Jump to content

Screwthis

Members
  • Posts

    11
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by Screwthis

  1. Heads up: This is all rather negative, and is kind of a rant. So readers beware haha. I had my first therapy session earlier this week. I didn't really know what to expect, but I rather naively went into it thinking I would be able to get perspective, or even this "Ray of hope" that would bring everything back to normal and pull me out of this weird emptiness. I was wrong on both fronts. I realize my therapist job cannot take the herpes away, and it was only one session, but I feel no better if not worse than when I started. Her putting it into perspective was giving me the facts about how many people have it and live "healthy, and (Eventually) happy lives" all of this I had read online and has not helped me work through this bitch of a year long ordeal that has been coined a"phase". I expressed my concern over my continuing fall into alcoholism (and more recently even discovered drugs "help" me too). She told me I have potential depression over this, but it will pass with time. I do not like who I am. I miss the old me. I cringe at the thought of being with someone (Although I have wanted to since my last boyfriend, but he kind of destroyed that for obvious reasons). So many facets of life I used to think were easy, manageable, even fun; Going on a first date, having a crush, seeing other people in a relationship, now has a whole new twisted level of fear and disgust, because every time I experience or see something like that it all come crashing down when I tell myself, "I have herpes." To say the way I'm feeling about herpes is just a choice and I have to CHOOSE to accept it is a gross understatement. It was all so fun and happy until this happened. It went from seeing colors to the world being a dull mix of gray. Isn't it weird that "just a skin condition" can do that. I obviously have problems I need to work through. /Rant over (I don't know if this is/was appropriate just to rant or whatever, but this is the only place I can.)
  2. I'm going to be completely blunt and honest (as you were with me in another thread) I find calling herpes as a 'wingman' completely off base. I do understand the concept and also understand that It "weeds out" those people who don't like herpes. But I still think that avoiding someone with herpes isn't an indicator of a bad person. I myself would 100% avoid someone with herpes if I had known more about it, unless I really really liked them. I'm also at an age where I don't really want a long term boyfriend. I'm not considering people to get married with yet. But now that I have it I still understand the lucky ones on the other side of the herpes fence. Now I could be completely off base, and feel free to correct me. This is just my thoughts.
  3. 100% okay with being gay. I Accepted it and embraced it years ago. My frustration lies within my feeling of being put back into another closet rather than being able to finally experience and explore my sexuality freely. And no, I have dealt with plenty in my life. I can promise you it's just the herpes. That is what I am disgusted with, and is currently preventing me from thinking of anything else. Beig gay is now such a non problem in my life. I was feeling so great finally, then herpes decided to destroy all of the progress I had made.
  4. And don't get me wrong here, I'm not trying to play the poor me card. I'm literally just saying what keeps cycling around in my head a fueling the fire of hatred and disgust.
  5. WCSDancer2010, Thank you, and I genuinely mean, thank you for putting it really bluntly. I needed that. I appreciate you guys trying to put it in perspective for me.
  6. It's incredibly frustrating to have to come out all over again. I did that enough when i was younger. Its like a nightmare that i cannot wake up from. Its even in my dreams, sleep used to be an escape, but herpes have found its way in there too. Therapy might be a good option haha Thanks guys.
  7. I mean, i do have friends with whom i could disclose, but as a gay male i think the perspective shifts a little more to the negative side. With a starkly less amount of people who are actually gay in the world, it makes it a tad more difficult. Honestly for me to say someone is "stupid" or "ignorant" if they dont accept me on the sole basis that i have herpes, i wouldnt blame them in the slightest. I would have done the same. Who would really want to risk it? I've seen this scattered about the web from people who dont have herpes, "Love can come and go, but herpes will stay with you forever." Its true. and its THAT what gets me. Thank you for your kind words of support. Hopefully in time, i can pull myself together.
  8. Thank you for your response, as to me having a problem even other than herpes, possible, but not likely. I was extremely happy before this. I had really never felt better in my entire life than before herpes. I had never been depressed or felt this consistently low and empty in my entire life. Herpes really has taken its toll, and it's a rut that I can't shake. Honestly, I just sound like a whining child, so many of you all have somehow found acceptance and realized that it's not that big of a deal or its "just a skin condition" and that its all stigma. I would like to try to change my outlook, but I think I'm in too deep to pull myself around. Once again, I really appreciate your perspective. Thanks for your time.
  9. Honestly, I fail to see how any of this can get better. It's just such a frustrating situation that never ends. Everyone here says that it takes time to get over it and "accept" it, but it's been a year now and if anything I feel much worse. I've gained what probably is an alcohol dependency, my love life is shot, my relationship skills are down the toilet and my general self esteem is at an all time low. Doesn't seem to be getting any better. Thanks guys.
  10. I get my OB around the genital areas, above and around the shaft. So condoms will help probably 0% of the time. I also take acyclovir. And I cannot take famivir, it's like $500 a pill which is crazy expensive. Especially when I'm trying to pay for college. I'm starting to see a therapist as well, but I don't see a point. It's not like she can take this nightmare away. Thanks.
  11. So here's my story of how I so wonderfully received this. I won't be candid, and I'm sorry if it sounds angry because that's exactly what I am. I dated a guy for a short while back in my freshman year of college (its encroaching upon a year or so ago now) and it was nice. He was my first boyfriend ever. I had never kissed anyone before then, nor had sex. He was the first for both. But about a month after he said he had the "cold sore virus" which I knew to mean herpes but in a nice way. He said he'd never had symptoms. After about a month I started getting a fever and a sore throat. I didn't think anything of it. A week goes by and I see the doctor, she's concerned that my sore throat hasn't gone away. She screened me for STD's and I come up positive for HSV-1 (Herpes Simplex Virus type 1). Great. She informs me the that now I will have theses recurrent sores, but not like normal people, I will have them in my throat. It's because I legitimately had a sore throat before and then the virus seized the opportunity to infect that area. It wasn't fun dealing with that the first couple months. Coming to grips with what is now a lifelong virus that will reoccur whenever the hell it wants. But I could have lived with that. About 5 months after my initial diagnosis (We had broken up for some time, and not because of the cold sores because at that point I knew most people in the US had them.) I started getting sores around my genital region as well, which I originally thought couldn't be possible because online they say its hard for you to get both of the same type of virus. Just my luck, I get to have both. It's been now about a year after that and I still can't deal with this. At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, I have just given up. I lived most of my life in the closet as a gay man, miserable in a rural part of Minnesota. When I finally moved away and came out I felt free for the first time. Now, once again, I will have to Re-come out of every one of my sexual partners for the rest of my life. I'm so sick of this. I honestly have just decided not to deal with relationships of any kind and resigned myself to being alone (Relationship wise) for the rest of my life. It really sucks because in the past year i have met some really awesome guys who I saw myself getting really close and possibly date. But since it's my first year with herpes the outbreaks have been rough and even better: constant. I get close to guys emotionally, then I just end up dropping contact with them so I don't have to tell them I have herpes. I feel hollow and empty and disgusted. It's one thing to disclose one type, but to tell someone i have herpes on my mouth and my junk is just too much for me to handle anymore. Even if i find someone i will have to deal with the very real possibility that i can give someone this disgusting thing. And every time ill have sex with someone, i will just have that fear constantly in the back of my mind. What kind of life is that? Being gay wasn't nearly as bad as this because there was a light at the end of the tunnel, whereas this is with me forever. I don't want to HAVE to live with it. I don't want to LEARN to live with it. I'm so sick of feeling like I'm in the shadows of society. Yes, I realize herpes in theory isn't that huge of a deal. But with the already limited selection of men that are gay, I have now an even slimmer margin of whom that will be okay with my condition. I will also never be able to have a time of my life where I can sleep around freely and get to experiment. That door is now shut before it even has been opened. It makes me so frustrated that i cannot do anything about this. I know a "healthy diet and supplements and an active lifestyle" help but I'm 21 dammit, I don't want to have to watch what I eat, exercise every day. I just want to be fucking NORMAL. I want to date people and not have this crippling fear looming over me. I really just give up. I am on antiviral medication to alleviate some of the outbreaks, but i don't really care about them specifically. it's just having it in general. The outbreaks just serve as a reminder. I would love to hear some advice or anything really. I do apologize if this is not how i was supposed to write it or something, but i had to let it all out somewhere. Thanks.
×
×
  • Create New...