OneDayAtATime

Hi all, I'm wondering if any of you might have input on the very interesting situation I've found myself in. When I first received my diagnosis of genital herpes, my doctor did a swab test with the caveat that false negatives were common and based on her examination she was confident that this was what I had. I did indeed receive a negative result, and so I haven't known whether I had HSV 1 or 2. Having recently met a new partner, I felt that I wanted to at least know this information for his sake as well as mine, so I got a blood test. I have just heard from my doctor that this, too, has come back negative. As my initial outbreak was more than 6 months ago, antibodies should have developed by now. My doctor suggests that it's probable that I had a "different infection that almost identically mimicked herpes." I'm seeing her tomorrow for something unrelated and will ask her about this further, but in the meantime, I'm flabbergasted. Have any of you ever heard of this? I have been googling the search terms "conditions confused with herpes" and the only frequent result that seems to match my symptoms is something called impetigo, which seems to be a type of staph infection - however, it's most common in young kids. I was tested for the gamut of other STI's at the time of my diagnosis and all were negative. I'd come to terms with having herpes, and my current partner was amazing about it when I told him, but it seems too good to be true that I might be off the hook. It's true that I haven't had any symptoms since my initial outbreak, but from everything I'd read this isn't unusual. It almost seems likelier to me that the blood test also returned a false negative. Do any of you have any experience with this? I've also realized, on reading this result, that even if the initial diagnosis was incorrect I'm not sorry to have gotten it. Having to tell my then-partner was a blessing in disguise, as his negative reaction told me a lot of things that I needed to know about him, and telling my current partner also told me lots of things about him, but of the good variety - his reaction told me that he was mature, rational, and cared about me enough to shoulder the risk of herpes without freaking out. It also led me to this community, where I've been so touched and inspired by reading your stories and seeing your compassion toward each other and me. So either way, I'm content with the result. I more want to know for my current partner's sake - it would be wonderful if we didn't have to worry about him getting it at all!

Hi Brenda, Thank you so much for your insightful words. I think you're right about Mr. Wonderful; in fact, he pretty much said as much to me in the one phone conversation we had after the breakup. I know that our split had very little to do with me and a lot to do with him, but it was still hard to reconcile all of his wonderful actions with the way things ended. I have to admit that I have written him not one, but dozens of letters like the one you suggested, so many pages it would be embarrassing if anyone saw them. :) The thing that I haven't done is get rid of them - they're all still sitting as email drafts in my outbox. I know you're right and that the thing to do is delete them all. I'm not sure why I'm keeping them - maybe I feel like they're a link to him, even though I've never sent them and he'll never see them. It certainly doesn't make me feel any better to see them there. I think the time is coming when I'm ready to let go, and then I'll finally get rid of them. There's a bit of an update on my situation: All of this happened long enough ago (it's been more than six months) that I've been attempting to date again, in spite of my unresolved feelings for this man, because I haven't known what to do to get over him and I want to feel like I'm getting on with my life instead of stuck in my grief. I haven't been sure whether it's a good idea or not, but starting to look for someone else helped me to feel like I was taking action to move forward, which seemed like a good thing. Anyway, I've been out four times now with someone I met online (and am seeing him again tonight) and although we don't yet seem to have the kind of incredibly intense, mind-blowing connection that I felt almost right away with my previous partner, he seems to me like a really decent, kind, honest man with a lot of integrity and depth. I think he's like me in that he might take a while to really get to know people, so we're taking things really slowly, which given my current situation suits me fine. It's too soon to know whether this will be a long-term thing, but already one really positive thing has come out of dating him: on our third date, we were having a really great time (awesome conversation, a bit of making out in the park ;) ) and I felt that we had enough of a connection (i.e. I think we'll be having sex eventually) that I told him about having herpes. His reaction was totally awesome. He said he'd done some research on it in the past, that it wasn't a big deal to him and that it seemed like it was more of an inconvenience than anything, and understood that he could get it from me but felt that the risk was worth it. Basically, he reacted really calmly and with a lot of maturity - the complete opposite of my previous partner. It really helped me see how not-ready my previous partner was for the kind of emotional maturity and honesty I want in a relationship, and showed me that not everyone is going to leave me over this virus. Whether or not the guy I'm dating now turns out to be a serious partner, I now know what kind of reaction I want to get from a partner when I disclose, and I know that there are men out there for whom herpes isn't a dealbreaker. It was a big step and I feel like it's helped me heal from that past rejection in some way. Also - not to be petty, but his awesome reaction made my previous partner look really bad in comparison, and that's helping me see the ways in which Mr. Wonderful was actually not quite as wonderful as I had thought. :) You guys have been so supportive, so willing to share your own stories, and so inspiring - thanks for welcoming me into this community. It's helped me so much to post here and read everyone's supportive responses. You're all amazing people. :)

When I was first diagnosed my doctor believed it was a first outbreak because my lymph nodes were swollen, so apparently this is common. I've been lucky enough to only have the one outbreak so far, though, so I have no idea if this will happen every time.

Thank you both for your support - it really helped me to write out all of that and it helped even more to hear from both of you. :) MoveOn, I think you were right that I was grieving for the idea of what the relationship could have been rather than what it actually was... It's been hard to let go of that idea but I think I'm finally starting to be able to remember the ways that we weren't compatible as well as the ways we were! I really liked what you said about learning how capable you are of giving and loving - it sounds like you've done this and I would really like come out of this experience a stronger, more generous person, so I'll be keeping that thought in mind. SunnyDays, that is eerily similar, and I'm so sorry you had to go through that as well. You're obviously an incredibly strong person, though - I'm embarrassed to admit how long ago my breakup happened but it was longer than 3 months and still driving me crazy, so I'm really admiring your great perspective on things. :) It's so awful to be abandoned like that by someone you thought cared, right at the time when you most need that person. On the other hand, it's a great opportunity to learn that you have the strength to rely on yourself...

Hi all, I'm new here and have been so impressed with the compassion I'm seeing from everyone who posts on this site. I think it would help me to write out the story of how I got herpes, just to get it out of myself so (hopefully) I can stop dwelling on it so much. Any feedback on how to live with this situation would be appreciated - you all seem like wise, kind people and I'd love to hear your thoughts! (Be warned, it might get long - feel free to skim. Key points if you're skimming: I met a really great person. I fell in love. I got herpes. We broke up. I'm sad and confused.) So: this past September, I met a man via online dating and we clicked in a way I've never experienced before. Our emotional and physical chemistry was dazzling. I felt that I could truly be my whole self with him; he seemed to recognize and value facets of me (loyalty, passion, a sense of adventure) that other men had overlooked because I wasn't a life-of-the-party, center-of-attention type. When I was with him, it was easy to be a version of myself that I admired and loved. He was compassionate, he treated me with more thoughtfulness and respect than I'd ever experienced from a man, he saw the beauty in life and tried to experience it fully, he was artistically inclined and had tremendous respect for my own artistic pursuits. I was profoundly happy. The only flaw in the foundation was that he said he wasn't ready for a serious partner; he'd spent the last four years in med school which had not allowed him any time for dating, and he didn't feel ready to make a serious commitment. I understood and could live with this; we agreed to keep it casual and I never pressured him to "take it to the next level" or call me his girlfriend. My strong sense was that we were so compatible that he would come to want this on his own eventually, and all of his actions indicated that he was very emotionally invested. All the same, I tried not to invest too much. It was a losing battle though - I'm pretty sure I was in love with him after about a month (as much as one can be after a short time, anyway). I had a genital herpes outbreak two months after we started dating. My doctor judged by my symptoms (swollen lymph nodes?) that it was a first outbreak. I asked if I should contact previous partners to let them know that they should be tested. She felt, however, that the likeliest scenario was that I'd gotten it recently and that there was no need. My partner didn't have any symptoms of herpes, but had been through med school and worked in a hospital environment, and I thought he could have contracted the virus there. I immediately emailed my partner, letting him know about my diagnosis and also telling him what I knew about herpes - not really a big deal, really no serious health consequences, didn't need to have a big effect on our sex life as long as we took reasonable precautions. We talked on the phone that night and again in person the next day, and although at first it didn't occur to him that he could have given it to me (I think he initially thought I'd been sleeping with somebody else) I explained how the virus can be dormant and that if, for instance, he'd ever had a cold sore, he could have transmitted the virus to me that way. He said then that he'd had cold sores in the past and seemed truly sorry that he had most likely passed herpes to me. I wasn't angry; I had always known that a common STI was a likely outcome of having sex, and to me sex was worth it. However, the conversation about herpes led to one about how we were each feeling about the relationship. He reiterated that he still wasn't looking for anything serious and wanted to make sure that we were still ok with casual. I came clean and told him that the longer I knew him, the more I cared for him and didn't see that pattern changing. What followed was a heartwrenching conversation with lots of tears on both sides about how we could both get what we wanted out of the relationship (him, to date some other people casually; me, to keep him in my life). In the end, we decided mutually that the thing to do was separate for a while so that he could see other people. We agreed that we seemed to be really good together and there was a strong likelihood that we would get back together; we both seemed agonized at the thought of parting but didn't really see a way around it. We agreed that we could stay in touch via email (he asked if we could still hang out but I didn't think I could handle that). I felt horrible as I walked away from him, but firmly believed that I would see him again, even if we ultimately decided to stay split up. The strength of our connection, I thought, was such that we would be in each other's lives in some way even if it wasn't as partners. I never saw him again. Two months after that I wrote him a message saying that I missed him and that if he was open to the idea, I'd like to meet and see how it felt. But he wrote back that having had time apart, he felt that separating was the right thing to do. I was devastated and in disbelief that I wouldn't even have the chance to say goodbye to him in person. I tried to get on with my life; I did everything I could think of to move on (started new activities, eventually tried dating again, went to counseling, kept a journal, asked for support from friends and family) but felt and continue to feel crippling grief over the abrupt disappearance of this man who had seemed to care for me so very much before herpes. A month or so after his last email I asked to speak to him on the phone, hoping it would give me some closure; he seemed very cold and distant, not at all like the man I had spent so much time with. He also informed me that "what he had thought were cold sores were actually canker sores" (this is someone who has been through med school!) and that his doctor had told him that since he had no symptoms of herpes, he should "behave as though he doesn't have it." Although I don't want to wish him ill, I was and am furious that while I have to now disclose to every future potential partner as well as try to get through a broken heart, he has absolutely no consequences. I'm surprised at his immaturity and inability to deal with the fact that he might have herpes (at the very least, he knows he's been exposed). Underneath all of that, though, I just terribly miss the kind, beautiful man I spent those two gorgeous months with. I can't reconcile that man with the one who isn't even willing to see my face one more time. I miss him every single day, all of these long days, and I can't seem to make myself hurt any less. It has been long enough that I feel I should be over it, but I can't seem to find any closure. I want to see him, so that I can say what I need to say to him in person and then walk away, but there's no way to do that without asking him to meet. I know that he wasn't ready and I know that I deserve someone who can act with a lot more maturity and understanding in this situation. But I still love the man he seemed to be while we were dating, and I don't know how to move on. Add to that my confusion over what actually happened, health-wise (could I have gotten it from a previous partner, and should I contact them? How dare his doctor give him a get-out-of-jail-free card in the form of "behave as though you don't have it"?? How can I reconcile his doctor's "you don't have it" with my doctor's "he gave it to you"? Also, my doctor took a swab test but I never got any results back - why not, and how can I find out what form of herpes I have?) and it's just a soup of unresolved feelings and grief. How do I move on? How do I live with the fact that I still love him, or at least the version of himself that he presented to me? How do I hold that love in a way that makes room for somebody else? How do I find the courage to ever, ever do this again? Thank you for reading the long rant, guys - it's been helpful to write all of this.