HBased

Good for you! Always important to have the low (medical) importance of herpes reinforced by a professional. :)

Have to? Nah. But they do deal with STI's as a reality instead of a frightening abstract concept involving a lot of outdated materials, like most SexEd. ;)

@Ashley Thanks for sharing some much-needed perspective. Bummer that chemo led to more flare-ups, have you had better luck in the months since? (Hell yeah & congratulations for your 7 months of cancer free life, btw!) A year with herpes (and... cancer?) can make a world of difference. (I'm only familiar with the first, but appreciate the insight on the second.) :)

@extremelyparanoid In the 90's, Dan made readers submit every letter with the opener "Hey Faggot" in an attempt to reclaim the word (he is a very gay man) - he has since stopped doing that, and my apologies if you were offended by the word. The point of Dan's post is simple: yes, that man with the H+ gf can continue to freak out and wash himself after every sexual encounter and expend a great deal of mental effort & fatigue worrying about something which is, at the end of the day, not a risk to his health or sanity... or review his concerns and re-align his thinking about the whole subject. Your chances of getting herpes while having sex with someone who is aware of their sexual health, using protection and taking medication is pretty low. This is probably not the first person you've encountered intimately with herpes -- just the first person that knew about it. I went ahead and bolded the parts I wanted you to see from Dan's answer below: ---------- Your chances of catching herpes from your girlfriend, under your circumstances, are pretty slight. But low as they are, there is still a chance. Psychologically speaking, you can obsess about the tiny risk you're taking, letting it ruin your life and your relationship, or you can accept the risk, continue to take precautions, and make up your mind to stop being such a paranoid dope. After all, what are you so afraid of? Herpes is, hysteria aside, a relatively minor problem in the lives of the vast majority of people who "suffer" from it. If you do get infected, you'll have a treatable, though not curable, sexually transmitted disease that tens of millions of other Americans "suffer" from. Most infected people show no symptoms, and most don't know they have it. For herpes "sufferers" who do experience symptoms, the inconvenience of the disease--the occasional outbreak--is often less stressful than time spent coddling paranoid lovers who fear herpes out of all proportion to the actual impact it has on your life. Think about it: Your girlfriend, a herpes "sufferer," had one outbreak, and takes two pills a day. That's it, that's the total physical impact herpes has on her. Psychologically speaking, however, she's had to come to grips with having an STD for the rest of her life, deal with the guilt of not informing her boyfriends prior to you, and now she has to live with a boyfriend who jumps out of bed and boils his dick immediately after sex. Her psychological suffering is greater than the physical suffering, dontcha think? While I'm not recommending you or anyone else intentionally contract herpes--and you should continue to take reasonable precautions--I don't know what you're so afraid of. ----------

@Ivoryrain Yeah, the porn industry is really chill about herpes - because it's not life threatening, and happens to be a "risk" (hate that term) any sexually active adult takes every time they engage in intercourse, whether they acknowledge it or not. I just want to be clear that the "don't have to" disclose in contracts doesn't mean that they avoid doing so. Most performers I dealt with are *very* aware of their sexual health and safeguard it like a m*thertrucka. They don't perform when experiencing an episode and even move shoot dates if they feel prodrome symptoms coming on. Lots of big names "have it", and that tends to be common knowledge within the industry. It's a pretty big faux pas to avoid mentioning it. I will say most of the performers I've known are very sex-positive and 100% not freaked out by herpes. Years ago I had a really interesting discussion with several male stars, all of whom confirmed the following: "It's a normal thing that happens to normal people when they have normal sex, even with the best precautions in place. And really, WHO CARES?" Not that I'm trying to make the case for sleeping with porn stars or whatever... just that they, as a whole, seem to take a much more level-headed view of STI's and their prevalence in modern sex.

@WCSDancer2010 I was a bit too glib -- I mean, 80+% of the population is carrying some version of the virus. If mom never exposed him, it's likely a school chum, dad, or Great Aunt Mildred's smooches exposed him anyway. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Question for @domesticatrix: at what point in initiating these casual encounters do you bring it up? Looking to compare field notes.. ;)

Before you do anything else, get a HUG from someone you care about. Then spend some time reading up on herpes (there's a ton of resources linked in these forums) and shifting your perspective a bit -- this is a skin condition, not a death sentence. You use the word "risk" a lot in your post. Here's a good read from the blog about the power of the words you use when you think/talk about having herpes: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-wordplay-the-power-of-words/ And here's a great piece from The Atlantic talking about the stigma of herpes: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/07/the-overblown-stigma-of-genital-herpes/374757/ Things get better, not to mention easier, the longer you have herpes and the more in tune you become with your body's response. <3

Can I ask what ratio of tea tree to coconut oil ratio you used, Jessika?

^^^ What she said! I think it took a year before I was able to fully recognize my prodrome symptoms (seems to vary between people, especially over time). Odds are your next episode will give you at least a few clues to run with... cold/flu feeling in your head, swollen glands under your arms/in your groin, tingle/prickle feelings where you had your previous episode (you mentioned pain), etc.

@Plymouth - Did your son come into contact with open sores? Are you seeing open sores on your son that you believe need to be addressed? Why are you freaked out at year 22 instead of, say, 16? @Geminij - ... if you kissed them with an open cold sore, probably. Or, you know, they're 22 & have sex...

@Seeker - Yes, yes it does. Need to do some fact-checking but was amused when I read this: http://projectaccept.org/herpes-stigma-the-origin/ Here's another good read for anyone so inclined... good to keep on deck for sharing at a later date, maybe? http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/07/the-overblown-stigma-of-genital-herpes/374757/

I feel you, Stephner. I've had herpes for 6 years and still find myself emotionally pinballed by rejections... but not every time, and for increasingly less amount of time. I'd say it gets easier, but that's not quite it. You become more informed, less frightened/embarrassed/ashamed (a crucial future step for you to work toward with those baby steps!), and more comfortable with your approach to disclosing. Repeatedly reading this advice column from Dan Savage might help you not beat yourself up so much, too: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=260 Your taste in partners will probably become more discerning -- you never realize how often people use herpes as a punchline until you have it, and hearing that can really change the way you think of someone. I know you feel like crap right now, and that's okay. Get mad, cry about it, lick your wounds, etc. Maybe you need a few months to wrap your head around this and practice a little self-love/care before venturing out into the dating pool again. <3

@lovelucky I've considered wallpapering the world with his response once or twice. ;)

I think I'm gonna side with Dan Savage on this: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=260

I've found shaving can make me have unexpected flare-up's... I generally stick to a trimmer. That and as I get older the hairless genital look has started to freak me out.

I realize you are pretty young, so I want to impart some knowledge shared with me by multiple gay male friends & family members -- regardless of how you feel right now, the gay community at large is much more accepting of people with an STD, especially as you get older & the potential number of partners/encounters increases. I'm not sure what part of the country you're in now, but I am willing to bet that if you have an active gay community you will receive far more support than you anticipate. Don't lose hope - there are so many people out there that will not see this as anything more than a pesky skin condition. <3

How long have you had herpes? My lymph glands were swollen (to some degree) and reacted very strongly pre&post-OB for the first year I had herpes - it drove me crazy and definitely bummed me out. Now I'm on year 7 and even with my [usually annual] OB I don't have nearly the same symptoms as I did initially.