I am coming up on my month anniversary of finding out I have herpes. I met a guy and we had only been dating for three weeks....I liked him A LOT. We spent many days in a row together each of those weeks and I had sex with him pretty quickly because I felt that "connection" (likely story).
Side note....I am the type of person that has felt invincible in the past when having sexual partners and never in a million years thought I would ever get h or anything else for that matter. Its almost the same thing as when you go out for drinks and then drive, you never think you are going to get pulled over (Busted).
Anyway, we obviously didn't use a condom and even had a conversation about how we must really trust each other not to use one. But here is the kicker and the most shameful part about it. I even SAW something on his penis, but with how ignorant I was, I thought it was just a pimple or something of that sort so I disregarded it.
Three glorious weeks into knowing this person, he tells me that he needs some time to "think" about if he wants a serious relationship right now (he had been through a rough breakup a few months ago). I give him the space he needs and I'm pretty sad about it but brush it off thinking this is the risk you take when putting yourself out there in the dating world. 2 days later, I start feeling like I'm coming down with something while at work and then that night I see some strange bumps down there. I was so confused as to what was happening, but at the same time I think deep down I did know. I force myself into the gyno office the following day and she tells me from what she can see with the bare eye, its a classic case of a mild ob of herpes. I think I had my first panic attack. I didn't get out of bed for four days following that appointment. Then monday morning I get the confirmation call, Positive for h. I asked her to diagnose what type it was and she said it was too new of a virus in my body to type just yet so immediately I knew it was him that gave it to me.
I text him a long paragraph explaining what happened. No answer. I text him later on in the day. nothing. I text him the next day after a sleepless night, still nothing. I wait a few more days and the 4th text message to him was not a pleasant one. Nada. I had never felt so low and alone in my life. I KNEW he was the one that gave it to me and I was beginning to feel like he knew all along and just never disclosed it. I had a plethora of emotions running through me. Anger, shame, hatred of him, loneliness and lack of self worth. The worst thing about it was that I was secretly hoping he would want to work it out with me now because of the circumstances. Like this needed to happen in order for me to win him back over. Isn't that just pathetic? I hated myself for feeling like that.
The next night (after the nasty text I sent him) he texted me and asked me if I would be open to talk to him. He said that he had been doing a lot of the thinking he needed to do and thanked me for giving him the time he asked for and that he had a small ob and was tested positive for h as well and that he needed to see me right away. I felt like it was my chance to redeem him and told him I wanted to see him too but went home to my parents house (about four hours away from where I currently live) and that I couldn't see him until the next week. He asked if we could at least talk on the phone the next day and I agreed. The next day came and nothing. I reached out to him and asked when we were going to talk and he never wrote me back. I could't believe that he could be so insensitive, so selfish and so uncompassionate of the situation at hand. It almost wasn't humanly to me.
When I returned back to where I live, I reached out one more time and told him that he is was an inhumane person and the least he could do is acknowledge the fact I am emotionally suffering from all of this. He wrote back and told me he wanted to see me in person to talk. We met that very night and he told me how sorry he was and how he didn't know he had it until we stopped talking. He also proceeded to tell me that he shuts off to the world when something life altering like this happens to him and yada yada. Long story short, he told me that he thought he wanted to be with me when he first reached out but then realized (in a matter of 24 hours I guess??) that he still wasn't ready, regardless of the circumstances. God, What a whirlwind. I felt like I lost everything. I lost a piece of myself and I lost the guy that gave this to me. A complete lose lose.
Its been about a week and a half since that conversation and I feel like I've gone through an emotional roller coaster but have come out on top since. In a weird way, I feel like this needed to happen to me in order for me to learn how to be independent (I have always been a cereal dater and have always been afraid to be on my own without a companion). Also I think its going to teach me not to be so naive when picking sexual partners and to pay more attention to the emotional connection rather than jumping into a physical one first. Its going to teach me a sense of self worth and self loving and make me strong in case theres any type of rejection in the future (and I don't mean just the rejection after the disclosure talk, I mean any type of deal-breaker there is to someone out there).
I'm trying to be positive about this. I'm trying not to let the thought of having it ruin my day to day life. Some days I burst out crying and other days Im laughing and almost forget about it completely. I am terrified of the disclosure conversation but I don't expect myself to be okay with it right now. I'm still learning about how to accept it in my life. The truth is guys, ANYONE can get this because 99.9% of the population has practiced unsafe sex at least once before and thats all it takes. Of course the negative stigma is far greater than it should be, but soon the whole country will have it (especially because the medical community doesn't test you for it unless you specifically ask for it which is crazy to me because thats just allowing it to spread like wild fire and that is irresponsible in itself in my opinion).
Lastly, I am SO thankful to have a forum like this as support. It is so helpful to read stories and see other people going through this. Adrial is such a phenomenal soul inside and out and I hope to exude the depth and compassion that he portrays everyday. I am not saying that this is something I wanted, but what I do know is that this may have opened up a door of opportunity for me to grow, be humble and be the best human being I can be in this world.
Thanks for reading my story :)