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alittleshy2009

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Everything posted by alittleshy2009

  1. @witchofportobello Hello there! Sounds like you're having some anxiety about your recent diagnosis. Which is alright and is perfectly normal. The best thing to realize when you are having the racing, negative thoughts is to realize that you're just experiencing anxiety. Take a deep breath, and try to let the thoughts pass. Negative thoughts do not serve you or do you any good! Be gentle with and to yourself right now. Your anxiety is a sign that you have compassion for yourself (which is a good thing, some don't!) and are just simply worried about your future. But listen, with or without H... You still don't have control of your future. So let it go, and breath though it. I can relate to your situation so I hope that I can be of some help! I was formally diagnosed with HSV2 in November of last year with a blood and culture test. Although, apparently I had it for YEARS! I went in often to my gyno for them to take a look at my outbreak and say 'oh that's just razor burn NBD' or 'yeast infection' and even 'bacterial vag'. Then, I finally saw another doctor who took and look and said 'oh sweetie, you have herpes!' I was like NO WAY! When I looked back, I remember my first outbreak. Got it from a cheating boyfriend - thanks a**hole! ;) I really like how you said you felt empowered after your diagnosis and glad that you knew rather than denying it. I felt the exact same way!!! At first I was distraught, I was even crying at work it was a terrible feeling.. I thought my life was over. And then, one day I looked at myself in the mirror and popped that big blue pill in my mouth and said 'I have herpes.' And I had this feeling like I was stronger because of it. Don't worry about finding love. You don't need to look for it anyway, with or without H. And you're totally not a horrible person, trust me! You obviously care about yourself or you wouldn't be here seeking help and support! There are so many people out there living with H 1&2 and they ignore the signs. They live everyday knowing something is wrong but don't have the courage to go get tested and confront the truth. You're an individual who knows their status, so own it! I mean, you don't have to flaunt it and I wouldn't recommend that. But this gives you an opportunity to make H your wingman and filter out all the BS relationships. It's hard to think of it now, but it's so true! I had my first disclosure just a few weeks back (scary, nerve wrecking experience) but SO worth it in the end.. Hey I never heard back from him. But that just shows HIS character not mine! And same goes for you! Be yourself, love yourself, and take care of yourself. That's all you can do in life - with or without H.. Forget the other BS and Live your life!!!!!!! Love and light to you!!!
  2. Sorry, I am chiming I a bit late here. I appreciate all the input, especially the different point of views. This has been a big learning expirrence for me, and even more after reading the comments above. So I do appreciate even some *harsh* comments because it is true. I take 100% responsibility for my actions, which of that I could control. Like, why did I not just meet him out rather than have him pick me up for a date? Also, I should have said after dinner that j wanted to go home, rather than go hangout with his friends. I mean, what kind of guy takes a girl on a first date to meet his guy friends at a bar?? That was a red flag right there. Now, it's not in my character to make decisions that lead me to the point of going home with a stranger. Although, I am aware NOW that drinking leads me to make really poor decisions and not having a guy call me a cab or an uber to take my drunk ass home - was a bad idea. I should have known better than to think I would be 'safe' going home with a drunk, horny guy!! On another note, im not trying to point the finger at some guy to take the heat off myself. I was there, I rememeber barley anything.. But I remember him and his demeanor even the next morning. He was perfectly happy about the situation, even calling me later that night after the bar to hangout (before I disosed). He knew perfectly well what happened. So while it's not right for me to point the finger and yell RAPE... He clearly took advantage of the 'situation' that night. Hey, it happens. Some guys are just jerks who want to add a knotch to the belt, not all of them.. But this one was. After the disclosure phone call, he thanked me. And even told me 'wow good job, I'm proud of you', saying that he doesn't know if he would ever be able to do what I did. He knew we were both at fault and apologized for taking advantage of the situation. Since then, I haven't heard a word from him. No worries, it's for the best. Moral of my story is.. And maybe someone can learn from me too.. 1 - My 'easy going', spontaneous demeanor doesnt benefit me in a dating situation. Sure, every one wants to go out and go with the moments to have fun... But I wasn't aware that that attitude probably gave him the wrong idea of me. Although, I'm not EASY at all.. all he saw was an opportunity. And when it boiled down to it, he took advantage of me. I trust people too easy, as most women do. We want to think every man is our prince charming. And for me to TRUST that he was either going to get me home safe or keep his hands to himself was a poor judgment call on my part!!! 2 - If I'm going on a date, I need to be more clear about why I'm going on it and what the plan is. And that I intend on going home alone. I mean, I think back like.. Why did I go out with him anyway? Was I doing my friend a favor (the one who hooked is up?) Was I expecting him to be something that he wasn't? I don't know but it was an awakening that I need to be more clear about why I want to go out with someone, why they want to go out with me, and what eachother is expecting from the date. Maybe it's overly protective of myself but if I'm not strong for myself and make the decisions.. Then someone is going to take advantage of my outgoing, bubbly, loving demeanor!! 3 - own up to my mistakes was a big lesson here! Even in my day to day life, I run away from a lot of my issues (not relating to sexual health). I hate confrontation and frankly hate to hurt people's felings!! But, I knew in my heart that I had to own up no matter how much it hurt or embarrassed me! I feel confident for making the call because at the end of the day... I am not that person to sleep around and keep my H a secret.. Because we know those people are out there! There's something to learn from all of this and even though I'd give the world to go back in time to say no to the date, I have to be grateful for the hard lesson and also thankful for each and every one of your comments! They are all valid and I thank everyone for their perspective.
  3. @WCSdancer2010 Thank you!! You are very right, I know I will find someone. It's all about timing! I've learned a lot from this experience. It's definitley put into perspective the type of men that I want in my life. Frankly, someone who is interested in sex on the first date isn't someone worth investing in for the long run!! Not only have I not heard back from him after my dissolute phone call to talk, he hasn't updated me if he's gotten a STD test .. Or if he is even making it a priority. It seems like he may be one of those people who think they are unable to get an STD.. HA, if there was only a way. I find myself getting quite upset at times, feeling so used and like garbage how someone could treat me like this!! It really makes me feel awful!! Now I am mostly concerned about contracting something more serious, like HIV or even HPV. Do you have any knowedle or resources that I can learn about the risk for this? I doubt that I am at high risk for HIV... But you never know these things!! Call me overly paranoid :) Thanks so much again!!!
  4. @WCSdancer2010 I've got to say, you were so right! I was back and fourth with myself on the situation. This was a first time for me, so it was a big leap. Not because what I have is awful, but I do fear rejection just like anyone, H positive or not! I did make the phone call, although I would have preferred in person! I was nervous, but he seemed to take it okay. We know we both are guilty of this and know it wasn't a smart choice. We both took equal risk! I'm not sure if he will want to see me again, and I wouldn't blame him. I know it will be difficult for me to find true love with my condition. But more importantly, I did the right thing. And hopefully, that will send some good karma my way! Thanks again and I look forward to learning more from this community!
  5. Hello everyone. I am finally joining after referencing this forum for personal help and knowledge since my diagnosis 4 months ago. As a short back story, I was dating a man and after 2 weeks we had sex. He used a condom, but I contracted HSV2 from him. He did not tell me, but we had a fall out and went out separate ways. Wasn't meant to be.. Since then, I haven't been with anyone sexually. And have kind of called off dating all together! This was huge to me and I took it as a sign from God that I should be focusing on loving myself. Before I go into details, please do not curse me or give me a hard time. Trust me, I have been crying for the past 2 days because I realize what a huge mistake I made! I haven't even been able to eat. I'm really beating myself up enough, so please only positive and educating comments! This is a first for me!! My current situation is that I went on a date this past weekend. One thing led to another and while I had every intention of heading home after we had a few drinks.. His friends and their dates met up with us.. We all were drinking and having a good time. Suddenly, I got kind of black out drunk.. Nothing terrible.. But I don't remember anything. Waking up in his bed in the morning and I knew immediately that we had sex the night before. As I woke up, I was in a sort of trance or just still drunk.. We ended up having sex 2 more times! There were no condoms, although I am on daily suppressive therapy. This was a person decision, not because I am sexually active.. It's more peace of mind for me. I know that the right thing to do would be to call and tell him. I just am a very honest person and it feels right - why would I ever put someone at risk like my ex did?! But there's the other side of the story, how do I know he doesn't have it?! How do I know if we will ever see each other again?! And how do I know this man cares the least about me to even know something so intimate and personal about myself?! Im so back and forth with the subject. I'm aware that because I was not having an outbreak and am on Valtrex that the risk is about 2% for him to contract it.. Right?! But since we did hit it off, and he has texted me last night just to chat, he may want to see me again. The longer I wait and if we do become something.. I refuse to build a relationship on lies!! I feel like the longer I wait the more betrayed he will feel. So, should I call him today to tell him, or should I wait until we see each other a few more times but with NO SEX THATS FOR SURE!? This would be the first time I've been on a date since diagnosis and the first time I've slept with someone, so needless to say I'm a nervous wreck and just about crying every time I think of what I did! So anyone, please help.. Suggest... Educate me.. Opinions? They are all welcome, just don't rub it in anymore please! I might have a breakdown!! Thanks and love & light to you all.
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