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Bobby1187

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  1. I definitely agree Adrial. I think the pain from that suffering forced me to find my new-found self acceptance. It was either find it or remain miserable, and there's really no contest between those two options! And like you suggest, with being ok with my herpes I don't expect rejection to feel quite as painful in the future as a result. (And again, the advice and perspectives you and others on this site have given me a few months ago really did help me get to a better mindset, so thank you!) And I also appreciate you posing those questions about this current, unexpected situation. I need to focus on those as well as have a more full, direct conversation with her about her true intentions. (There's nothing like herpes to force good communication!haha) But at least I know however the discussion turns out, I'll be alright!
  2. So a very unexpected thing happened this weekend. A girl who rejected a relationship with me due to H back in November texted me saying she misses me, has thought a lot about things, and just needed more time to process it all. Now she wants to go ahead and try to ease back into a relationship and see where things go. On one hand this is exciting since I did really like this girl. But at the same time, I'm conflicted. Her rejection months ago sent me into a spiral of depression with lots of nasty feelings about myself and my H. I had since dug my way out of that and back to self confidence (thanks in large part to this great community among others), but after seeing her and spending time with her this weekend I find myself not feeling 100% comfortable. I guess I'm just nervous I'm opening myself up to getting let down again because of this if she gets freaked out again down the road if/when things get more serious. So I'm wondering, has anyone else ever had a scenario play out like this? And if so, was the partner truly accepting this second time around? I understand every situation is different, as are people, but this whole thing has me kind of confused and so I wouldn't mind getting some perspectives from people who share my point of view. Thanks!
  3. Wow, awesome story! Thanks for taking the time to share. These kind of stories always help to hear. Good luck with your new romance!
  4. Just a comment mlnpt, you say you got H after oral sex with your boyfriend. So that suggests you have genital hsv-1. If that's the case, this is an important distinction, because around 50% of people your age already have hsv-1 either orally or genitally which gives them significant protection against a new hsv-1 infection anywhere on their body - in addition to the already low chances of passing a genital hsv-1 infection due to less shedding and recurrences. The reason I say this is that this information could help make your next talk a little easier - especially if the person you are telling happens to have colds sores (hsv-1) already. I have genital and oral hsv-1 (got from oral sex and had both outbreaks at the same time that's how I know it's in both places), and so far out of the two girls I've told, one with cold sores stayed, while the one without opted out. So if I were you, I'd get type-tested to determine what type you have. Either way I'm sure you'll find success again if you keep looking; but if it's type 1, at least you have a bit of better news that can be wrapped up into your disclosure.
  5. Adrial, you are correct in that I am currently putting a lot into other's experiences. Lately I've been doing the drill of scouring the net for positive "telling" stories. And with seeing how happy you seem to be, I figured you must have some of this "dating world hope" I could tap into. BUT that being said, I appreciate the point you make: that each experience is different and that I think now I realize this habit I've been on recently may be futile. Instead I think now I should put more time in on truly accepting myself with this virus and getting over my fear that EVERYONE will react as the last girl I told did and just live my life. Because as you alluded to, you just never know; though I do take comfort in knowing supportive responses to disclosure aren't rare to come by. Brenda, your words too have reached me in that whatever feelings I have about myself and this condition will come through to people I meet whether it be conscious or unconscious. And no one likes to be around someone who is a debby downer all the time! I'm going to do my best to forget my last rejection (and honestly only one so far) and maybe even reach out to a close friend or two - people that I KNOW will not think less of me because of this. I've told my brother, he's the only one outside of doctors or potential partners to know, and while of course he doesn't fully understand my pain, having him "in the know" has helped a lot because as you two alluded to, he loves and supports me regardless of this thing. So I will try to do the same with myself. Thanks for the thoughtful responses from both of you guys; and even for calling me out a bit there Adrial - I think I needed that. Also thanks for having this community available - the positive vibes here are awesome compared to any other support site on the web and I hope to help contribute to that down that road. Bobby
  6. Thank you for sharing your story Tiff! I have seen that in the vast majority of cases, people who are willing to face the fear and put themselves out there seem to find someone at some point in time. I'm glad this all happened for you, and so quickly! I can't believe that your ex treated you like that after HE gave it to you! What a gigantic prick! Like I said above, I never told my giver what happened, because I truly believe this was an accident and she would have never intentionally meant to put me at risk as we had been friends for a long time. But had I told her about all this, I can't imagine she would have ever tried to throw it back in my face or thought bad about me because of this. I'm sure most rational people would themselves feel terrible about passing like this on. So I guess this virus helped you see how bad of a guy your ex was and pointed you back in the direction of the man you deserved! Good luck in your relationship with your fiance! Bobby
  7. Thanks for the response Adrial. It's great to hear how you've regained your optimism and excitement for life. It's so discouraging that I tend to wake up every day for the last few months with that "stone-in-the-gut" feeling and just want so badly to shed that burden and really feel that optimism and excitement for both the present and future once again. I'll do my best to follow your advice and work on changing the way I think to hopefully stop worrying so damn much about the future! But I do have one other question for you, Adrial, about your journey and this relates specifically to your experience dating with it. I've read on one of your posts you say "all of the women I've disclosed to have accepted herpes except the first one". Do you mind if I ask how many women you have disclosed to and what the dynamic in those relationships was after you told them? I know you've said you're most recent gf was great about it, but what about the other ones? I guess I'm just seeking examples of what some relationships can look like now that herpes is in the equation. Thanks!
  8. So obviously we all know Adrial is a big inspiration to many on these boards. From reading his blogs, and many of his posts, it appears he has broken free from most of the emotional chains that H can use to drag us down. I have appreciated reading his techniques on changing the way he thinks about the virus and about the challenge of dating with this and all of that has certainly helped me toward my road to emotional recovery living with this virus. I've also been able to sort of piece together parts of his own personal journey with herpes through some of this posts, but am interested in learning more. So Adrial, if it's not too much to ask, it'd be great if you wouldn't mind sharing your journey since getting H in this thread. I'd love to hear a more full story about your various dating/telling experiences, overcoming rejection, and how you've navigated the H-issue once you have gotten into a relationship. I know you've briefly mentioned some ideas of things to do to still be intimate during outbreaks in one post and I was hoping I could get you (or perhaps other members too) to elaborate on some of the ways in which a couple can keep the excitement and fun alive at these inconvenient times. Anyway, if it's at all possible, as someone who's still stuck in the dark days of this virus, I'd love to get even just a little more inspiration out of the great Mr. H-Opp to see just how full a life one can live with this condition. Thanks.
  9. Thanks for the story and advice CBK. I'm certainly going to have to change my approach in dating. Patience in waiting for the "right" girl is going to be tough, especially if that means turning away other prospects simply because I don't think they'd take my news well. But I'm sure in the end it'll be worth it. I also really like your analogy of this stigma to customer service in retail. People all love to complain so I suppose that's why we hear so many more horror/pity-party stories than inspiration. To be honest, I never wrote on any herpes message board until this last rejection. When I found acceptance last year, I never even thought to come back and post about it - as selfish as that seems now. Anyway, thanks for the insight, and if anyone else reading this has any other stories/perspectives I'd love to hear those as well!
  10. Thank you for your thoughtful response CBK! It does help hearing that others have struggled, but also that they have found acceptance with themselves/others. I know I need to let my anger toward myself go. There's nothing I can do to go back to that night and change my actions. Plus you are also right about taking a better look at women I date. Up to this point, I've pretty much just asked "do I like this girl physically? Is she somewhat fun to hang out with?" and if so, I go for it, even knowing full well we don't have a great connection - I guess I just hope that would come later. There are plenty of reasons a long-term relationship with this last girl would have fell flat, but I've let myself get caught up in the fact that I missed out on the fun hook-up/companionship part of this relationship and that is really all that has caused all this depression. Deep down I do know that I WILL have success again when I find a girl who I have a better connection with. Because this condition truly is so minor. It's just a psychological battle to remind myself of this and keep myself from stumbling into that dark, negativity-filled cave where H is the worst thing out there and everything I am is ruined because of it. Anyway, to answer your questions I have gotten the type-specific test - I have just hsv-1, but due to my physical symptoms I'm pretty sure it's both genital and oral. And believe me I've done my research on it. And that really does help, especially knowing how prevalent hsv-1 is and how previous exposure can almost completely make my infection a moot point. Anyway, thanks again for your support, and if you don't mind me asking, how has your dating life been since you found out? Like I said before, I find it helpful to hear other's experiences - especially if they're positive :)
  11. I apologize for the length, but I need to get this off my chest. Two years ago this month I began getting increasingly painful urination, then flu-like symptoms, followed by a cold-sore on my lip (the panic really began settling in here), and then finally a couple small bumps on the tip of my penis. I went to various health care clinics trying/hoping to find out that this was just some weird infection - anything other than what I feared most. Unfortunately all the other tests came back negative, and the antibiotics didn't work. While I never got the swab test, I was 90% sure I knew (mainly because the unmistakable cold sore on my lip and the oral sex I had received about a week prior). Like most people in my situation, I was devastated. I thought I was being careful by not having intercourse. I had a herpes scare a year before, with this same girl - a longtime friend and girl I had been seeing casually on and off when I was back home from college for a few years. But the year before we had intercourse, and it turned out to just be a bacterial infection with some marks from rough sex, not blisters of any kind. So this time around after we started hooking up after a night out, I figured, "ok, I'll just do oral, I don't want to deal with all that crap like last year." But despite the scare the year prior, I had never bothered researching the disease. I never learned about asymptomatic shedding, and how 40% or more of people my age had hsv-1 and it could spread easily through oral sex anytime! I still can't believe how stupid that was. I don't blame her. I'm sure she was just as naive about all this as I was - hell she still probably doesn't even know she has it as I couldn't bring myself to tell her and make her feel bad about all this. Mainly I was/am still so mad at myself; not only that I shouldn't have hooked up with her again when I knew full well I didn't want to date her AND give our prior history; but that I felt this same scare a year before and didn't bother to let it change my habits! I have let myself down in the biggest of ways!! Well, now here I sit, two years removed; fresh off my first rejection in December from a girl I'd love to have dated, with the true, ugly realization of the impact that fateful decision is having on my life finally setting in. Now I'm stuck in depression and am allowing the virus to "win" the mental battle. What's crazy is I had the virus in perspective; for a year and a half I truly rarely thought about it. No outbreaks - in either location - regardless of what I ate, drank, did physically. Hell I even had a girl accept my condition a year ago (albeit she was fresh out of a long-term relationship and desperate for a rebound). Unfortunately I wasn't too into her myself so that relationships was short-lived and because of that, and her situation, I think I fail to see it as a true success - as ridiculous as I know that sounds. Now I ping-pong back and forth every day between "I'm gonna be fine, this isn't a big deal, just be patient" and "holy shit, how could I have done what I did to myself when I knew better! I'm so fucked, look at the great girl and fun relationship I just missed out on because of this bullshit - why would any girl ever want to take this chance?" So, sorry for being a downer in here, I guess I'm just writing this all today to vent. I know nothing will change my situation and I'm going to keep trying to be ok with that. It's hard, especially when I now have a face (the girl who rejected me) to exemplify my loss. But like so many stories I read on this website or so many others, I do know success exists and happiness and that carefree feeling can resurface. So I'll keep on moving, one day at a time and try to keep a short memory of my rejection and potential future ones. Anyway, thanks for reading if you got this far and if anyone has any words of encouragement or success stories to post in response to this I'd love to read them, as those have really been the only things keeping my spirits from being in the gutter. Take care all!
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