dating, so I decided to swallow my pride and ask a couple of the guys for feedback. I asked them to be brutally honest. One responded "I was just looking for a housewife" which I'm definitely not. Another one (props to him for really being honest), basically told me he just wanted to sleep with me and when he realized I was more of a long-term woman, he wasn't interested. I wanted to share this because what I learned was that, in both cases, the "no" had nothing to do with me and their "no" was a blessing to me.

Thanks for all of the comments and insight everyone. I think, in the future, I'll use it as an opportunity to help them be more supportive of others in the future. I have went back and addressed this with two friends. I made sure and let them know I wasn't upset, but curious as to why they said what they said. Both said something to the effect of "I didn't know what to say and wanted to add to the conversation." Both also admitted that they learned something new also (totally to your point @fitgirl); one didn't realize condoms didn't protect and one went back and started looking to see if he was really getting the full panel tests.

Thanks for posting all of these! I've always really liked the one about shame vs. guilt

I've told several of my closest friends about my diagnosis and I'm getting a very strange reaction from about 1/2 of them. Whenever I get to the part of my story where I say "I always used condoms, so I thought I was safe." I've had the following statements said back to me: - Really? You didn't know that? - The condom thing is a myth. That's the first thing they covered in my sex ed. Whenever I get to the part of my story where I say "I thought my doctor was testing me when he drew blood every year." I've had the following statements said back to me: - Oh no honey, you have to ask for the test. Didn't you know that? - Oh see, I ALWAYS ask for the test - I ALWAYS have a test before sleeping with a new partner and when I get out of a relationship. You don't? Whenever I get to the point of saying that they need to make sure they are getting the full panel, I've gotten: - Oh of course! - I always ask for that In my head, these are translating to "How could you not know that? I did" and "How could you be so stupid/ignorant?" These are some of my most amazing, loving, understanding friends saying things like this to me so I know they aren't trying to harm me, but it just seems so counterproductive to respond to someone saying "I made a mistake because I didn't know any better" and responding with "I knew better, why didn't you?" To be fair, I've had the opposite reactions too, like "I didn't know condoms didn't protect you, I'm glad you told me" but I'm specifically curious if anyone else has gotten the above and if you've found a good way to translate these in your head/react when someone says something like this.

Thanks @fitgirl and @WCSDancer2010! I hope this story inspired more people to disclose, and not lose heart if someone doesn't take it well. There are those out there that will!

Not to get political, but this is what has happened in medicine since we started moving towards private vs. public funded health research. Most of the medical research being done these days is funded by pharmaceutical companies. So, do we really think they are going to fund research that shows that things can be controlled without drugs? Fat chance. Herpes is different, but things like acid reflux, diabetic disorders, etc. can often be controlled through diet and exercise. But they can't make a profit that way. I'm all about limited government influence, but privatizing research is a very dangerous trend.

This happened about 5 months ago, but I'm just getting around to writing this. I had been dating a guy for about a month. He had asked me to get a full STD test and he would too. I thought, "No problem! I have every year with my annual" so I thought. Things got out of hand and we had sex (with a condom) once before the test results come back. When my results came back positive, it was a horrible experience at the doctor's office (see http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/4990/the-doctor-s-reaction-was-the-worst-part-my-story-in-case-it-happens-to-someone-else#latest) but I still knew I had to tell him right away. He was gone for a week so I had to call and tell him. I just told him straight-up and then kept repeating "I'm so sorry, I had no idea." He tried to calm me down and saying it wasn't that bad. Then he said something to the effect of, "I tell you what, let's both take an hour to research this and then I'll call you back." I agreed and that's what we did. When he called me back, he said "Ok, this is not a big deal." Obviously, I felt differently. We discussed it a bit more and then he said the statement that took a huge weight off of my shoulders. He simply said, "(my real name), this is not a deal breaker for me." Did that make everything ok? Nope, 5 months later and I'm still not completely ok with it, but I can't even begin to describe how him saying it wasn't a deal breaker changed things. After about another week or two, I had found a better doctor/specialist and was going to meet with him ASAP. Unfortunately, this was when he, my now-boyfriend, was out of town again. I asked him if he had any questions he'd like me to ask for him. He sent me a list of questions to ask. The last one on the list said something like "How did I get such an amazing girlfriend?" He's been amazing ever since about it. I feel like I'm the lucky one vs. him. What an amazing man!

I think this is the fault of the "education" I (and most everyone got). We all were told that condoms protect you from everything.

@RL2014. Wow! That's terrible! I'm so sorry you went through that!

I've told most of my very close female friends and had very good results. One actually disclosed back that she also has it (so now I have someone who understands), one had another close friend with it, and the others asked a few respectful questions and then concluded that it wasn't a big deal. I think these disclosures helped me and them, in 3 ways: 1. Every one of them concluded that it wasn't a big deal. This helped me get to that conclusion too. 2. It raised the level of education among my friends (and hopefully outward from there). I thought condoms protected me from all STD's and I thought my doc was automatically testing me for STD's each year....I can't be the only one that is this naieve, so hopefully I've provided education. 3. You can't build or continue a strong friendship if you only tell them the good stuff.

I personally would tell him, although I know nothing about pregnancy transmission rates, I just prefer very open communication. However, if you wanted to take a softer approach, you could heavily encourage STD tests. I wish my parents had told me a lot more about these, and that they weren't automatically done each year during my annual.